"If neither of us is married in 20 years, let's get hitched."

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Have you ever said this to anyone?

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I did last night. We kind of joked about it but were also fairly serious, I think.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:25 (twenty-two years ago)

20 years is a long time.

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:26 (twenty-two years ago)

This happens only in the movies. Or "Friends"

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd think there'd be a semiconcious at least "well I might be dead before then" type of thought involved in that, but I would I guess

― Silly Sailor (Andrew Thames), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I said something along the lines of "If neither of us is married by the time I'm 35, let's have a kid" to someone. But he got a serious girlfriend, and then we got in a massive row and completely fell out. Not necessarily in that order. Can't really remember.

Escape clauses like that are total dud. If you like the person enough to get married to them eventually, get married to them now. Or something. How does it feel being someone's Backup Marriage? Pretty shit, I imagine.

― the river fleet, Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I think it would be theoritically possible to sanely have a kid with someone like that, but marrying someone just cuz they're the least reprehensible option?

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

i kont spal

― Huckadelphia (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

"... except if you get fat or ugly."

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, the marriage thing seems totally dud and desperate. Two people who are single but choose to reproduce, that is somewhat different, I guess.

― the river fleet, Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, the latter is an appallingly bad and self-indulgent idea, instead of just a dumb one.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Just be honest and admit you want to fuck them now.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:48 (twenty-two years ago)

But what if you only want to do them in 20 years time?

Ack, marriage is a dud anyway, apart for tax purposes. And spawing with someone just because you haven't found any other suitable displacement activities is a big fat bastard dud. Eww.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Spawning, SPAWNING.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

But what if you only want to do them in 20 years time?

Go for the parents.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

It's a quick fix, I'll admit.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I should add that in my case, we actually did date for a couple years (1999-2001) but broke up partially because we didn't want to get tied down in such an intense relationship in our early 20s.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:16 (twenty-two years ago)

What about now though jay?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I wouldn't want to date her again now because the whole "seeing other people" hasn't exactly worked out for me yet.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:30 (twenty-two years ago)

And you feel like you need that before any serious relationship, or any serious realtionship with her?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:32 (twenty-two years ago)

The latter.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:43 (twenty-two years ago)

But hey, this thread isn't about me!

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:43 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, I guess it is.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:49 (twenty-two years ago)

So Jay, are there any sexual problems? Haha, sorry, only joking!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, the latter is an appallingly bad and self-indulgent idea, instead of just a dumb one.

Hey! Scotland is threatened by serious depopulation. It's totally responsible!

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:53 (twenty-two years ago)

i said that to a 4 year old the other day. a 24 yr old bride awaits me in the future.

― oops that sounds perverted actually (ken c), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Pervert!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes it does, Ken you filthy beggar. Hey, CHU, leave those kids alone!

urgh xpost

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:58 (twenty-two years ago)

liz, marriage is not a dud, laura and i were happily married for nine years (and had been together for seven years before that) and if it hadn't been for the cancer we would have been happily married for many more years. don't generalise.

the answer to the original question is dud because you might not be alive in 20 years' time.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Kids=Dud -- what kind of a world etc etc
On the whole, this is dudder than getting married in the immediate term. Which is quite dud enough.

― Enrique (Enrique), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

it may be dud in Liz's opinion Marcello.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't know why 20 years seemed like a good time when I originally said it. Does 10 years change anything?

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

(Maybe because I can see myself in 10 years, at age 35, not quite ready to give in yet.)

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

it'd render my proposal illegal...

― pervert (ken c), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:04 (twenty-two years ago)

How about "If both of us are married in 20 years, let's have an affair"?

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

hahaha -- why not now though?

― Enrique (Enrique), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't fancy you.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

You've never met me

― Enrique (Enrique), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:10 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I said this to my friend Vin back in the day. We agreed to it, the way pre-teens agree to things like this. Enter: women. Bang went that pact.

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, I have a pact like this, except it was for when we turned 30, not in twenty years. I think it just comes about from being in a bad relationship or just having a bad breakup and being disgusted about the whole situation of love and marriage, or at least that was the case for the two of us. I think the pact is still good though I haven't checked recently.

― Allyzay, Wednesday, 4 February 2004 17:20 (twenty-two years ago)

UGH...these backup pacts are for boobs. An ex-gf/stalker told me this once. I'll probably never hear from her ever again, since she doesn't know 'bout my whereabouts!

― My Head Hurts (Francis Watlington), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 18:35 (twenty-two years ago)

If you're comfortable enough with someone to be able to say this humbling thing and you can actually imagine yourself with them, then you should probably marry this person.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 18:38 (twenty-two years ago)

What about "If neither of us is in a good relationship in 20 years, let's kill ourselves together?"

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 18:39 (twenty-two years ago)

That might be seen as a touch overwrought.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 18:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I had a 20-year pact with this one friend of mine. She and I, who had been friends for years by this point, had a relationship at the time centered around shared tales of how horrible our girl/boyfriend were, and I think it was more of a mutual I-know-you-you-deserve-better kinda thing. Although I can't say I wouldn't have made out with her given the chance.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 4 February 2004 19:00 (twenty-two years ago)

i said this once to an ex-g/f who i'm still friends with, but i wish i hadn't. i'm terrified because she keeps going out with dudes and then breaking up with them, saying that they don't compare to me. which is flattering, but still terrifying.

― Please Don't Google Me (rotten03), Thursday, 5 February 2004 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

"if neither of us is married in 20 years, I get to have that ass."

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Thursday, 5 February 2004 03:57 (twenty-two years ago)

What about "If neither of us is in a good relationship in 20 years, let's kill ourselves together?"
-- (marti...), February 4th, 2004 5:39 AM. (mushrush)

I've said that one before, while drunk and the length of time was reasonably shorter.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 5 February 2004 04:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Miccio you genius

― Dave M. (rotten03), Thursday, 5 February 2004 04:06 (twenty-two years ago)

It didn't work out on Murphy Brown. Frank and Murphy went their separate ways.

― Elsa Lanchester, Thursday, 5 February 2004 05:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 125 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Well, choke, and then cough. Because I have a cold ohno.
xpost

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 13 January 2006 22:58 (twenty years ago)

Hmm, I'd be about as old as you then, I guess you wouldn't want to see my nude buttocks twist while I vacuum the Persian.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 22:58 (twenty years ago)

(I'm sorry, I just came back from the pub, a bit tipsy...)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 22:59 (twenty years ago)

hey, there's a GG rerun on right now!

― yvette yreka (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:04 (twenty years ago)

"vacuum the Persian"

haha, GG is on! It's a SIGN.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:08 (twenty years ago)

All right, look, I'm apologizing ahead of time for getting all verklempt and confessional, but fuck it:

Robyn, you are exactly, exactly right with your tangent. I knew that I would never be known, that my motivations would never be understood, and the things I felt were most central to my self would go unnoticed and unvalued. In another place & time if we had no other options, could we have stayed together? Oh hell, probably. We never actually fought or set out to hurt each other, and we were equally sincere about trying to work things out. But oh god it made me so sad to be delvalued little by little. And the worst is that I did it to myself, because I thought maybe people were right, maybe I WAS being unrealistic, maybe I SHOULD accomodate myself to that role because that would be as good as it got.

I would so much rather go home to an empty apartment and still like myself.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:10 (twenty years ago)

Carpet! That's what I meant.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:11 (twenty years ago)

(x-post)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:11 (twenty years ago)

"carpet"

― yvette yreka (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:12 (twenty years ago)

I knew that I would never be known, that my motivations would never be understood, and the things I felt were most central to my self would go unnoticed and unvalued.

and this is exactly the kind of relationship that nabisco isn't talking about

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:16 (twenty years ago)

No, but it's another kind of relationship that a lot of people could have (and did) consider "sufficient" to carry on with.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:19 (twenty years ago)

Yes, exactly. And holy crap, Laurel - feeling devalued sucks, especially if you don't realize it's happening and why. And then you end up blaming yourself and you spiral downward. bah! When I realized it, and that things shouldn't be that way, I was totally shocked, to the point where I looked in the mirror and had this weird moment of "oh, Robyn, you're back, hi!" So weird.

But re: FINDING THE ONE or IT or SOUL MATE - I don't believe it either really. I think that people are connected in different ways and we go through a process of learning to recognize what those connections are - friendships, relationships, business partners, temporary thing, etc. It seems that a lot of hurt comes from misrecognition, attempting to make one kind of connection into another. In this case, living together with a partner is a pretty big deal - and even if it's just "nice" it still creates an intimacy, and if someone decides they want out or wants to be with other people, well, that's hurtful to both sides. I am obviously in that group of people who wants something more than "nice," I guess. But I have a feeling you weren't saying just this, L.

So now I'm thinking about what it is that KEEPS people together - b/c, for me, it's something more than just getting along or pleasantness.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:22 (twenty years ago)

Okay, I want to be a man-gigolo to four retired ILXors, is that straight enough?!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:23 (twenty years ago)

(x-post)

Oh dear, I'm sorry I interrupted your discussion, I'll go to sleep now.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:24 (twenty years ago)

the real question is: who's gonna be the female giga-ho to the retired tuomas, skidmore, kenan, and momus?

― yvette yreka (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:25 (twenty years ago)

omg, it's the reality tv of future.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:26 (twenty years ago)

Tuomas: What did Jody say?

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:28 (twenty years ago)

momus = rue mcclanahan
tuomas = betty white
skidmore = estelle getty
kenan = bea arthur

― yvette yreka (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:28 (twenty years ago)

xpost

Yes, those are all things (understanding your motivations, understanding what matters to you and who you are) that I consider part of the A+B -- the same things you'd expect from a same-sex Golden-Girl companion, you know? People who think relationships are "sufficient" without that tend to be people who think being in a romantic relationship at all is somehow fundamental to the human experience, which is, yes, batshit. I definitely understand you there, Laurel.

The "married in twenty years" arrangement ... I almost feel like this is the sort of thing you'd do with someone who understands you too well, if that makes sense -- the person who's almost too close to you to suddenly start having conventional romantic feelings? For the record I think this sort of thing is more just a nice compliment to pay a friend, not an actual good plan. In part because, yeah, "nice" is nice, but nobody ever really gives up on better-than-nice. And in the sense that we do change our minds -- in the sense that people shift their priorities about this stuff -- I don't think it's some conscious decision; I think they actually change. If today's "nice" friend will seem, in 30 years, like something wonderful, it won't be because of an agreement -- it'll be because you actually come to recognize some wonderfulness there.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:32 (twenty years ago)

He/she will be at karaoke singing "The Flame" or "Right Here Waiting for You" or something, and from then on it'll be exactly like that Andrew McCarthy movie with Mary Stuart Masterson as his best-friend punk drummer.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:35 (twenty years ago)

Tuomas: "No, I think it's perfectly okay for me wax your balls, since your back is aching. It's the 2040's, nothing's gay anymore. Or everything is. Am I hurting you?"

Martin: "No, that's good. You've obviously done this before, so gentle."

Momus: "You know, historically it was perfectly acceptable for four men to share a flat and shave each other's testicles. The socio-economic revolution that resulted in everyone and their balls needing a flat was seen beneficial to most, but it had it's downsides, for example the death of homosocial rituals such as communal pubic hair removal..."

Kenan: "Fuck's sake, I'm eating here!"

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:37 (twenty years ago)

And that concludes our thread, folks, g'night.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:38 (twenty years ago)

http://www.jpgr.co.uk/r6062_a.jpg

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:40 (twenty years ago)

haha. aw, but I'm tearing up here with the karaoke image. oh dear, it's all very When Harry Met Sally too...

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:42 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, but I've had the candidate for that in-30-yrs relationship directly in front of me for, like, the last 6 years, and we both know it. And it didn't work out the first time! So I fear the changes (read: damages) that would have to occur to make me wiling to settle for that all over again. If I'm so tired and so damaged-feeling NOW and the idea still seems ludicrous, how much more would have to be ahead of me to bring me around? It doesn't bear thinking about.

Fuck this, there are cocktails to be had.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 January 2006 23:48 (twenty years ago)

yay, i'm dorothy!!!

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Saturday, 14 January 2006 00:04 (twenty years ago)

i ask because none of the guys i've ever dated have considered me settling-down material and i'm thinkin' i'm just gonna die alone

jody, are you me??

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Saturday, 14 January 2006 00:05 (twenty years ago)

xpost to Laurel - It DOESN'T bear thinking about. Because thinking about such things drags a person down, takes you out of the present, where new and good experiences can happen. Who knows what's going to happen tonight, so let alone 30 years from now, I say (b/c I'm Rue Maclanahan's character, dammit! haha.) And there are cocktails RIGHT NOW guaranteed.

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Saturday, 14 January 2006 00:09 (twenty years ago)

jody, are you me??

oh, like you don't know the answer to that.

― yvette yreka (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 14 January 2006 00:34 (twenty years ago)

i just drank a lychee martini! consider my cocktail had.

― yvette yreka (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 14 January 2006 00:35 (twenty years ago)

Apologies to everyone for bleeding all over a perfectly nice thread, as I said to Jody. A little club soda and it should come out a treat!

― Laurel, Saturday, 14 January 2006 19:02 (twenty years ago)

No need to apologize Laurel--I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I tend to agree with you in the whole, though could not muster up enough energy add anything to the discussion.

― Mary (Mary), Sunday, 15 January 2006 04:46 (twenty years ago)

Sometimes we gotta bleed. I think that what you were saying is part of what makes this thread good, L!
(I have not had any cocktails this weekend! This is perhaps sad, but now my cold is almost gone! But I have this feeling that if I'd been out drinking I would have brought up this issue re: future friendship marriage promises and inevitably made such a promise, if only jokingly, and, god, probably to someone totally inappropriate. So it all works out.)

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Sunday, 15 January 2006 05:15 (twenty years ago)

Tuomas: "No, I think it's perfectly okay for me wax your balls, since your back is aching. It's the 2040's, nothing's gay anymore. Or everything is. Am I hurting you?"
Martin: "No, that's good. You've obviously done this before, so gentle."
Momus: "You know, historically it was perfectly acceptable for four men to share a flat and shave each other's testicles. The socio-economic revolution that resulted in everyone and their balls needing a flat was seen beneficial to most, but it had it's downsides, for example the death of homosocial rituals such as communal pubic hair removal..."

Kenan: "Fuck's sake, I'm eating here!"

I'm sorry, but this is the funniest thing I've read on ILX in a million years. I hope it was excelsiored over and over and over.

― Disciplining And Controlling My Mind (kate), Monday, 16 January 2006 11:55 (twenty years ago)

My apologies to Martin, Momus and Kenan, once the ball was thrown into the air I couldn't resist.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 16 January 2006 12:06 (twenty years ago)

i've been wanting to get married lately. too bad i dont even have a boyfriend! maybe someday. anyway, it sounds fun to me.

― POOP BITCH (Mandee), Monday, 16 January 2006 14:56 (twenty years ago)

One of my fictional characters just got married recently, so I had to do a think and be all "hrmmm, what would it be like to actually be married?" And for about 3 or 4 minutes, it actually seemed like it would be a nice, cosy sort of thing.

And then I put the bottle of sherry away and came to my senses.

― Disciplining And Controlling My Mind (kate), Monday, 16 January 2006 14:58 (twenty years ago)

One of your fictional characters??? Is this like a personality?

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Monday, 16 January 2006 15:31 (twenty years ago)

No, it's one of the characters in a piece of fiction that I am, ha-HEM, writing.

― Disciplining And Controlling My Mind (kate), Monday, 16 January 2006 15:31 (twenty years ago)

Mandee, will you be my Internet bride? ;)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 16 January 2006 16:43 (twenty years ago)

Having just reread the golden-boys passage above, I find the ;) in the post above to be kind of creepy.

(but yeah, that passage was excelsiored, certainly!)

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Monday, 16 January 2006 16:50 (twenty years ago)

Why's that?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 16 January 2006 20:29 (twenty years ago)

I love this thread.

I said this to someone, once, about five years not twenty - I still remember the wall we were sitting on and the red of the car lamps. I don't mean it anymore, though.

― Gravel Puzzleworth (Gregory Henry), Monday, 16 January 2006 21:16 (twenty years ago)

That was the first time I proposed online, and I actually got an answer! :)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 17 January 2006 14:44 (twenty years ago)

Ah, I'm sorry Mandee, I didn't meant to imply proposing is something I'd do on regular basis.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 17 January 2006 14:47 (twenty years ago)

I said this to someone about ten years ago. She's since got married.

― Stone Monkey (Stone Monkey), Tuesday, 17 January 2006 16:18 (twenty years ago)

Not with you, I presume?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 19 January 2006 06:10 (twenty years ago)

better option:

"If neither of us is married in 20 years, let's get stoned."

― msp (mspa), Thursday, 19 January 2006 07:48 (twenty years ago)

Does this explain the Cronkite thing?

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Thursday, 19 January 2006 08:27 (twenty years ago)

i'd totally have a marriage pact with someone, but only if we would get divorced the next day.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 19 January 2006 13:14 (twenty years ago)

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