I, music mole, am Simon Cowell and this is a poetry competition

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We've tried this already on an other thread, but, frankly, the standard was so abysmal we shall have to try again.

The rules: it must be a love poem; it must be sincere; it must be addressed to Simon Cowell. There is a prize.

I am Simon: I am the judge.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yes, the prize. The best entries will be sent, with the permission of the author, to 'Simply Simon', to be considered for their fan poetry and fiction page:

http://members.fortunecity.com/okielady/simon/fanfic.html

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Baby, baby,
Where did our love go?
Ohhh you'll give me a zero
but still-a my heart goes
BOOM BOOM
For you Simon!

*ducks bottles and runs off stage*

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:35 (twenty-two years ago)

*long pause*

*sigh*

Well, Trayce, I don't really need to tell you, do I? You know it was bad. It was indeed bad. Very bad.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Small warning abt that fanfic page - it has bastard banner ads that try and instal Gator on yr machine, so take care, pets.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:39 (twenty-two years ago)

the lights go down
the crowd is hushed
i pretend we're alone

i trill, i warble
i hit some notes
i miss some more

fin, fade out
i hear no other judge
i need your reaction

"you can't sing
you simply cannot sing
why you are even on this show,
i don't know"
"i'm sorry, that was terrible"

simon you crush me
your words say no
but your eyes scream NO

oh, simon.

― amerikin idyll, Monday, 29 March 2004 01:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Why is it that I always fall in love with older men?
I tiptoe round seeking out the iniquity of their dens.
And when I find my way inside i'm often shocked to find,
the truth is oh so different and that love has made me blind.

Simon's love is different though, it's not like those 'other' guys
and although he's mean to me, he really can't disguise
that underneath it all he really is a softy through and through
and provided i never sing for him our love is always true.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Simon Cowell

What deftnesss, what
silences still lowering
between the hibiscus
of love's
fortutious
grandeur
wakes knowing for
that still unlacked reason
of rooms.

For nothing is
unsatisfied
under phantasmagorical demarcations
within
sleeps
dread thirst
for truth.

What bone remembers
like the elusive
hit
desperately sought
in the institial
melufluence
intoxicating
Simon Cowell
like the sea
relentlessly.

-MJ Purdy 3/28/04

― Prude (Prude), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Smirking starfinder
enjoying yourself
making honest love to a mirror, it's cold truthful surface against your warm stubbled cheek
honest love
it amuses you, how easy it all is
I watch you smile so slightly
free
and wish I wasn't fat

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:53 (twenty-two years ago)

fuck the world
don't ask me for shit
and everything you get
you gotta work HARD for it

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 29 March 2004 01:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Prude, I think I'm falling in love!

― mwahmwahmhwah, Monday, 29 March 2004 01:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks?

― Prude (Prude), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:00 (twenty-two years ago)

O Simon!
Priest of pitch
and tone
and personality
Bestow unto me
The X factor
That has been gone
too far gone
in my dreams
A failure
thrust upon me
ruder than the snowballs
thrown by children
at me
when I leave for work
Every damn morning.

O Simon!
Plow my sidewalk of hope!
Clear steady the path of greatness
and meaning
and joy
Help me free
the song within

O Simon!
Do not fold your arms at me
Do not look at me that way
With that look of anger
and condescension
and disappointment
I can do better than I've done
And I am already
Better
Than what you say.

O Simon!
O Simon!
Fuck you, Simon.

― m.e.a. (m.e.a.), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, I have to tell you, I wasn't optimistic when I started this thread, but each of the last entries except for that utterly dreadful 'poem', if you can call it that, by Strongo has restored my faith quite considerably. They were, well, good. Very good. Clearly the comptetition has brought out the best in each of you.

Prude: yours was the weakest of the strong ones. It veered perilously clse to pretentious twaddle *howls of dissent from audience*. You have it in you, but if you continue tlike that, you'll be packing your bags.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:03 (twenty-two years ago)

m.e.a: You were doing so well! And right and the end, you stuffed it up. You dropped the ball *howls from audience* I'm sorry, you did. You failed me.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:04 (twenty-two years ago)

But they loved my poem in workshop! *pouts*

― Prude (Prude), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:06 (twenty-two years ago)

What about mine, I was going for a dowdy middle-aged Pam Ayers stylee?

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:06 (twenty-two years ago)

ipsofacto, you have a very bright future. I do not doubt it.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:12 (twenty-two years ago)

that wasn't very simon cowell of you!

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:13 (twenty-two years ago)

(ipso, I have noticed that Simon is lavish with praise where he is impressed - now, back to my persona)

Prude, I suggest you seek solace in the bosom of the American masses, where, clearly, to have tried with all your heart is fair substitute for genuine star quality.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:16 (twenty-two years ago)

ipsofactor is the clear leader.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:23 (twenty-two years ago)

miccio is the dark horse of this competition.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Competition closes in 5 more minutes.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:27 (twenty-two years ago)

the music mole
ignores my poem
i bath and think of simon cowell
the waters rage
wet i emerge
i walk t'wards mole,
i drop my towel...

― amerikan idyll, Monday, 29 March 2004 02:29 (twenty-two years ago)

idyll, your first poem was slick and well pitched in that brassy, undifferentiated way American poetry often is, , but this time you've really made me wonder if I overestimated your abilities. That was very disappointing.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Competition closes in one minute.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:33 (twenty-two years ago)

bbbut the other judges told me i needed to be more versatile...
screw YOU cowell.
*storms off*
*returns sheepishly to collect towel*
*storms off again*

― amerikan idyll, Monday, 29 March 2004 02:36 (twenty-two years ago)

is one minute up yet?

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Monday, 29 March 2004 02:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Simon it's your sneer
Your muscular hair
They draw me near
I have to stare
As your waspish wit
Dispatches another
Hopeful twit
Erotic shudder

You're a shallow fiend
A connoisseur of crap
When passing your sentence
You wear the black cap
You've been known to frequent
Magistral haunts
The morning papers lament
These nightime jaunts

But you remain dear Simon
Our National Treasure
TV and Pop charts
You've sewn up our leisure
You're a pantomime dame
A Pope for the idle
My heart is aflame
Why aren't i suicidal?

Let's be fair
You're a prick
A purveyor of merde
That spinning sound you hear
Is John Logie Baird
And Edison's record
Though no doubt you'd say
Mary's little lamb
Was outdated in his day

There's nothing to you
You'd disappear
If no-one was watching you
Feast on fear
Boundlessly vain
Sublimely unaware
You're my shameful secret
My guilty affair

But the very worst part
To this hateful love
As I watch your panel
Of hawks and doves
They also invade
My fantasised world
Into daymares
My brain is hurled

There's Pete Waterman
On his steam train
I grimace but soon
I'm in greater pain
As my heart is struck
By a sereis of shocks
When I catch my own Simon
Mounting Neil Fox

Okay that's enough
I know when I'm beaten
Simon declines my appeals
Because he's just eaten
Bloody cliquey judges
And then i'm back
Wondering why oh why
I love this high trousered fool.....
He'd just make me cry.

― pete s, Monday, 29 March 2004 02:43 (twenty-two years ago)

pete, have you had a poetry teacher? Sack him.

The competition is now over.

I have selected to go through to the final round: m.e.a. (without that dreadfully rude last couplet, which I propose to remove), Anthony Miccio (there is a darkness to your love which tickles me), Prude (wild card entry), ipsofacto (my personal choice) and amerikkkan idyll's first poem (I've given you your second chance, don't let me down). The others were also good really, but too rude to be real hymns of praise.

The judge's deciusion is final. I believe I've been more than patient.

Now: I propose to send the finalist entries to the Simply Simon fan poetry page, but first I will need your permission.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Fire away.

― Prude (Prude), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:06 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, thanks Prude. Under the name 'Prude'?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:08 (twenty-two years ago)

MJ Purdy will suffice.

― Prude (Prude), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:10 (twenty-two years ago)

go ahead, send!

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Go for it!

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:13 (twenty-two years ago)

but use the name Tony Mitch.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Tony Mitch! I love it.

Ipso - you will be ipsofacto, or something else?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:14 (twenty-two years ago)

ipsofacto will do :)

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:17 (twenty-two years ago)

wow you really are Simon Cowell ;/

― pete s, Monday, 29 March 2004 03:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Simon, you crazy Cat
You koo-koo bastard
You son of a bitch
Tie a boulder to your balls
Jump off a bridge,
And Die

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Monday, 29 March 2004 03:42 (twenty-two years ago)

pete, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

(actually I really liked your poem but it's far to mean for Simply Simon)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 04:10 (twenty-two years ago)

*blushes*
of course you have my permission mister callow

― amerikkan idyll, Monday, 29 March 2004 04:12 (twenty-two years ago)

under what name, idyll?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 04:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I would like to be 'noo zild idyll' please.
didn't you pick the accent?

― amerikkan idyll, Monday, 29 March 2004 04:15 (twenty-two years ago)

fairy nuff

― pete s, Monday, 29 March 2004 04:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Just woke up. Go for it. Plow my sidewalk of hope, baby!

― m.e.a. (m.e.a.), Monday, 29 March 2004 11:52 (twenty-two years ago)

alright!! I will.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 29 March 2004 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Dear Simon
Here's hoping
You get a gigantic fist
Right up your arse

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 00:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't see our poems on the site yet, mole. Did you take them and run off to Mexico?

― m.e.a. (m.e.a.), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 00:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I sent them all except yours m.e.a. - which I'm sending right now. No reply yet. Gee, I hope she doesn't think I'm a weirdo.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 01:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Sent them all. So that's like what, 4 poems in 3 emails to a complete stranger for her Simon Cowell website. She probably thinks I'm a stalker.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 02:25 (twenty-two years ago)

You just like the Cowell, man. Nothing wrong with that.

― Prude (Prude), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 02:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Gee, I hope she doesn't think I'm a weirdo.
She may not be one to talk, all things considered.

― Sym (shmuel), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 02:56 (twenty-two years ago)

haha

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 04:43 (twenty-two years ago)

she probably thinks you're simon cowell!

― noozild idyll, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 05:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Well I probably am.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

ooh now i'm excited

― noozild idyll, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 05:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Don't be. If I were you, I'd pack your bags - you're going home. Why? Because it's 5pm.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 05:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Has anyone said "Pop Idyll" yet? Right, so.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 13:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Still no reaction on those poems I sent. Will keep you posted - or may have to send them to a rival Cowell fan site.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh my God. That website belongs to someone I know of -- she used to post on this one '80s message board I used to lurk at for quite a long time. Oh my God -- her The Breakfast Club fansite is one of those sites I've been to over and over again. Oh my God. This is one of those full-circle, "the online world is smaller than you think" moments!

*ahem* We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

― Many Coloured Halo (Dee the Lurker), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Perhaps you could tell her that I am not a nutter and I would like my ILM friends' poems published? Or are they simply not up to scratch?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:47 (twenty-two years ago)

aha, it's after 5pm, I AM AT HOME now. good timezone awareness there though.
why is this the only thread I post on? that's embarrassing....

― noozild idyll, Thursday, 1 April 2004 05:27 (twenty-two years ago)

at least you didn't start it...

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 1 April 2004 05:28 (twenty-two years ago)

true, true. do you get email notifications? you could be haunted for years to come with cowell-odes in yer inbox.

― noozild idyll, Thursday, 1 April 2004 05:32 (twenty-two years ago)

one month passes...

Not only did the Simply Simon homepage never get back to me about your excellent peoms, but the fan fiction part of the site appears to be down - and the site itelf appears to be down. For shame! Such a waste of talent.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Saturday, 29 May 2004 10:16 (twenty-one years ago)

oh well. i'm still on my journey, you know. i know my journey won't end here. thanks to the judges and to ILX for believing in me
*cheeky wink to camera*

― noozild idyll, Sunday, 30 May 2004 00:43 (twenty-one years ago)

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