We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

I'm sympathetic with Tom, actually -- though I'm single right now. The people you'd most expect to remain a good friend, even when Cupid's target, end up deserting your friendship because now "love will take care of the rest". Adding insult to injury, the only time they'll talk to you is to tell you how GRATE their new s/o is. I've been "dumped" by friends because of that, and it's really disappointing -- mainly because, as for love personally, I've always made a point to still acknowledge my friends and treat them no different than before.

Now, You can't obviously retain the same amount of friendship time when you fall into love.. but there's never an excuse for considering past friendships dispensible.

Sean, even though I worded it weirdly, I brought up that very point about understanding spending less time with friends when in a relationship, it being ok, etc.

It just depends on the friends for me. It's all about my friends' history and context. Sometimes I'm very happy for my friends but not envious at all. Sometimes both. Sometimes neither.

as for friends dumping their friends when they get into a relationship, i think thats a normal part of getting into a relationship, its temporary, its called the honeymoon period and everyone goes through it and i understand when my friends do it.

I do also have friends who I don't see as much as I like because they've just started living with a partner. It's a bummer when you think, 'shit, I'll never see this friend on their own ever again.' I have two really close friends who I rarely see now because they're in love, and for keeps. If I'm feeling low about having undeveloped weekend plans it *really* bums me out, because at least one of these friends leads a very exciting life (she's an artist) and mine feels a little bit less so because she's not around so much. Another is married and moved out of London, and although I like the guy she married, he can be very proprietorial. We shared a friend whose new girlfriend seems to have weaned him off his other female friends so we're mindful of making the effort with friendships, and I do tend to suffer dreadfully from separation anxiety, so I bear these factors in mind when I wonder about my potential for overreacting.

But why can't they do stuff on their own or with you some of the time without compromising their new relationship? That's wierd! If you have to do everything together all the time, it's not the kind of relationship I'd want. I've got friends who my wife doesn't particularly want to meet very often if at all, who are really important to me, and vice versa. We've also got loads of friends in common. Isn't that normal?

It's one thing to spend LESS time with your friends because you're in a relationship. It's another thing to spend no time, and if you do see them you bring along Mr. Wonderful. That's obnoxious behavior, I'm sorry.

In the more worrying case I'm talking about the married friend. Maybe y'all can advise me, because I do genuinely like the husband. My friend was diagnosed with clinical depression and her SO is utterly devoted to her. Both are charming, erudite, well-read people who have a deeply Romantic idea of love (they are really big on public displays). But when she's ill he kind of stands guard at the gates a bit, and it makes me feel uncomfortable whe I ring up to speak to her and he says she's ill and isn't taking calls. If it were a bad TV movie I'd worry more, but it's not. She explains that she's had a bad week after the fact, and it's OK. I do see her on her own but I have to say that's what I want, and now we're in different cities it's obvious I'm going to see them as a duo when they come up to London.

How would you negotiate this one? Am I being over-sensitive or (erm) histrionic?

As for friends being SUCCESFUL, in the amphitheatre of ROCK i have had a few friends being succesful, and actually it was GRATE. I got to get into some gigs for free and lived VICARIOUSLY through their Rock Excitement (such that it was). What is RUBBISH is when you have friends who aren't really succesful but try to make out they are, so ACT like their idea of Success (i.e. Arseholes). That can be wearying.

It's like this: it's called being a fairweather friend, it seems to fall females more than it falls men. The syndrome is as follows, for those of you who either do it yourselves and are defending it or for those of you unfamiliar: friend is constantly with you, hanging with you all the time, when they are not hooked up. Friend hooks up with new significant other, and suddenly stops calling you altogether and when you do bother to invite them anywhere can't go cos they are hanging with lover. Relationship ends, friend starts calling non-stop again. It's definitely more of a female thing than a male thing. They view their same-sex friends as "backup plans" for when they aren't getting fucked. That is completely lame, and that is something I refuse to do.

Is that that hard to understand? Anyone who says people should be understanding of their "friends" who do that because the shoe might be on the other foot next time is, quite frankly, a bit off to me. I have only engaged in this behavior once in my life, and it was more forced (ie what I said earlier upthread about if the man insists on it then you should ditch him pronto) than anything else. They're your FRIENDS - shouldn't you be understanding of their want to see you just as much as they should be understanding of your lessened time?

It's basically purely selfish - there are certain people in this world who HAVE to be the thick of it all the time, they can't spend a night in by themselves, so they have a posse of people they use as a backup plan.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/13/superachiever-friends-bad-for-you

maybe some truth here? i have friends who are always DOING THINGS and talking about it, and sometimes it feels less like a report and more of an "i am impressive!" thing, and usually this seems to occur more on facebook or twitter than in real life, where such bragging seems to be less accepted. it can be exhausting, maybe not in terms of one being jealous but maybe one feeling like there's always a competition going on?

i don't know if "this column will change your life" is intended to be a funny commentary on the subject of the article or not. so far my life remains unchanged, though.

I guess it is all about how you talk about things, as well as what you choose to talk about. The most profound, wonderful things to happen to me this year I've barely mentioned anywhere in a public forum just because I figure they are private and relevant only to myself, for instance. Also, if you're content on some level then hearing about other people's success is easier as a result. (Sure, I wanna be nabisco and write for New York and all, or rather some part of me wants to be that, but I also know he's a much better writer than me to start with! But maybe more relevant too is the fact that he doesn't hit you over the head with that either.)

been cogitating on a lot of this stuff for some days now...i disagree with the article overall.

my thinking has been prompted by a close friend of mine who is v successful, prob about to become famous. he's often in london and we hang out, and lately he's brought me along to some of his premieres and stuff, and it's sort of boggling and crazy. i'm currently unemployed and in the past i think it might have prompted negativity for me, seeing all this glamour and stuff might have made me feel a lack of self worth, if not jealousy. esp while jobless.

but actually it hasn't made me feel that way, it's the opposite. going to these launches and meeting people who do a lot and are successful has really inspired me. i'd been sort of rebuilding my life since i lost my job and actually feeling really positive and my successful friend has made me more positive. i feel like there's a world of opportunity out there and endless new people to meet and i feel comfortable meeting those people.

but more importantly i feel ready to challenge myself to go out and have my own success, beyond just getting a job even if that's the first step.

so i disagree with the column above...i really think successful friends, if they're genuinely successful, and if they're not just showoffs or whatever, can really inspire. perhaps i'm on a particularly upward curve but there you go.

i do like burkeman's columns a lot tho...

I kind of understand that column's point: John's sister is just this insanely successful, glamorous, beautiful woman who is pretty impossible to live up to. By age 26 she already had a high-paying job, and had purchased and flipped a house at a great profit during that window of time that was a thing. I'd just met her around this time and was totally intimidated. On top of this she is very graceful and humble about it. I recently realized that she's an anomaly, not a standard.

Being around people who have already achieved what I see as an attainable level of success are very inspiring & motivating to be around. Far more so than hanging out with people whose #1 MO is still getting high every day and that's the start and end of their goals – which was me when I met John's sister.

My best friend became really successful and completely dropped me out of their life... it was absurd. Another one of my friends kind of did the same thing to me. And I've had people who used to be mean in high school end up being really nice. It's a cliche but I don't think you have to be jealous just to admit that some people become assholes when they succeed. I don't particularly envy these people and I don't know that I would want what they have or to succeed on their terms... it's more frustrating to have put years into friendships that go nowhere.

so i disagree with the column above...i really think successful friends, if they're genuinely successful, and if they're not just showoffs or whatever, can really inspire. perhaps i'm on a particularly upward curve but there you go.

yes, totally. i used to get pretty jealous of friends doing interesting/successful-type things, but ive managed to reframe relationships like that as less, "why does this person have an amazing life and i dont" and more "hey this is an amazing successful person and he/she wants to spend time with me, thinks im cool, interested in my opinions," which is flattering & inspiring & stuff.

this obviously doesnt work for people who get successful and no longer want to be your friend, but fuck those people.

the key is to always surround yourself with lesser people who will drag you down the moment you try to escape from them

My succesful friends inspire me but also make me feel like a lazy schlub for not doing more!

There's my ex bf, who has recorded and released 2 albums and half a dozen eps in the 3 years Ive been around him. There's my friend N, who quit her telco job to start a vintage fashion store and has now written a v succesful book on vintage fashion and is v widely regarded (Dita von Teese came to her store when in town for eg). She works her *butt* off though.

Even my housemate spends every waking moment developing video game technology and I know at some point soon he'll make something of it and become succesful.

I guess its not for us all. Its hard when yr surrounded by a LOT of go-getting freaky talenteds, tho.

i have friends who are at varying levels of success, some of whom are living paycheck to paycheck (or are crashing on couches) and some of whom are making $200k per year and one of whom is a pretty successful director. the ones who aren't humble about it and act like it's a competition are a bummer, the ones who are just regular about it are pretty inspiring, true.

this used to bother me so much more when i felt really insecure about my own life not surprisingly. now that things are 'happening' im p happy to hear abt/read abt/get facebook updates abt other ppl's success.

i don't hate it but i hate to be expected to make grimaces that convey "i am so impressed and jealous right now" by ppl who tell me about it, when i don't feel this way.

It's not friends who make me jealous. Acquaintances, however ...

Friends can get all sorts of lucky stuff they probably don't 'deserve', and I'm all sweetness and light; but people who are literally only a few 'degrees' away from full friend-status get one lucky break and suddenly they're everything that's wrong with the world. For about five minutes, anyway

shamefully admit, i totally get that