Emergency Thought Desexualization Techniques

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I'm eating at ASA sushi in Kerrisdale today and in walks this UNBELIEVABLE looking girl with soccer shin guards still on, tiny bright yellow adidas babytop, skin so hot and nice it's almost glowing - and her MOTHER. I quickly realize she's about fourteen, fresh off soccer practice at Balaclava park. Immediately I think "dead puppies, dead puppies, DEAD PUPPIES!"

I first learned this technique watching a stand-up show at Yuk Yuk's with a guy discussing the self-talk he'd administer to himself when trying not to come too early. "Dead puppies dead puppies dead puppies! But then if you DO come, you're a sicko: "Oh God I'm a dead puppy fucker!""

What do you do in such situations?

― LC, Thursday, 11 March 2004 07:13 (twenty-two years ago)

i think of ernst hugo jaregard.

― :|, Thursday, 11 March 2004 07:19 (twenty-two years ago)

http://users.cybercity.dk/~bse5560/ernsthugo.jpeg

― :|, Thursday, 11 March 2004 07:19 (twenty-two years ago)

wroks like a charm.

― :|, Thursday, 11 March 2004 07:20 (twenty-two years ago)

winston churchill. works every time.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 11 March 2004 07:27 (twenty-two years ago)

from austin powers -- "margaret thatcher naked on a cold day"

also the history of the hapsburg dynasty.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 11 March 2004 08:47 (twenty-two years ago)

If You're Too Turned On

If you're too turned on, work out complicated foreign phrases
What exactly is the German for "This Sauerkraut is over-priced?"
If you're too turned on, try reconstructing really boring bus-routes
You can occupy your mind with Double Deckers bound for Spinney Hill Rise
And if you suddenly turned psychic in my boudoir you would find
I've got the lyrics of La Bamba on my mind
I've got the films of Doug McClure on my mind
If you're too turned on, you want to use pythagoras's thereom
Or minus b plus or minus the square root of b squared minues 4ac over 2a
If you're too turned on, use leaders of the British Labour Party
You can picture Harold Wilson but can you see Mr Gaitskell's face?
And if you suddenly turned psychic in my boudoir you would find
I've got the 17 times table on my mind
I've got the history of Democracy in mind
Oh Enoch Powell, Enoch Powell
Did you think you'd be remembered as the face that let a thousand nights go on five minutes more?
Oh Enoch Powell, Enoch Powell
You are the loch-keeper of love, there is a river that you're holding back but it's not made of blood
And if you suddenly turned psychic in my boudoir you would find
I've got the things that really matter in my mind

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 11 March 2004 09:18 (twenty-two years ago)

A good one, according to Vice Magazine, is to imagine your father, naked and being mauled by dogs. For real. Me, I'd rather go with the Margaret Thatcher one. If worse comes to worse, you could always try the naked woman from The Shining (from when Jack looks in the mirror onwards).

― Barima (Barima), Thursday, 11 March 2004 09:34 (twenty-two years ago)

For some reason, the intro to Kashmir always works for me. Big butch guitars are a turn off, I guess.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 11 March 2004 09:35 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

how is this working out for everyone?

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 13 March 2005 03:42 (twenty-one years ago)

well the girl from the opening post is now only fifteen years old, so let's hope well eh?

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 13 March 2005 03:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Wade Boggs:
http://www.homeruncards.com/imagesrc/boggstp.jpg http://www.homeruncards.com/imagesplayers/boggs.jpg http://www.sequoiatrading.com/cards/bogg26.jpg http://www.alaskakingsalmon.com/article_images/mag4.jpg

― green uno skip card (ex machina), Sunday, 13 March 2005 03:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't feel bad about finding girls attractive, and I don't bother to think about dead puppies. I mean, it's not like I'm about to go try to get her number.

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Sunday, 13 March 2005 03:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Wade Boggs

Disclaimer: does not work if you are Margo Adams

― Stupornaut (natepatrin), Sunday, 13 March 2005 06:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Until Enron, I used to think about accounting: balance sheets, bowties, debits, credits, adding machines. But since Enron -- and Andersen's name change to "Accenture" -- accounting has been so durned *racy*....

― Evanston Wade (EWW), Sunday, 13 March 2005 07:48 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't feel bad about finding girls attractive, and I don't bother to think about dead puppies. I mean, it's not like I'm about to go try to get her number.

-- sunburned and snowblind (fluxion2...) (webmail), March 13th, 2005 3:56 AM. (kenan) (link)

obviously you do not live in an eric rohmer movie.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Sunday, 13 March 2005 07:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Obviously not. I live in more of a Denny's at 3am.

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Sunday, 13 March 2005 07:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Although, to be fair, it depends on the knee.

< /throwing Amateurist a bone >

― sunburned and snowblind (kenan), Sunday, 13 March 2005 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Karl. Rove.

One would have thought that the bone is what he'd trying to supress.

― Michael White (Hereward), Sunday, 13 March 2005 08:05 (twenty-one years ago)

MJ Hibbert is a hero.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Sunday, 13 March 2005 12:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Good lord, Kenan, was that a phantom Wally Pleasant reference?

― nabiscothing (nory), Sunday, 13 March 2005 17:56 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.globalhermit.com/ilx/nederwear.jpg

― ken c (ken c), Sunday, 13 March 2005 18:02 (twenty-one years ago)

i had a kind of opposite situation happening to me like a couple years back, i was at this chinese funeral and there was this really ridiculous ritual going on, and i almost started out laughing really bad, so i started thinking about this boy who, at the moment in time, was probably having sex with my (recently broke up) ex-gf, and instantly stopped laughing.

― ken c (ken c), Sunday, 13 March 2005 18:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I've been at funerals where I want to laugh, too. Usually I just imagine the corpse decaying from the inside and lose the guffaw-urge.

― Remy (null) (x Jeremy), Sunday, 13 March 2005 18:46 (twenty-one years ago)

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