Weigh In: What do I do about a purging roommate?

Erm, what about "you're stealing our stuff, we want you to move out"? Failing that, just start poisoning random footstuffs around the kitchen and make sure everyone else knows not to touch them.

Sounds like a case of Bulimia Nervosa to me.

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-et02.html

It's the fact that she is destroying her health and not admitting to the theft of food that is really concerning us. We've all been poor and there's times that 12 days of Ramen soup is all we could afford, so we don't want to pitch her out if she's been starving until she receives her first check.

It's the underhanded secret theft of the food, and the bizarre nature of what's stolen that has us concerned, worried and mad.

I guess I also want to know: do we call her family? Do we let them know what Sara is doing to herself? If she was younger, I'd ignore it, but the fact that she's 2 years shy of 30 says that this is a long term disease and she might need help.

Eating disorders are mental conditions. You just have to decide to make this your problem or ask her to move out. Sometimes the 'selfish' route is the sensible one. There may be very little that you can afford to do for her.

Also: eating disorders don't necessarily start when you're 16, they can be triggered off at thirty, forty, fifty odd if you're that way inclined.

1) Do we confront her?
2) Will she acknowledge it or lie?
3) Do we tell her family, which loves her deeply, so she says?

More background: when Sara interviewed with us, she was looking to leave her previous roomates, which she said were "good friends that turned against her." They were both male, and what she said, "we're no longer on speaking terms and things have gotten ugly."

I feel that if we just pitch her out, she'll keep jumping from roommate to roommate situation, getting more stressed out and ultimately hurting her even more.

Now, is she bought her OWN food and threw it up, and CLEANED UP after herself, I guess that would be equivelant to someone binge drinking, and we'd leave her alone to her own demons. But, it's the fact of the lieing about stealing the food, the absurd nature of the thefts (WHO eats brown sugar by the pound?!) and the messy loo that has us concerned.

There's an ad on American TV that shows a woman standing on a dock of a lake, watching her female friend drown and not doing anything about it. It's an Ant-drug campaign; we feel like that. If we pitch her out, she'll keep drowning and we'll feel guilty; if we lock up our food then WE'RE impacted.

God, this is so hard!

Otherwise literally keep no food in the house. Psychologically the fact that she has been relatively sloppy (esp re the cleaning) may suggest that at some level she wants someone to find out, but how you handle the actual confrontation is much harder. Be prepared to fuck it up is basically what I'm saying. But can you make it any worse?

Mind you, that much peanut butter, it is quite possible that all this food is stuck to the roof of her mouth.

To one and all who have responded to this: thanks so much for sharing your experience and help! :)

Anyway, put little balls of foil in your leftover burrito and hear her howl! Aw, I'm chuckling already.

As for her bulimia, if it were my choice, I'd confront her about it, too, but use a different tone than with the food theft. I would simply indicate that you all know about it. Let her know that she has not succeeded in hiding it. That it explains why she stole the food and what she did with it. And you have concluded that unless she admits to it and seeks help there is no question in your minds that she will steal food again. So, unless she wants to be thrown out on her ass TODAY, she had better come clean RIGHT NOW, GET HELP AND NEVER STEAL FOOD AGAIN.

If she denies it, say "Fine; we know you're a thief; that's enough for us; here's your money back; you're history" and start carrying her things out the front door. Be absolutely ruthless. Don't blink. Don't flinch. Don't hesitate. If she continues to deny it, YOU MUST KICK HER OUT.

Severity is the only way through the denials. DO NOT GIVE HER AN INCH. This is for your own good. You don't want to live with a sneak thief. God knows you don't. And you shouldn't put up with it. Also, letting her off the hook is what's called 'enabling'. Slamming her upside the head with her own behavior is, sadly, what she needs you to do, for her own sake.

Even if she admits it all and promises to change, you're in for a bad time. Because you'll have to monitor her, police her, and play the bad cop again and again until she really, truly changes. I don't envy you if she stays. But it could make the decisive difference in her life, if she does get help from you over this.

Just my two cents. (Of course, new posts showed up as I wrote this.)

Yes, people can eat massive amounts of strange things. I'd buy those big canisters of raisins to put in my oatmeal. One day I'd have a huge unopened canister of raisins that would have lasted me half the year at least--the next day it would be gone. I would say something and she would apologize and say she wouldn't eat my food again. And then she would. Maybe, in retrospect, I should have locked up some of my food. I would imagine that her denial of her problem might have been harder to maintain if her roommates had gone to that much of a length to prevent her from binging on their food. Though that seems so extreme...hard to tell.

What mouse said actually makes some sense to me. You can't necessarily do much for her eating disorder. But if there's a way you can work out living together despite it, obv that would be best.

I only have experience with having a close friend with bulimia; I hope that you can get good advice from people who know the disease through experience or profession.

Andy, you're not at all funny.

I had two alcoholic parents and married an alcoholic so I know ALL about 'enabling', which is why I'm so concerned about doing the RIGHT thing here, even if it means "Tough Love." It took me 6 years of therapy to break the cycle. Part of what makes me so mad, is that I've cleaned out destructive/bad relationships in my personal life, and yet, each night I now get to come home and discover what ELSE has been stolen and eaten!

Both myself and my other roommate were out of town this weekend, leaving just Sara and the male roommate home alone. When we came back, he handed us a list of all the food that he saw disappear from all of our shelves during the 3 day weekend: it was staggering! And the thing is, NONE of us ever see her eat, so we don't know when this is happening.

Your suggestions, Aimless, were right on the mark; I guess that I needed to have someone else collaborate on my thoughts to see if they were 'healthy', which I now feel that they are.

Sadly, when I went to the National Eating Disorder website, I found out that next week is National Eating Disorder Week and THAT is when I'll be talking to Sara....sad irony! Also, the telephone hotline is useless: there is no one there, it's just a voice that points you to their site and to call 911 if you're having a problem.

On their official site, they do go into depth with confronting the person and it mirrors Aimless' suggestions. Thanks again, Jeanne Fury, for the links to the above.

I'm so upset by this; we interviewed 35 people over the phone and in person for our roommate and we had a CHOICE as to whom we picked. The fact that in less than one month's time we inherited this problem is discouraging. Also saddening, is how we have to inspect our food every day for theft, and, our Sweetie Bowl, which was a large ceramic bowl filled with candy for everyone, has been empty for the past week and none of us are caring to fill it for Sara! When we've cleaned, we've found fistfuls of wrappers stuck under the cushions; she doesn't even have the decency to throw them away. Same goes for the completely emptied cartons of food on the shelf: we go to get cereal, rice or peanut butter and find that the jar or box has been placed back EMPTY!

Question: When I plan to talk to her, do I still call her family (whom I've talked to before) or do I just shrug this off and say, "This isn't my problem."???

Sara doesn't touch "healthy" food: we have potatoes, onions, macaroni and cheese: these are all left alone. But, pure sugar, and drinking TWO cartons of whipping creme, along with the won ton wrappers is what has all of us asking, "What the fuck?"

I've never known a person with an eating disorder, which is why I came here. I figured that with all of the various people from across the globe, there would be some good insight and information.

Thanks to all of you for putting me at ease! None of us want to continue to come home to empty boxes and jars and bathrooms coated with stomach contents. The fact that Sara is such a nice person makes it doubly hard to confront. But, when we start to discuss locking up our food or measuring it, when we've all lived together for half a year in peace, that's when we realize that none of us want to be the Police and monitor her behaviour.

If her previous male roomies weren't talking to her at all, which she admitted, then I'm sure that this WAS the problem.

That's the only reason why I'd call.

"I don't want to eat your shitty grapes and rye bread, ok? I go to the store to buy food with money that I have earned. You should try doing that." Ok, bitching mode: off ... this food issue is a sore spot.

From experiences/stories from friends, it seems to be sweets and carbs that are more of a problem for some. (my friend has an ongoing battle with bagels--she can eat a whole package)

I really have no idea what to say in terms of advice. She clearly has an illness. Aimless makes a good point about enabling, but it's difficult to tell where to draw the line.

The problem of not calling them is that this is the best opportunity you have to take the pressure off yourselves and situate it back where it belongs, with the girl's family. The idea that she is personally responsible (adult, etc) does not rule out other people's responsibilities too. Her family will not want to be left in the dark.

From an ethical point of view - whether you should back off because you don't want to interfere in someone else's business, or whether you should get involved because you care - there is no ethical rule here. She is a stranger in your home and you are not obliged to like her, never mind help her. You may want to remind yourself of this at some later stage, if your attempt to help does not come off the way you hoped. Not being obliged to help does not mean that you are obliged not to help, though. If you choose to help, remember not to take on the roles of those who you think ought to be there - parent, sister, analyst, nurse, doctor, or whatever. Sometimes this means backing off despite the fact that you can see a need. You can only support her in the ways that you are capable of supporting her. Share the load as much as you can.

Finally, good luck but prepare yourself for disappointment.

This is also a classic bullimia symptom. She's ashamed about eating and does it in private and then throws it up so it doesn't count. I have a couple of friends with bullimia and it makes people secretive. I was surprised when I read she wasn't cleaning up, usually people go to great lengths to hide their actions. Maybe she does want you to notice?

Or just ask her on a regular basis if she's pregnant. I mean, we all love children. Oh, you're not? Wow, you've packed a few on, then. Jeeze, would the stairmaster kill you?

If you do confront this woman, be aware that things are likely not to work out well in the end. Good luck.

Ok this thread (and especially that last pic) has done it. I LOVE FAT. Fat is good fat is great I love fat on people please unless the doctors are shaking their heads at your chart just DON'T go on a diet ok please everyone just CHOW DOWN ok who gives a shit no offense to the naturally skinny but my god I don't think I can take the barrage of stringbeanage anymore help me
-- Anthony Miccio (anthonymicci...), February 19th, 2004.

Talking to the parents is a difficult one. As somebody who's been told about a close relative by the housemates (not bulimia, but a suicide attempt) I'm very, very glad they came to me.

I once stayed with a friend of mine and Nick's who was crazy as a bantam and also a bedtime bulimic. Stuff would go missing from the fridge overnight and our friend would say in the morning that she had been ill. She had a lot to be stressed about, but still.

Although quite frankly having been there myself, my irrational feelings would be to keep the hell out. I think I had a small confrontation once, which I completely denied. It was probably bad for me as I felt proud I managed to get away with it. There were no other confrontations and it's still hard to admit to myself and state what I went through, so do bear in mind I've no experience of how people who are surrounding this are going through.

I am posting with the caveat you are pretty sure she is an eatingdisorderist. Also - hey I'm proof it doesn't kill you!

Shit if I die right after posting this I'll be really ired.

The best solution for you is to kick her out, but if you want to help her I'd suggest making an appt with a doctor for her and going with her to see the doctor, rather then just telling her that you are concerned and want her to see a doctor.

I've printed out all the responses and shared them with my two other roommates, which has been a great help to us.

Thank you, All of You. Your responses brought us peace. I don't know yet when I'm going to talk to Sara, but, will post an update when I do.