my father is really ill and it's doing my head in

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I visited him yesterday in hospital. He has so many things wrong with him - prostate cancer, high blood pressure, a complaint so rare he got a mention in the Lancet called polycystic kidneys which will apparently lead to complete renal failure eventually, gout, a lung infection, blisters on his legs, swollen feet & legs and incoherence caused (we have just found out via a brain scan) by a series of mini-strokes and shrinkage of the brain.

I think we can safely say that Dad is in a very bad way and I don't know how long he's got. And it's scary and painfully sad.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:33 (twenty-two years ago)

much sympathy and warm wishes to you and your family, Mark.

― Huck, Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:36 (twenty-two years ago)

:-( *many good thoughts* That sounds beyond awful.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:40 (twenty-two years ago)

take care, mark. and best wishes.

― cozen (Cozen), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry to hear about this Mark, I hope you can remain strong. This kind of thing is terrible, I can appreciate what you are going through.

― jel -- (jel), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:41 (twenty-two years ago)

thanks Huck, Ned and Jel. My mother did her best over the phone and at their home before we set off to prepare me for the rapid deterioration that has taken place over the last three weeks or so. It really is as if he has aged ten or more years in the space of a month. He looks terrible - hardly like the same person in fact. he was sitting in a very hunched fashion and appeared jaundiced and the stained corporate hospital gown made him look even worse (couldn't they at least allow him the dignity of letting him wear his own clothes seeing as he isn't actually in bed? Or change the gown for a fresh one? is it too much to ask?). But the worst aspect of it, besides the huge list of illnesses which he is suffering all at once, is for the first time in my life this intelligent, witty man was completely unable to communicate with me. I tried to talk to him and wasn't even sure he knew who I was. I asked him and he gave the worst possible answer "Don't be silly". If he had given a completely incoherent answer I would have gleaned something, however negative and if he had said "don't be silly, you're Mark/my son" then I would have got something from it. As it is I don't know if he recognised me or not. Bloody hell.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:47 (twenty-two years ago)

The lack of communication part, that's something that would give me the true sorrow. Dang, man. Hope...well, I just hope, I'll leave it at that.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry to hear this Mark. My best wishes to you and your family.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

all the best to you, mark. i had a similar experience with my favorite grandparent many years ago. the confusion, the worsening of condition, the pure physical pain of it all... it's brutal to witness and i'm so sorry that you and your parents are having to go through this.

― lauren (laurenp), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:53 (twenty-two years ago)

as it was the weekend there were no doctors around only nurses (actually I suspect they may have been orderlies, no disrepsect to any orderlies but I think you know what I'm saying) and this was awful for me having been working in Oxford all week when the consultant etc was about doing his rounds because I so wanted to ask questions. My mother unfortunately comes from the tail end of the age of deference where marching up to a doctor and demanding to know stuff just isn't an option and so she had not found out more than the healthcare professionals had told her of their own volition.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 14 March 2004 18:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, and another thing Mark - as horribly morbid as this may sound : next time you visit your Dad, give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him, how much he means to you etc. This is no time for manly stiff-upper-lips. He may or may not be able to think clearly enough to fully comprehend what you're saying - if he can, then it will be a great comfort to him no doubt - but I also guarantee that you having told him this stuff will help you to cope better, you know, in the future.

In the months after my Dad died, I spent a lot of time really wishing I'd told him exactly how fantastic he was and how much I loved him. I'd been sort of scared to do this in his final days, because it made me feel like I was accepting the inevitable was going to happen and I didn't want to think this way because it would make it come true (if that makes any sense). It made the grieving much harder, I think.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 14 March 2004 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

cheers CJ that is really helpful, I know exactly what you mean.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 14 March 2004 19:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Best wishes Mark. There's not a great deal else of use to say.

― Matt (Matt), Sunday, 14 March 2004 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I am sorry to hear you and your family are in the midst of such a painful experience. CJ is right. Listen to your heart. It's going to have steep claims on you for a time.

― Aimless (Aimless), Sunday, 14 March 2004 19:25 (twenty-two years ago)

This is awful Mark, my sympathies.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Sunday, 14 March 2004 19:34 (twenty-two years ago)

best wishes : (

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 14 March 2004 19:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry to hear this, Mark. My best to you and yours. xxxx

― luna (luna.c), Sunday, 14 March 2004 20:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah Mark that's awful, I hope you can find a way to manage, I'll be thinking of this now, best wishes.

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 14 March 2004 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Best wishes.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 14 March 2004 21:13 (twenty-two years ago)

How horrible! I am so sorry to hear this, Mark.

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Sunday, 14 March 2004 22:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, this is awful news, I hope you can manage to stay strong for your dad. My thoughts & best wishes are with you & yours. xxx

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Sunday, 14 March 2004 23:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, I don't think I have to tell you that I know just exactly how you feel. You are probably feeling very exhausted and overwhelmed from it all and unfortunately it looks as though you're going to be forced into making some very uncomfortable decisions in the not-so-distant future. Please make sure that there are as many relatives helping you and your mother out as possible, that they allow you guys to take breaks, to be home and sleep in your own beds, and take you little things to eat and drink -- you know, just essentially taking care of you guys.

CJ completely and utterly OTM, BTW, about expressing your affection and love toward your father. I felt sorrowful for many days after my own father's passing, but one of the things I'm grateful I never felt was regret that he knew how much I loved him, because I made sure to express that as much as possible. In fact, two days before he passed, I was able to give him a final kiss on the lips and hug him. Almost eight months from that moment, I still remember every sensation that came from that, and I doubt very much I'll ever forget.

Huge, huge hugs from me to you.

― Many Coloured Halo (Dee the Lurker), Sunday, 14 March 2004 23:08 (twenty-two years ago)

my best to you, mark.

― donut bitch (donut), Monday, 15 March 2004 00:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, wow. I just saw this. This is truly heartwrenching. All my *hugs* go to you, Matt. I am undergoing a similar situation with my grandmama having had a seizure last weekend. It came quite suddenly and unexpectedly, even for a 92-yr old, but she's recuperating really fast, so all is well on that front, thankfully.

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Monday, 15 March 2004 00:49 (twenty-two years ago)

my mother had cancer and the experience has touched everyone of us in its own way. i understand what you're going through. be strong and don't forget to tell him two things: one, that you love him, two, that he should not worry about the people around him.

as a good friend of mine once told me, these are the times when you must lean hard on your friends!

― bixdee (bixdee), Monday, 15 March 2004 04:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish you the best.

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Monday, 15 March 2004 04:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry to hear, Mark. Sharing sadness makes us all a little more human. Hold your head up and know many are with you.

― jim wentworth (wench), Monday, 15 March 2004 05:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Awful news Mark. You and your family have my best wishes.

― robster (robster), Monday, 15 March 2004 09:14 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry to hear about this Mark. Best wishes to you and your family from me also.

― sgs (sgs), Monday, 15 March 2004 10:03 (twenty-two years ago)

This may be cold comfort, but polycystic kidneys are neither rare nor do they necessarily lead to complete renal failure. I oughtta know -- everybody in my family (including me) has 'em!

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Monday, 15 March 2004 10:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, this is terrible. Take care of yourself and your mum, and if possible, spend loads of time with your dad. Is there somewhere a bit nicer within the hospital (gardens, a bit early and cold maybe, but that kind of thing) that you can get to?

i had a similar experience with my favorite grandparent many years ago. the confusion, the worsening of condition, the pure physical pain of it all... it's brutal to witness

Lauren speaks the truth. My wonderful granny died on Christmas Eve 2002 after a rapid descent into badness, having spent a few years seemingly being fine with Parkinsons. When there's such a massive change in someone, even if you knew more or less what what coming, it's terribly disconcerting and upsetting. It really is the communication problem that's the worst thing, though: when you can't get through to someone to let them know that you're there to support them, and you have to watch them in pain and disconnection with the world. It may be that actual physical support is the best way of being with them. Shit, I don't know. I'm a bit upset now. Please take care.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 15 March 2004 10:16 (twenty-two years ago)

my prayers are w. you

― anthony, Monday, 15 March 2004 10:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry to hear this, hope all improves

x x

― Rumpy Pumpkin (rumpypumpkin), Monday, 15 March 2004 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Many thanks for your support everyone. Dad died on Sunday evening at around 8.00. We don't know the exact time. The death certificate listed pnuemonia as the primary cause, with prostate cancer and renal failure as secondary causes. Ironically, I'd been in London but had returned to Oxford for a couple of hours when I heard - I had no idea it would happen so soon. The last few days have been pretty frantic as we've been rushing from hospital to registrar to funeral directors to florist etc etc. The funeral will be on Tuesday.

― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 21:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so very sorry to hear this Mark. My condolences to you and your family.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 21:33 (twenty-two years ago)

*many good thoughts and then some* The comfort may be cold, but he will no longer suffer. Get everything settled as best as you all can; good thoughts for the rest of your family too.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 21:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry to hear this, Mark.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 21:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, I regret not seeing this til now, but: (hugs many) I'm so sorry for your suffering, and it certainly helps that you have the rest of your family for support. It will be difficult, but know that you aren't alone. Try not to take on all the necessary tasks on your own; do what you can. Take each moment and breathe.

My condolences and I'll be thinking of you.

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 21:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Mark, I'm welling up as I type, but your dad was very lucky in that he had such a wonderful son. I'm sure you were everything you could have been. Look after yourself, keep posting to ILX as it seems you have many people here who care about you a great deal.

And thank you for my birthday present. You're a true gent :)

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 21:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm so sorry about your father Mark.

― sgs (sgs), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 22:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm very sorry to hear this. My condolences to you and the family.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 17 March 2004 23:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I am sorry to hear this.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Thursday, 18 March 2004 09:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Condolences, Mark.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 18 March 2004 10:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Very sorry to hear about this Mark.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 18 March 2004 10:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Condolences likewise, Mark.

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 18 March 2004 10:21 (twenty-two years ago)

and from me too.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 18 March 2004 10:27 (twenty-two years ago)

My condolences as well. Grief is hard. Very hard.

― Aimless (Aimless), Thursday, 18 March 2004 18:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Very sorry to hear this Mark.

― jel -- (jel), Thursday, 18 March 2004 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

My thoughts are with you Mark, your dad made you the wonderful man you are today, and living a good life is a tremendous way to honor his memory. Take comfort in your sorrow for its depth is only matched by his greatness.

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 18 March 2004 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

So sorry to hear about your father.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Thursday, 18 March 2004 18:50 (twenty-two years ago)

best wishes to you and your family, mark

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Friday, 19 March 2004 00:24 (twenty-two years ago)

:( May yr dad R.I.P., Mark.

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Friday, 19 March 2004 02:39 (twenty-two years ago)

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