Things men shouldn't find sexy, but do.

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A recent edition of a popular men's magazine published their top whatever things. It was the only article worth reading and actually made me laugh quite a lot in a sad juvenile kind of way)

Here is a condensed list and a few quotes from it:

1. Bike saddles
2. Slightly fat tummies in crop tops
3. Girls fighting
4. Janine off Eastenders
5. Mates' mums
6. Women dressed up as men
7. Joan Collins
8. Girls who look like they could beat you up
9. Leopardskin (because it says 'I literally do not care')
10. Colleagues bending over
11. Women who hate us
12. Female newsreaders
13. Unconscious women in clubs
14. Barmaids (pass them on the street and you wouldn't look twice)
15. WPCs
16. Helga in Allo Allo
17. The automated voice on the Odeon cinema ticketline
18. Libraries
19. Girls who wear glasses
20. Sitting on the bus
21. Insane women
22. Ill women
23. The Cadbury's caramel bunny
24. Helena Bonham-Carter in Planet of the Apes (Yes, a monkey girl. Is that so wrong?)
25. Teachers who seduce their pupils (Ropey old boilers but we're jealous of the tykes whose 'innocence' they steal!)
26. Visible panty line
27. Nurses taking urine samples
28. Girls hugging each other
29. Condom instructions
30. Shoe-shop assistants tying your laces
31. Elves
32. Lingerie departments
33. Burqas
34. Catherine the Great (We know it's a myth, but it's still horny)
35. The stuff girls do when they know you're watching them (arse wiggling, "i'm not pouting" pout, hair tossing, clavicle touching, it still works)
36. Fat girls (there's more chub-love than anyone ever talks about)
37. Ladies' loos (mainly because girls go in there to take their pants down. Amazing.)
38. Tan lines
39. Slow-dancing (must... not... get... stiffy... No, No! Noooo!)
40. Gynaecology
41. The Virgin Mary
42. Girls whose breath smells of cigs (preferably booze too. And perfume, body lotion, hairspray etc)
43. Your girl's best friend (so like her, except you don't have fantasies about your girlfriend)
44. Tampax adverts (we also request that the Zovirax ad with the girl swimming in a helmet be reinstated)
45. The lower back
46. Wonderbras (we really should know better)
47. Filling cars up with petrol
48. Schoolgirl uniforms (It's not a fetish if 100% of men like it)
49. Girls riding horses
50. Girls who actually request anal sex (Danger! Warning sign of psycho-bitch! Is it worth it? Probably.)

To be discussed and added to.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:38 (twenty-one years ago)

I was telling a friend about this article and cryptically enough he said "Oh, does it have, "sitting on the bus"? I felt it best not to ask.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:41 (twenty-one years ago)

No Girls Fainting on this list?

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:41 (twenty-one years ago)

This whole schoolgirls uniform thing is kind of...

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:42 (twenty-one years ago)

i count 13 of those that i like

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:42 (twenty-one years ago)

aw c'mon!

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Number 37 is funny.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:43 (twenty-one years ago)

sitting on the bus aka diesel dick?

― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:44 (twenty-one years ago)

tell us which ones they are!

― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:44 (twenty-one years ago)

#8 is very much underrated

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Do you like "Helga in Allo Allo", Jim?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:45 (twenty-one years ago)

filling cars up with petrol and the cadbury bunny? wtf? is filling a car up with petrol sexy because you get to PENETRATE something?

― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:45 (twenty-one years ago)

i... don't know

(xp)

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:46 (twenty-one years ago)

6. Women dressed up as men
8. Girls who look like they could beat you up
19. Girls who wear glasses

These are classic.

― Vitamin Leee (Leee), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Girls who actually request anal sex (Danger! Warning sign of psycho-bitch! Is it worth it? Probably.)

Hey, no need for name-calling *pouts*

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Stop pouting.

― Vitamin Leee (Leee), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Cos you're TURNING ME ON.

― Vitamin Leee (Leee), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Leee's "droppin' the hammer", so to speak.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:49 (twenty-one years ago)

No Girls Fainting on this list?
I reckon that goes under #22

filling cars up with petrol and the cadbury bunny? wtf? is filling a car up with petrol sexy because you get to PENETRATE something?

To quote said publication:
Cadbury bunny: We have never forgotten her. No human lady will ever measure up.

Filling up our cars: We love our cars, so what could be more natural than moving to their rear, sliding a questing probe into their tight holes and releasing a precious, life-giving liquid? Remember to waggle off the drips.

Ok......

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Joan Collins? ELVES?

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:51 (twenty-one years ago)

err.. actually they go into depth about Joan Collins, it being in her younger days. And elves, all they have is a picture of whats-her-chops from LOTR.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:52 (twenty-one years ago)

wow i'm a perv

3. 6. 8. 10. 11. 12. 14. 15. 18. 19. 21. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 35. 37.
39. 43. 45. 48.

add 51. female opticians examining your retina by looking closely into your eyes

note (kind of)18, 19(!!!). i never knew miss l llew wrote for a top mens magazine!!!!!

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:54 (twenty-one years ago)

filling cars up with petrol and the cadbury bunny? wtf? is filling a car up with petrol sexy because you get to PENETRATE something

i always get nervous when i do this because it alway looks as if i'm taking a really long pee!

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:56 (twenty-one years ago)

52. baristas

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Men's magazines are a bit sad, aren't they? Every article reads like the last patchy conversation you have after a whole night in a pub.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:58 (twenty-one years ago)

and that's sad???? those are happy times.

oh.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 22:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Congratulations on the writing gig, C@lum!

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:00 (twenty-one years ago)

@d@ml - i think that's pretty obvious. to my defense I was on a six hour ferry with insomnia and it was the only thing about to read.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:00 (twenty-one years ago)

as if calz would give props to fat girls

― the surface noise (electricsound), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't worry Mr. latin. You don't need to justify it.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:02 (twenty-one years ago)

no, he'd just acknowledge that other men have "chub love"

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:03 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm in for 18 of these.

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I would like to see a version for women. Actually, that would be fascinating.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:19 (twenty-one years ago)

The more sad and debauched, the better.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:19 (twenty-one years ago)

i once saw a cute bird on the bus. she looked a bit stressed and sketchy. she reached into her bag and got a can of cider out. i tried to get her number but she told me to fuck right off.

― matthew james (matthew james), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:26 (twenty-one years ago)

21 is urgent and key

― ModJ (ModJ), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:26 (twenty-one years ago)

on account of knowing enough of them already, 21 is not one of my 18.

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I like it when girls stack on waterskis. I might be the only one.

― andy, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:31 (twenty-one years ago)

35. The stuff girls do when they know you're watching them (arse wiggling, "i'm not pouting" pout, hair tossing, clavicle touching, it still works)

Ahhaha... ahhh ... Guilty as charged.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:31 (twenty-one years ago)

http://image.allmusic.com/00/amg/cov200/dre700/e747/e747114dhu0.jpg

Not single file? Order can be sexy.

― ModJ (ModJ), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:32 (twenty-one years ago)

What really happens at guys' nights
By Elsa K. Simcik

So your man's just left for his weekly bonding with the guys. They always meet over at Hank's house (not your favorite buddy of his) and watch Monday Night Football every week. You imagine the scene as a dozen guys, sitting around Hank's foul-smelling living room, guzzling beer and shoveling chips down their throats. Oh, and then there's the obligatory yelling at the ref — a very productive place to channel anger.
So is that what really goes on during the "Guys' Nights" held every time any sport from basketball to bowling is broadcasted on TV? Well, sort of. If you really want to figure out what goes on, you've got to remember to separate Guys' Night into two very distinct categories: watching sports and playing sports. It's important to differentiate because guys behave differently depending on their environment.
Watching sports
When guys get together to watch a game on TV, they always bring some extra testosterone along with their six-pack. They talk a little louder, burp a little longer and find it appropriate to punch or hit the other sports' fans in the room (which by the way, is their bizarre way of showing affection). And the topic of conversation? Believe it or not, they're not talking about you. In fact, they're not really talking about girls at all — except maybe the football cheerleaders and their conveniently invisible shorts. The conversation is pretty much all sports: the players, the coaches, the plays ... they'll even discuss the goal post if they run out of topics. So why are guys so verbal when it comes to athletics? Because they're show offs. And they love to compete. So basically, when they hang out to watch the game, they're competing over who knows the most about sports. Guess if you're not playing in the game, you might as well be the smartest guy watching.
As you can see, when your man heads out to a sports-watching event, there's really nothing to worry about. In fact, you should encourage this weekly activity since it gives him a chance to show off his sports knowledge to someone besides you. Yes, we know all about two-point conversions. Go share with your friends.
Playing sports
This category is even better because it gives your man an opportunity to work off that beer gut he developed as a result of the other Guys' Night. But whatever you do, don't show up at the court while he's playing a friendly game of shirts and skins. When guys get together to play sports, they behave like ferocious animals. They growl, grunt and hiss (otherwise known as "trash talking"). And it's not only the noises that resemble animals. Take a whiff of them and you'll see what I mean. But just like at the Monday Night Football gatherings, the last thing on their minds is women. Again, that means you too.

Whether your man's a player or a watcher or both, there's one sport you should go to great lengths to discourage. Golf. It takes up too much time, costs too much money and does nothing for his love handles. Plus, if he plays golf, he might actually want to watch golf. And that's just taking it too far.

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:34 (twenty-one years ago)

I meant 'stack' like 'wreck'! But Jane W is always hot stuff.

― andy, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 23:34 (twenty-one years ago)

to my defense I was on a six hour ferry with insomnia and it was the only thing about to read.

Watching the water is underrated.

I hereby refuse to acknowledge/read/take seriously ANYTHING posted with an April 1 post date. Including men's magazine idiots.

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Thursday, 1 April 2004 00:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh boo hiss MEN'S MAGAZINE!!! Come on, it's really a good-natured, self-deprecating article, especially the one about the condom instructions. In high school I'd get aroused just looking at the machine.

― LC, Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:15 (twenty-one years ago)

53. argyle socks or tights

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:18 (twenty-one years ago)

52. baristas
-- the surface noise

Seconded. Especially Spanish ones. And waitresses.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Hmmm...i was thinking of going for a job at the uni cafe as a barista. Maybe it would be in my best interests.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:27 (twenty-one years ago)

What about girls who can belch louder than Barney from the Simpsons? My b/f always seems impressed when I belch like a sailor at the Waterside Workers Hotel at closing time.

Umm maybe I have said too much.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:31 (twenty-one years ago)

there was a girl at uni who did that. she was told off by her doctor because it was doing some valve in her system damage to the extent that she ran the risk of spontaneous vomiting as a result..

― the surface noise (electricsound), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:34 (twenty-one years ago)

54. Women who smash crockery when angry

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Thursday, 1 April 2004 04:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 124 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Awesome golfers.

― On one hand I've got myself to blame (Lynskey), Saturday, 6 August 2005 14:07 (twenty years ago)

I'm only turned on by 10 of these. Change libraries to "young librarians" and "girls who look like they could beat you up" to "girls whose singing voices sound like they could rip your head off", and add "breasts" to the list (why do we yearn for those bags of fat so much?).

― Ian Riese-Moraine: a casualty of social estrangement. (Eastern Mantra), Saturday, 6 August 2005 16:32 (twenty years ago)

sadly, 11 and 21 own me.

Also I must add
65. Dental Hygienists

― Fetchboy (Felcher), Monday, 8 August 2005 16:11 (twenty years ago)

Speaking of "young librarians", I see that Suicide Girls has finally picked up on the "sexy librarian" meme. I guess we'll be seeing the (fake) librarian porn any day now.

― Land Ho (dymaxia), Monday, 8 August 2005 20:25 (twenty years ago)

Results 1 - 10 of about 205,000 for librarian porn

― Outsider Enter Port City (sexyDancer), Monday, 8 August 2005 21:25 (twenty years ago)

kissing gouramis
vacuum cleaners
napalm

Or is that just me?

― BTK with cheese, Monday, 8 August 2005 23:13 (twenty years ago)

Men's magazines are a bit sad, aren't they? Every article reads like the last patchy conversation you have after a whole night in a pub.
-- @d@ml (nordicskill...), March 31st, 2004.

hahahaha!

― N_RQ, Tuesday, 9 August 2005 10:26 (twenty years ago)

the voice on the jubilee line

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 10:29 (twenty years ago)

Jeesus, the clavicle touching one is really true and I never realized it before. I was having coffee with this (admittedly very hot) girl, but was blocking sexual thoughts because I am taken. The clavicle touch was like a pavlovian trigger.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:28 (twenty years ago)

is a clavicle something to do with violins?

― N_RQ, Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:29 (twenty years ago)

or something altogether mroe rude?

― N_RQ, Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:35 (twenty years ago)

Well, yes, in a way - violins are generally found in the clavicle area.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:36 (twenty years ago)

36 should be 88

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:37 (twenty years ago)

so if a girl plays with her clavicle, she's probably keen?

― N_RQ, Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:37 (twenty years ago)

I think they have a transmitter there and the touching is actually pressing the "on" button.

I MUST KILL...THE QUEEN. I MUST KILL...THE QUEEN.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:38 (twenty years ago)

xpost, No, but if she starts playing her clavinet, then it's ON!

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:39 (twenty years ago)

2. Slightly fat tummies in crop tops

Hold on, I thought the point of crop tops was exactly to enhance the sexiness of tummies. Or are there many ladies out there who actually find them comfortable?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

What about the intercostal clavicle?

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:44 (twenty years ago)

Is that a violin contest?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:45 (twenty years ago)

that's what they should be for, Tuomas.
unfortunately, most of the time they seem to be more along the lines of "haha, look how skinny i am. check out my WAIST."
whatever.

― g-kit (g-kit), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:45 (twenty years ago)

that film is all about bones an' pussies.

xpost

― N_RQ, Tuesday, 9 August 2005 13:45 (twenty years ago)

Strike "in Planet of the Apes (Yes, a monkey girl. Is that so wrong?)" from 24.

― milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Tuesday, 9 August 2005 20:07 (twenty years ago)

thirteen years pass...

wait

cadbury bunny is controversial?

not having that

― phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Sunday, 4 August 2019 23:55 (six years ago)

do you guys call a different thing 'bunny' over there like with the lift and the loo

― j., Monday, 5 August 2019 00:04 (six years ago)

like idk

what do you call bunny

― phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Monday, 5 August 2019 01:00 (six years ago)

this conversation is making me very uncomfortable

― j., Monday, 5 August 2019 01:47 (six years ago)

do men find watership down sexy? y or n

― sarahell, Monday, 5 August 2019 18:31 (six years ago)

I feel like I'm endlessly recommending Watership Down to people who haven't read it and usually don't see the point. So it's possible that I might find a show of interest in Watership Down sexy, but the world may never know.

― Liberals are insane in the mimbrain!!! (Old Lunch), Monday, 5 August 2019 18:36 (six years ago)

i actually did discuss watership down with a guy who was hitting on me at a bar ... his favorite character was the seagull

― sarahell, Monday, 5 August 2019 18:37 (six years ago)

I love Watership Down, book and film, the music when the seagull starts flying is just astonishingly beautiful, don't feel embarrassed to say this, but know it will not be an opinion that will win me any kind of social credibility.

― mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Monday, 5 August 2019 19:36 (six years ago)

i told the guy that i liked bigwig best, the guy was a bit ... not very bright ... and confused bigwig with general woundwort ... anyway, i didn't end up in bed with this guy, but he seemed like a not horrible person

― sarahell, Monday, 5 August 2019 19:40 (six years ago)

How can you not know who bigwig is, he is the one with the big wig? Sound like someone didn't watch it every month or so for about 5 years.

In the very unlikely event I ever return to dating and try to impress a woman with my passion for Watership Down, I will not make such a rookie mistake.

Anyway

https://youtu.be/3GAsoxkmxJ8

― mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Monday, 5 August 2019 19:43 (six years ago)

Big wigs

― nashwan, Monday, 5 August 2019 19:43 (six years ago)

Just remembered that the slum landlord in the league of gentlemen was a fan of Watership Down and this was my least favourite joke in the show.

― mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Monday, 5 August 2019 19:45 (six years ago)

xxp - well, he had been drinking idk ... i think the movie kinda made me angry because it took liberties w/the book ... i didn't mention this to my "suitor" because that kind of prescriptive nerdery is generally nagl

― sarahell, Monday, 5 August 2019 19:55 (six years ago)

someone at a bar wanting to talk about Watership Down would be sexy, and an easy conversation starter too because I am a boy Hazel which is rare outside of bildungsrabbit novels

― the girl from spirea x (f. hazel), Monday, 5 August 2019 20:12 (six years ago)

duncton wood chronicles tho, start running

― phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Monday, 5 August 2019 20:15 (six years ago)

lol I was gonna bring that up

― seven against feebs (Noodle Vague), Monday, 5 August 2019 20:26 (six years ago)

xxp - you don't get this on the regular? ...

― sarahell, Monday, 5 August 2019 20:50 (six years ago)

I worked in a bookstore for seven years with a name tag that said HAZEL and got asked about Watership Down *one* time!

― the girl from spirea x (f. hazel), Monday, 5 August 2019 21:05 (six years ago)

I feel like I should apologize for assuming you were female all this time. In my defence, your display name is "the girl from spirea x".

― All along there is the sound of feedback (Sund4r), Monday, 5 August 2019 21:13 (six years ago)

i love that this revive has been about watership down

― Abigail, Wife of Preserved Fish (rushomancy), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 00:12 (six years ago)

only tangentially tbf but i dont believe in revivers authority

― phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 00:14 (six years ago)

Feral hogs

― nashwan, Tuesday, 6 August 2019 13:27 (six years ago)

I feel like I should apologize for assuming you were female all this time

not necessary! my display name is an admittedly obscure joke from a ten-year-old thread about 4AD female vocalists

― the girl from spirea x (f. hazel), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 14:39 (six years ago)

my boyfriend has informed me that men love FUPAs now

― homosexual II, Tuesday, 6 August 2019 17:59 (six years ago)

i loved female underpants ads back before it was cool

― Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 18:03 (six years ago)

nothing wrong with fupa

― bookmarkflaglink (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 18:34 (six years ago)

glad that the zeitgeist is catching up with me

― bookmarkflaglink (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 18:35 (six years ago)

happily behind the fupa trend for the time being tbh

― phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Tuesday, 6 August 2019 19:31 (six years ago)

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