Peculiar little bits of wisdom that you heard once and stuck with you..

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.. so firmly that they became unquestioned life rules until one day you turn around, get all conscious of it and think "Hang on - why am I still adhering to this - perhaps it's time to shake things up a little and break free of what a wizened old man muttered to me in a café in 1988."

I have dozens of these, though they are so ingrained that it might take a while for me to flush them all out.

For starters : At school, Geraldine said that men wearing jeans without a belt was yeach. Since then, I've always worn a belt.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Hmmm. Geraldine was wrong...

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I think she was reacting to the antics of Henry out of Neighbours.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Avoid debt.

― Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Although it's not really something I've lived by, there's a line in 'Miller's Crossing' about shaving with a cold blade being better because cold metal contracts and is therefore better at shaving. Five years since I saw this before Saturday, and yet I'd peobably remembered this a few times a week.

― ENRQ (Enrique), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Avoid debt - yeah, me too. And now the cunts tell me that debt (sorry, credit) is in fact the lifeblood of our economy and all my friends have got things I haven't .

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

ENRQ OTM about the cold water thing: it's the first line in the film if I remember correctly.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I remember my English teacher would fling in gems of wisdom, spoken at a very high speed and as little asides to whatever we were doing. I think one day he was talking about Brian Keenan's An Evil Cradling and at the end of such a speech he said something like "of course if you see people as below you in this way it's only natural you'll see people as above you". He said more but I forget, I often think of it though.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:55 (twenty-two years ago)

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"

At school my father was a big girly swot. One day he overheard a couple of teachers talking about him and one of them mentioned the above saying. He immediately burnt all his books and became a big drunken coke addict.

Oddly enough, I too was a big girly swot until my dad told me the story above.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Andrew -- nah, it's somewhere in the middle, but it is Jon Polito who says it, and it's his monologue that starts the film (about 'friendship, character, ethics... If you can't trust a fix, what can you trust...?')

― ENRQ (Enrique), Monday, 16 February 2004 14:57 (twenty-two years ago)

My dad, "Ballsofsteele Bazza", he told me: "If some fucker squares up to you never back down. Kick him between the legs because they all fall the same way and once he's on the ground don't stop kicking him until you're sure the damage is done".

He was right too. World lesson right there from my old man. He was working class and worked down the mines and didn't like no men touching him either.

― Nutty Nigel (Nutty Nigel), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Except his mate, "Bruiser Brian". Sometimes they'd get naked and go for a swim together but it was cos they were both married and no one would ever think of them as nothing but mates, in which case that's alright you know what I mean? If your mate and you're married then it's alright if you swim naked together.

― Nutty Nigel (Nutty Nigel), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:27 (twenty-two years ago)

the slicing garlic so thin it liquifies thing in Goodfellas.

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:29 (twenty-two years ago)

#2: That masturbation oppresses women. ( "W is for wanking," without further explanation, in an A-Z of male oppression in some newspaper I read when I was about 16).

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:42 (twenty-two years ago)

haha

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

- Denim on Denim = always a mistake
- The shoes must match the belt

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

- Beer then liquor, never sicker. Liquor then beer, never fear!
- When you're pouring beer, tilt the cup.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Double deniming is so manifestly wrong that it shouldn't require telling.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

- black under white (i.e. a black t-shirt under, say, a white oxford) makes you look like a giant, dickish Oreo.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Whoa, that post even doubles as a scathing indictment of Carlton Banks!

― Le Coq, Monday, 16 February 2004 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

- When you're pouring beer, tilt the cup.

This is more of an unquestionable practical rule than the kind of arguable wisdom that I'm talking about. Or have you now started experimenting with the joy of froth?

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Battlestar Galactica is fine as it is. It doesn't need to be remade with Starbuck as a girl.

― MikeyG (MikeyG), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Hahahahahaha

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I've always remembered a strange little nugget from breakfast TV where someone said that if your toilet roll perforations aren't lining up on both ply, take the top sheet of ply and turn it over the roll once. The perforations will now line up. It works!

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 16 February 2004 15:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I remember that info, but from some other source. It works.

― ENRQ (Enrique), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is not for top tips!

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:01 (twenty-two years ago)

When I arrived in Italy for a 9-month stay, my taxi driver from the airport told me that when you make a tomato sauce for your pasta, you use either onions or garlic, never both. Lots of Italians subsequently told me this was bollocks, but I still adhered to the rule for a couple of years before seeing the light.

― Madchen (Madchen), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:01 (twenty-two years ago)

- Never wear socks with sandals.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

hmm

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Beer before wine, you'll be fine
Other combinations? Defenestration

― MikeyG (MikeyG), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:05 (twenty-two years ago)

my mother once became nearly hysterical because i opened the microwave before letting it stop and beep four times - apparently, according to her, this causes MASSIVE RADIATION.

i now allow the microwave to beep completely. or, if i must turn it off in the middle, patiently count out a few seconds before opening the door.

― j c (j c), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:06 (twenty-two years ago)

B-b-but the toilet roll thing IS the wisest thing I've ever been told!

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:06 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is not for top tips!

Yeah, this isn't Why Don't bloody You!

― Ste (Fuzzy), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Archel OTM -- don't you want to learn?

― ENRQ (Enrique), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

always spit in the frying pan/griddle pan when cooking something and if the spit doesn't sizzle it's not hot enough-my mum.

This is peculiar I know, I don't do a huge gob into it or anything.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:08 (twenty-two years ago)

do you have taps in your kitchen?

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:09 (twenty-two years ago)

- Don't put silverware in the microwave.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

????

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't put *any* metal in the microwave. Seriously. Don't.

― ENRQ (Enrique), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, they're an inconvenient 4 feet from the cooker.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:11 (twenty-two years ago)

No pets either.

― MikeyG (MikeyG), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:11 (twenty-two years ago)

- Don't feed chocolate to a dog. It'll kill them.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:15 (twenty-two years ago)

!!!
pour white wine on red wine stains

― ENRQ (Enrique), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Bier nach Wein, das laß sein! Wein nach Bier, das rat' ich dir.

― Paul Eater (eater), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:21 (twenty-two years ago)

When I was a young lad, I had this job doing landscaping - mostly interlocking bricks on driveways. I was working with these 2 guys on my team. One guy never spoke (he was Indian and his English wasn't good). One day, I got some dirt on the bricks, and did a quick sweep, since I knew that it was bad (weeds growing between the cracks, ya know). The quiet guy looked rather disappointed at my clean-up effort, so I said something to the effect of: "Don't worry, probably only a tiny bit of dirt between the bricks". He paused, looked me in the eye intensely and said these words:

"Where there is dirt, there is LIFE."

And he left it at that, never to speak to me again. For some reason that has stayed with me ever since.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha....that's a great anecdote.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:24 (twenty-two years ago)

My da' once told me, "Don't eat anything that bastard Ronan cooks, he gobs into the fekkin' pan!"

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:33 (twenty-two years ago)

- For every one cockroach you see in your apartment, there are about 100 you don't. But they're there.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Things my parents told me growing up:

Always wear sneakers on a first date, in case you have to run.

Only marry for money, never love.

Always carry a identification when you go out, to make it easier to identify the body.

― Carey (Carey), Monday, 16 February 2004 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

i actually only follow 1 of those things though.

― Carey (Carey), Monday, 16 February 2004 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 5 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

- if you put a dog in a room empty of everything with infinite food it will eat and eat till it dies.

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 16 February 2004 19:22 (twenty-two years ago)

- 800 peas fit inside a cabbage.

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 16 February 2004 19:23 (twenty-two years ago)

If your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer

― ferg (Ferg), Monday, 16 February 2004 19:24 (twenty-two years ago)

although that one's not exactly blighted my post-school existence

― ferg (Ferg), Monday, 16 February 2004 19:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Many a man is walking the embankment for failing to lead his trumps.

― isadora (isadora), Monday, 16 February 2004 20:14 (twenty-two years ago)

In space, no one can hear you scream!

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 16 February 2004 20:14 (twenty-two years ago)

In English, any combination of a present particple followed by 'the' plus a singular noun sounds like a euphemism for wanking. With very few exceptions.

If you put water in someone's ear while they're asleep, they piss themselves (never tested this).

If you open a packets of crisps upside down, you are gay or will die horribly or something bad happens, I can't remember. There's some kind of stigma attached to it anyway.

Also, when I was working on the till in Oxfam, a mean old woman told me off for not putting all the notes facing the same way with the queen's head at the top. I don't know what the wisdom of that's supposed to be.

― Cathy (Cathy), Monday, 16 February 2004 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

maybe it's disrespectful to the Queen?

― isadora (isadora), Monday, 16 February 2004 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Never, ever feed a mogwai after midnight.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Monday, 16 February 2004 21:11 (twenty-two years ago)

or listen to their albs

― Andrew L (Andrew L), Monday, 16 February 2004 21:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Never, ever feed a mogwai after midnight.

hahahahahahahahaha

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 01:52 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.an-irrational-domain.net/images/jaz/jaz88dontlisten.JPG

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 01:53 (twenty-two years ago)

"30 days are September, April, June, and November. All the rest are 31, except for February alone." My grandma's adaptation of the old saying. I have never forgotten it since then.

"If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, your day will be unlucky." Told to me by my parents when I was little. To this day I will only ever get out of bed on the same side every morning, no matter what. (Superstition instead of wisdom, sure.)

"Always make sure to keep the checkbook balanced, to write down every single doctor's appointment on the calendar, and to save every single important receipt you get." Mom's advice to me since ca. 1990.

― Mellow Dee (Dee the Lurker), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 02:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I guess I didn't explain what I was asking for very well.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 11:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Be careful what you wish for...

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 11:44 (twenty-two years ago)

"If you have itchy palms, rub them against wood and it brings good luck." - I got obsessed with this and had to force myself to stop going up to trees and touching them.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:29 (twenty-two years ago)

To stop a dog from humping your leg, pick it up and suck its cock.

― ENRQ (Enrique), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

- the geography of the UK can be understood by remembering it looks like a man riding a pig.

- the same goes for Ireland but with a Scottish Terrier (and no man).

― cozen (Cozen), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

If last night's pull turns out to be a stocky lass, drink her back to prettiness.

― MikeyG (MikeyG), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I hate you all.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Remember this rhyme for the colours of the rainbow: Richard Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Vain.

― MikeyG (MikeyG), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:41 (twenty-two years ago)

in one year the weight of cheese consumed by america is equal to that of the moon

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Violence makes the heart grow fonder

― MikeyG (MikeyG), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 12:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Jeez Nick.

If you cut yourself on fluorescent light tubes, the cut will never heal.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 13:47 (twenty-two years ago)

".. careful now, that swan could break yer arm.."

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 13:56 (twenty-two years ago)

"In this fashion era there are no guarentees" on the wall of a shoe shop in delhi.

― Guy Incognito, Tuesday, 17 February 2004 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

the geography of the UK can be understood by remembering it looks like a man riding a pig.
- the same goes for Ireland but with a Scottish Terrier (and no man).

I once read from Mad Magazine that the map of the USA resembles an armadillo lying on it's back, with Florida being it's ear and Maine being the tip of it's nose. Whenever I look at the US map, I can't stop myself seeing an armadillo.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 17 February 2004 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

Keep a diary and a diary keeps you.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:45 (twenty years ago)

if you turn backwards to look at the bottom of your foot, you're gay.

this thread is awesome :)

― AaronK (AaronK), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:58 (twenty years ago)

whoa i love the one about the fluorescent light!!

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Monday, 18 July 2005 23:04 (twenty years ago)

My grandfather said to me once, "If you've got one boy, you've got a boy, two boys...you've got half a boy and three boys, well you've got no boys at all".

I think thats pretty true.

― In the springtime of the year / Kate (papa november), Monday, 18 July 2005 23:08 (twenty years ago)

if 'true' means 'makes no sense,' then yes.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 18 July 2005 23:20 (twenty years ago)

I believe he is referring to young boys potential to act like a bunch of fuckheads when they get together.

― In the springtime of the year / Kate (papa november), Monday, 18 July 2005 23:28 (twenty years ago)

Never settle.

― mei (mei), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 12:13 (twenty years ago)

As in "keep moving" or "don't compromise"?

― Alba (Alba), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 12:20 (twenty years ago)

Only whores wear red shoes.

Read it, or heard it in a film somewhere and can't let my other half buy a pair now.

― Murray Steele (h-lame), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 12:46 (twenty years ago)

In Italy, only whores and women in mourning wear black underwear (would quite like to know if this is true).

Also, only men in mourning wear black shoes. I don't even think male prostitutes are allowed to wear them.

― Alba (Alba), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 12:52 (twenty years ago)

It's the black socks you have to worry about. Calvin Coolidge's son DIED because of playing tennis in dark socks. The dye got into a small cut, the foot went septic, etc.

These are a few gems of my mother's (who neglected to warn be about dark socks so it's a miracle I'm here):

Never complain, never explain

When you find a bad worm in the garden you can just squash it between your fingers because the dirt on your hands is like a glove

The desire for a large wedding is a sure sign of a personality defect

I've eloped twice, squash worms left and right, but complain nonstop. Two out of three...

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:00 (twenty years ago)

"We have the right to choose our own form of suffering."

― Truckdrivin' Buddha (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:03 (twenty years ago)

I love red shoes!

My life has been remarkably free of bits of wisdom, unfortunately.

― Leon C. (Ex Leon), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:04 (twenty years ago)

Only whores wear red shoes.
Read it, or heard it in a film somewhere and can't let my other half buy a pair now.

Carson on Queer Eye once quoted his mom as saying that only children and whores wear red shoes.

― sgs (sgs), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:05 (twenty years ago)

THE QUAIL IS THE YOUNG VIRGIN
THE DUCK IS THE MATURE WOMAN

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:23 (twenty years ago)

I was told that you shouldn't have hot baths during your period. Somehow I went through my teenage years thinking my insides would fall out or something if I did.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:32 (twenty years ago)

When You Carry A Hammer, Everything Looks Like A Nail

― mzui (mzui), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:35 (twenty years ago)

Girls who are boys who like boys to be girls who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys, always should be someone you really love

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

"Check out the mother"

― Tigerstyle Shamanic Vision Quester (sexyDancer), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 18:56 (twenty years ago)

"Only eat in a crowded restaurants"

― Tigerstyle Shamanic Vision Quester (sexyDancer), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 18:57 (twenty years ago)

Hey, hey, hey, smoke weed everyday.

Happy Summertime bitches!

― Jimmy Mod Is Sick of Being The Best At Everything (ModJ), Tuesday, 19 July 2005 20:16 (twenty years ago)

"Never put salt in your eyes."

― The Yellow Kid, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 04:40 (twenty years ago)

"Most people aren't worth knowing"

― arrghh, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 04:50 (twenty years ago)

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