Breaking up is hard to do

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How should I break up with a guy I've been seeing about 5 months?

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Through the power of mime.

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:06 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.p45.net/postcards/dumped_lge.gif

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Tell him you "have to talk" like on Tv

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Interpretive dance!

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Should I TAKE him on TV?

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

or a game of charades. he'll be so happy when he figures out what you're trying to say that the impact of the dump will be softened.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

depends on why you're breaking up and how you feel about him.

i'm something of an expert at this right now. it's kind of my specialist subject.

but still, need more info...

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Should I TAKE him on TV?

Most bold.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Not enough people use technology imaginatively these days. Borrow his mobile and set the ring tone to you saying "I think you should know that I'm leaving you. Also, you have a call!"

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Whatever you do, make sure (if you give a shit about him at all) to give him A Reason. Doesn't really matter what Reason it is, or even if it's true - just give him Some Reason Why You're Leaving. Honestly, it's fucking horrible when people say, "look, I really can't put my finger on why, but it's just not working and I have to go now". Any Reason, however spurious, is better than lily-livered faffing.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm just not into him anymore. I liked the idea of being with him more than really being with him. Good in theory...but not so much in reality.

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Any reason Charlie?? That leaves a lot to the imagination

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

tell him you're seeing someone else, that's always a good one. kills it dead.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:13 (twenty-one years ago)

A friend of mind got chucked after two dates cos ths guy "didn't want to rip her clothes off", which she decided was actually quite a pleasant and candid way of giving the brush-off.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually, I usually prefer "just not feelin' it" breakups to those with Specific Reasons, as when there's a Specific Reason I end up becoming obsessive about something ridiculous. But I'm not Charlie though, or the guy you are breaking up with either, am I?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't think so...

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Tell him that if you had to publish a league table of sex with his family, he would appear somewhere between his nephew and his nan. Smile and say, "who's a big boy then?"

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

the whole "I'm just not that into you" thing is great. But it only really works right at the start of a relationship, even before it *is* a relationship.

OTM.

― Baaderoni (Fabfunk), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

apparently text dumping is on the rise. pros: he'll get a funny/sad story to tell his friends, you'll feel like a trendsetter. cons: it's pretty harsh and usually has to be followed up by 'the talk' anyway.

probably what you should do is tell him you want to meet to talk. ideally, this would be about a day in advance, to give him time to think about things. when you meet, he'll probably ask what you want to talk about, and you can ask if there's anything on *his* mind that he wants to say before you get started. it's possible that he knew this was coming and it'll all be a lot easier than you expect.

i'm not sure i agree with charlie on the 'need a reason' thing. the main reason this argument works is that your real reason ('i'm bored') sounds pretty mean and you probably can't say it. which would make the other reasons lies. which isn't good.

try to keep it as simple as possible. say you're not into him that much anymore. if you'd like to stay friends, say it. DON'T say you're 'on a break' or you 'might get back together' unless you really mean it, because that is ALL they will hear.

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Well i guess my question is do I really have to BREAK UP with him, or could I just slowly disappear off the face of the planet and hope he took the hint?

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

And Collette---that was excellent advice. Are you a pro at breaking hearts??

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I was text dumped before. I lost alot of respect for the person, whom I still know.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

the "slowly disappear off the face of the planet" thing only is an option with platonic friends.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

..who you know no-one in common with.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

See that's a BIG problem..we share all of our friends, which means I'm bound to run into him like EVERYWHERE!

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Well i guess my question is do I really have to BREAK UP with him, or could I just slowly disappear off the face of the planet and hope he took the hint?

This is a nasty, lazy (and predominantly boys') trick, and I for one think it's possibly the meanest thing you could possibly do.

TS: Lies vs fibs innit? If your reason is that you're bored with the relationship itself, but you generally like the guy, then don't batter his heart with the frying pan of boredom. Just tell him a gentle fib along the lines of "I need some time to myself". Don't lie (big difference, methinks) and say "I love you so much I can't handle being with you" or something!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Try this:

"I'm really sorry about this and I don't intend to hurt you, but I really don't want to date you anymore. I'm just not getting what I'm looking for from this relationship. Now get to steppin' before I put a cap in that ass. Go on, bitch. You better avert those eyes, motherfucker."

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:33 (twenty-one years ago)

It can't be that hard if you really want to break up with him. He has a right to feel disappointed or sad whatever way you do it, just be prepared for that and allow him that right.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Ronan OTM.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

See the problem there is that since we're all friends with the same people and I'm bound to see him out this weekend...I can't really say I need time to myself and then have him see me talking to other guys. I can't lie...or even "fib" because he's gonna know my every move weather he sees it himself or his friends do.

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Well i guess my question is do I really have to BREAK UP with him, or could I just slowly disappear off the face of the planet and hope he took the hint?

please don't do that, that is the shittiest thing ever. tell him you think he sucks in bed, you fancy his dad, anything, anything but that.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:36 (twenty-one years ago)

the thing which bugged me most about the only really messy situation like this I've ever been in, was that the person involved was all "why is it now weird between us, why is Ronan not talking to me much".

I think it can be quite annoying for someone to hurt you and expect you to go back to normal all over again.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I agree.

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:38 (twenty-one years ago)

The thing you have to get past is the simple fact that you're going to hurt his feelings on some level. There is no way around this. The main options you have are direct honesty in the hope that clear air will minimize the hurt feelings or seeing exactly how thoroughly you can crush him; the course you choose depends entirely on how evil you are.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:39 (twenty-one years ago)

How about giving him notice?

"I'm breaking up with you one week from Friday"

(Who knows, it might soften the blow)

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I know that. I don't intend on everything to be the way it was before we started dating, and I'm sure that he will be hurt, and I'll probably have to deal with some shit from his (our) friends..which sucks, and I don't want to hurt his feelings cause he's really a cool guy, but I can't help it if I'm not happy.

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:43 (twenty-one years ago)

It sounds like your problem isn't entirely going to be solved by the manner of the breakup. If he's going to be upset by you talking with boys (not sure mow much of a euphemism that is) in the short term, then you may have consider how much it will upset him/how much you think he will be entitled to be upset and maybe hold back on the boys for a while.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, tell him that!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

OK, now here I can help definitely. I've been through precisely this, and hard as it was to make this decision, here's what I did: with the cooperation of our closest mutual friends, I made sure that for three solid months, I was not in the same room as the person in question. This meant I missed out on lots of things I really wanted to go to - as, maybe, did the person - but it was worth it because we're now good friends again.

I had to kinda sacrifice normal life for a bit, but from my own point of view I HAD to do that, to get the person out of my system, as it were - you may have to do the same, maybe more for his sake than your own, but that's just tough shit really, you're about to finish with him!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Scenario: We all go out this weekend and an attractive guy approaches me, we sit chat...perhaps exchange numbers. He'll most likely be there as will his "boys" and I'll be the "bitch" who hurt him

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Wow Charlie..that's some good advice but that would really suck

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:47 (twenty-one years ago)

If you want to come out of this as "the nice one", you will have to make some sacrifices.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Ok..well it's gets a little more complicated..It's my best friend's 21 birthday Saturday. And I know he's gonna be there and I HAVE to be there cause I splurged for the limo. So since I fully intend on doing this before this weekend how should I approach that?

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Spend most of it glued to your best friend's side or in the bathroom.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Would it be better to grin and bear it and wait til after this weekend? or is that just mean?

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:52 (twenty-one years ago)

like I say. A week's notice...

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

That was my initial advice, but I assumed that since you said you were determined to break up before the party that that wasn't an option.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I suppose it's an option....more like a last resort. I thought if there was any way I could do it before then I'd like to..but I don't want to be thrown in his face if his wounds are still fresh...and i wouldn't want him to miss out on the fun

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:56 (twenty-one years ago)

alexa: sadly, yes. i am a bit of an expert at breaking hearts.

don't do the disappearing thing, especially if you have mutual friends and you're bound to run into him. this is the one thing i've finally forced myself to give up. it just doesn't work.

i think you're going to have to avoid flirting in front of him for a while. how long depends on how upset he is about it. i've been in situations where it's fine a few weeks later, i've been in situations where i still feel weird talking about people i'm dating-- several years after the break up.

if you don't want him and your mutual friends to get angry at you (and rightfully so) you need to chill on the pulling for a while.

i think the breaking up itself will probably not be that bad. i've found that i work myself up to get so nervous/unhappy about doing it that i think it's just going to be terrible, and it usually isn't that bad.

(xpost-- go to the party, be friendly with him but give him as much space as he needs, and don't try to pull anyone)

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Is there another boy involved in this scenario, Alexa? Someone you fancy and want to make a move on? Someone from your group of friends, maybe?

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 13:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Well...CJ now that you mention it.......

but no he's not from our "group" - i've known him since high school and ran into him a couple weeks ago. We used to date and he asked me to lunch one day. i went and things were cool...nothing happened i'm not a cheater..we just caught up and stuff....but he is the bartender at the bar we're going to...and i kinda want him to think i'm single. the plot thickens

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Be honest and sympathetic during the breakup (in person) and then don't see them for a while. Resist the temptation to call or see him or change your mind (you'll be tempted to do all three, not immediately, but say 2-8 weeks after the dumping) and then, if you want to/have to be friends, arrange to meet up for a coffee in about 3 months, DO NOT fuck him, and then you can start gradually being in the same place again together.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Right. The first verse of "Jilted John" contains your text.

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

you can let newboy think/know you're single, without hitting on him all night, which would make oldboy sad.

i don't think you necessarily need to avoid him for a while, but that is apparently because i am cold and heartless and that stuff just doesn't bother me like it should.

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:09 (twenty-one years ago)

DO NOT fuck him

This, though it pains me to think it's inportant to stress something so Massively Obvious, is Really Very Important Indeed.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:17 (twenty-one years ago)

"DO NOT fuck him
This, though it pains me to think it's inportant to stress something so Massively Obvious, is Really Very Important Indeed."

does this really happen that much? especially if she's dumping him because she doesn't like him that much anymore (and chances are, doesn't fancy anymore?)

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't think fucking him is a concern...

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:21 (twenty-one years ago)

does this really happen that much?

It can. In at least one case I know, "how've you been doing?" -> one last unexpected shag -> kid.

Related advice from a good friend: meet for lunch, not dinner.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:24 (twenty-one years ago)

meet for lunch, not dinner.

and for god's sake don't get too pissed!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Perhaps we can meet for brunch and make it a happy medium..or maybe I should suggest linner or dunch even??

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:27 (twenty-one years ago)

brunch seems a little too intimate, actually. almost like the 'morning after' feel. i'd stick to lunch proper.

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Or just coffee.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:29 (twenty-one years ago)

I think the "thought process" is that it would be nice to have sex knowing it's the last time, along with maybe anxiety if neither of you have scored in the intermediate. I say "thought process" because it's generally the booze that's the magic ingredient.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:29 (twenty-one years ago)

So meeting for drinks would be bad?? lol

― Alexa, Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

thanks, AF. i don't think i've ever had this happen, so didn't know that it was so common (and have mentioned that the one time i very politely tried to arrange breakup sex was stood up. bastard.)

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Did you send a card? (or an Microsoft Office appointment thingie?)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:44 (twenty-one years ago)

HAHAHAHA!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:44 (twenty-one years ago)

"Location: My place
Attendees: Your arse"

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

no, i rang and reminded him that he'd promised breakup sex. we arranged a day and time. he didn't turn up. and had his phone off all weekend.

this made me mad.

― colette (a2lette), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:53 (twenty-one years ago)

dag. you crushed him!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd say that you should be honest with him, but temper it with plenty of kindness. Let the other guy know you've just broken up and although you don't want to be flirting and making out at the party, maybe you could meet sometime.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Fancy A Bromide?

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 16:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, if you believe Miranda off SATC (and let's face it, you'd be daft not to), then the whole "I'm just not that into you" thing is great. But it only really works right at the start of a relationship, even before it *is* a relationship.
We should clarify that on SATC, not "coming upstairs" after a night out or not calling within a day or two MEANS "I'm just not that into you". Miranda learned to recognize these signs, and move on.
You're long past the point where saying "I'm just not that into you" is fair or feasible (as others have said).

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 17:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, Sex and the City is a FUCKING FICTIONAL TV SHOW WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

― NA (Nick A.), Tuesday, 4 May 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

five years pass...

lack of exhibitionist sex

― noted schloar (dyao), Wednesday, 3 March 2010 10:26 (fifteen years ago)

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