Document your Football Career

Malahide United 1994-1998 (I think)

Position: Right-wing/up front/substitute (towards the end I quit cos of this part, never really recovered from glandular fever, or not quickly enough anyway)

Goals: 6
Gaffes: I remember one particularly well, we were short of players and I was playing at left-back, we played the offside trap which was really unusual for a young team, it used to drive oppositions mad, their managers would get told to "leave the public park" and red carded and things through frustration. Anyway if you weren't used to playing at the back it was hard to pick up, they trained with it alot. So a ball comes in and I'm completely keeping this guy onside, however the referee is standing in front of me and sees my three co-defenders come forward, he blows the whistle for offside.

On the left hand side of the pitch, their manager and dads association are going nuts and screaming as I quietly walk forward in line with the rest before he turns around.

Charvil FC 1981. 2 matches. No goals, one attempt/assist.

All hail me.

1979-1984 Stevenage Colts (Stevenage Minor League 5-a-side champions 1980 - our medals were presented to us by Luther Blissett).

1999-2000 Sinister FC (part of the team of biscuit-eating bedwetters who memorably trounced the NME side at the ATP 5-a-side tournament in 2000).

I am rubbish at football, but I once played in a park game against some German tourists - it was in 1996, we had a Euro96 defeat to avenge etc etc. I almost got beaten up for a comically bad slide tackle on a girl that left her writhing on the floor in pain, while the ball had gone up the other side of the pitch seconds earlier. I have never played since.

My first game as captain was a match against Ingatestone. We lost 16-0 and I broke a window in the changing room. It was my last game as captain.

1994; Teignmouth Community College First XI - two appearances, one assist, no goals. Gaffes? Tripped over the ball within seconds of coming on as a sub on my debut... Position = holding midfield.

2001-present; Timepiece (Nightclub) FC, Exeter & District Sunday League - 2 appearances, one as substitute striker and one as rightback (not my position!). Goals = 1. Gaffes = 0. I also made one appearance as a ringer for a team Timepiece FC were playing against - we lost 6-1 but I made the goal, playing just behind the strikers.

Casual 5-a-side with Timepiece FC, 2001-present = loads of 'games' and even more goals.

Casual 5-a-side with Exeter University Modern Languages Department, three weeks ago-present = three games, about a dozen goals, and two nasty knee injuries!

I am currently out injured, having 'popped' my cartilage again (search my name and the word 'knee' freom about a year ago for details) last Thursday, just after scoring a spectacular 10-yard volley (10 yards is a long way in 5-a-side!).

I'm much in demand to play upfront for both Timepiece FC and the Mod Lang team @ 11-a-side, but am lazy and busy and hate Sunday mornings...

G, do you remember playing the foreign students in Bournemouth? The ones who played barefoot and flicked the ball up and over their heads while running straight at you?

Our Lady and St Paul's 2nd Team 1983-5; I should have been in the 2nd team, as there was a rule that only 4th year Juniors were in the 1st team, unless you were dead good. However, our first team ran amok when playing another school and trashed the dressing room (aged 10! Bless!) and so were banned. We got the call.

We lost the Fox Cup Final, after being in top form all the wall. I was a jinky right-winger. I scored a diving header from the edge of the box into the top corner in the quarter-final, which no-one saw as it was foggy. Can't remember overall record.

Heywood Town Team, 1984-5
Right winger; handicapped by the fact that in our town team, there were 6 schools to draw on, whilst Oldham and Stockport had about 40. Our best result ever was to lose 2-0. Had medals presented by Brian Kidd.

St Joseph's RC High 1st team - 1985-88
Our games teacher was a Cricket fan, so never bothered to arrange matches; there was no school league because of LEA cutbacks (see? This is what Thatcher did to us in the comprehensive sector). I played about 5 games, and we usually lost.

Clarence Athletic - 1985-1987
Distinct phases.
Early season 1985-86. magic - my pomp. I was described as the best winger in the Bury and Radcliffe district league; the pinnacle of my career to date. I was unstoppable; I tormented one blond haired lad calle Lee who played for Greenmount; it was like Lee Sharpe against Mel Sterland in the 1991 League Cup Semi-Final legs.
Anyway, I was provider with my runs and dribbles and crosses, and scored 12 goals from the wing in 9 matches.
Then, disaster; I was dropped to make way for the other squad members. Like Chelsea, we had a rotation system as we had 20 lads who's dads brought them to matches, and the 9 who were always subs complained to their Dads, who complained to Keith, the manager. Keith identified a home-banker coming up, and dropped lots of us. My replacement bagged 4 goals and, so, said Keith, couldn't be dropped. Yet he dropped me. I think this because my dad was in Dubai at the time, so I had my mum, wheras my replacement has a Dad who was a big policeman and drove a big car, which was used to ferry lots of the lads to away games.

Anyway, I became a perennial sub, sob. I always came on wracked by nerves and wanted to impress too much. As puberty came somewhat later, I was always a little 'un and yet because I was 'stocky' was thought to be useful in midfield, in the same way that tall boys are thought to be good centre-backs. The fact that I was a jinky dribbler and a complete wimp when it came to tackling was neither here nor there. Anyway, after 3 years of traipsing around North Manchester as sub, I quit.

Pendle College, Lancaster University 2nd team
Half a game as emergency replacement. Wore Pony Linebackers on boggy pitch. Shores were white. Vomited during match through unfitness. Replaced mercifully at half-time.

I didn't play again until I was a postgrad, when I joined in kickabouts. I still had all the old magic dribbling skills, and a decent cross. I then formed a six-a-side team (Red Star Bailrigg) who still play, and I follow their fortunes on the interweb. I was striker, and was top scorer in the first year. IN year 2, our squad improved, and we signed Walter, a Business school postgrad who was from Nigeria, and he took my place. Realising that i smoked too much to be a box-to-box midfielder, and I was too much a wimp to be a defender, I decided to be a goalie, where I've stayed; I'm too small really for 11-a-side, but I reckon I'm a bloody great 5 or 6 a-side goalie. However, having stopped smoking, I think I might try upping my fitness and getting back to the maruading days of old. This is a bad idea, but anyway...

1988: Cliddesden County Primary School FC: Appearances 1, Goals 0.
We only ever played one game a year (against Preston Candover) and only the oldest year group got to play.

1988-1990 Brighton Hill Comunity School F.C: A handful of appearances playing at Left back. No Goals though

1991 Bottisham Village College F.C: Made the transition from defence to striker scoring two goals in two appearances both from less than a yard out, finished the season as top scorer!

1991-1994 Swaffham United F.C: A mate of mine told me that he had joined a club and they were looking for players. I turned up one Sunday morning to watch them and say them lose 20-0. The next week I was straight in he starting line up playing as a striker again, with me in the team the next game we improved and only lost ten nil! It took until January for me to get of the mark but I ended up as top scorer with 5 goals (I think??) The next few seasons saw the team improve and I think that I scored about thirty goals.

1998 Leeds Studend Radio F.C: One game at centre back against Leeds Student (newspaper) We lost, didn't score. The team only had the one fixture every year!

1999 to present The Dobblers F.C (www.dobblersfc.com): Played either on the right hand side of midfield or as a striker. I have probably scored about twenty goals to date.

Summer 2000: Sinister picnics, team - depended on the colour of top I wore.

Position: didn't really matter, as no-one passed the ball to me, unless they were desperate
Goals - none I don't think
Gaffes - managed to break my ankle turning, with no-one anywhere near to blame, curtailing my footballing for the rest of the season.

Summer 2003: Playing at a B&S kick around

Goals - I scored one!
Gaffes - Played dare with the opposition's goalie and neither of us backed down and both of us went down, don't think either of us won the ball.

Vic, you forgot the time when I took you out completely.

I can't remember years or anything. But -

Highfield Hall - Keeper used to do well, Pat Jennings style using my legs and feet more than my hands (still do in fact) until I had a mare one match and let in 4 by half time and was substituted due to being so annoyed.

Cubs 7 a side - won Chesterfield tournament - went to penalty shootout in final - I saved three of five (tipping one onto post) and scored the decisive one - This was my finest moment

Violets - second x1 keeper in first and second years - won more than we lost - mid table though and no better

Chesterfield boys - Second x1 central defence/midfield stopper - moved out of goal for a while and turned into the terminator, got sent off two games running at one point, usually marked the nippy forward of the opposition, and kicked him.

after that I haven't played that much organised footy at all, mostly kickabouts and a bit as a sweeper at college.

I forgot college. In both places I studied the people I lived with formed our five-a-side teams. At Bolton Institute we won two International competitions representing England. I was at my peak; combining the cunning of a gypsy with the guile of an old shepherd.

1994 - We've Got An En-Suite Bathroom United - ill-advised last-minute goalkeeping appearance. Saved a corner by bouncing the ball to safety off my face (I mean that literally, not inebriated)

1994-6 - AC Salsiccia 5-a-side team. We lost one game 7-9. That was as good as it got.

1995 - St Catharine's College Cambridge MCR - left back, which is precisely what I should have been, according to the old joke.

1998-9 - HIT 3ntertainment works team - libero, ribs broken by mad opposition defender. Said defender manages to break his leg later in the game - and before you all start muttering "Barry" under your breaths, I'd been substituted 20 minutes earlier.

1999, 2002 - Sinister FC's triumphant Bowlie 5-a-side captain (de facto captain, anyway, as I was the bossiest). Only scored once but undefeated in 8 games - only loss was in the '99 final on penalties to the then-obscure Camera Obscura team.

2002 - Sinister FC vs ILE - scored 2 in 7-0 whitewash over the finest footballing brains ILX had to offer.

2002-3 - BMG works team, park football every Wednesday during lengthy unemployment. Left back almost without exception, but playing every week has made me rather a better player. Still one of the worst on the pitch, though. Goals every now and then, and ribs broken again in ill-advised shoulder-barge contest with man-mountain centre-back.

God I want to play football again.

I do too, but not against you

Nothing very serious. School 1st team at a public school that really cared much more about hockey, cricket and rugby. Played left back, generally. Badly asthmatic but surprisingly fit, skilled but not big or strong. School years and after played wherever and whenever I could, when I wasn't too ill. Only goalscoring success I can remember was for my local village team when I was about 16 or 17. They shoved me up front because that was where the regular was missing, and I got two goals, both from corners - the first was half cleared to the edge of the box, and I smashed a volley into the top corner (I'd had a crack at such things in plenty of other games, so there was a big fluke element here), and the second came to my feet not too far out at the far post, and I beat two players before slotting it in the corner. I don't remember ever scoring for the school, probably because I was never fit enough to charge into attack and still do my defensive job.

Played in a 5-a-side work team in the late '80s, nothing very organised and we were a bit rubbish. I mostly played in goal due to my low fitness levels. Just a couple of kickabouts since then.

Played Rugby at school, but have played both ever since.

Footy

1980-83 : Univ intra-univ league teams and hall team. (Goalie or striker)

1983-85 : Not much

1985-89 : King's Coll.London : various teams incl. S.London 5 a side league, Kings Lower XIs, Kings College Chemists - unbeaten for 3 yrs in the departmental league. (Goalie mainly)

1989-99 : Work team in local league. Switched from goal to target man or 'in the hole'. Best season 13 goals from 25 appearances. Team folded in 99. Also in same period played 5-a-side in various teams (back in goal mainly) including an appearence at Highbury in the finals of the Engineering News Cup! (We had no engineers in our team, but a couple of journalists and an actor!) Also played 5-a-side with Ray Davies of the Kinks during this time!!

00-03 : Nothing serious. A few five a sides, on the ILX team for the 0-7 thrashing by Sinistah! (I thought we did OK apart from the first 10 minutes and the last 10 minutes!)
Still mad for a game at 42!

Rugby :

1970s : School 1st XV at lock
1980-83 : Univ lower XVs at lock and flanker
1985 to present : Various occies and old boys teams - too many to name. Have played lock, flank, no.8, both centres, wing and full-back. Have moved out of the pack and now play centre, full-back or wing. Am now a 'veteran'. Last game last Sunday.

Not sure if I'm allowed on here but I loved playing football so I'll say anyway.
I played for my school teams for a few years usually as a midfielder on either side of the field or striker. I was good striking with both feet so it didn't matter where I played too much. Not sure of how many goals but I think I was on about a goal a game pace. Not a great defender. Tried to play goalie a few times because I was tall and could leap but I was too slow. As far as more serious league play was concerned I never participated as I played baseball instead even though I didn't really like it as much as football. Been giving consideration to finding a rec league team to play with.

I love how Barry thinks he is the captain of all the teams he plays in :)

1991-1996 (various) - Glasgow University WFC. Top scorer in inter-hall women's competition, and unused sub for men's team once (they were desperate).

1999 - cheerleading vice-captain with Starry at Bowlie. "ooh, ah, sinis-tah!". Famous for suggesting that Ally C "might be quite good, you should give him a game".

Stevie, I tend to take charge whether people want me to or not!

Dr C, my best mate plays for London Welsh Occies - have you ever played against/for them?

1979-1981 BG Cosmos. Center midfield, but everyone had a free role it seemed like. We won a lot of games against sorry teams in the heady days of the NASL, when it seemed like every kid quit little league and flag football for soccer and skateboards.

1982-1983 A year as a lineman in Ohio, as the new league formed there somehow didn't cover my age group.

1983-1984 Greenwood Rowdies. Swashbuckling right back. Several goals, one red card, many losses.

1984-1986 High school soccer in Kentucky. Defensive midfield. Knee troubles slowed my career and potsmoking and a move to Nashville (you had to sit out a year if you transfered!) finished it.

1989-present A good deal of pick-up soccer in various parks and recreation fields in Boston and New York.

Special honors: Sweeper for the 1999 Sinister team that finished Bowlie runners-up. Forward for two-time (2000 and 2001) Metro-stars supporters charity tournament winners.

Amazing moment: played center midfield for team of local drunks laughably representing the USA in a 1999 one-off United Nations-sponsored tournament in Queens in which we were pitted against a Paraguayan side that unbelievably included J. C. Romero-- the 1985 South American player of the year, and two-goal scorer in Mexico 86. Incredibly, Romero was in the Paraguay squad at France 98, just fourteen months before he kicked our asses at Flushing Meadows (we lost 8-0, and the highlight was winning a corner kick.)

Give the word and I will put together a game for folks's upcoming April visit to NYC.

I, for one, am hoping that The Pinefox summarises his footie career for us. Some stealthy & cunning moves were on display when I saw him play.