How To Ignore People

Online, it's much harder for me.

In real life, being able to ignore the person depends on whether they are a useless minion, or your supervisor/boss. In that case, just smile like you're listening. (If it helps, picture the irritator with a stilletto in their back.)

What do you mean, write off every dig as a joke? That's an interesting idea.

(x-post)

I don't want to bring up the situation, or talk about individuals. I want advice for *me* on a general level, as this happens quite frequently.

i can't really give you much proper advice sadly as our lives and characters are fundamentally different, and what works for me wouldn't work for you as a result. it's hard enough as it is to tell someone how to do something that seems instinctive/intuitive - and to repeatedly fail to be able to do it smacks of a disorder of some sort. i would say i do have disorders similar in nature tho, as do most people i would've thought

It isn't ABOUT them, it's about my own lack of self control, and the way that *I* perpetually rise to whatever bait I perceive.

I can't change other people, I can only change myself. I am asking for ways to not let things bother me.

The two Nicoles' advice is both good, as was your advice about picturing the person in a ridiculous situation.

I need suggestions like that, about how to control my own temper. Not opening the debate for any one of the Person X's to get on and start stirring up another argument.

however, i'm not totally convinced not acknowledging their existence at all always works. it's because they felt ignored in the first place that they started being annoying innit?

Not exactly, but that could work too.

I need suggestions like that, about how to control my own temper. Not opening the debate for any one of the Person X's to get on and start stirring up another argument.

If this person only bothers you online (as in threads and such), simply ignore them, as responding in any way only keeps the flame going.

x-post, saying something like "just ignore them" isn't helpful. If I *could* just ignore things then I wouldn't be asking the question? I'm asking HOW do I ignore them? What method can I use to keep myself from being bothered or responding? Where do I get this "self control" of which people speak?

lady, if you have to ask...

U&K, Kate, as you know really.

x-post

Charlie, I don't see a thread about anyone else except me here.

Physically removing yourself from the situation, if you're at a computer, can mean stepping away from the computer. Sometimes it's hard to remember you can do this when you're at work.

xpost with sara

1) who is this person?
2) what do they mean to me?
3) why is their opinion important?
4) why should their opinion affect me and my life? everyone has their opinion however ill-formed, and we must strive to tolerate that
5) what things could i be doing that would benefit me better rather than responding to this nobhead (e.g. going to get a glass of water/stretching your links/reading another thread or interesting, informative article...)

you may continue flirting with me if that serves a useful distraction

Lauren, that's a good idea. Sometimes it's easier to think things through and see them rationally when they're written down.

But often if I write something down, that actually makes me think about it *more*. Instead of calming me down, it actually gets me more wound up.

(Especially the bit where you say it's perfectly OK to flirt with you.)

I have no answer to the original question. Online, people don't get to me b/c I can just click somewhere else.

Real life, knock their ass out. problem solved.

Maybe that's what HSA was getting at, with the "involuntary self expression" thing. When someone insults you, it's often because you remind them of their own worst faults. I know I'm guilty of this. So I have to remember that it works both ways. It's not even intended for you, they're just yanking their own particular chain.

Self-control doesn't magically occur, Kate; it's not bottled. I think what we're all saying is that you build the ability to ignore the flamers/idiots through experience: BEFORE you respond to them, think:

1) If you know you're pissed, don't hit submit. It's easier to come up with cutting setdowns when sober. (Not saying you are, but I've seen enough ILXors come back the day after a drunk post with "WTF did I say?")

2)Does this person's opinion really matter? If so, why?

yes of course, it's a loose anaolgy but apt at times I feel. Especially in teaching them how to be good writers with a natural voice. (which is what the state expects us to make them) This is really hard for me since, for the most part, writing's something that's just always come to me naturally. (also adding to the difficulty is their inability to grasp the basic mechanics of our language. see teachers in not being miracle workers non-shockah)

porn-post again.

Thankfully no one actually, genuinely makes me angry on ILX (possibly until we get an overt racist in here or something) and the people that should actually just appear very amusing to me. I am aware that not everyone has the luxury of feeling this way.

: ' (

honestly.

Also in Seattle, you have to occasionally deal with certain crazy women at online cafes, but I'll let Elvis T and Stockholm Cindy elaborate on the ignoring part... hahahahaha

I once had some teenage gutter-punks in Austin throw bottles at me when I wouldn't give them money.

It's given me some very useful advice. But also some very useful practice! Ha ha!

mastering the art of ignoring people is basically mastering patience. Mastering patience, unfortunately, is not really an exact science. It very much depends on what your environment is, Kate, and unless I know every detail of your day-to-day environment (which I don't expect you to divulge) then it's hard to give serious advice on how to ignore people.

I've learned, contrarily, that the best way to deal with people you want to ignore is to, in fact, engage them in the most superficial but kindest way possible. Take Seattle beggar kids. Completely ignoring them usually will only raise their ire and increase their frustration and persistance. I usually instead tell me "Sorry, man, I'm out today". Or if you get one of the more odd ones that like to follow you around, there's a 99% chance that they are completely harmless and attention starved, so I just let me follow me and I just talk with them very calmly but minimally, and then gently say "hey, i've got to get going here, but have a good day, ok?". I have no idea whether that's "good" advice or not. But these are the only people I feel like wanting to ignore in this city, and so far, this technique has worked pretty well and has made feel a lot less anxious and stressful about it.

Haha, sometimes i tell them that too.

The look occasionally works for me.

I find it's actually worse when you're driving... Seattle drivers are so fucking tentative that it's unsafe. At a four-way stop it's like a bad comedy routine:

You go.
No, you go.
No, you.
Okay, I'll go.
Okay, I'll go.
Whoa. We both went and almost collided!... You go.
No, you go.
...

I agree about the writing it out thing too, but you do have to control the impulse to hit send!

The weird thing is, I'm actually quite reasonable at dealing with face to face interactions. With beggars, I've found that the easiest way not to get bothered is to make eye contact, smile politely, shake your head and say "I'm sorry." Maybe English street people are more polite, but 9 times out of 10, they say "thanks anyway" or even "have a good day" - because even though you haven't given any money, you have given respect and acknowledgment that they are a human being. And in a city like this, that counts for something.

Of course, this doesn't work in a situation where you have a history with a person. It doesn't help matters to say "OK, I recognise that you are a human being, and even though you disgust me so utterly you make my flesh crawl, you have a right to your opinions, and I don't care enough about them to fight." (Because obviously, if you've cared enough about them to build up a history, you do care enough to fight.)

Donna, you have so hit the nail on the head. I have this absolute compulsion to get the last word in, and to Have My Say. In some way, I feel like it reflects badly on me if someone gets in a dig or insult at me, (or my friends - sometimes it's actually worse if I see someone I dislike picking a fight with someone I care about) and I don't even make the attempt to defend myself or them.

Of course, "defending yourself" makes things ten times worse. If you stoop to their level, they have automatically won.

I have to stop seeing it as a sign of weakness to walk away from an argument. Or rather, recognise patience or forbearance or self control as much of a strength.

Swear.

Also if you are tempted to wind up another poster, it's worth remembering that it's not worth dishing out what you can't yourself take.

yes, exactly. and sometimes it's not even a response to an insult; sometimes i just wanna call someone on the sheer idiocy of what they're saying but i have to hold my tongue because i KNOW that whatever i say to them is bound to cause a shitstorm of hypersensitivity. and it's not a matter of wanting to make anyone smarter, it's that i hate letting their idiocy stand unnoticed. but what are ya gonna do...