Young people these days.

Hold on, a child playing on the street? Shouldn't they all be inside with their Playstations, cowering from paedophiles and subsisting on Pot Noodles and Sunny Delight?

... this is Britain after all

Chill out grandad! heh!

Did Mr Ballsup go on one of the Silver Surfer courses that the libraries are running these days to teach pensioners how to use computers?

Actually, yes I did and a fat lot of good did it do me. What's wrong with writing a letter by hand once in a while, after all it takes a lot less time than typing the whole thing out on a keyboard.

He got his grandson to type it up and post it for him and gave him a Werther's Original in return - ruffling his sandy hair affectionately as he did so

Hmm, maybe just a tight mofo if all he gave him was a fuxing werthers!

Kids love 'em - no hold on, that's Dairylea triangles

No, kids will eat Dairylea triangles until the cows come home.

"They're Dairylea mad, them kids"

Werthers Original my arse. Those pestulant things only came out a few years ago, and besides I would never give my grandson a sickly boiled sweet for the simple frivolity of typing up an e-mail - he should be overjoyed to help out his own uncle. And if he isn't, then I can just break one of his toys - it's as simple as that.

It's high time people stopped taking things for granted and going around expecting "rewards" for things they ought to be doing for me anyway.

uncle/grandson? hmmm...

grandpa one minute, uncle the next....that kid isn't related to you at all is he, you abducted him didn't you?

Call the police! It's paedo-geddon!

The British Isles has become the Paedoph Isles

PERVERT!

A long-suffering colleague was waiting in the queue at Sainsburys to pay for his pipe tobacco, when he was left dumbstruck by the fact that the girl behind the counter had taken a full two minutes to serve the first customer.
Without hesitation, I decided to take this opportunity to spend the rest of the afternoon doing some intensive research in the library.
According to the 1976 edition of Chambers Encyclopaedia of Tardiness, the official amount of time it should take a female between the ages of 16 and 24 to serve a paying customer at the cigarette counter in a supermarket should be 7.5 seconds per item.
Considering that her victim was buying nothing more than a packet of Heidecksi and some extra-strong mints, surely the power of mathematics dictates that our impunctual shop clerk should not have taken any longer than 15 seconds to dish out the goods.
The signs all point the same way, and that way is towards a nation of no-good ingrates who need a damn good kick where the sun don’t shine.
Luckily my irate colleague noted the name of the operator and Sainsburys have assured us that she will be sacked in due course.
This is the price you pay, Jenny Tasker of Sainsbury’s Letchworth Branch, for falling victim to the temptations of sloth.
Oh and don’t worry about not being able to pay your way through university - my colleague also notes that you are exceedingly ugly and probably won’t make a great deal of friends there - let alone get a shag which is the only reason I can imagine you’re going there because you’re so fucking thick too.

- Jonathan Ballsup