Horrible Roommates

I had to do this with a flatmate once who helped himself to my system and also let his friends do so.

Dont compromise your hard work, no matter how much she complains!

IN A HOUSE

SOMETIMES BY MYSELF

AND HIM

http://www.kuci.org/~nraggett/NedAlan.jpg

SHE BE A TYRIN TA POISIN YQA

That on in the bottom right hand corner looks like it already has some dump on it. Totally do-able.

Is your roommate an old retarded lady?

OMG KIRSTEN LIVED WITH THE EURO PRINCESS FROM KING RALPH OMG

Be glad you're moving out. If you had to be the one to issue the walking papers, but really wanted to make the person decide to leave of their own volition, I'd have many suggestions as am something of an expert at this.

haha but kirsten, it was so classic when she stumbled home so proud of the wayne gretsky poster she stole from that bar! is she still banned from there?

two courses of action.

1. if person owns up to eating something, make eww face, "you didnt?!!! er, you didnt notice the mould, oh im so sorry"

for more persistent offenders

2, leave specially designated foodstuffs which are purposely for them. these foodstuffs should be tampered with in some way. either just mould, perhaps the addition of a single maggott or a fly. the foodstuff should be pristine in all other ways so that they eat some and then discover. again, horror and apologies should be expressed, "oh you poor thing!"

1. let the roommate overhear you talking with a friend. the friend can either be at your place, or on the phone (in which case you have to repeat what you 'hear' incredulously down the phone)

"what, steve, that guy thats always eating your food? you did WHAT? you jacked off in your own pasta sauce?!?! serious? what, and he stole it, man, you are COLD, that is terrible. he didnt notice! NOOO! ewww, that guys eaten your cum, i could never do anything like that....i think"

or, your friend could 'remind' you of when you did something similar, in your 'wilder days', to which you would go, come on, that was a long time ago, i wouldnt do anything like that now. roommate to overheard whole conversation. in fact friend could tell roommate direct, while you 'cringe' with embarrassment

I heard this trick from a flight attendant. Don't piss off flight attendants.

i'm handling the summers fine. just drink a lot of water and don't spend a lot of time outside in the middle of the day (if you can help it).

On the other side of my closet lies his bedroom. So, I knelled under my shirts hanging up and pressed my ear to the wall, the wool of my sweaters tickling my face. I couldn't hear anything but a murmur of chatter, and my hopes of learning something about my new roommate were crushed. Why did he have a guest over at such an hour? When I left the closet, it was nearing eleven. I had wanted to learn what he was up to, but it wasn't until the next morning that I found out.

I woke up at six, my usual time, for my usual routine of ten push-ups and ten sit-ups. After my morning exercise, I went to the kitchen to prepare my regular breakfast: two scrambled eggs, one glass of orange juice, one glass of milk, and four sausages. I was thrown aback at the sight of a half-empty six pack of Yuengling beers in my refrigerator. My refrigerator! With Chinese beer! The sight of it put me at such unease that I had forgotten to take out my eggs. When the sausages were finished cooking, the smell of that beer still lingering in my nostrils made me lose my appetite. From the very first morning I knew that Michael was bad news.

I am normally a thinking, rationale person. I don't do drugs, and I never had. My body and my mind are in peak condition, I keep a structured regimen of diet and exercise, and thus I am well suited to make sound decisions. When I met Michael though, I had made a grave error. It had been almost a year since my last roommate had moved out, and mother was becoming increasingly upset about paying double the rent. Michael told his sob story. Him and his fiance, who he had chosen to live with pre-marriage, had come to a separation. She was keeping the house, so he was looking for a room to rent. When he found my Internet posting, he was still in a hotel. For whatever reason, I gave into base emotions and wrote him up a lease without adequately checking his background. At this point, it was clear I had made a mistake.

It was the third day that I realized I had to leave. Michael, it appeared, was an abuser. It was a Thursday nearing midnight that I awoke to a rhythmic banging sound coming from my closet. I leaped out of bed to my listening post, and with my ear pressed against the wall I was just in time to hear his furious grunts and her pained groaning. I couldn't stand to hear some innocent girl suffer, and I ran back into my room and slammed the closet door behind me. Should I have called the police? Thinking about the confrontation I may have with Michael, what he may do to me – and my home! – I chose not to interfere with him, as despicable as he may have been. It took me hours to fall back to sleep, and my dreams that night were terrifying.

The next morning, when I left my room to prepare breakfast, she was there in the kitchen.

“Good morning,” she said.

She was wearing a long sleeve shirt to hide the shameful bruises that lay underneath. Thinking about her mangled torso I was too disgusted to face her and returned to my room. It was the second day since Michael had moved in that my breakfast routine had been interrupted. My disgust lay not only with Michael, the abuser, but with her also, in such a reckless abandonment of personal responsibility allowing herself to fall into his trap. I imagined her sitting in some sleazy bar with him, drinking Chinese beer, and then agreeing to come look at his book collection or whatever bait he lay. And now, what had he done to convince her to stay? Did he have a gun? I knew I had to move.

a month after she's moved in, we have a falling out over something incredibly stupid. i make an attempt to reconcile but NME refuses to try and make up.

after thoroughly researching my legal options, i give her 30 days to move out. if she moved out before the 30 days, id refund her whatever portion of her rent money she was giving me.

a month passes and she starts moving stuff... to the second floor of the house. it seems my roommates, whom she's become best pals with during this period, said she could live with them. i rightfully flip out on all of them.

since there was only two months left in the lease, id leave it be. all three roommates were moving out [i was staying], so id be rid of them soon.

fast forward to them moving out. it seems as if they've completely left the house and in the middle of the living room is a mountain of garbage -- trash, broken paintings, skateboards, a punching bag, the middle section of a minivan seat etc. since there was nothing indicating that they wanted these items, i threw them out the following week.

the very next day at work, they come into the store and start screaming at me. apparently they did want that stuff. coldly, i told them the lease was up over a week ago and never told me via telephone, note or even face-to-face that they were going to return for those belongings. they get all flustered by my trump card move and leave.

that weekend im out at an art opening when im approached by this friend of theirs. apparently i threw out his minivan seat and he wanted me to pay for it. we argued and of course, i refused to pay him for it. why was it in my house in the first place?

i thought that was the end of the drama when a few days later this kid starts posting on a local messageboard about how he's going to kick my ass over throwing out his van seat. internet drama ensues.

my landlord [who was my original roommate - all these clowns were temporary ones] moves back in and i explain the whole situation. he's not thrilled that i had an extra tenant there but was less thrilled to hear that she didnt move out when asked to leave. i believe he refused to refund them their security deposits over this.

in a strange twist of events, i am actually friends with the minivan seat kid and am quite fond of his band. i refuse to acknowledge the other three's existence if i happen to see them out, which is rare.

also, i should point out that when my ex roommates moved, their new place was two blocks north of my home.

what i learned: never to live with friends, vegans [who oddly disliked vegetables], hardcore and college kids ever again. i know thats a stupid generalization but whatevs.

Anyway, sorry, as you were.