TS: Deliberately meeting up with my ex for the first time in 6 months before going to the wedding we're both going to be at this weekend Vs. being all casual and just seeing her there

It might clear the air & get the awkwardness outta the way, leaving you to be guilt free at your friend's wedding!

Trouble is, I'm not really sure I want to clear the air cos I got dumped in a really crappy way.

Well it's better to have those feelings hit you when it's just the two of you, rather than in a room full of ppl!

If it clears the air fine.

If it ends up muddying the air, no.

I guess the problem is that I don't want to be like everything is ok between us (cos it's not - I am still reall angry and it's only been in the last couple of weeks that my life has got back on track) and I also want to be like everything is AOK and all aloof and suchlike. This seems somewhat contradictory to me.

xpost

Mark - Cheers.

do you have to interact much at the wedding? seems like what you're saying is that you want to play it cool and have everything tolerable, without being over friendly and fake, is that right?

if that's the case, i don't see any reason why you'd have to get into anything with her at the wedding. be polite, say hello, make a little small talk, and just subtly avoid her for the rest of it. that isn't rude, and you don't have to meet up and try to clear the air if that isn't what you want to do...

do you have to interact much at the wedding? - I don't know. I doubt it. I'm not sure how many people are going to be there. Quite a few I believe. Should be enough to dilute things enough to make it ok I guess.

seems like what you're saying is that you want to play it cool and have everything tolerable, without being over friendly and fake, is that right? - I actually want to totally rage at her cos I didn't do so at the time when it would have been totally justified.

What I want is to be able to go to the wedding as a celebration of my friend getting married and not be thinking about anything else.

My mum and dad were 'together' when I got married. They did not go through their own break-up, and did not really 'cross words' until just as my dad went to leave.

Actually, the last picture (probably ever) of them together was when all the guests got together for an informal picture in our bedroom at the hotel the next day, both genuinely smiling (but not sat together naturally).

Basically, what I think I mean is.. Keep it for another day. Have a good time for your friends.

Yeah, maybe I am just conflating a bunch of stuff that I should just put to one side for a day. I think what I'm most scared of is finding out that all the anger isn't enough to cover up the fact that I do still have feelings for her.

Be the big man and don't worry about giving her the satisfaction of thinking you're OK. She'll probably guess anyway. Just be as normal as you can be.

(I am guessing that part of the reason you want to not be OK too her is to show that you still want her in the vague hope that this will win her back. It won't.)

aw, that sucks. the problem is that if you meet her and rage at her or whatever, there's probably little chance that it'll be settled by the wedding.

i'd suggest politely ignoring her at the wedding, and if you want to see her to yell at her, do it at a later date.

but if you might still like like her, maybe best to not have emotional conversations at all for a little while.

Leave it be. All that stuff is a mugs game, dont be this way, dont be that way. dont deliberately meet up with her, just be fine with her, not to 'show' her anything, but for yourself. if you show her you are still angry its putting you in the inferior position, she isnt going to respect you that way, if you are all the big man, you're still defining yourself in relation to her, and you'll only fluff it anyway, most likely. dont pretend you are living a great life, go and live one anyway, for yourself.

but then, you know, i probably wouldnt go to a wedding anyway

Exactly (except the not going to a wedding bit)

But weddings rule!

Despite still having feelings for her there's no way I could ever get back together. No way whatsoever, just cos of the way we broke up. My friends would never let me anyway.

I don't have to worry about having emotional conversations at a later date cos there probably won't be a later date. We've had virtually no contact for the last 6 months and I don't see that changing over the next 6.

I'm tending towards not meeting up with her and then just making sure I limit my contact with her at the wedding etc, that I don't drink too much and that I don't say anything stoopid.

xpost

I would do that, don't bother meeting up, nod hello to her at the wedding, ignore her for the rest of the time.

that's the one.

Ok good. I think I'm a bit more settled about this. All I need to do now is figure out a way of getting out of the arrangement I've made with her already without looking like as much of a dick as I look here for not telling you all that I had already arranged to meet her. Sorry. I was kind of hoping for validation of my decision. Note to self - think, THEN discuss, then act.

Aaah. No. That's different.

You have to go through with it. Sorry, but that's a fact.

Shite.

How about this? I've arranged to meet her at lunchtime on saturday cos my flight gets in at 11ish and the wedding doesn't kick off until 4. However, there is a chance that I can get a lift over on the Friday after I finish work. We won't arrive until maybe 8 or 9, maybe later, around the time of a big night before type party. Would it be acceptable to say that I'm arriving on the Friday night and that I will just see her there?

Yep!

Ok. Good. I think that would be best. Yes, that way I can get the whole seeing her thingy out of the way before the wedding and without having to meet up with her specially. Ok. Cool. Great.

You all rule BTW!

Definitely don't meet her the morning of the wedding. It'll be emotional for both of you, and if things don't go well you risk spoiling the memories of your friends wedding.

OK. Let's hope this lift works out.

Good luck dude!

Ta

;)

Oh, just arrive when you planned to and cancel, telling her you're getting a lift. If she dumped you, I don't think you have to tell her the truth about your transport plans if it would be awkward for you both if the truth were given. If you had to ask, lady...

Or alternately, be pithy: change of plans, see you there.

Oh yeah, definitely go with that!

If I do the latter (pithy) then it will be really obvious that I'm just avoiding meeting her after arranging to do so.

what you say in the former don't make no snese to me I'm afraid. I'm travelling to the city near where the wedding is (either by plane on sat or lift on fri) and both staying and travelling to the wedding with mutual friends of ours. She's already aware that I'm flying in on saturday morning and knows that I have nowt to do until the wedding at 4ish.

What I'm trying to say is that it'll be really hard for me to lie to her about my arrangements cos they are dependent upon the same group of people as hers are dependent on.

Just say you've changed your mind & you don't want to meet up & you'll just see her there. No excuses no lies.

Won't I look like a mentalist? Mark's opinion upthread was that "You have to go through with it. Sorry, but that's a fact."

But if you don't want to, why should you? You don't owe this girl anything. She dumped you in a horrible way, surely that should be sufficient not to make you keep any plans with her.

Good point. Yes, very good point.

You just like Mark's answer because you are a masochist.

Or you can just cancel the drink and not give a reason at all. You're forgetting the part about not owing her anything, including an explanation. Whatever, wedding activities always take up way more time than anyone ever thinks they will.

Indeed! Just break the meeting & say you'll see her at the wedding.

'Sorry I can't make it, I'll see you at the wedding.' Do you see?

i agree with p.p.-- you're under no obligation to make her feel comfortable with the situation. i think you should do it in a way that won't make you feel rude, but so you only see her in a big crowd. like you suggested, maybe just say 'look, i can't meet you for lunch, but it'll be nice to see you at the party/ceremony/reception' or whatever.

(xpost)

It depends what will be worse. If you think there's a serious possibility of one of you losing it, then just come clean, tell her you're not ready for it, and you'd appreciate it if she just acted naturally at the wedding. Have you asked the advice of any of the mutual friends?

Whatever you do it's going to be akward and very uncomfortable. It may well be better in the long run to be honest now, so that she knows how you feel before she sees you at the wedding.

xxxx-post - you don't owe her anything, but I think you'd be better not pissing her off, as you could end up with her being confrontational at the the wedding.

Would she be confrontational? Does she have anything she might want to say?

Possibly, probably. I don't know. If she does, I don't want to hear it.

Yes. All good and valuable points. All will be academic if the lift works out. If it doesn't I think I'll just have to say that I don't want to meet her.

No one has ever called me a masochist before.

This happened to me this summer, Mr. Hmmm. I was a bridesmaid, standing in front of the congregation, when I scanned the crowd and saw her face. It wasn't easy. It's a wedding, so she was all dressed up and looking smashing. Hadn't seen her in over two years. Weird. We talked and got on fine, but it was definitely a disarming feeling to look into her eyes and have her be looking right back, ya know? And after a week of digesting the experience, I forgot all about it. Haven't seen her since.

Torturing self over what an ex will think/do and trying to spurn advice saying 'don't go there' for no good reason does point to Lord Sacher-Masoch most deffo, though

However an edict like 'act naturally' from an ex would probably send any sane woman into paroxysms of rage (men like to try this one out in a broad endorsement of societal favourite 'men sane - women emotional'). I mean, it's a great power move if you can pull it off and would probably be if said to the dumpee in this former relationship. But she's not the dumpee so you'd just look like a frontin' ridiculous fool.

Stick to a straight cancellation, do not rope any other friends in, do not create an alibi, do not confess that you are Mr. Jello Legs. You will thank yourself later.

The thing is that I really want to be over this relationship so that I can just get on with things. I'm almost there and I guess the final stage is going to be seeing her somewhere and it being ok, at least ok later. I suppose it's good that I know that it's going to happen and that there's virtually no chance of it happening randomly as we stay in different cities. It's hard though.

xpost - "point to Lord Sacher-Masoch most deffo, though" - yeah, 'spose. Bummer.

OK I think I'm settled - if lift works out everything is cool. If not, cancel meeting, nae muckin aboot.

It is hard, but each little trial that you get past will help the process.

It's just an awful lot all of a sudden. Bloody emotions.

Awww! You'll be cool!

I will certainly look cool. Just got a new suit and a haircut.