Confidence

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

my question is probably often asked and i feel dumb for asking it. I was wondering on how to bring my confidence up because i forgot or maybe even never had it. I cant get the confidence to say things I want to say in front of people, I feel that if I say something stupid I'll be judged and looked at that way always. So the way I handled things was I would always go along with others and I grew to be very quite and not say anything and when I almost said something I would say it and mummble and forget how to say it and ended up just staying quite. When I would be put on spot and people asked me why I was so quite I would feel embarrased and not say anything and mummble to myself. My girlfriend sees it and she haits it and Im thinking she's avoiding me now. But all I want to know is How can I overcome that fear of being judged on what or how I say things, I dont ever think any of my friends ever heared my real voice clearly and completly. It Would be great if you could reply to this and I do thank you for reading this Question

― Kricky Hansen, Wednesday, 31 December 2003 08:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Do what everyone else does. Drink!

― may pang (maypang), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 08:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Really though.. copious amounts of booze can help you realize that, hey, you CAN be a dicksmack all you want, say the DUMBEST shit ever, and people WILL still talk to you the next day. It's incredible, really.

― may pang (maypang), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

don't worry abt other people. they are just as alone and mortal as you.

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 08:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Hold me.

― may pang (maypang), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 08:33 (twenty-one years ago)

You need the grace to hold yourself while those around you fall.

oh god am I quoting elton?

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 10:18 (twenty-one years ago)

do you do work that you like, Kricky?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 10:35 (twenty-one years ago)

cause that wd help, probably, even if it's work you don't get paid for. this is classic Chekhov i.e. what 99% of people in this world need to feel good is "useful work"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 10:57 (twenty-one years ago)

David Brent! "A meaningful relationship, a good job of work, and to feel as if you've made a difference."

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 10:58 (twenty-one years ago)

ah, a difference, that elusive "third thing" -1. love 2. work 3. ??

i hate schematics like this, true as they may be

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 11:22 (twenty-one years ago)

but if 1 and 2 are to your satisfaction then you probably already are making a difference, the third thing is DRUGS

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 11:25 (twenty-one years ago)

The third thing is fwiends.

/twee

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 11:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Have a look at this one Kricky:

http://www.socialphobia.org/

...or do a google search under 'social anxiety'.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 11:41 (twenty-one years ago)

isn't that just another name for "being shy"?

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 12:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

No, not really.

― sgs (sgs), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 12:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I should maybe elaborate. I think shyness and social phobia are related, but different in some fundamental ways. As I understand it, and the website above articulates it, social phobia triggers both physical symptoms and extreme anxiety both prior to, after, and during situations where someone who is just 'shy' will not have the same extensive reaction--like the example of hating to eat in public--examples that go beyond the more usual meeting-new-people-awkwardness that seems to me the prime definition of shyness.

That site's a good recommendation, the music mole, and since I seem to disagree with you, have I missed something somewhere?

― sgs (sgs), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

i have had this problem to a greater or lesser extent throughout my life too - i still get embarressed about silly things i said 5 or 10 years ago. Its a curse and it can ruin your life. I dont have an answer yet but Tracer is right - work and friends are important. You say your friends have never heard you speak loud and clear? well good - you have friends and a girfriend too, it seems. I seriously used to worry if people were faking being friends with me through pity on some level. This is stupid of course, peopel can only fake that stuff for so long so you start to realise that they are friends with you cos they like you, love you even, and that means you have other qualities they like. They believe in you, to some extent, so your friends are important to have around. If they like you they wont Judge you badly - im sure they would love to hear you speak confidently, they wouldnt still be around otherwise.

― jed (jed_e_3), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 13:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Pretend everyone likes you. I've noticed that the most confident people I know tend to just assume that if they talk to someone they've never met, that person will be happy to talk back, and thus they make lots of friends and acquaintances. I never used to act that way because I thought it'd come off as obnoxious, but I realized from watching people that if you're casual about it and not pesky, it doesn't. So if you pretend you're confident, maybe you'll realize that most people actually are willing to be quite friendly, and it'll make you less fearful of talking to them. Also, if you act that way actually attracts less attention than if you mumble and try not to say anything.

― Maria (Maria), Wednesday, 31 December 2003 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know sgs, I thought ken c's point was simply that what used to be called shyness is now 'psychologised' as social anxiety. I think we used to say that people who were socially anxious were just 'extremely shy'. My impression is that it's a case of a new phrase to describe an old problem - like what was once called melancholy now being called depression.

I think that was ken's point, and if it was, I agree with it; though I think you're right, sgs, when you say that what we call social anxiety is way, way more extreme and debilitating than common-or-garden shyness.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 1 January 2004 03:10 (twenty-one years ago)

be really nice to people you like.
be really mean to people you don't like.

the trick is distinguishing the one from the other. and being a prick is a good way to get 'general' confidence up; you can say whatever the hell you want to people you don't care about. it's good practice.

― Ian Johnson (orion), Thursday, 1 January 2004 06:01 (twenty-one years ago)

my solution is to never say anything, just dance. nobody ever questions how great i am when i dance.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Thursday, 1 January 2004 11:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I used to be cripplingly shy: I'm still pretty quiet in most conversations, I think because I'm used to just thinking rather than speaking, which makes it hard to come up with answers at all quickly. The best way I've found to get around people asking why I'm being so quiet, or drawing attention to it, is just to smile and let people draw their own conclusions. It takes a bit of thick-skinnedness, but if you can get used to letting people read what they like into your silences it's somehow easier to start talking. Because, you know, you can control that.

And if you can find something you're really opinionated on, care a lot about, and get to talking on that, it's good practice at letting your voice be heard and you'll have something you /want/ to get across.

― cis (cis), Thursday, 1 January 2004 12:05 (twenty-one years ago)

If yr quiet and oklooking mostly people'll think yr cool and sexy, also most people are dicks and you really don't want to meet them

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 1 January 2004 12:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Very few people have your smile, cis.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 3 January 2004 23:19 (twenty-one years ago)

awwwwww!

― stevem (blueski), Saturday, 3 January 2004 23:59 (twenty-one years ago)

N noted something called 'ideological arrogance' once, i think this is totally necessary in gaining confidence, be like a halfway point between alain delon and jay-z. but it has its downside, it will get you noticed, it will make people like you, it will make you popular. but it has its downside. what when it has served its purpose? you have become a certain way to become popular, but you might have lost you vulnerability, your quirks, your human-ness in the process

it might be a bit of a trade off you didnt envisage, a paradox you never predicted, you could easily go from a person that was nice, but no one ever noticed that nice-ness, to a person that everyone likes, but that very nice-ness is gone because you had to obliterate it in order to get anyone to notice it

it can be a very strange thing that to get people to notice the things that are good about you, you have to remove them!

― gareth (gareth), Sunday, 4 January 2004 00:02 (twenty-one years ago)

wow, you got home before me you N4 rapscallion (or is it N8?)

― gareth (gareth), Sunday, 4 January 2004 00:02 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.