i need control

I know this isn't really a question but I feel the need not to lurk. I was leaning on Rainy's shoulder and she said 'lurking like this is so relaxing.' Once I was in a car, on the motorway, and I closed my eyes and felt ... like a lurker? if there's anything i want to know, it's what are you most embarressed about, but don't dare to admit? i don't mean something about sex ... i mean something like not liking sex

when i was about seven, i was groped by a man i couldn't see in the Haunted House at the local fair. i am embarrassed to admit i enjoyed it. the fact that i am writing this down is dodgy, what if a paedophile reads this and thinks its justification for his behaviour?

I havent really read the question properly, because I'm just too darn relaxed. Being with Maryann is like resting. When I am with her, I just float around. It feels like the one time of day that people aren't asking me to tapdance, or chewing my sleeves off or pouring boiling hot soup on me.

I get delighted by people's shiny fingernails. I get comforted by people, but only when they're not looking. I want to be invisible, or visible. Or something.

Now I shall be the big stinky boy infesting this thread. *infests* Daring -- not me, not really. But I think I quietly surprise myself from time to time. Part of me is perhaps too well wrapped up in comforts that I know (or hope) will always be there, so perhaps I'm not as bold as I should be.

there is an odd, slightly beautiful poetry to this whole thread which i cant really place. i'd add something of interest, but i are drunk and tired and afraid of saying too much, so i'm clamming up. jess = not daring, obviously. but i am oddly at ease right now. so yeah.

I kind of wish I was drunk too. Maybe I'll go back to my office and drink the yucky wine I left there.

eh. yer not missin much. sittin home alone drunk on rum from the bottle = well, not dud, exactly. but surely not classix either. if it wasnt so late, i'd put on juvenile records really loud and dance around until i blacked out. god bless america.

Hey, Maryann, wanna make a control/daringness trade?

Seriously, though, I think I've been way too cautious in my life. I was raised to be that way, so go figure. Anyway, too much control has probably done me a lot good, but at the same time has stifled me from wanting to cut loose more often. That said, alcohol can be a good thing. :)

Your desires for control are futile without a logic behind them, a method.

Mike Hanle y = the original method man. Thanks, I'm here all week...

For "daring" read "stupid" and yes, I qualify. When I was younger, in my college days, I got into all manner of really stupid scrapes in the name of a devil may care attitude.

Is this thread about daring or being embarrassed? I think I'm daring when it counts. That said I have enormous amounts of common sense. Things that I'm embarrassed about? I get great comfort from picking at my split ends. Perhaps that's why I've been slow about getting a trim.

"the one time of day that people aren't asking me to tapdance" resonates like a big, slow, double bass

I'm not at all daring. It's horrible. And I always want to lean on people or hold them or rub their hair, but I don't want it to be flirtatious or threatening or anything so I almost never do.

I could have written that, and yet maybe I/we are daring in other ways.

titties

1. When I look at someones skin, I feel my eyes making marks on it. Words and things. Like, "Your arm is beautiful". Things like that.

2. Last night when I was drunk, I twisted my head around to hear something and I could feel warmth radiating between my neck and my shoulder.

3. I have a friend who has long, pale, straight, clean hair. I always twist it around my fingers when I talk to her. I just cant stop doing it.

an appropriate comeback to my attempt to bring ILE further to hell

i find sometimes the things i find erotic frightening. i am afraid i have a large sadistic streak i do not hide well.

Last night I had a one night stand for the first time ever. I am stricken with a catholic style guilt, but I am not catholic. I felt like I was cheating on my ex boyfriend, even though it was him who dumped me way back yesteryear.

I am scared that everybody knows about it, even the ones who don't.

maybe you are gay?

I'm not gay,and if I was I'd smash my way out of the closet. With a lollipop.

dear Manny, I was thinking last night about when we used to go to the swimming pool and hang out in the water and talk about all the boys we had crushes on. And then I started thinking about this thread (thred).

I always try to control things that are uncontrollable.

In my beautiful blue bedroom last night, I felt very alone and very safe. It was a horrible combination. The phone kept ringing and I kept not answering it, like a in a stupid movie.

There actually was a stupid movie on tv, with Val Kilmer, he was a bridge builder and his voice was so calm, so measured. That was part of his character, he also killed a lion "with one bullet" and I felt like punching him in the face. Not because I care a great deal for lions, sure they're pretty and everything...

I think Val Kilmer was reminding me too much of all the foolish boys I've ever tangled with. They all have those stupid measured out voices, they're so logical and sensible that it's nauseating. And I never even called their bluffs. I should have calmly and pleasantly asked them to shut the hell up.

I am bursting with things to say and do, I don't think I could conceal myself if I tried. How can they stand to be so cold? The fun is in being gloriously warm, and falling over in circles. I think I am going to spend my whole life alone.