Father Ted Quotathon:

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Last night, saw a Father Ted episode I hadn't seen before. (Car Raffle... A few good lines but not one of the best)

Ted: Turn that (TV) off. hah. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal: Ahh, no thanks Ted...

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:08 (twenty-two years ago)

"We want to stay out of the whole area of being in LOVE with the horse"

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:10 (twenty-two years ago)

no dougal, this cow is small, those cows are far away

no Ted, I don't get it

This is my favourite moment of any sitcom ever.

― chris (chris), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:11 (twenty-two years ago)

"No, we came via South Yemen!"

― Gatinha (rwillmsen), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Buckaroo:

'Ah, the sport of kings!'

― Strachey, Friday, 19 March 2004 12:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Sadly I can't quote Ted's weary expression or the "My Lovely Horse" video

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

On the other hand "Well the lyrics are fine, there's no problem there"

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:15 (twenty-two years ago)

ted: They're arriving at six!
Doug: What, six o'clock?
ted: .. . . . . YES, DOUGAL, SIX O'CLOCK!!!

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:19 (twenty-two years ago)

ted: Come on now, "That would be an ecumenical matter"
jack: "Thh..thh..thh....DRINK!" (collapses in sadness)

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:25 (twenty-two years ago)

that would be an ecuminical matter

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:32 (twenty-two years ago)

oh fuck, not even a x-post, sorry

"Bishop Brennan his eminence the Pope"
".....he DID kick me up the arse!"

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

"Bishops love sci-fi!"

― Richard C. (avoid80), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

There's one scene in a FT episode I can't remember it exactly but someone is making some sort of revelations to a crowd and the crowd is making oooh ahhh noises apart from one man who is exclaiming "fucking hell"

Damn I can't remember the episode.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Ted: "So a Protestant is a better priest than I am, is he?"

Dougal: "Those women were all in the nip!"

Mrs Doyle: "Maybe I like the misery!"

Other characters:

"Would you be advocating the use of contraception there now Father?"

"That's a man's hum."

"Come this way, Father Brian Eno."

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Mrs Doyle: "Have a cake Father, they've got cocaine in them"

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I think that was the problem with the Father in the end: too many cocaine cakes at end-of-season jamboree which brought new meaning to the term 'wrap party'.

― suzy (suzy), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Ted: I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.

Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.

Ted: Do you?

Dougal: No.

― Dave B (daveb), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:55 (twenty-two years ago)

The final series was definitely the worst... and why was Graham Lineham in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace'?

― Strachey, Friday, 19 March 2004 12:57 (twenty-two years ago)

i was gonna mention this too

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 12:58 (twenty-two years ago)

paraphrasing here but:

"So have you ever seen a ghost Dougal?"

"Well there was this one time here in the middle of the night I saw this dark figure walking across the room, and he had this thick grey hair even though he was only about 40, and..."

"Dougal...could this have been me at all?"

"....Oh right yeh"

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 13:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 19 March 2004 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 19 March 2004 13:09 (twenty-two years ago)

NUDEY FATHER JACK

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 13:10 (twenty-two years ago)

I like the mad woman talking about the Greeks

"I hear you're a racist now father"

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 19 March 2004 13:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Dougal (dreaming): Consonant please Carol, vowel please Carol, put your clothes back on Carol...

A short while later
Ted (exasperated): Dougal, I'm not Richard Whiteley.

---

Nun: Go on Father, say the prayer
Dougal: What like all that Latin stuff?
Nun: Yes
Dougal: Espiritu sanctu err Costacurta Baggio... err that'll do.

― Japanese Giraffe (Japanese Giraffe), Friday, 19 March 2004 13:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't quote the expressive silences of Father Sloane, so I won't.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't quote the entirety of the airplane episode, specifically the part where the priest draws a picture of himself peeing on a dog instead of writing an essay about why he should get the parachute, so I won't.

― NA (Nick A.), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Enrique - but the last series had The Milkfloat Episode - ie the best episode of any sitcom ever!

"Ted, you left your brick on the accelerator!"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Every episode has at least 10 highly quoteable and brilliant lines. Easily in my top 3 shows of all time.

The "fucking hell" episode is called "Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep" (ouch) and comes when Ted is revealing the criminal plot to the crowd at the King Sheep contest.

Other choice lines;

Dougal (at hospital): "God, they're being an awfully long time with him in there - do you think he's dead?"
Ted: "No they're probably just doing some tests on him."
Dougal: "What, general knowledge tests?"
Ted: "No, medical tests."
Dougal: "Sure, what would he know about that then?"

Dougal: "Sure, what's the problem with bishops? All they do is come in, fumigate the place and then leave."

Dougal: "I've heard about these cults Ted, where they all dress in black and say our Lord's going to come back and judge us."

― Nick H (Nick H), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:35 (twenty-two years ago)

this from (probably wrong) memory:

Female estate agent "But I am the estate agent"

Ted "No you're not! Cuh, having a joke with the big thickos from the island eh?"

Dougal "If you're the estate agent, I'm Boy George!"

cut to Dougal murmuring 'Karma Chameleon'

(Was she an estate agent or something else?)

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

dougal "oh i love the Eurosong contest Ted, I just can't wait! what time is it now Ted?"
ted "three"
dougal "and when's the eurosong contest on?"
ted "in may"

some details of this quote might be wrong.

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Ted: "I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists wear black and tell people what to do, whereas priests..."

Oh, and lets's not forget:

Careful, now.
Down with this sort of thing.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

She was the solicitor telling them about Father Jack's will.

― Sarah (starry), Friday, 19 March 2004 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Methinks some of you might need this if you're going to quote properly. It's dead good and has deleted scenes and commentaries from Linehan and Mathews on each episode. You also get to find out Mrs Doyle's first name.

"We ran the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we saved £200."

― Nick H (Nick H), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:04 (twenty-two years ago)

(that was off last nights...)

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

"Understanding Football For Women"

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Also, this link might kill t'thread

http://www.feck.net/splange/ftquote.html

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Dougal: Who's that singing there?
Ted: Ahh, it's no-one you'd know
Dougal (brightly): Glen Campbell?

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:12 (twenty-two years ago)

"He gives good mass"

― Conor (Conor), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

"I hear you're a racist now father"

Probably my favourite episode.
'Should we all be racists now father? Only i might not have enough time for the old racism'

'Ming the Merciless'

― pete s, Friday, 19 March 2004 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

"Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."

ILX in a nutshell

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

parallels with a Reverend Lovejoy quote that

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

"Dougall, have you noticed how many really hairy babies there were at this year's contest?" (Looks at picture of Pat Mustard) "I mean, it's outrageous.."

"I know Ted, if people can't even be bothered to shave their babies first they're just not trying..."

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:56 (twenty-two years ago)

"Did Ted say he was looking for an EXCITING, DRAMATIC VOICE!"

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 19 March 2004 15:58 (twenty-two years ago)

BISHOP O'NEILL: So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you've been worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

DOUGAL: Well, you know the way God made us all right and eh, he's looking down on us from heaven and everything. And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that.

BISHOP O'NEILL: Well yes.

DOUGAL: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven.

BISHOP O'NEILL: Yes. What about it?

DOUGAL: Well that's the part I have trouble with.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 19 March 2004 16:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Dougal I've never met a celebrity before.
Father Ted You met the Pope.
Dougal Did I?
Father Ted Don't you remember when we were in Rome?
Dougal That was the Pope? That fella living in the art gallery?
Father Ted The Vatican, Dougal. That was the Vatican.
Dougal All the same I wouldn't say he's a celebrity like in the true sense of the word you know.
Father Ted The Pope is God's representative on Earth, Dougal.
Dougal You think he'd be taller!

OK, I admit I cut and pasted that one. But I remembered a pope one, just wanted to get it right.

Incidently, the glen campbell one is not true. Well, it's true inasmuch as it was a conversation I had with a particular mate... (there were other classics, but ..)

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 19 March 2004 16:13 (twenty-two years ago)

god I love it so much, "The Chinese, a great bunch of lads"

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 19 March 2004 16:16 (twenty-two years ago)

"The Communist Party of China, there. One of the biggest Communist parties in the world, and in my view, the best!"

― Richard C. (avoid80), Friday, 19 March 2004 16:19 (twenty-two years ago)

bishop brennan: "i have to leave now. I have an Audience with The Pope"
dougal: "ah, don't worry, they always repeat those things."

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Friday, 19 March 2004 16:37 (twenty-two years ago)

go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on

GO ON

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 19 March 2004 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

The perfect black square of dirt on the window.

― Venga, Saturday, 20 March 2004 00:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Dougal: "How's the son?"

― Venga, Saturday, 20 March 2004 00:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Some of the best moments are also unquotable, like the scene in the episode that inspired this, where Dougal walked the wrong side of an open door, then gingerly back and out the right way.

Surprisingly straight joke: "Actually Ted, I was going to say your fly was down".

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 22 March 2004 15:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I have just ordered the DVD box-set for my birthday and shall get the money off my parents. Thanks you ILE for solving my present dilemma!

― Dave B (daveb), Monday, 22 March 2004 15:36 (twenty-two years ago)

four months pass...

So anyways, Father Jack is probably my least favorite character, but he has my favorite line in the entire series, and it's entirely up to his delivery. It's the episode with the most sarcastic priest, when Father Jack says: "I'm SOOOOOO....SOOOOOO....sorry."

― St. Nicholas (Nick A.), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 14:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Also:
"...It's a bit like Jeff Bridges in that movie, Fearless."
"I haven't seen that one, Father."
"Not many people have. It was probably a bad reference."

― St. Nicholas (Nick A.), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

― ddb (ddb), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 14:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Dougal (reading a paper): "Ted! It says here Clint Eastwood's been arested for a murder he didn't... Oh no, wait, it's a filum."

― Wooden (Wooden), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 14:56 (twenty-one years ago)

two months pass...

"How's your bra?"

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 20 October 2004 15:25 (twenty-one years ago)

"I didn't know there were so many ways to praise God, Ted. Remember when you told me to praise Him by just leaving the room?"

― Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 20 October 2004 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

three years pass...

Dougal: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?
Ted: Oh, yes... what was it called...?
Dougal: Out Of Africa, I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...
Ted: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.
Dougal: Yes, Ted?
Ted: No reason. I just have to stop you.

― The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Sunday, 17 August 2008 22:31 (seventeen years ago)

good times

― Just got offed, Sunday, 17 August 2008 22:35 (seventeen years ago)

It's a different film! It's a very different film! It's a different shark!

― chap, Sunday, 17 August 2008 22:37 (seventeen years ago)

"Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?"
"That wasn't a banana, Dougal."

― j.lu, Monday, 18 August 2008 00:11 (seventeen years ago)

dougal, pissed: "we're all going to heaven lads, wahaaaay"

and from the same episode

"you wouldn't find hitler playing jungle music at three in the morning"

― spaghetti, Monday, 18 August 2008 05:14 (seventeen years ago)

dirty britcoms. if it werent for you and the fruity upper middle class enclave older middle age people who love you PBS would go broke

― burt_stanton, Monday, 18 August 2008 05:25 (seventeen years ago)

Can you change channels in America

― Niles Caulder, Monday, 18 August 2008 06:06 (seventeen years ago)

that is what we where in the states across from eye olde pond would say, "american houmour" half of pbs content is BBC junko and i suspect they get most of theri funding for showing those shows.

― burt_stanton, Monday, 18 August 2008 06:10 (seventeen years ago)

"Tis me own money father. I just didn't want to fill out the forms."

― MPx4A, Monday, 18 August 2008 10:13 (seventeen years ago)

one year passes...

"Come on, Divorce Referendum!"

― The Velvet Underground & Nico Rosberg (King Boy Pato), Tuesday, 10 November 2009 23:39 (sixteen years ago)

Father Dougal: (on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
Father Ted: No, someone was *lured* there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

― jØrdån (omar little), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 02:01 (sixteen years ago)

Dougal: "That English feller touched the stone, and he grew a beard!"

― so says surgeon snoball (snoball), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 10:40 (sixteen years ago)

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, March 19, 2004 8:09 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark

― bear say hi to me (ENBB), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 14:32 (sixteen years ago)

I love my brick.

― bear say hi to me (ENBB), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 14:32 (sixteen years ago)

couldn't find the quote online but the part in the xmas episode where ted finds the baby on the doorstep but it's supposed to go to the next house, and the dialogue between ted and dougal immediately after that. you know the part i'm talking about.

― congratulations (n/a), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 14:34 (sixteen years ago)

"Well wouldn't that have been a real to do.. Thank goodness we can have a nice, quiet, uneventful Christmas."

(or something)

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 11 November 2009 15:09 (sixteen years ago)

'no....let him go' as fr jack runs naked into the wilderness

― banned of bros. (darraghmac), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 15:47 (sixteen years ago)

Thank you, ILX.

― Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats. (James Morrison), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 23:19 (sixteen years ago)

"Of course, there are no Maoris on Craggy Island..."

― The Velvet Underground & Nico Rosberg (King Boy Pato), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 23:28 (sixteen years ago)

"I won't be happy until the last rabbit round here is the one inside your head, working the controls!"

― Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats. (James Morrison), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 23:32 (sixteen years ago)

Ted: "Imagine anyone being so dishonest as to steal raffle money from a priest!"
Dougal: "Well, now, the raffle was rigged, Ted."

― so says surgeon snoball (snoball), Wednesday, 11 November 2009 23:35 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

"Who do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?"
"Blur!"
"What?!"
"Oasis, I mean Oasis!"

― no mate bruce springsteen is the american jimmy barnes (King Boy Pato), Monday, 14 December 2009 10:30 (sixteen years ago)

thinking about taking series 1 off my netflix list because of this thread

― abanana, Monday, 14 December 2009 12:36 (sixteen years ago)

What, "no need" ?

― Mark G, Monday, 14 December 2009 12:43 (sixteen years ago)

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