love vs. stability: FITE

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

for stability read: financial, emotional, spiritual, whatevah...

over the last several years i have chosen one over the other (take a wild guess which one), and since it was less a mistake than a blind alley (all loves which weren't just down the road, which had to be shot for, scrambled after, paid for at times), i have sacrificed nice places to live, automobiles, medical care...hell, i haven't owned a winter coat or a new pair of boots in two or three years...and of course the "costs" have not just been tangibles...much of my mental health has gone right out the window...but for those luxuries i have traded moments - however brief - of sometimes intense bliss. i find myself staring down the same barrel right now, but more secure than ever before. better money, great fucking benefits, bills and debt going down...and i want to toss it all away for lurve. am i insane? or is upward (or sideways, in my case) mobility no substitute for love?

― jess, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

new neurotic answers.

― jess, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I believe that there's a thing called love, but that it is next to impossible to share between two people unless those two people are of a certain mindset. Otherwise, it's a tangle of emotions and interdependency. Interestingly, self-love is all that's necessary to have a solid foundation for happiness. It's when other people get involved that you lose control. So, love vs. stabilty = unstable love is not love :: question is suspect.

― Nude Spock, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Been lurking for a long time, how poetic that the subject of love brings me out of my electronic shell. Felt the urge to reply since I've much been going through the same myself recently...but I'm led to believe that one must go for love every time, as that is all human beans think about anyways. Say you have a situation of the utmost stability, you'll never enjoy it because the only thing you long for is a real love. That's not saying you won't long for stability along side a passionate love, but there's something about love that makes hardships seem bearable. aarrrggghhh.

― will__, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Can't you have it all? Surely, apart of love is security, companionship etc..and not just an intense emotion that tears you apart and rips your world asunder? I think, that the best love would be one where you have the stability. Is it really a choice here? Can you not go for love and take on board whatever financial hardship and start again?

I know what I'm trying to say. I'm just not putting it across very well. I would say love, but also remain sensible, save money, look at the job situation etc. But ultimately, if you can be with someone you love, then you should. Just make careful and considered plans. Best wishes.

― james, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Is it just stability you're sacrificing though jess? Is it just luxuries? If it is, then hell yeah, it's got to be totally worth it. But if it's any more than that, you might not be doing yourself (or anybody) any favours. I kind of think that people should put themselves first at least one time in their lives before are truly able to make sacrifices for the sake of others. There always seems to be some overly detrimental effect to the self that cancels out all the goodness of it, if you know at all what I mean. I guess what I'm asking is if you think you're selfish enough? Weird question I know...

― Kim, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Or what James said. And that Nude dude up there who beat me to the punch.

― Kim, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

no, kim, exactly the right question actually. it's not just luxuries...by stability, i suppose i really mean sanity. jess = finding love in all the wrong places, aka not his general geographic area. jess also seemingly finding love who cannot do the moving for him (because of school, career, etc.) jess, typically, is rootless (i.e. no school, no "serious" job) enough that he's the one who has to contemplate the move. even when the affair fizzles or the love dries away before he has a chance to make said move, he's been constantly living his life in a state of perpetual wishing-he-was- somewhere-else, planning-to-be-somewhere-else. he has rarely, if ever, in the last four or five years, seemed to be able to enjoy his location and environs, his job and his money, etc.

― jess, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeah, I had a feeling. Been there too. But I didn't go through with it. It was weird because I knew I had next to nothing here to keep me tied down, and it made "sense" that I would be the one to move, but it was like at least it was *my* nothing. I just couldn't bear the thought of being dropped into the middle of someone else's life and being such an appendage. I'm not saying this will be you though. I do think a person can define themselves anywhere if they're ready to draw that line - I guess I just knew that I wasn't, or maybe I did, but anyway... don't know if I'm helping or making worse.

― Kim, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

no "answers" is to be expected. just talking about it, however = helping.

― jess, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Well let me ask you something else then, do you feel as if maybe you already know what's right for you, somewhere deep down and you're just looking to be externally persuaded to do it (or to do the opposite!), or is this genuine confusion where your gut isn't saying anything either way?

― Kim, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Jess, at least you have a few moments of bliss to show for it. Better to have loved and lost than never to blah blah blah... The emotional sacrifice in my life usually involves trading comfortable boring solitude for frustrated and usually unrequited love. As for the moments of bliss, in my short life they've been few and far between. I know I need to quit wanking about how things have turned out, especially if I ant them to change, but I just don't know how to be loved. I know how to throw my heart to the wolves, sure...but I don't think I would recognise love if it bit me in the ass.

― emoboy, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

If I just gave up hope and drank myself into a stupor every night and played up the tortured artist side to my personality would I be more attractive? Girls?

― turner, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

my four top tips for irresistability are listed on "run away run away", turner

being drunk sure ain't one of 'em (of course they = evil catnip to ME, which may not suit your banking needs)

― mark s, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I thought I found love, and then it went away and I've been confused ever since.

To answer the question, are you really "throwing it all away" for love? I mean everything really isn't at risk like you make it. Ok, maybe your emotional stability is, but that's always at risk, right?

I have a first date tonight, btw. We're meeting for dessert. You'll hear all about it if I can work it into somebody else's thread.

― Sean, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks for the tips Mark. I'm still awaiting advice from the fair sex.

― turner, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i choose people over possessions every time. there ain't no competition

― di, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

depends on the people doesn't it? I'd trade well no, thats another story. I'm not sure about the love side of things, but if it does exist upward mobility is hardly a rewarding substitute. all work and no play makes Jess a dull boy... :)

― Menelaus Darcy, Sunday, 4 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Can these threads be bookmarked even after they've been archived down below?

(Apologies for the randomness of this question, but the topic vaguely relates to my thesis.)

― Mascara, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

yes

― Ed, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

So if I bookmark it now, it won't change once it's archived?

(That was my intended question. This just shows you that you shouldn't type words into a computer after sitting at one for over 12 hours...)

― Mascara, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

'Love' 'stability '- both ideas come from the delusion that the world will stay still for you.

― dave q, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i have neither...it's kinda fun.

― Geoff, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i have a question for you, jess. do you think you're unintentionally looking for long-distance love? i'm speaking from my own experiences here—i was a chronic long-distance romancer from my first boyfriend ('94) until last year. and i think it was in large part for two reasons: one, i really didn't like myself much and didn't think someone was going to want to put up with me on a regular basis (and to be honest, the prospect of someone wanting to do so was quite terrifying), two, i wanted excitement in my life, excitement that i knew was going to be fleeting and filled with moments! of! drama! borne of the situation itself, not to mention all the old-style romantic elements that come with it—lots of poetic pining, e-mails that take the place of the flowery letters that have become so ensconced in the canon of romance throughout the years, and so on and so on.

sorry if i'm sounding pedantic. i just heard some bits in your posts that sounded a bit like things that have come out of my head. and i'm learning it's quite possible for love and stability to coexist; indeed, it's quite necessary.

― maura, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

rule of thumb w.addictions: those conventionally dislikable aspects of an addiction, that you tell yourself you are "putting up with", are in fact the things YOU SEEK AND LIKE, only you have no good explanation to yrself why you like em (cuz conventionally they are dislikeable) so you blame "addiction" which in fact btw does not exist

[mark s indicates the half dozen junkies he has known and er fancied over the years who ONE DAY — well ok month — JUST GAVE UP AND NEVER LOOKED BACK]

― mark s, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

yeah, what they said.

― Kim, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I have just left a totally stable 6-year relationship to indulge myself in the most wonderful love I could ever imagine. I'm happier than I have ever been & totally believe that following your heart rather than your head can work.

― julia, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!

― Sarah, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

maura and kim (and everyone else): these are good and smart and pertinent questions and i WILL answer them, but i am at work right now and having the MOST PRODUCTIVE DAY IN THE UNIVERSE (go me, it's my birthday), so twill be later on.

― jess, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Happy birthday Jess!

It sounds like you need to do some soul searching to figure out what you really want and what steps you need to take first. If it's giving yourself roots then maybe you should focus on that now instead of pursuing a new relationship. I think it's easy for some people to focus on making something work with someone else to avoid making *themselves* work. I have been this person before.

That said, six months ago I uprooted myself to move to a new city and be with Hank. It's been tough. .finding a job, trying to make new friends, a new life. But for me it was worth it. I wasn't going anywhere when I met him and it was a good time personally for me to make the move. Now, though, I have to get serious about bringing my life together for myself. Man (or woman) can't live on romantic love alone. :)

― Samantha, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Having got on someone's case for this last week it would be hypocritical of me not to say at this point that offline arguments/feuds shouldn't be allowed to cross onto the board and make it more unpleasant. I should also say that so far I don't think that's happening.

― Moderator Tom, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

5 posts from this thread have been deleted, as per warning above. I'm happy to accept the usual brickbats and talk of censorship but I don't think it's in anyone's interest that the material concerned stayed on the boards.

― Moderator Tom, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Incidentally from how on when I (and I'd suggest DG does this too) delete posts and threads I'm saving a copy. This is so that:

i. If the people concerned want to keep what they wrote they can ask me for it.

ii. If the writers plus a lot of the board thinks the moderator(s) have gone too far they can reprint the thread at their discretion.

I will not send these copies to anyone without permission of the writers.

― Tom, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I should also say that so far I don't think that's happening.

5 posts from this thread have been deleted, as per warning above.

Huh? I don't understand. Did someone post these 5 posts straught after your warning, then?

― Nick, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

The posts leading up to the post in question were deleted, too, yeah.

― Tom, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

And to answer the obvious qn "why" - because I didn't want to be partisan.

― Tom, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I keep records of majorly important stuff I delete, usually when whole threads have to go.

― DG, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

everywhere i go...trouble follows. i promise only to use my powers for good instead of evil from now on.

― jess, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

My meeting ended early and so I decided to kill some time in an EasyEverything. I've deleted 20 messages. Please, Kate and Paul, if you really have to keep doing this publically, go to the LUSENET front page and start a new forum. I talked to DG about this yesterday and he's with me, so it's really not partisan. I really don't care who's right, I don't care who gets the last word, but all you're doing now is frightening and upsetting your friends, i.e. the people who do care, and giving a kick to all the voyeurs out there.

― Moderator Tom, Tuesday, 6 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i'm just doing it. fuck it.

― jess, Wednesday, 7 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.