Abraham Lincoln and Jack the Ripper: One and the Same?

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After fifteen painstaking minutes of research, I have come to the following conclusion: Good 'ole "Honest Abe" Lincoln, thought to have been asssassinated, actually survived. He was put in a witness protection program, so he surgically shortened his legs, shaved most of his beard to disguise himself and moved to England. After getting an infection in his leg from the leg-shortening surgery, he became dreanged and delusional. When a prostitute happened to look at him funny he thought she recognized him from his previous life. He killed her on the spot and murdered five more prostitutes over the next few months. Finally John Wilkes Booth (also secretly still alive) was hired by the US and British governments to finish off the job he had failed at more than twenty years earlier. And that was that. Abe's corpse was brought back to America and cremated. The ashes were scattered over Lincoln, Nebraska by incompetent Secret Service agents in the mistaken belief that it was Abe's hometown.

I cannot confirm any of this, but I am absolutely, positively 100% correct.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:27 (twenty-one years ago)

All because of the stovepipe hat?

― Huck, Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Other reasons for suspecting Lincoln as the Ripper:

Witnesses described the suspect seen with the victims right before their deaths as "foreign". It was popularly believed that Jack was an American...

They both lived in the 19th Century.

Abe Lincoln was a master of disguise. (Actually I have no evidence of this, but it makes sense).

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:32 (twenty-one years ago)

This is more sensible then that Patricia Cornwell book.

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Jack the Ripper had a secretary who drove a Lincoln (Continental).
Abraham Lincoln had a secretary who liked to fart.

― Huck, Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:36 (twenty-one years ago)

You have some inside information? I'm writing a book, I could use some details to flesh out what I've uncovered so far.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh yeah, I got tons of this shit, er, scoop.
Jack the Ripper has 13 letters as does Abraham Lincoln (unless you count them all), as well, Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his killer hid in a warehouse, and Johnny Depp starred in a movie about Jack the Ripper that played in theatres and somewhere there's probably a warehouse full of DVDs of the film.

― Huck, Saturday, 24 April 2004 01:55 (twenty-one years ago)

You are blowing my mind...

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, 24 April 2004 02:09 (twenty-one years ago)

I reckon the FBI covered it all up to avoid embarassment. Let's face it, you don't want it known that an ex-president was a killer in one of the (then) world super-powers? It would be terrible for international diplomacy.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Saturday, 24 April 2004 18:23 (twenty-one years ago)

It's crazy, but, fuck it, it makes sense.

― Skottie, Saturday, 24 April 2004 19:41 (twenty-one years ago)

This is some coincidental shit, but I just got back from a Casebook conference about Jack the Ripper (yeah, zip it) and some of us went to a Baltimore sideshow museum in which one of the exhibits was Lincoln's alleged final poo. We made up a similar theory.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 24 April 2004 22:37 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

Jack the Ripper has 13 letters as does Abraham Lincoln (unless you count them all)

Hahaha!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 7 April 2006 08:49 (nineteen years ago)

Yes, I wish I'd said that!

― Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 7 April 2006 08:54 (nineteen years ago)

Abe the Ripper (12)
Jack Lincoln (12)*

*minus one

― latebloomer: someone's been drinking my youth! (latebloomer), Saturday, 8 April 2006 08:41 (nineteen years ago)

seven months pass...

So, say hello to Jack:

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42334000/jpg/_42334428_jacktheripper_203b.jpg

― StanM (StanM), Monday, 20 November 2006 18:55 (eighteen years ago)

Sturm?

― stoked for the madness (nickalicious), Monday, 20 November 2006 18:58 (eighteen years ago)

Drang.

― Aimless (Aimless), Monday, 20 November 2006 19:02 (eighteen years ago)

one year passes...

y'all know i'm right

― balloon in a sack (latebloomer), Wednesday, 12 November 2008 01:57 (sixteen years ago)

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