this is the thread to moan/make self deprecating jokes about VALENTINES DAY

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I am expecting a nice r0und number of cards.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:41 (twenty-two years ago)

That joke has served me so well.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Perhaps one year it will bring me love.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:42 (twenty-two years ago)

but you would believe in leprachauns, groundhogs no thank you Easter bunny

― stevem 3000 (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Ronan, I swear if next February you and I are still both in ILx and you use that joke again I will come to Dublin and throttle you with my bare hands.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:45 (twenty-two years ago)

the worst thing is when you get a sympathy card from a platonic female friend, ha ha.

actually it was pretty cool.

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Did you get a shag out of the misunderstanding, steve?

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:45 (twenty-two years ago)

My friend's Mum once sent her a Valentine card from her dog. I think this beats sympathy card from platonic female friend by some distance.

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

ps. she drew a paw print on it.

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah, Valentine's day. I shall be making a lot of money for my lords and masters by jamming clueless boyfriends who've left it far too late to book. into tables at anholy hours, making them pay way over the odds for the meal "because it's Vanentine's Day" and then hoisting their arses out the door after apporx ten minutes because we nee the table for somebody else "because it's Valentines Day". I shall frown at them when they order pints of lager and point at the champagne shelves as if to say "what, is she NOT WORTH the expensive stuff?" They will hate me. I will make mad dollaz. I heart Valentines Day.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm having a single blokes dinner/party event with a bunch of my friends who are both blokes and single. I think I will title the evening MORE LAUGHING OUT LOUD CIRCLE JERK TIME HOORAY.

― hmmm, Monday, 2 February 2004 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Matt you are very bad man and I think I might love you.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Ronan, why not just go out and get some pussy?

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

i must admit Barry a good pimp maketh

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:55 (twenty-two years ago)

well he only talks the talk, but it's 'no shag, no fee' - thus i owe him nowt so far

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Heh, if you think I'm bad now, just wait until the Grand National weekend. I'm an utter shit to the customers then.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

V Day and my lack of interest/enthusiasm for was probably the 'Leeds defeat' that signified end of my title challenge (relationship). or maybe it was the constant baffling football metaphors.

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Did you ever lie back in bed after sex and say "that was a good solid perfomrance, the lads gave 110%"?

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:06 (twenty-two years ago)

i tried but she would always snap back 'that's impossible - no-one can give more than 100% - by definition that is the most anyone can give"

god i miss her.

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

I've got Big Ron's number if you're getting lonely.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:08 (twenty-two years ago)

You must be sick as a parrot.

(sorry sorry sorry)

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

what do you call someone who isn't getting a valentines card this year?

ME!

hahahahhahaha

oh. and i can't even get any pussies this v.d.(haha surely they thought of the initials) cos it's my sister's wedding (eurrrgh getting married on valentine's day i wanna vom) and with my family in attendance it's best not to try and get any "pussies", really.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

"artificial red (fuck valentine's day)" (words/music by n. c0l3m4n, 1998)

(chorus)
fuck valentine's day in the bleeding red heart
piss and moan you're all alone and you deserve it
fuck it hard
you know where you can stick that valentine's day card

i miss you
like the smell of restaurant trash in the summertime
and i need you
like i need my stomach pumped until it's concave and dry
i kiss you
with a kiss of death go away what the fuck why today?
this is all for you
spit and piss and blood and puke deathray!

(chorus)

i love you
okay actually i'm just young and drunk and horny
i long to cuddle you
like the ground cuddles a casket into eternity
i dream of you
only they're night terrors oh the horror go the fuck away
this is all for you
the spit flying from my mouth when I say fuck valentine's day

(chorus)

― nickalicious as a yoof (nickalicious), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

It will be full of single people who are DOUBLY lonely and depressed, Ken. Quite frankly if you aren't up to your elbows in pussies I'd be quite surprised.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

can we replace "roses are red, violets are blue" with

"girl we off in this jeep
foggin windows up
blastin the radio
in the back of my truck
bouncin up and down
stroke it round and round
to the remix
we just thuggin it out"

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I better not use that joke next year, eek!

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I hate Valentine's day -- it alientates me from all my loser, sorry unattached, friends. They're all like, let's have an alt.valentine's day thing -- which always sounds much more fun than an actual Valentine's day thing, ie the awful evening spent in a restaurant with awful couply types, ugh.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:45 (twenty-two years ago)

i can bring you a sympathy card if you'd like, ronan.

― lauren (laurenp), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I got one last year! It said, sympathetically "happy valentines day, kid". It WASN'T from my mum!

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Was it from your biological mum?

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

at least it didn't say "Happy valentines day... heh, kiddin'"

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

It's my birthday, as I'm sure I've mentioned on here many a time before. This year, as it falls on a Saturday, I will be specifically asking all my encoupled friends to choose between their friends and their partners. I will threaten to outright disown those who fail this simple test of loyalty.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

happy valentines day

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Going out with yr 'partner' is the wack on V-Day. We steer clear. The atmos in restaurants is grim, forced like an xmas office do. The opposite of romantic.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Matt, I was under the impression that restaurant people hate Valentines? or is that just the snobby ones?

PS have you got a table for two a week on Saturday?

― chris (chris), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

What if I was adopted Barry?

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

The opposite of romantic.

OTM, Enrique, which is why I've been glad to miss out on V-Day. All that forced 'romance' makes single folk feel like we are missing out on something, just because we may not have someone to get cards or flowers from.

In reality, tis an excuse for yet another credit card bill. (Me, cynical? Nah.)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

It's naffsville for all but the most icksome couples believe me.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha we're going for dinner on Friday the 13th. Horroromantic! And heading out for some indie-schmindie dancing 'n' drinking action on the day itself. We may hold hands at some point.

Alt-valentine stuff is good, but would be better if people could genuinely enjoy it and not have to kind-of apologise for having fun without someone they're snogging on a regular basis by pretending that it's somehow ironic to go out with 'just' friends on one particular night of the year. Bah.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris: must just be the snobby ones. Valentines Day is very lucrative for us. It has its downsides (like the Christmas period the customers tend to be of the non-restaurant going type, and therefore much harder to deal with e.g. going to the bar to get their own drinks, not really having much idea of the concept of bookings), and it's bloody hard work (though nowhere near as hard as say, Mother's Day, where we spend the entire day getting unceremoniously bitch-slapped, as opposed to just the evening). But we're a business, same as any other, and Valentines Day is one of those days marked for profit. We're hardly about to avoid exploiting the country's collective insanity for the day.

I do, however, spend quite a lot of time explaining to desperate boyfriends that it might be much nicer if they, y'know, cooked for their girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes on the phone last year explaining how to cook a simple pasta dish to one poor soul (only after we were fully booked, obv).

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Also yes,I do have a table. Set menus twenty quid, the only table I have available is at half past five, and I need it back after two hours. Now If I could just take a contact phone number please?

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

first valentine's day engaged = mr teeny home in the snow, me in a bikini in nassau destroying other people's expense accounts via pina colada assault, bwahahaha I'm such a romantic.

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Jesus has no-one heard of take-away meals? Kebab vans? One place I booked once asked for my fucking credit card number before confirming.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Enrique your girlfriend must be one lucky lady - imagine a cosy Valentine's evening in with just her boyfriend and a chicken doner.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

It's even more romantic if you pay some drunken louts to hang in your living room and scream abuse.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:51 (twenty-two years ago)

"mmmm, that's a good kebab"

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't have to pay for that privilege, thankfully, it's included under the terms and conditions of my rent (fact).

xpost -- about the drunks, to clear up any confusion. I live in a fucntioning boatyard.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:53 (twenty-two years ago)

the kebab must be a special one though if they require you to book with a credit card beforehand!

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm actually quite looking forward to V-Day weekend for the first time in years. I think it is owed far more to the live music 1-2 punch of VHS or Beta Friday night and The Zombies on Saturday night, both at the same venue, than to any (possible [but not at all probable]) romanticles.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Just. Another. Saturday.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:56 (twenty-two years ago)

oops don't need it Matt, I'll be in France........with the in-laws! but hey, we'll be bringing back horse!!!!!

I think it was the splitting all the tables into twos and doing loads and loads of covers that I read annoyed them.

― chris (chris), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

How to Make It as a Heroin Dealer

1) Never advertise your profession on internet talkboards

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Isn't AdamL from SF coming down to LA with his wife that weekend?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

I think you misunderstand Enrique, I am taklking about the fine flesh of the horse, you know, those horrible four legged creatures that are good for nothing but eating and betting on.

― chris (chris), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:08 (twenty-two years ago)

NB. Do not bet on horse after you have eaten it.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:10 (twenty-two years ago)

horses for main courses

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha I don't remember being this bitter when I was single.

― Allyzay, Monday, 2 February 2004 17:22 (twenty-two years ago)

you were tarty, remember?

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Why are we worrying about VD two weeks before it's due?

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Never too early to rack up the bill, Jel.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:25 (twenty-two years ago)

it rtakes a while for the antibiotics to kick in

― chris (chris), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Teeny you saucy bitch.

― Allyzay, Monday, 2 February 2004 17:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I have a dentist appointment. There will be some rubber glove action after all! SCORE!!

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Monday, 2 February 2004 18:42 (twenty-two years ago)

the splitting up of tables is a bit of a nuisance, but loads of covers = loads of money, so I don't really undertand their problem. You'll make more money off three tables of two than you would one of six.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 18:43 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd bitter and angry when I see couples at the best of times, so on VD I get EXTRA angry. Fortunatly its a Saturday, so I won't have to put up with flowers being delivered to people in the office and them going "oooh, isn't that romantic!" all bastard day.

(Usually, I can see off being bitter about being single by playing Sinatra on my headphones, usually Songs for Swinging Lovers does the trick, though this year no need! Jusat stay indoors all day!)

― Johnney B, Monday, 2 February 2004 19:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, Valentine's Day doesn't bother me one way or the other. If I spend it alone, no biggie, if I don't, well hey, cool.

(The tarty thing comes in handy).

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 2 February 2004 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not bothered by it at all really, I saw Valentine's cards in Smiths and was really pleased to note that I didn't know the actual date at all.

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 2 February 2004 20:02 (twenty-two years ago)

― ModJ (ModJ), Monday, 2 February 2004 20:07 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm actually extremely tempted to ditch both the going-to-see-The-Zombies set of friends and the want-me-to-come-sing/play-"Hey Ya!"-with-them-for-a-bunch-of-hippies set of friends (both of which being settings wherein I'd be around certain persons I would prefer to be 'with' on said occasion, thus possibly being the spark that lit the fire of bitterness within me) and instead going out in the woods with a shit ton of shrooms or something. The jury is still out on this.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 2 February 2004 20:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Either that or I'll just get retarded wasted and make out with whoever's face is closest.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 2 February 2004 20:11 (twenty-two years ago)

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