"commitment-phobia" / "committed relationship"

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I think these are two sides of the same coin, an evil coin minted by this horrible word, "commitment." Other times I'm not so sure. Does anybody get any use out of this word or does it just cause trouble? I think I want to keep this separate from marriage talk, since everyone knows that marriage is until death do you part.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

We're committed to relationships and committed to insane asylums.

I personally have a strong dislike for the "C" word as it applies to relationships due to the implied ownership/obligation aspect.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:07 (twenty-two years ago)

I like "consort."

― Huckleberry Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

bedlock

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Commitment seems to suggest a lack of freedom, while strong non-marriage relationships tend to work out better when the element of choice prevails over the element of responsibility or obligation. I don't like saying I'm in a 'committed' relationship because, in my opinion, that makes it seem less like I'm choosing to place my girlfriend first and more like I do it because I am compelled.

― webcrack (music=crack), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:12 (twenty-two years ago)

"Committment" makes me think of sad, quiet, seething arguments in a dark kitchen, smoking by the stove and hiding it from the kids. I'd rather show up unexpectedly with nice presents, stay for 19 hours, then disappear into the ether and not call for a month.

Girls prefer that, I think.

― andy, Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:13 (twenty-two years ago)

And conversely, where does the phobia come from? If you want out, what's stopping you? There are no rules. You can fall in love with someone else tomorrow.

xpost: haha hm

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

hmm I wonder who is moving in with their gf on monday?

― Ed (dali), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

NZA, the C word only implies ownership, if that is what you are getting out of it. Commitment isn't inherently an evil thing: it's what each person is willing to bring into the relationship. It is poss for 2 independent people to share themselves and their lives. Doesn't mean that one slaps a dog tag on the other.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I think it's only in america that people go on about this Commitment business.

OR IS IT?

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought it was a code word for "we only sleep with each other." Which I would kind of expect without the clarification, frankly.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

commitment is dud if you have to talk about it.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I feel his Revdness may be correct here.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Ed I'm delighted if that's what you're implying. Shunning the advances of these London girls over the last four months had begun to work a hard splinter of cruelty into my heart that I was beginning to actually enjoy there :P

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Ken C OTM³.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 7 January 2004 18:29 (twenty-two years ago)

DV, i totally disagree that it's just an american thing. it completely freaked me out when i moved here and found out that if you go on a date/kiss someone, there is an expectation that you are an item and dating exclusively (which is how i would define commitment, probably)

in the states people are much more understanding of dating casually and perhaps making a decision to be exclusive at some point in the future.

i say this as someone that is a notorious commitment-phobe.

― colette (a2lette), Thursday, 8 January 2004 11:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought DV was implying that no one goes on about Commitment, not that it doesn't happen. As in, it's something you slide into, rather than have a big old discussion about.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 8 January 2004 11:03 (twenty-two years ago)

people in britain don't date as far as I know

― Ed (dali), Thursday, 8 January 2004 11:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I have never knowingly been on a date.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 8 January 2004 11:05 (twenty-two years ago)

But then I am increasingly coming to the conclusion that I am slightly socially maladjusted, so I might not be the best data point.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 8 January 2004 11:07 (twenty-two years ago)

ah, maybe that's it. you don't talk about it because it's just assumed. tricky.

― colette (a2lette), Thursday, 8 January 2004 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

'committed' used to mean [left-wing] political commitment.

― Enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 8 January 2004 14:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I went on a date once, but it wasn't till like two months later we actually went out a bit

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 8 January 2004 14:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know, commitment is pretty hard to divorce from marriage. I live with my girlfriend and I have no intention of going anywhere, but I also just can't see myself getting married anytime soon, so I still feel like a 'commitment-phobe' sometimes.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 8 January 2004 15:35 (twenty-two years ago)

Are You Likely to Marry?

― Kingfishee (Kingfish), Thursday, 8 January 2004 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I am commitmentphobic, but then I don't like any Alan Parker movies.

― Pete (Pete), Thursday, 8 January 2004 16:16 (twenty-two years ago)

My last bf left me because our relationship was "too asymmetrical". This might have meant that he felt bad because he knew he wasn't as committed as me. I'm not 100% sure.

― caitlin (caitlin), Thursday, 8 January 2004 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I prefer the term "lopsided when it comes to love"

― Pete (Pete), Thursday, 8 January 2004 16:40 (twenty-two years ago)

caitlin what do you mean by "as committed"? I just don't get this. As committed to... spending nights in making hot chocolate? As committed to... carjackings?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 8 January 2004 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

one month passes...

having a low-grade panic over the last few days because of my commitmentphobia. i've got to be out of my flat by the 1st and can't move in to the new one until the 13th. my boy has kindly offered to let me and my things stay there. which i'll accept, since it is logically the best thing to do.

and it's freaking both of us out.

is this weird? some of the girls at the swap thought i was weird, as it has been going on for some time now, and the 'living together' is temporary and all that. but at least one person seemed to understand why this is an issue...

thoughts?

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe you don't like him as much as you thought. i.e. the thought of spending 2 weeks in the same flat makes you uncomfortable, and actually that's the thing that's freaking you out?

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:28 (twenty-two years ago)

This is probably shaky ground, as I think I can guess who your confidante was at the swap meet.

Do you consider yourself to be still some way away from being a proper grown up? Because this fortnight will oblige you to take on a role as it might be in your (grown-up) future, and it might simply be that your gut reaction is "but I'm not ready!", even if rationally you can see it as being fine and easy.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Or - do you feel that you might realise that this would have been a workable alternative to finding a place with other people, and you're scared it'll go really well and you'll end up frustrated and uncertain about what you've done, your motives behind it, etc. etc.?

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:35 (twenty-two years ago)

get a hotel

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:36 (twenty-two years ago)

that wasn't being facetious, either. if you're both freaked then you're quite likely to have a bad time. personally, id be a bit pissed off if my girlfriend was worried about spending 10 days in my company, but hey that's just me

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:39 (twenty-two years ago)

tracer-- does that mean that i only REALLY like him if i'm ok to live with him?

mark-- i'm reading it quickly because i'm on my way to Corporate Induction. but, yes, i feel i am a ways away from being a grown up. and it might be the gut reaction that i'm not ready, but it's also freaking out about not having my own space and privacy, etc.

and no, it isn't that it will make me frustrated that i'm not out house shopping with him. NOT that there's anything wrong with SOME people moving in with their boyfriends, it's just this particular situation, you know? ;)

(xpost-- i'm too poor for a hotel. and i think he's freaked out as well. we have a good balance of spending time together and apart, and that's going to change dramatically)

― colette (a2lette), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:41 (twenty-two years ago)

if you were going on holiday together, you would be sharing for 14 days. so, treat it like a holiday

― Stringent Stepper (Stringent), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Hm, I don't know, colette. I just think what is termed "commitment-phobia" stems from the realization you don't REALLY like this person in that 100%-for-life way, but also not really wanting to break up because you still like them loads. "Break-up phobia" in other words. Or "single-phobia."

xpost - gareth OTM!!!!

You know, things like this can be like when you were a little kid and you didn't want to get in the bath. And then once you get in you're like "holy crap what was I afraid of, this is awesome."

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Tracer, sorry dude, I think you're off beam again. It's like getting a new job - you're naturally nervous, scared of all the new experiences you'll be having, not wanting to get things wrong, and wondering what the hell will happen if it doesn't work out. Obviously it can happen your way, but I reckon that NOT feeling all these things when taking such a big step, espeically if you haven't taken it before (or you have but it went badly) would be more of a warning sign.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 23 February 2004 13:53 (twenty-two years ago)

gareth OTM!!!!

Wait, Gareth is Stepper?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 23 February 2004 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Occasionally.

Markelby did you read the last para of my last post??

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 23 February 2004 15:00 (twenty-two years ago)

You've ruined it now, Tracer ;)

I'm amazed how few people noticed.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 23 February 2004 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I totally failed to notice.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Monday, 23 February 2004 15:34 (twenty-two years ago)

two years pass...

Can anyone explain to me what it means when I've been with someone for several years, lived with her over a year, spend a lot of time with her and have never cheated but she feels she wants to know I'm "committed" and doesn't feel that? She insists this doesn't mean marriage, but what does it mean then?

― OutToLunch (Hurting), Friday, 24 February 2006 04:18 (twenty years ago)

tattoo your shlong with her name

― oops (Oops), Friday, 24 February 2006 04:25 (twenty years ago)

women be wantin' commitment! she wants to feel her time isnt being "wasted." not even she will be able to tell you what this means.

― ryan (ryan), Friday, 24 February 2006 04:33 (twenty years ago)

and she'll take what you give her as long as it's free

― estela (estela), Friday, 24 February 2006 04:37 (twenty years ago)

she's being selfish. she needs you to tell her you need her so she can feel assured and confident in the relationship. this is a silly game i've seen many girls play. i sort of understand why they do it, but it gets rather annoying.

― tehresa (tehresa), Friday, 24 February 2006 05:39 (twenty years ago)

Hold on, how is this selfish? She's invested several years of her life in this relationship, and wants to know it hasn't been a waste of time, that you aren't just going to bugger off and make her have to start all over again with someone else. It sounds she's just experiencing a wee touch of insecurity. Has one of her friends come out of a long-term relationship recently? (that's what triggered my only bout of "are we really in this for the long haul" insecurity)

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 24 February 2006 18:42 (twenty years ago)

if it ended tomorrow, would it really have been a waste of time?

i read somewhere, once, that life is about the journey.

― terry lennox. (gareth), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:02 (twenty years ago)

if she can't trust that he's committed to her after all this time together, she needs to evaluate herself and what she really wants rather than making it his problem. how many things does he have to do before she'll believe he's committed? he obviously is right now, but if she keeps this crap up, she's going to lose him. i've seen this happen several times. guys are totally into their girls, committed and whatnot, but the girls, feeling a need for female melodrama and constant reassurance, push the matter until it finally drives the guy away.

― tehresa (tehresa), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:06 (twenty years ago)

People be insecure!

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:14 (twenty years ago)

OTM. And then she'll blame him. "See, I knew he wasn't committed!" ARGH HIGH-MAINTENANCE WOMEN

(xpost)

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:14 (twenty years ago)

I think that goes both ways, though, Rock.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:21 (twenty years ago)

But but...tehresa, do you really think so? I mean, without exception? Of course you could be completely right but going simply by Lunch's description, there's no mention of emotional closeness or intensity...all the points he (presumably "he") raises are physical or...concrete, if that makes sense. They're measurable. But they could have next to nothing to do with how the woman in question FEELS about the situation.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:26 (twenty years ago)

That's true enough, M. (My empathy is currently at ebb tide.)

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:29 (twenty years ago)

Not to mention we're getting only his side of the story here, there could very well be a tangible "This is why I feel this way" reason for her that he thinks is stupid or irrelevant. It's not to say there aren't plenty of women in the world who are just always going to be demanding and needy, obviously, just automatically assuming someone is being selfish because of a bare-bones "My gf doesn't get it" account...I dunno.

― Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyzay), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:30 (twenty years ago)

I think people have more right to insecurity than melodrama.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:31 (twenty years ago)

Since insecurity is an emotion that happens to you and melodrama is a way of dealing with that emotion.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:32 (twenty years ago)

of course there are exceptions! there are always exceptions! i feel like a lot of women can't trust whatever emotional closeness they sense. those things are harder to verbalize, so that's probably why hurting brought up things like living together. some women require a guy to constantly tell them how much they love them and care about them, and that's what i think is selfish. some guys just aren't about coddling, but that's no reason to sabotage a relationship or constantly question his feelings/intentions.

xpost to laurel

also, ally is right. it's hard to fairly assess the situation only knowing his side. it's just that from the description we were given, i immediately thought of girls i know who ruin relationships by constant neediness and lack of trust.

― tehresa (tehresa), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:33 (twenty years ago)

Coddling? Ideally, the ladies who need all the reassurance will end up with men who don't mind giving it, or vice-versa. I don't think that means that they necessarily have a better chance of a long term relationship, but at least they won't be as miserable together.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:37 (twenty years ago)

granted, all desire for open communication and reassurance in a relationship does not equal coddling, but when you overdue it, it can go from constructive to offensive and annoying.

― tehresa (tehresa), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:43 (twenty years ago)

I agree. It's just that some people feel insecurity more than others. Maybe due to their childhood or amatory history or whatnot, and thinking that they are ever going to be happy without a larger amount of reassurance than someone with amore phlegmatic temperament is a little naive too. I'm not condoning over-the-top drama queenery here, I'm just saying some people are constitutionally ill suited for each other.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:49 (twenty years ago)

See, tehresa, given the orig description I immediately thought of men who don't understand why it's not enough that they bring home a paycheck and cut the lawn on Sundays...as if action ALONE is enough to prove/build/maintain intimacy. So we ran with it in opposite directions!

Obv everyone wants a different balance of verbalization vs simple action or concrete proof, and even the same person can shift radically depending on what else is going on w/ him or her. But it sounds more like they're just out of sync for some reason. Doesn't every long-term thing go through that eventually and/or repeatedly? It seems inevitable, people be different yo.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 24 February 2006 19:50 (twenty years ago)

We just were talking about this today in my psych class, actually. Funny how everything is connected, right? We've been discussing the disgusting amount of choices we have in this society and how we all seem to think that more choice is always better. And so, in some ways, people have a fear of committing because they want to still have other choices. But it prevents you from being able to focus on that one person in your life and getting as close and intimate as you can.

― petlover, Friday, 24 February 2006 21:26 (twenty years ago)

Thanks everyone, these responses are all sort of helpful, and I like the trash-talk-show-audience-style back-and-forth.

The problem is we're old enough (mid 20s) to be thinking seriously about the future, but neither of us are ready for kids. Also my career path is really uncertain right now and hers is only just starting to become more certain.

I think she has some right to feel worried -- I've felt like we were treading water for a while and I haven't wanted to admit it. But it's ALSO true that she's very insecure, and a lot of it does have to do with her past.

I care about her and there are many good things about are relationship, but I also fear that I won't be able to live the way I want, that she'll control my life (or I'll let her control it) too much. Unfortunately these fears are exacerbated by the current situation, in which I'm starting to feel like my arm is being twisted.

Last night we had a good talk about our relationship concerns and I thought that things were moving in the right direction, but then this morning she packed a bag to stay somewhere else for a while to "give me space." I tried to explain that I didn't want that sort of "space,"
just space within the relationship to do our own thing more. She is angry and doesn't want to feel like she's stuck waiting on me to decide with the ball entirely in my hands. I understand this but can't make a quick decision. Not sure what to do or when she is coming back.

― OutToLunch (Hurting), Friday, 24 February 2006 22:47 (twenty years ago)

Sounds like she's the one who wants out, but is framing the argument to put the blame on you.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Friday, 24 February 2006 23:03 (twenty years ago)

I doubt that. She's made it pretty clear she wants to get married if I do.

― OutToLunch, Friday, 24 February 2006 23:57 (twenty years ago)

Just off the top of my head, I wonder if her staying somewhere else thing is just to get some agency back -- is there any way to even up the balance of decision-making power until you sort your head out? It really, really sucks to be at someone else's mercy, esp when she's potentially afraid that her/your last few years of relationship-building might be for nought.

― Laurel (Laurel), Saturday, 25 February 2006 00:02 (twenty years ago)

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