Does your partner get upset/jealous at your fantasy life?

Well, some people don't. Considering that this particular couple actually *met* through a mailing list dedicated to the obsessive discussion of a band (not Sinister) it seems a bit strange to allow the obsession that brought them together, but disallow another obsession.

I know people who have totally taken it over the line - heck, I know a woman who left her husband to stalk to her OoO - so obviously there is some kind of continuum. Obviously an obsession that interferes with your relationship means that there is a problem. But is the problem in the obsession itself, or in the relationship? Because as RickyT points out, shared obsessions can really help relationships.

The sexual dimension is often just not a problem in these couples - in fact, in some (creepy to me, but hey, who am I to judge?) relationships, it's actually a turn-on, because the appropriately gendered partner gets to pretend to *be* the OoO.

I would really prefer if this thread didn't descend into nastiness and kinkiness, but perhaps that's too much to hope from Nu-ILX.

Well, ideally you would be able to discuss your fantasy life with your partner of course. But if there really IS something that ranks as an Obsession, then I can certainly understand the partner being a bit miffed about it.

Kate, you and certain others on this board who go on about your crushes even though you're in a relationship - I hope your partners are a fuck of a lot more understanding than I would be if I innocently logged onto the forum where I knew she spent a lot of time and found endless references to her attraction towards other men.

One particular folkie girlsinger, I sort of got to notice, mainly because she bore a striking resemblance to my gf. So one day, she sort of asked, do I 'fancy' her you know, no comebacks, be honest. (Mmm. bevare!!!) But anyway, as I said, What would be the point? It would be like the same as, except as the famous person is as tall as I am, I'd just feel like I'd shrunk!

My general impression is she'd rather not know if I did, and to be hoest, I don't tend to do this anyway. Maybe it's like what you said about 'fanboy' obsession, and as I don't tend to obsess in that way...
...
um, no.

I'm wondering how other people in relationships different from ours (such as my mate and her husband) handle this sort of thing. Because unless they're eunuchs, people in LTR's are going to develop external crushes. How do you handle this when it arises, and is a Fantasy obsession more/less healthy in some ways than an IRL threat?

lol Kate this isn't snarky but your dude agrees to pretend to be your crush?

Didn't actually read my post, did you? I said that that was where I drew the line myself, and that's where I wouldn't go.

A couple I know, were always honest about their real-life crushes. (Actually, this happened to two couples I knew). These would just end in a sort of shared smile, a laugh, and carry on with life together sort of thing. They both ended up in bad places, lets say.

I'm not sure this is the key point, it's the endless wittering type stuff that amazes me. Really if you talk about that band in real life as you do on here I'd go potty.

my g/f will quite happily talk about how she finds people we know attractive: celebrities, friends of mine, whatever - bcz i'm not insecure about my own looks, and it doesn't bother me at all - i'm more interested to know who she thinks is handsome than i am jealous. but, crucially, she doesn't focus this sort of talk on one person - maybe then i would find it irritating, i dunno

was that it?

Like I said at the start, this thread is not about me. It's about how other people handle issues within their relationships.

Also, x-post, Gareth OTM.

to answer your question to the point, My SO can crush on who she likes, I don't mind, but if she bent my ear about them constantly I'd get seriously fed-up, not just for the disrespect thing Mark was talking about but also because it would just be feckin annoying

happy?

I'm wondering how other people in relationships different from ours (such as my mate and her husband) handle this sort of thing. Because unless they're eunuchs, people in LTR's are going to develop external crushes. How do you handle this when it arises, and is a Fantasy obsession more/less healthy in some ways than an IRL threat?

my ex and i never spent much time talking about who else we fancy/crush on at all - it didn't seem that worthwhile although certainly it could've been a touchy subject as i found often we would be out together and i would be looking at other girls i found really attractive looks wise, which made me feel guilty but also trapped in the relationship as i wasn't free to pursue anyone else, but there were other pros to her which is why it lasted as long as it did. i'm not sure what else to say about that though which isn't very useful sorry.

And that's all I'm saying.

picture me now single and afraid to go into any future relationships due to the knowledge of my own stupid jealous tantrums.

(* thinks of the bam pictures taped on her bathroom mirror*)

- godzilla
- a specials gig flyer blown up
- teenage mutant ninja turtles from when i was a wee thing

Is this the same list that costs $35/year? ;)

FYI, it's not necessarily easy to shag members of that band. (You knew I had to add my $0.02, hm?) Here are the requirements you need to meet in order to fulfill that goal:

Simon:  You need to be a barely legal blonde leggy model type. Brains are secondary here, though they might help if he suddenly decided to be his usual snarky Simonly self. (What's with all these brunet Simons from around London, anyway?)

Nick:  You need to be an overly wealthy leggy socialite type. Brains are absolutely vital if you're going to want to stick with him and his "agile mind" (as Simon put it in 1984). If you're a Lady Such-and-Such, even better.

John:  Seeing as though his current marriage (to the head of Juicy Couture) is generating a whole lot less dramatic gossip than his former one (to Amanduh de Cadenet), it seems as though you'd need to be a hugely successful American woman -- looks are a very distant second or third here.

Warren:  Pre-December 2003, all you'd need to be is alive. Post-December 2003 -- maybe alive AND a born-again Christian... ?

Roger:  Unknown; he seems to still be very much in love with his Italian wife Giovanna. Best forget him.

Andy:  Why on (planet) Earth would you want to shag Andy?

xpost

I mean, yeah, sure, he was kinda cute ca. 1984, but then he grew and nurtured that hideous mullet, and then he got heavier and heavier (mostly with drink), and then he decided it'd be a good idea to have a pair of black sunglasses welded to his head, and now to top it all off he has that Rod Stewart-ish weird-looking rooster 'do going on.

(Note: I'd cut him some more slack if he hadn't been so lawsuit-happy in 1987.)

(Another note: You don't have to tell me I know too damn much about that band.)

Thanks for your addition to the thread, Stevie, I find that very interesting. One of the biggest reasons that I want my "fantasies" to stay fantasy was getting too close to the music industry, and finding out too much about the old man behind the curtain that was the actual rock stars behind the myths. The myth/fantasy was so much more interesting than the person could ever be. And you're right about the insecurity thing.

On rereading this thread, the main problem with its derailing seems to be the odd conflation of obsession with fantasy. Which are two pretty different things really.

Welll... I don't know. I see fantasy and obsession more as kind of a continuum rather than an either/or situation. Libido and fantasy and obsession and creativity are so bundled together in my mind and my experience. Where fantasy and obsession overlap, there creativity lies, and that's the bit I'm interested in. But that's just me and my weird brain-world.

Ailsa - I hate to say it, but you know the old addage. If you don't like the subject/thread, you are under no obligation to read or post. Just so you know.

Kate, after reading through all this, only one question to ask: who says that there has to be a concrete divide between having a libido and being in a relationship; I'd think both would feed off of each other, and vice versa.

Where fantasy and obsession overlap, there creativity lies, and that's the bit I'm interested in.

Not that I'd actually know about obsession (to date, I've never obsessed about anyone---famous or no), but I believe obsessions can be healthy as long as you channel them to provide fresh ideas to use on HSA.

read in the paper at the weekend they were getting divorced. he looked k-hot in the accompanying photo.

Kate, I know I don't have to read the thread. I thought i would like it. I did. Just not the bit I commented on, hence the comment :)

Unless you are Yasmin Le Bon, that is?

http://www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/galleries/celebrity_marriage_forever/images/large/simon_yasmin.jpg

Actually, all the girls I know who have shagged Simon Le Bon-Bon were brunettes, but that's another story...
Hmmm. Most of the women he was spotted picking up during the late '90s tours were blondes. Wouldn't surprise me if he has, um, broader tastes.

read in the paper at the weekend they were getting divorced. he looked k-hot in the accompanying photo.
You're f***ing kidding me. Ok, first of all, this means I'm behind on my band gossip, and secondly, I would've NEVER figured he would've ever split from Giovanna!

just tryin to help (dontgiveuphope @ girl.com)
*snort* I'mactuallyaNickandJohngirlandhaveneverbeenpartialtoSimon*ahem*.

Just to keep this as part of the discussion, even as a teenager, when I most strongly celeb crushed on Nick and John, I never lost sight of the fact that they were (a.) celebrities, (b.) perfectly capable of picking up loads of fine young ladies without taking me into consideration, and (c.) probably never even going to be interested in me anyway, even if we ran in the same circles. I've always been fairly sensible with my celeb crushes, choosing to think of them as harmless bits of fun and light I would never do anything with.

her body is funny
I actually think she looks really good for someone who's given birth to FOUR children (!) (Thus says someone who still wishes she could look like that, so, um, anyway.)

(Heh. I feel like I should put a disclaimer on this post:  Do not read if you dislike magazines such as OK! and People.)

Well, good for you if you don't have something that eats you alive.

How did this thread ever get derailed...

Kate, after reading through all this, only one question to ask: who says that there has to be a concrete divide between having a libido and being in a relationship; I'd think both would feed off of each other, and vice versa.

Well, I never said there was a concrete divide. It's just a fairly well-known psychological oddity of human nature that after the wonderful honeymoon period of non-stop-erotica, there comes a point in most long-term relationships where it kinda levels off. It doesn't mean necessarily that you've lost your libido, it just means that routine and familiarity etc. have just taken their toll. Sorry to sound like a bored suburban housewife, but there's the desire to "spice things up". What do you do? You can hang around in pornshops or S&M clubs or get into "swinging" and all those other cheap nasty boring parochial things. Or you can get The Horn watching TOTP. Whichever turns your crank.

Kate, I know I don't have to read the thread. I thought i would like it. I did. Just not the bit I commented on, hence the comment :)

Well, how am I supposed to get that from seeing just one random nasty comment inserted in the middle of a thread? :)

I would like to point out that there is quite a difference between the occasional "Phwoar, Busted are hott!" outburst and actually sharing my sexual fantasies. Because, really, apart from obvious Randy Old Woman jokes (and one ill-advised drunken outburst), I generally don't do the latter. (Then again, how is a person who knows me solely through the internet supposed to know the difference between a joke and an actual desire?) I would hate for this thread to be a purely *academic* discussion, but I would like it to be - and I think it has been - an open discussion of touchy sexual/emotional issues.

Sure, I opened myself up by bringing up my own personal life for discussion. But it would be really nice if we could really actually discuss adult issues as adults, rather than just using this thread as a dumping ground to vent other personal issues.

Anyways, thanks Lady Di and Webcrack for making useful comments. Because, if nothing else, this thread did provoke some interesting discussion at home.

Well, how am I supposed to get that from seeing just one random nasty comment inserted in the middle of a thread? :)

So why assume I hadn't read the rest of the thread? Why assume anything? Fuck's sake, it was a throwaway comment :) truce?