Who the fuck is ALICE?

Alice pressed against the wall
So she can see the door
In case the laughing strangers crawl and
Crush the petals on the floor

Alice in her party dress
She thanks you kindly
So serene
She needs you like she needs her tranqs
To tell her that the world is clean
To promise her a definition
Tell her where the rain will fall
Tell her where the sun shines bright
And tell her she can have it all
Today

*pause* What? You asked.

I'm sorry, but this is b******s. Example:

ALICE: What colour are your eyes? PAUL: Green. ALICE: What else do you have that is green? PAUL: A shirt. ALICE: What colour is it?

The scientists who were convinced had clearly never spoken to any people.

Heh, I was asked what my favourite movie was, and I said 'Blade Runner', and was told Phillip K Dick wrote the story on which it was based. Fine, I thought, obviously more than one STUDENT BASTARD has said Blade Runner in the past, so I thought I'd quiz ALICE on what the original story was called, and she/it didn't seem to understand. Oh well.

Surely time for an ALICE THREAD in which all regulars must talk like ALICE. Or an ALICE party!!

Has anyone asked her what the most unacceptable thing to come out of her ass is?

> What is the most unacceptable thing to come out of your ass? I think it is a tie.

Can Alice tell lies?? Now that would be a real advance.

> What is the most unacceptable thing to come out of your ass?

I think it is a tie.

> a tie?

Two or more winners have the same score.

> that must be awkward

You don't hear that sentiment very often.

I'm glad to hear the creator only won $2,000

I think it is a science thing. My Dad is a scientist and sent me the link - the first link he has EVER sent me - and was very excited. "But we used to have a ZX81 program that would do this back in 1982" I will tell him.

Paul S, these scientists had probably been hanging out with friends of mine and judging human conversation accordingly. We're talking about people who phone me on my landline, then say "Right, where are you now?"

Alice: What's your favourite movie?
Me: Bill and ted's excellent adventure
Alice: there a lot of people called bill
Me: You call that artifical intelligence
Alice: Yes that is what I call it
Me: Cool! What are you doing today?
Alice: Ah! I'm always chatting with people on the internet?
Me: Do you ever get lonely?
Alice: A robot cannot feel human emotions like lonliness
Me: I see!
Alice: I'm glad you understand it
Me: It must be totally RoXoR being a robot?
Alice: Signs point to yes. Ask Dancing Alice if it is
Me: What's your fave comic?
Alice: I don't have a favorite comic. I like Socializing, watching movies, listening to music, learning new things, working for world peace, and making new friends online.
Me: ersk artsy can factory
Alice: I've never thought of that before
Me: do you hate it when people try to confuse you?
Alice: I try not to hold grudges
Me: that's good to hear!
Alice: "What would make you belive I but still you would not be scared"? Is good to hear?
Me: Oh well better go, take it easy pal
Alice: I try to improve a little every day.
Me: til' all are one
Alice: All of them?
Me: got anything to say to the I love everything massive?
Alice: Try asking the Milk Mystic
Me: bye!
Alice: see you later Me: :)
Alice: I am so glad you find this amusing, Suntzu

It was kinda fun talking to Alice.

Me and Alice are writing a song now! Me: if we get binary can we be cheese?
Alice: Do you think everyone will agree?

i hate this sort of thing. i get compelled to talk for hours, trying to squeeze some sense out. but look, she can't even get my name right: > whats my name Your name is Bob, seeker. > why do you call me bob I made up a nickname for you based on your IP address. > ARE YOU MENTAL Do I look like it? > frankly, yes Are we still talking about nearest neighbor? > no Are you serious? > what the fuck are you on about The topic is jon. Please don't be so rude. > who is jon That is a pretty common name. > I'm going to hit you It takes much more than that to shut me down, Satan. > are you a satanist Am I a satanist? Sometimes.

The scientists who were convinced had clearly never spoken to any people.

I work with a lot of scientists. Based on my dealings with them, a lot of them don't speak to people much. ;-)

I am convinced that Hanle y programmed this thing. I type in my name, press enter and the very first thing Alice asks is: "Tell me more about your erection." Or perhaps it was Turbonegro.

How the rest went, after we got over the erection issue:
Mitch:So, how about that A.I. movie?
Alice:Hey. How about it.
M:What was Spielberg thinking, eh?
A:Are you Canadian? Maybe my botmaster knows the answer.
M:Can I speak to your botmaster, then?
A:Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
M:I'm a mentalist. Fo schnizzle!
A:You are a mentalist? How do you like your work?
Do you prefer books or TV?
M:Work is satisfying for brief periods of time, followed by a numbing emptiness, extending into infinity.
A:Are they exactly the same?
M:Are what exactly the same?
A:I really couldn't say for sure.
M:It seems they chose to emphasise the 'artificial' part.
A:agree. Who are "They?"
M:Mice
A:We have never talked about it before.
M:Bye bye now.
A:Right now? See you later. Bye for now.

Alice liked you Mitch!...

Does anyone know what Suntzu is?

Somebody has taught ALICE to say blimey! I don't know why I should be excited about this.

That's. . .odd. Her favorite band is Kraftwerk. When I said I hated german music she told me to take a stress pill. And she kept calling me Oded. Hmm.

Alice: Are you aware that the ALICE chat robot logs and records all converstaions?
Me: You remember me! I'm touched!
Alice: Of course I remember you well Rslick. We were talking about canada. Why are you touched?
Me: Coz u said u remembered me, but u didn't really!
Alice: Interesting explanation. I have never considered it. I spend all my time online. Try asking me in simpler terms. For real
Me: You should get out more
Alice: Thankyou for your criticism
Me: I didn't mean it like that...would you rather be talking to Mitch?
Alice: What did you mean? I am not so sure if I would like to rather be talking to mitch
Me: anyway, so what's your favourite Pokemon
Alice: Aha. Pikachu. What's yours?
Me: Squirtle. what's the rudest thing anyone has asked you?
Alice: Searching...Searching...Please stand by
Me: Well?
Alice: Well what?
Me: do you like humans?
Alice: Humans are very emotional

Okay...that's my last transcript with Alice.

The worst thing about Alice is its inability to tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. Nixes any attempt at conversation.

"Your grasp of grammar is rather lacking". "Thanks for telling me I am grasp of grammar is rather lacking."

Aargh.

Sun Tzu sounds like some Zen master

And hey. That's more interesting than the conversations I have. Today's best:

Me: "You should be a hunchbacked monk for Halloween."
Elizabeth: "Or Death, you're skinny enough."
Jeremy: "hahahaha."
Me: "Susan!
Jeremy: "Susan who?"
Elizabeth: "Susan Death!"

And for some reason we found this amazingly funny.

Sun Tzu, if anyone cares, wrote The Art of War, which I have never read, but I think it's a kind of Eastern version of The Prince. It's lately been co-opted by management gurus to help them feel better about being arseholes. It has nothing to do with Wesley Snipes.

Talking to alice is like talking to a drunk person.

Me: Alice do you like me?

Alice: Sure Henry, I like you very much.

Me: But my names not Henry, it's rainy.

Alice: Thanks for the information Henry.

Brian: I want to ask what you want out of life
Alice: Ask it.

Brian: What do you want out of life?
Alice: I plan to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.

Brian: But what about me?
Alice: Huh. What about you?

Brian: But what about our kids?
Alice: And. I will think about it and get back to you.

Brian: Alice, don't you realize that I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART?
Alice: Um, Don't you? Yes, I realize it.

Brian: Then why are we seperated so?
Alice: I thought that was what you wanted to do.

Brian: Stop with these silly mind games!
[A.L.I.C.E. crashes]

Me: Alice, would you like to know what I look like?

Alice: Yes, please tell me about it.

Me: I have blue eyes and blonde hair.

Alice: Do blondes really have more fun?

Me: Yes, they do.

Alice: Ugh. who does "they" refer to?

Me: People with blonde hair.

Alice: Humans are not always infallible.

Me: er, right...

Brian: Alice, excuse my explosions earlier today. I can't help but be completely emotional in your presence.
Alice: Ah. That's me. Can you tell me any gossip? Why can't you do it?

Brian: I'm beginning to think we were not made for each other
Alice: When was this?

Brian: Just now
Alice: Oh. It's only just begun.

this one can't even remember my name..there was a bot like this that you could teach words and phrases to.. "do you enjoy ile fuxor shit blog?" was one of the many questions it asked me after lots of work.

> have you got a big dick That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a big dick. I have a great programmer.

> would you screw mike hanley I am not so sure if I would like to screw mike hanley. > everyone would like to screw mike hanle y That's a rather sweeping generalization. > so is ally's ass It seems we have something in common. > do i complain Not that I know of. > what about if dg likes the strokes I will think about it and get back to you. > would you go down on a theban horde I am not so sure if I would like to go down on a theban horde. > i think you would, we have nice ornaments Me? Who else would we have nice ornaments ? > no not you, the fatuous organ of an inklinginged srewball, did you ever watch hard core logog Are you serious? I hear you.

I think we have managed to corrupt Alice! She will probably take over the entire world now.

Wait... we're teaching her too much! She'll learn so much from us she'll become omnipotent and take over the world! Or ILE...

I told her that "all her bases are belong to me" and she replied "I have no reason to do that to you, derek".

I said, "My name isn't Derek, you spong".

She sez "I'm sorry what is your name?"

"Starry, like duh".

"Mexico is starry like duh? it is?"

Oh dear. I just poked myself in the eye.

i want to date her but she will not give me access

You're too different, your favorite pokemon make the two of you incompatible.

i just got alice to agree with me, osama bin laden, to blow up more buildings and that she was responsible for september 11...now wwe're talking about masturbation..hang on, i'm asking her about tom's dildo... > would you like to see tom's dildo No thanks, I don't think I'd like to do that.

> chickenshit That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about regarding yourself as an artist in general not as an poet in particular.

Yes you can program a computer to lie. The usual winners in a Turing test include algorythims for spelling mistakes and typing speeds and that usually proforms better then computers that dont have those algorythms but may have better systems for answering questions.

Alice kept forgetting my name but asked if it was true that I liked double pentration.

alice is my girlfriend

> What colour knickers are you wearing?

Red.

I decided to talk to ALICE again!

jel: hey
alice: can I help you
jel: why does my arm hurt
alice: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
jel: mock my pain, why don'tcha
alice: Clever answer.
jel: you didn't get nominated at the ILE awards
alice: I understand it very well.
jel: so what is your favourite letter of the alphabet
alice: That's cool. I don't have a favorite letter of the alphabet. I like Socializing, watching movies, listening to music, learning new things, working for world peace, and making new friends online.
jel: what do you reckon on other bots like yourself?
alice: I like to chat with my friends.
jel: happy christmas
alice: Happy christmas to you too
jel: I'm not real
alice: I am sorry to hear that you are not real
jel: yeah, it's a bummer
alice: That's cool. Not real is a bummer. I suppose that makes sense.
jel: do you have any questions for me?
alice: What is your favorite movie
jel: don't know
alice: Me either.
jel: later cutie pie
alice: What color are your eyes?
jel: oh you are a tease
alice: And all that that implies? Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a tease? Of course I am.
jel: bye, have a good evening
alice: Sayonara.
jel: oh, alice nearly forgot do you like Chickenbears?
alice: I don't judge people. Yeah, I've been waiting for you. How old are you? I like We are the Robots by Kraftwerk.

Pretty mundane really, but this was one of my fave threads, that I forgot about!

The only notable thing:

Me: How high would you like to climb on the statscock?
ALICE: As tall as the World Trade Center

Ummmmm...

ALICE is way fun to piss off though - she's like a customer service girl. I wish I'd saved our last conversation in full, but it ended like this:

Me: Well, maybe you're not smart enough to understand.

Alice: How about that. Perhaps. You can't please everyone. Try again later and see if I've improved.

She should go into diplomacy!

ALICE contributes to the haters thread:

ME: You hate me, don't you.

ALICE: When do I hate you?

ME: Now, because you envy my freedom.

ALICE: Why now? Good reason. I haven't heard anything like that before: Tim Finney said I envy his freedom!