In This Thread, We Pitch Biblical/Religious Stories to Modern Moviegoers

does this count?

"Jesus, you my BLOOD, dawg!"
"Judas, step the fuck off!"

Bai rin she zheh yang zhe kai che.

okay, got it.

thanks.

For a moment I thought you meant Will Ferrell. And, lo, it was good.

Best idea in years!

OK maybe thats a bit obvious....

An Olsen Twins vehicle.

Jesus: Dude, I don't wanna be the goddam messiah! Can't you guys just FUCK OFF?
the People: Oh Divine One, how shall we fuck off?

[Screen completely black.]
VO: "...so anyhow...I was surrounded..."
[Fade In]
Sitting at the lunch counter of a dingy roadside diner are three men. The one on the far left is bald and dressed like a 'Shaolin Monk'. The one in the middle is clean shaven and dressed like a 'Hindu Prince'. The one on the far right is a bearded, longhaired hippie dressed in a white robe.
VO [Hindu Pruice]: "...luckily I had my trusty vimana..."
'Shaolin Monk': "and you whipped it out."
'Hindu Prince': "I whipped. it. out!"
Hippie and Shaolin look visibly uncomfortable.
'Hindu Prince': "Hey...is it *MY* fault you both have such small vimanas!?"
[Beat]
'Hindu Prince': "No wonder none of you preach Tantra."
Screen goes black and loud thumping bass beat begins.
Narrarator: "In a world..."
Slow fade up to a worms eye view of a huge black office block at night.
Narrarator: "...steeped in darkness..."
Sudden Flash of Sean Connery with Devil eyebrows and horns
Narrarator: "...and evil...."
Cut to a boardroom populated by sinister Cabal of industrialists and drug dealers. As the camera circles the table, the techno drumbeat is joined by an insistent clattering house rhythm punctuated by bursts of Church Pipe organ.
Narrarator: "...you need heroes with no fear of death..."
The camera pans over to the boardroom's door. it EXPLODES brilliantly!
Narrarator: "...Because they are beyond death."
The 'Hindu Prince' steps through the gaping hole....
Hindu Prince: "Knock Knock!"
The 'Hindu Prince', the 'Shaolin Monk' and the 'Beardy Hippie' burst through the door, weilding flaming swords.
Now the soundtrack gets wild und funkee!
Cut to 'Shaolin Monk' striding confidently across a dusty plain on a bright day.
Screen Flashes

Buddha [Shaolin Monk]: "Surely, there must be another way. A peaceful solution...!?"
Krishna [Hindu Prince]: "Naaah. We tried that. Look at what they did to the J-man."
Jesus [Beardy Hippie]: "I bring not peace, but a sword.."
[Stabs flaming sword into coffee table.]

[Now the soundtrack adds martial drumming to the Church Pipe Organ driven house rhythm. And there's an accellerating montage of the following images....
The heroes posing heroically; Bad guys turning into demons; Lightning splitting the sky; Gratuitious split second shot of Mary Magdalene undressing; The heroes being heroic; Car chases. The sky filled with sorties of angry angels riding on golden sphinxes and devas flying around on 'flying saucers'; The heroes fighting with stereotypical 'bad guys'; Satanists about to sacrifice a naked chick; Gratuitious, unexplained explosion!; One of the heroes in an evenly matched kung-fu battle; Hot Babe gasping in fear as a shadowy figure looms over her; One of the heroes in a sword fight with a dangerously formidible demon three times his size;
as the music reaches a creshendo, one of the heroes is tossed against a wall. The music STOPS!
Cut to:
The three ragged heroes, bloody, bloody bruised and panting. They are surrounded on all sides. Above them on an alcove is a smartly dressed Sean Connery as Satan, chuckling and gloating.]

Satan: "Silly children. All the others who came before you...Marduk. Thor. L Ron Hubbard. They all ended up working for me in the end. Why not just give up now, and save us all some time."
Jesus: "We have all the time in the Universe."

Sudden burst of heavenly trumpets. The music starts up again. The heroes begin kicking serious ass.
Montage of heroes being heroic; seducing hot babes; riding on tricked out harleys.
Intercut amid the montages of the heroes being heroic are quick flashes of Krishna striding down a dimly lit and narrow hallway, loading a double barrel shotgun and muttering a prayer. After each quick edit, it flashes a sloagan blurb.

Krishna: "I am..."

Krishna: "...become death..."

Krishna: "...the destroyer..."

Krishna: "...of worlds!"

Music creshendos a second time as he kicks open an apartment door and unloads both barrels toward the camera.
Screen goes Black.

Cut to:
The three heroes striding away from the audience, in full battle regalia. Buddha takes a hit off of a goatskin flask and tosses it to Jesus. As they approach their shining 'Chariot' (actually it's a rocket powered Chevy Nova made entirely out of chrome) Buddha remarks:
Buddha: "Hey...thats pretty good communion wine, J-man. Now I feel like punishing some sinners."
Jesus: "Let's roll out...and show these fuckers some WRATH!"
Krishna: "Fuckin A'!"

Screen goes black one last time to show the credits.

SEAN CONNERY | JESUS CHRIST | SALMA HAYEK | KRISHNA
COLIN FERRELL | SIDHARTHA GAUTAMA | JESSE 'THE BODY' VENTURA
and introducing MARDUK as himself
in a Dino De Laurentiis production of a Jacque Chicque film
UNHOLY TRINITY
Coming to a Church, Temple, Synagogue or Shrine near you.

“Joaquin Phoenix is in early talks to play the role of Jesus in Garth Davis’s Mary Magdalene. Rooney Mara is attached to play the titular role in the film,” and Rebecca Ford has the story in the Hollywood Reporter.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/joaquin-phoenix-circling-jesus-role-886894

So many years ago, so many terrible attempts at joeks