Homemade Jokes

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

Take it to the fridge.

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

"We shall come over!"

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.

One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

your mom

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

Amazing

Q. What do you call a camel that's lost its humps?
A. Humphrey

Came up with that one while drifting off to sleep last night and woke myself up

excellent

Their first recipe was so good, they never had to make a provoltwo.

I make dumb little jokes in the dairy aisle with punchlines like, provolonely or the provolone gunman, but this has those beat by a mile.

what happened when the pope started to lose his faith as a result of a difficult lung infection? he had a respiritual crisis.

Do you know what happened when they found a dogfish in one of the ponds outside Angkor Wat? They had a squalidae in Cambodia.

The great thing about all-purpose flour is, if you have some in your car during a traffic stop and the cops ask what you're doing with it, you can tell them anything

lol

That is terrific

vg++

yes i like that one

Did you hear about the intergenerational brawl that broke out at the conference for benignly transgressive, pseudonymous entertainers a few years ago? It was a real Dame Edna/St. Vincent Melee

lol. I love the punchline. Feel like the set-up needs something related to feminist poetry to make it really sing.

It’s open source, i welcome workshopping

you can lead a horticulture but you can't make them think.
chances are they've long since beaten you to that.

Server: “…and our special tonight is a butterfish collar”
Diner: “what exactly is butterfish, anyway?”
Server: “it’s when a fish’s body is hot, but the same can’t be said for the fish’s face”

Y'all know Shakespeare was a lawyer early on his life?

He practiced law before he was dis Bard

lmao

i'd hafta wait for the whole thread to losd to see if i already posted this, sorry if i have, sorry if i haven't too

knock knock

who's there

ewan

ewan who

ewan your mate can both fuck off

*load

Ewan is me mate and why don’t you fuck off instead

Owen to this new information, Ewan your friend can come right in! Ian you can make yourselves at home

Is the opposite of a conclave a sansclave.
Bopping to that papal beat a discommunicatory sin

I wasn't prepared for these conclavatory jokes

They keep the cardinals convicted of felonies separated from the rest.

They comprise the exconclave.

Obviously they isolate a group of prelates to bash rhythm sticks together until they get white smoke hence con-clave
https://www.gandharvaloka.ca/wp-content/uploads/pi-claves-lrg.jpg
i.e. keeping & bopping to the papal beat.

I may have got my derivation wrong and the correct formulation for the opposite would be sinclave.
In which case the group would isolate but only to indulge their wildest fantasies.
& not keep the papal beat.

Q: Who was Princess Lea’s healthcare provider?

A: OBGYN Kenobi

If Ricardo Montalban were a candidate for would it be Wrath of Khanclave

I was also working on something like Genghis Khanclave

Also if you are dating in Vatican city rn you might fall in love in a popeless place

Q. Why did Superman lose his hundred-dollar stake at the poker game?
A. Because it was CRYPTO-NIGHT

Took me a minute to figure out why there were pictures of hotdogs on Stevo's post.

The tension in the Vatican chimney livestream is palpabile

papal bull, even

wait, maybe that was the joke (?)

Something has to be

palpable + papabile (someone in the running to win the papacy) = a bad pun. The thread title doesn't specify they have to be good :-/

Q: What was the average age of the combat soldier in Vietnam?
A: Bust a move!

why was stereolab arrested after eating beans overseas?

they didn't bring their fart visa

how does richard hatch like his dirks in the morning?

eggs benedict

Q: What do you call a joke about Glenn from The Misfits?
A: a Danzinger

Q: What do you call a soy boy who's all grown up?

A: A Kikkoman.

v good!

Knock knock
Who’s there
Ravioli
Ravioli who
Ravioli supposed to blow the bloody doors off

lmao!

In 1966 Steve Reich moved back to New York, where he got to know Philip Glass. At one point they had a moving company together; Glass also worked as a plumber while Reich drove a cab.

Reich and Glass are moving a heavy dresser down the stairs of a Brownstone, and Philip yells, "for the last time, Steve, stop speeding up"

"i call this one 'dresser phase'"

glass begins to mutter a buddhist mantra to calm himself down, but it does not work and they begin fighting

...and that kids is how philip glass got the idea for koyaanisqatsi

Philip yells, "for the last time, Steve, stop speeding up"

"For God's sake, Philip, how many times are you going to tell me that? You're like a broken record."

Most people don't realise that Mounjaro's secret ingredient is Whisky.

But Thin Lizzy let everyone know: "There's Whisky in Mounjaro"