okay, I need some advice for a friend in serious depression

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He's already got issues dealing with a lot of stuff, and then came the kicker this morning, finding out that the same day that his grandfather killed himself back in PA, and his best friend who lives in Ohio killed himself as well. The same fucking day. He's in a terrible state right now, and I don't know what the hell to say to him, and right now all I can think to do is let him be for the moment or just say "sorry", and I'm not sure if I should try to do more or not. I'm worried about the guy.

― Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 17:06 (twenty-one years ago)

jesus, I'm at a loss, that's just horrible. If you can manage and he's up for it, maybe you can be his travel companion so he doesn't feel so alone as he goes to the funeral(s).

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 17:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I wish I could make it and go with him, but it doesn't look like I can. He's gotta fly back to PA from L.A.

― Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 17:23 (twenty-one years ago)

get in contact with any mutual friends you may have in Pa and make sure they are there for him.

tell him your phone is always on.

send him flowers, candy, hookers

― kephm, Wednesday, 26 May 2004 17:57 (twenty-one years ago)

It sounds as if he has every reason to be miserable, and I sympathise. If it's genuine clinical depression, the thing I have found helps is having something to do, and someone to do it with* - and knowing that your friends care about you (these can easily be combined) is very important too.

*Besides anything else, it is dangerously easy to get into avoiding doing anything, when in such states, so company helps you do things, which is always better than sitting around moping. This can all just be sitting talking with friends, not necessarily special activities or tasks.

Anyway, good luck with your friend.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 18:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Whatever else, this guy needs to be in frequent contact with people who care about him. Physically present in the same room with him, if at all possible. What they say or do is less important than showing up and staying.

― Aimless (Aimless), Wednesday, 26 May 2004 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

go out drinking together, get falling down drunk, and bitch about the state of the world. for serious -- it helps a great deal.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Careful with alcohol, it excerbates depression.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:20 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, but with company and shared rage at existence its v. v. cleansing!

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, I'm just saying be careful. If the person in question already has an alcohol problem [a lot of depressive people do], it's a really bad thing to do.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:22 (twenty-one years ago)

true adam,

I'm at the point now where i just plain old don't drink when i'm upset. Alcohol magnifies any feelings/moods you're in I find.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Me too. I've done it once or twice recently, but given the way things are currently, I honestly don't think it'd make me any more depressed.

Anyway, I only drink to excess when I'm happy and the next day's clear, because the potential negative effects of alcohol scare me.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:26 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah same here.

How are your legs today btw?

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I'll tell you in the mongrel thread. :)

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:31 (twenty-one years ago)

ok, i understnad but nah i'm not hanging about in there no more. I'll read it but I can't reply.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry, just don't want to hijack this thread. :)

In short: Walking thanks to the magic of gaffa tape; new soles come in tomorrow.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:37 (twenty-one years ago)

it's gonna sound pretty guidance counselor of me but I think the most important and helpful thing any friend can do is just to listen.

― hstencil (hstencil), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:38 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, i know why. I have a bad habit of hijacking threads and i'm glad you pulled me up on it before it was too late.

...anyhow, back to the topic:

Yeah, I agree with what everyone said about actually physically being there. If people keep saying, yeah we care about you, blah blah blah but never actually do anything to show it, the cynical mind of a depressed person will see straight through it. But if you're there, hanging about, being supportive thats the surest way to show that you really do care. Apart from that the person has to want to help themselves, although in this scenario obviously theres a grieving period to get through.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Very true, although speaking as a person currently at the nadir of a 3-4 year depression, there are times when nothing anyone can do -- or doesn't do, as the case may be -- can help. There's nothing predictable about it, ever. Sometimes I like having someone around, sometimes I don't want anyone near me. So while you don't know what to do, the depressive person won't know what can be done either. It's a very weird situation with no easy solution.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:46 (twenty-one years ago)

oh i know that for sure adam.

trust me, i've been in a psych ward for major depression and my husband has been suffering from it for as long as I can remember. Depression sucks and it's so frustrating being around someone that depressed because often times, as you say, there's just nothing you can do.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:50 (twenty-one years ago)

That's awful.

I'm lucky in a way, in that I know exactly what's causing my depression, and I know exactly what to do in order to end it. I really, really feel for people who suffer the kind of depression that isn't easily escapable.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh inactivity and not keeping myself busy usually does it to me, but I do recognise that for many others the answer isn't that easy to find, especially when in a case like this two incredibly traumatic events have impacted on the person in a very short space of time.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Thursday, 27 May 2004 03:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah. The poor guy will be really very delicate. I feel for you too Gear, for being in your position. Being around is really all you can do. Listen heaps. Be a sponge for him if he needs to vent.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 27 May 2004 04:05 (twenty-one years ago)

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