Ex-Sex, yay or nay

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I know I know I know we have discussed this before.

However a search yielded nothing and I couldn't find anything by looking in the appropriate categories either.

An ex has proposed an-on-the-sly sex-only arrangement to me.

Tell me of your own experiences in this arena.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:28 (twenty-one years ago)

if you're not in a relationship, is it still on-the-sly?

― hstencil, Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:32 (twenty-one years ago)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Be careful.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Generally, nay, but if enough time has passed and you're both sure there aren't any hidden emotions involved, why not? I've been having regular ex-sex lately and it's been very nice, but I suspect this isn't usually the case.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:36 (twenty-one years ago)

He is in a long-distance one and says they have both agreed that they will keep the possiblity of seeing others open (for practical reasons). I don't know whether he's telling the truth or not but don't really care. I've proven to myself that being the "other woman" doesn't bother me in the least.

I think it's more keeping it on the sly to keep it from our large circle of friends. He's not proposing any sort of reunion (nor would I want that) and I suppose wouldn't others to perceive that.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:37 (twenty-one years ago)

dud for the love of sweet crumbcake dud dud dud

― the surface noise (electricsound), Saturday, 29 November 2003 09:43 (twenty-one years ago)

not good for you.

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 29 November 2003 10:06 (twenty-one years ago)

the last few times I've re-hooked up with exes I haven't had a need to keep it on the sly, so that's why I asked. Keeping with my experiences, though, it's generally (but not exclusively) been a dud.

― hstencil, Saturday, 29 November 2003 10:11 (twenty-one years ago)

oh and to clarify it hasn't really been the sex that was a dud, more the feelings of loathing and self-hatred afterwards.

― hstencil, Saturday, 29 November 2003 10:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Briefly managed it (with a co-worker....never a smart thing). Trouble is, we'd have to "break up" again every time. It was impossible to divorce emotion from it.

It was never worth it, either. The "sex-only arrangement" is a Utopian ideal.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 29 November 2003 10:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Also it must be noted that he's asked you to keep it secret, which is a really unfair way of becoming the one with all the power in this situation. I don't know if I can think of a situation willingly entered into that is as misguided as this one, and believe me between jabbing hangover pains I am trying.

― suzy (suzy), Saturday, 29 November 2003 11:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Sam, you don't seem to have much trouble getting sex when you want it, so I'd be really careful about something which isn't just sex but has a whole load of potential baggage which could explode at any time. It sounds like more trouble than it's worth, and to be honest, a bit sordid.

― Markelby (Mark C), Saturday, 29 November 2003 11:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I read this as "Essex: yay or nay"

― Matt (Matt), Saturday, 29 November 2003 12:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Did this a few times, by way of getting "closure" or something. (i.e. it was specifically proposed as a "one last time" sort of thing, not as an ongoing arrangement). One time it was fine, because the ex was literally leaving town for good the next day. The other time, not so fine, because the other party saw the "one last time" clause as a flexible thing and used the leverage created by it (I was with someone else by this point, which gave the ex blackmail material -- dumb dumb dumb) to try to rekindle some kind of relationship. She never actually made good on the blackmail potential, but one of her friends hinted around at it enough to my current girlfriend that I eventually just confessed the whole thing and apologized profusely (it helped, though, that the confession came nearly a year after the fact and I was able to say honestly that it had only happened once).

But whatever the specific circumstances are, it's always risky bidness.

― spittle (spittle), Saturday, 29 November 2003 17:51 (twenty-one years ago)

in my experience this kind of arrangement works out about as often as being struck by lightning. that said, it seems like you have a pretty clear head about the situation which would probably make a big difference. still, you never know what kind of hell is going to break loose once you get started and when you toss in a large circle of mutual friends it sounds like an accident waiting to happen. as mark points out, it doesn't seem like you have any trouble finding unattached partners so why go down this road?

― lauren (laurenp), Saturday, 29 November 2003 18:01 (twenty-one years ago)

As others earlier said Sammy, CAREFULLY walk this line, if at all. As women, the hardest thing is to divorce sex and emotion (though we do try); even more difficult if tis with an ex. It sounds like he wants to keep all the control, by defining all the rules. If you are cool with the idea, why not have some rules of your own?

You're worth more than a few quick fumbles with your ex, IMHO.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Saturday, 29 November 2003 18:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I presume there's a *reason* this guy is an ex, right? If he were worth sleeping with, and you had total respect for each other, etc, you'd *still be together*. I wouldn't do it.

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Saturday, 29 November 2003 20:03 (twenty-one years ago)

dont do it you will end up hating each other.

― hellbaby (hellbaby), Saturday, 29 November 2003 21:02 (twenty-one years ago)

oo..i LOVE this arrangement. Sex with the ex has never let me down. I think you'll find the sex is way better than before because you dont have all that relationship messiness behind it. Its also a fantastic way to get over someone.
I guess the real question is, are you the type of person that forms an emotional attachment to everyone you sleep with? If yes, dont do it. If no, what the hell are you waiting for????

― katharine (katharine), Saturday, 29 November 2003 22:14 (twenty-one years ago)

It works if you say, 'I'm coming, you selfish bastard, I'm coming!!!' when you, er, come.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Saturday, 29 November 2003 22:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd vote no on this too (all relationships should be democratically decided by ILX!) for the many good reasons cited. Sam, you are hot and fun and work in a bar: you want no-strings sex, you can have it any damn night you want, with someone without any emotional baggage, without being asked to lie to people, without the risks. Unless he is the most extraordinary lover ever, I can't see much on the other side of the scales here.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 29 November 2003 23:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Martin's conception of "the most extraordinary lover" is, frankly, terrifying.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Sunday, 30 November 2003 00:04 (twenty-one years ago)

"I've not come in 14 years."
"How many times have you had sex in that 14 years?"
"Just the once."
"How long did it last?"
"Not sure yet."
"Oh fuck!"

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Sunday, 30 November 2003 00:05 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.catmoran.com/spud/jack.jpg

― Dada, Sunday, 30 November 2003 01:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Ehh... jury's out on this one, personally speaking. It depends on the relationship you had in the past and what the status is between the two of you now. I tend to think that it will work out better if you were good friends before the relationship and continue to be so after the break-up; even better if the break-up didn't rule out the possibility of, at some undefined point, getting back together. That's the situation I'm in with my ex-g/f; the emotional attachment between us is such that I feel inaccurate calling us exes, though for very practical reasons (her plans to spend a semester in London) we're not getting back together just yet. And yet, we're careful not to sleep with one another. Long beautiful make-out sessions, yes, sex, no... there's just too much emotion behind that act, and God forbid something should go wrong, say along the lines of a broken condom or even something as little as a disappointing finish. It could fuck up everything. So I conclude, if you harbor any realistic expectations of getting back together with them, don't succumb to the sheets; wait until you've both gotten through all those pesky grey areas. If you don't expect to get back together, and you're both cool with that-- for certain! -- by all means fuck like bunnies. Avoid ex-sex like the plague if one or both of you is "getting over it" and don't foresee getting back together. And for the love of every god in every pantheon, don't consent to sleep with an ex just because neither of you are getting any. In that case retreat to masturbation. At least it's sex with someone you know you love.

― justin s., Sunday, 30 November 2003 09:07 (twenty-one years ago)

I pretty much knew what the verdict would be on this one before I posted. ;)

Well it was really hot. . .hmm.

We've been broken up about 18 mths. It wasn't pretty then and it took me awhile to get over him. But I am and have been for quite awhile (I'm very serious here, no bullshit.) I was surprised and flattered when he told how much he still thinks about me etc. etc.

Bottom line is I do *not* want a realtionship with this person. We were not good as a couple. I really can't think of anything that would make me want to get back with him. However in the past few months we've become friends again and I enjoy his company on that level.

As far as no-strings sex. . .I'm done with one-night stands and casual sex. I don't have time for a relationship right now. I figure it might be better to revisit old territory than to blaze new ones.

So anyway, it was pretty good. There was almost no kissing. When I was finished, I dressed and left. That's it. If we hook up again, cool. But I really don't expect to be thinking of him beyond that.

If I even start to feel inklings of that. . .well I'll shoot myself in the foot to keep me restrained to the house and then beat myself daily. I don't think even *I'm* that stupid.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Sunday, 30 November 2003 10:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Sam, I love you but "almost no kissing" just SCREAMS dudness to me. I'm glad it worked for you though.

― Markelby (Mark C), Sunday, 30 November 2003 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

why mark? I avoided that b/c I want to keep this non-emotional. I had fun. I went home.

― A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Sunday, 30 November 2003 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm logging out to say this (who knows if word of this would get back around to her and I don't like to kiss and tell) but I had a few nice bouts of this and neither of us hate each other and things weren't anymore messed up then they would have been otherwise. Might as well have a bit of fun to break up the monotony of frustration. So I say, depending on the circumstances, "yay."

― somebody, Sunday, 30 November 2003 20:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Sam, entirely a personal reaction. Emotionless sex just doesn't do it for me, I guess. In my mind at least, it's so intrinsically linked with affection that sex without kissing simply wouldn't do it for me at all. I'd rather stick my cocker in a rolled up bit of newspaper (he says, exaggerating for comic effect).

I suppose I understand that no-strings sex is a potentially fun thing to do, but taking it to such a level of matter-of-factness would turn me off completely.

― Markelby (Mark C), Sunday, 30 November 2003 21:46 (twenty-one years ago)

ah, my question the while reading everyone else's posts was: how good was the sex the first time around?

probably pretty good, if it was hot again.

i'd have said go for it, but you already did, so i'll say "woo! sounds like fun!"

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 1 December 2003 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

also, cultural differences spotted:

most of the english guys i've talked about this with have been unenthusiastic about it.

the subject came up when i broke up with a guy and made plans for 'break up sex' and he STOOD ME UP.

american guy friends thought this guy was an idiot and couldn't understand it. english guy friends thought this made sense.

i don't understand this. where i come from, if a girl's offering, a guy is accepting...

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 1 December 2003 15:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe the guy thought it would just increase the pain of the situation. Especially after he had time to think about the reality.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 1 December 2003 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, us British guys are so hott that we can get sex with chix0rs any time we want it. We don't need to take whatever we can get ;)

(nb this is entirely untrue)

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 1 December 2003 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

no it isn't, i mean look at me

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 1 December 2003 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

I say nay. Sha nay-nah nah nah...nay.

― Spinktor the Unmerciful (mawill5), Monday, 1 December 2003 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

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