what's the funniest sentence or two or paragraph you read today? stuff from ilx not allowed!

"Are you the bird off mono who likes getting her arse reamed?"

Linked to on ILX, but still.

Irrepressible racontuer = could bore for England

This made me snarf hot chocolate all over myself.

Others include:

Uncompromising ladies' man = borderline rapist
Vivacious = alcoholic
His door was always open, day or night = professor with eye for the student body
Did not suffer fools gladly = bad-tempered harridan
He never married = homosexual
Loved the outdoor life = was unhappily married

(about a test) I got 7 out of 10! That's like... 60 percent!

'I repeat no one in this industry has ever come up HIV positive from a facial cumshot. Is this self serving? Do I have an agenda? Yes, since I make my living on facial cumshots. But if I made my living shooting anal creampies, the last anal creampie I shot would be the last anal creampie I ever shot.

I sincerely hope everyone else will say the same. '

"I see, I see, I see," said the doctor and, turning to Ivan, he added, "How do you do!"

"Hello, saboteur!" Ivan replied loudly, with venom.

Asked about such antagonism, Wolfowitz said, "I wish they'd have the -- whatever it takes -- to come tell me to my face."

He said that by contrast, he had been "struck at how many fairly senior officers have come to me" to tell him that he and Rumsfeld have made the right decisions concerning the Army.

That's too pure.

The one woman in the audience who offered a different construction of this behavior, who insisted the styles we aspire to do not simply reflect the free play of fashion or female nature - who went so far, indeed, as to claim that we "are brainwashed to think blond hair and blue eyes is the most beautiful of all," was regarded with a hostile silence. Then, a few moments later, someone challenged: "Is there anything WRONG with blue eyes and blond hair?" The audience enthusiastically applauded the defender of democratic values.

It is a paradox of the times that during a presidential election that has been shaped in large measure by women, when a female candidate was ridiculed for wearing pantsuits and the mere mention of lipstick takes on a sexist connotation, the political implications of the public display of breasts went by largely unnoticed as the fashion world was deciding what women will be wearing at the beginning of the next administration.

(about a test) I got 7 out of 10! That's like... 60 percent!

"The materialist explanation of the creation has nothing to offer - if we came from nothing and go into nothing, then that encourages people to lead reckless and materialistic lifestyles.

"Evolution is a world-view that leads to futility. It's no wonder people are dissatisfied with it."

Garibaldi reacted like the man in P.G. Wodehouse who has "just been given the bird by the girl and is thinking of looking in at the Rocky Mountains and bumping off a few bears.

(in David Gilmour's NYRB review of Garibaldi: Citizen of the World)

Not read per se, but the funniest thing I've heard in the past day is this interview with movie producer Al Rudd about cozying up Ayn Rand to get the film rights to Atlas Shrugged.

"If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures," Scott Fitzgerald wrote of Jay Gatsby, "then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life." That assessment could do service for [former Manchester City boss Malcolm] Allison, too.
-- Guardian, today

"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nine of Diamonds
This is another thing that really gets my goat up about specifically lower league football. Just because they support lower-league teams, they assume that they are automatically superior to others that don't.

Seriously, get over yourselves. You're just another fan. Not part of some super-race of fans.

I wouldn't exactly say the Championship is necessarily lower league. Yes, it is outside the PL, but my idea of lower league is more like League Two, maybe even the conference.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nine of Diamonds
The most knowledgable person about football that I know is a Manchester United fan. Not only football stats, but actually knowing football. But of course, he is sub-human because he wears a red shirt.

Is your Manchester Uniterd supporting friends from Manchester? or not?If not, he's a fan of a business which happens to play football, it wpould be me now supporting Lloyds TSB or Santander because they are strong in the world of finance now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nine of Diamonds
It seems that they are "proper fans" because they prefer "real football". They obviously don't realise how pretentious they sound. The Premiership is as real as the Combined Counties League. OK, there's a hell of a lot of money. The players are overpaid - but I'd prefer the money going to them than behind the scenes.

It's more like a business. Anything that is so dedepdent on money is closer to business than sport. Whereas international football is not necessarily decided by such factors-if it was, England would have won something with the golden generation by now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nine of Diamonds
I also don't see how the Big 4 are ruining football. Maybe having a "Big 4" is detrimental to the game. But what are the "Big 4" supposed to do about that? Deliberately underperform to make it more "interesting" (And then be open to accusations of match-fixing)

They are ruining football here by just hoovering up the best players from other clubs and abroard by dominating Europe through either rich owners or exorbitant ticket prices or even Sky. One consolation is that what goes up must come down, and the higher the rise, the bigger the crash. Just like with the Italian League when Fiorentina, Parma and others hit the buffers. Now in Italy, they may have rules about levels of debt for football clubs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nine of Diamonds
And another thing I don't get is that this "foreigners are stunting the development of home-grown players". If they are good enough then they will play, no matter what nationality. And if they get moved on, they can always drop down a division and prove themselves there. If the players are good enough they will find their level. Matthew Upson left Arsenal and went to Birmingham and West Ham, and is now an England international. Robbie Savage was released by Man Utd, then went to Crewe and became a Wales international. David Platt did the same thing.

Not necessarily stunting the growth but competition here and abroard and it's the same with the other big 2 or 3 Leagues. But more than that, it is alays good to have a fair smattering of local players in your side, to help them identify with their local area. Celtic won the European Cup in the 1960's with a team made up of players born in Glasgow."

Slightly more than a paragraph but this interview with Paul Hanley of The Fall about an altercation with Smith after a bad gig in Australia in 1982 had me in stitches (as did the rest of the article)

"After the gig we were all invited to a small underground disco near to our hotel, which was to remain our after gig headquarters for the next couple of weeks.

Shortly after entering the building, one of the more disconcerting effects of jet lag kicked in and we all began to feel as lively as spring chickens. (I know what you’re thinking here, but I can truthfully say, hand on heart, that no artificial stimulants were involved. Honestly, jetlag, that’s all it was.)

When they put on ‘Rock the Casbah’ we could contain ourselves no longer and took to the dance floor. We seemed to do everything as a four-piece in those days. It must have been bloody annoying. Indeed , as it turns out, one person was particularly peeved. I didn’t see it coming, but it seems Mark took a certain amount of umbrage at our throwing shapes. The first I knew about it was when he appeared in front of me and slapped me in the face. Although it was done in such a way that could just conceivably be construed as a joke, (he was smiling, and let’s face it, blokes don’t usually slap each other, do they?) I certainly didn’t take it as one. Nor did anyone else, as it happens. (He’d done the same to all four of us, one at a time.) Where, he wondered, had we got the energy to dance after playing the worst gig of our collective careers?

I was a little annoyed, it has to be said. Who did he think he was? Who the hell goes round slapping people? Not to mention the fact we’d spent most of the evening waiting for him to get his bony arse out of bed. Unfortunately, both he and I knew exactly who he was. I didn’t mention his tardiness; I didn’t say or do anything. I was so shocked he could have kicked me in the balls and I’d have probably stood there like an idiot.

Marc, on this occasion at least, had no such qualms. He quickly followed Mr Smith off the dance floor to a secluded corner and planted him one. No more than he could have expected, under the circumstances. Mark E., predictably, collapsed like he’d been hit with a steam iron. ‘Help! I’m being attacked!’ He cried, as he does on these occasions. Various people rushed over and helped him up and it was all over. Handbags, really, just like every drunken brawl, in every club, ever. (The word ‘brawl’ even lends it a certain gravitas that was missing at the time.) Marc apologised, Mark apologised, hands were shaken. It looked like the altercation might have actually cleared the air and even strengthened their relationship.

Well, that scenario lasted about 12 hours (during most of which we were asleep), and it was back to trench warfare between the two factions. The trip to the third floor of the hotel with your singer can take a mighty long time when you’re not speaking and avoiding eye contact, I can tell you. It was, for a while, like you imagine Fleetwood Mac to be, or maybe The Rolling Stones at their most uncooperative, with two factions who didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence. It didn’t last long but it was a particularly horrible state of affairs."