Weird patrons at your workplace

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

They're not great folks, they're not evil ones. They're weird, and they make you feel uncomfortable and you wish they would go away.

So just now, the grad student who was worried about a small fine on a late book, and whose role model appeared to be David Schwimmer circa 1994 (I'm thinking the phone ad he did around that time). He pays $4 and says "You cleaned me out, heh heh," and more nervous laughter follows. I give him his receipt, renew his other books, things seem normal, then he says, regarding another book he has with him, "Hey, can I get a bag for this?" I look bewildered, he laughs even more nervously and loudly and he walks away talking to himself.

Oh dear. (Mind you, two minutes later a really cool person whose phone number I've wanted to ask for a while just gave it to me when she passed by the desk, so it all balances out.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 1 October 2004 15:04 (twenty years ago) link

The man who looks at feet on the internet at the library. We can't really say, "Sir, that's porn and you're not allowed to view it by the disclaimer that you signed" but we can't really pretend that he's not sitting there looking at pages and pages of toes.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Friday, 1 October 2004 15:34 (twenty years ago) link

Um, my new employee. I think it would be wrong and evil to fire someone for twitching nervously and not being able to shut up, but the thought has crossed my mind.

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Friday, 1 October 2004 16:16 (twenty years ago) link

aw ned and phone number.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Friday, 1 October 2004 16:21 (twenty years ago) link

Well, i am the only "nice" person here, so I get all sorts of clingy recruiters and secretaries calling up just to go through me specifically when I already have a million things on my plate. Only a few more weeks to go...

― The Bitter Tears Of Little Lord Travolta (nordicskilla), Friday, 1 October 2004 16:28 (twenty years ago) link

Ned's a player!

We don't really get any weird people coming into our library, thankfully.

― jel -- (jel), Friday, 1 October 2004 16:50 (twenty years ago) link

one month passes...

Just now:

Patron #1 (a student): *returns book to student assistant whispering something in low voice*

Student Assistant (after patron departs): "God, he was weird!"

Me (reviewing ILX): "Mmm?"

Student Assistant: "He came up and was all whispering, 'Uh, here's the book I'd like to return, huh huh.'"

Me (distractedly and flatly): "People are strange."

Patron #2 (slightly haggard looking grad student who has already lost his card earlier, being helped by student assistant #2): "...you know, that's the name of a song."

Me (after a slight pause): "Yes."

Patron #2 (after a few seconds where he seems ready to launch into a discussion about the Doors but realizes that I'm not exactly caring): "Yeah, the amount of people who know that song is getting smaller every day."

Me: *searches for this thread*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:34 (twenty years ago) link

Please tell me Patron #2 was Bruce McCullough.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:35 (twenty years ago) link

guy comes in & stops at circ desk, staring intently at sensitizing/desensitizing process (is there a real name for this ned?). sees little red light on top flash. hears clunk sound. is transfixed. points. giggles.

comes back next day for more.

― bulbs (bulbs), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:37 (twenty years ago) link

"reviewing ILX"

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:38 (twenty years ago) link

Ned, do you look like a stereotypical Doors fan? Maybe he saw a chance to meet a kindred spirit.

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:39 (twenty years ago) link

Please tell me Patron #2 was Bruce McCullough.

So if my head was veal how much would it cost then?

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:41 (twenty years ago) link

Pizzle are strizzle
when you'za strizzla
Fizzles look butt 'ug when you'za alizzle
Wozzle seem wizzle when you'z unwizzle
Streezles are uneezle when you'z dizzle

When you strizzle
Fizzles come out of the rizzle
When you strizzle
No one remembers your nizzle
When you strizzle
When you strizzle
When you
strizzle

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:41 (twenty years ago) link

Reposted from TITTWIS:

Dudes - I talked to the coolest guy EVER today. He had a southern accent and he called about this headache that he's been having. First he was just a regular dude, describing his pain and so on, then he said that maybe his headaches got aggravated because he'd been riding rollercoasters. He said "I ride rollercoasters like...like some people eat Tic-Tacs." He also said he hadn't gotten much sleep because of getting up early every day to do stuff for Halloween. So I was saying maybe his neck muscles got aggravated or pulled while he was riding the rollercoaster. But he was like "No, my neck doesn't hurt. But I did kind of hurt my arm muscle because I've been carrying around this big jam box all week." He said at first he didn't think the headache was a big deal but then he started feeling nauseous and then he started "pooping" and so he thought he should find out what the problem is. Then right before he hung up he said "Oh - I've got one more question. What about lima beans? Would they be causing any problems? What about bananas?"
-- n/a (nu...), November 4th, 2004 2:35 PM. (Nick A.)

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:42 (twenty years ago) link

Ask donut bitch about how well my critique of the organ solo in "Light My Fire" went over with some random dude in Seattle.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:42 (twenty years ago) link

holy xpost, batman

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:42 (twenty years ago) link

Ask me how when I yelled out Martin's sentiments while walking by some pub in downtown Seattle playing said organ solo a few months ago, how some guy yelled threats at me from the patio!

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:44 (twenty years ago) link

Ned, do you look like a stereotypical Doors fan?

My usual long hair, oblong thin-frame Izod glasses and an all-black Wedding Present T-shirt = who knows?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:44 (twenty years ago) link

I think the Doors are the only band the Wedding Present haven't covered. But I could be wrong.

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:45 (twenty years ago) link

Ned, I think it's the fact that you're drunk all the time and the way you say "high" even when the censors say you can't.

Man I fucking hate the Doors. Especially that solo. Talk about unmusical noodley shite...

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:45 (twenty years ago) link

They should have gotten Crispin Glover to play Ray Manzarek, and Kyle McLachlan to play Andy Warhol.

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:46 (twenty years ago) link

Maybe it's because Ned is the Lizard King?

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:47 (twenty years ago) link

I can dream.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:48 (twenty years ago) link

and then I says to my moms "I wanna shoot my torpizzle in y'allz"

..and I walked on down da hizzle.

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:49 (twenty years ago) link

Anyway, all former and current record store employees to thread.

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:50 (twenty years ago) link

Yes, please! Share!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:56 (twenty years ago) link

staring intently at sensitizing/desensitizing process (is there a real name for this ned?).

That's all I've ever called it!

Ned, I think it's the fact that you're drunk all the time and the way you say "high" even when the censors say you can't.

I don't need your shameless abuse! (Or do I?)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 22:58 (twenty years ago) link

Yes, please! Share!

This thread could fill up from my speaking from my experience alone...

...being one of those weird patrons at the record store, I mean.

― donut christ (donut), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 23:01 (twenty years ago) link

Ned is the Big Lizard King in My Backyard.

I used to work at a coffee shop... Hang on let me thing... I know there are some good ones.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 23:06 (twenty years ago) link

staring intently at sensitizing/desensitizing process (is there a real name for this ned?). sees little red light on top flash. hears clunk sound. is transfixed.

What on jeebus's hairpiece does this all mean?

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 23:50 (twenty years ago) link

library talk.

it means he was REALLY (or maybe permanently) stoned

― bulbs (bulbs), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 23:53 (twenty years ago) link

The last printing company I worked at had a few self-service copiers in the lobby, and we used to get a crazy woman we called "Mrs. Jennings" in all the time. She was obsessed with Peter Jennings, the ABC news anchor — she was convinced they were married and that Peter was only away for a little while on assignment. She wore a sandwich sign of two washboard-sized sheets of metal strung together with yarn — the signs said "PETER ONLY PETER" on both sides.

The front counter staff would clean up in the lobby when she was around so they could spy on what she was copying.... usually it was love letters to Peter. She kept all her messed up copies so nobody had hard evidence of what she was copying, except for one time when she copied some pages and stuck a whole bunch of stuff in a FedEx overnight letter envelope. She left behind one sheet that wound up in the duplex tray, and the service vultures pounced. She was pretty miserable and wished Peter would come back home to her at least for a weekend, and she hoped that the enclosed airline ticket would make it possible for them to meet...

― the apex of nadirs (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 23:55 (twenty years ago) link

fucking hell

― bulbs (bulbs), Wednesday, 17 November 2004 23:58 (twenty years ago) link

wow.

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 18 November 2004 01:53 (twenty years ago) link

I wish you were gear so you could have taken pictures and proved this existed, I mean, a sandwich board, really?

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 18 November 2004 01:54 (twenty years ago) link

She sounds a dedicated soul.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 18 November 2004 01:54 (twenty years ago) link

That Peter Jennings is such an asshole.

― Pangolino (ricki spaghetti), Thursday, 18 November 2004 02:01 (twenty years ago) link

I really felt bad for Mrs. Jennings after the initial phase of "wow, that is one entertaining crazy person." When I first started at the printing company she was coming in 2-3 times a week. After about a year and a half she was down to once every week or two. One day we all realized she hadn't been in in a couple of months, and of course she showed up the next day. But that was the last we saw of her, summer 2000.

― the apex of nadirs (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 18 November 2004 02:28 (twenty years ago) link

I have to admit, I always loved the flash/clunk of our university library's security sensitising thing - and I worked there.

(we were under strict instructions to pass *everything* over the flash/clunk machine, even things that patently didn't have security tags, in order to try to fool the students into thinking that everything did have tags, even if they were apparently invisible. For most students, this ploy did actually work.)

― caitlin (caitlin), Thursday, 18 November 2004 08:03 (twenty years ago) link

God, we get so many philatelists, and even worse are the researchers that come in interested in postal markings, postcodes, and ‘postal mechanisation’. We have a volunteer who comes in one day a week, and he does do work on stamps (no idea what, curator of philately takes care of him) but he also takes the opportunity to phone up certain people in r0yal mai1 to talk about software problems that have meant that cancellations have the wrong date on them, or ancient messages that have been revived. He uses the internal numbers too, so the poor blighters think that it’s an internal business call, and you can tell that they’re desperate to get off the phone, but once he gets going….. It’s quite amusing how focused he gets in these phone calls, and how much USELESS information about postal markings he has in his head. GET A LIFE!!!! Luckily not that many nutters come in person, we just have to deal with them on the phone and by letter and email.

― Vicky (Vicky), Thursday, 18 November 2004 08:36 (twenty years ago) link

Not so much AT my workplace but OUTSIDE my workplace, but at the last company I worked, we had a window through which we could see the street and a mailbox. There was a guy who we named Freaky Mail Guy who, every couple of weeks, would pull up in his car to the mailbox, sit in his car for a while, eventually go up and put some letters in, then start to walk back to his car, stop, walk back to the mailbox, look in, stand around for a while, start to walk back to his car, stop, walk back to the mailbox, look in, etc., etc., all the while seemingly talking to himself. Obviously this was some kind of OCD, and he started coming less and less frequently, so hopefully he got better, but it was still entertaining and we would spy on him from the office. We took a photo of him and put it on a t-shirt for an employee that was leaving.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 18 November 2004 16:00 (twenty years ago) link

Apart from the lady who attacked me, there's also a guy who comes in who talks about pike fishing in deep lakes in Westmeath. He had a brother who died in his 40s. "He liked the fast life. He used to drive fast cars and go with women. It killed him in the end."
"Oh? Did he die in a car crash?"
"No, he got colon cancer."
He's looking for a copy of The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.
Also, there's the lady who collects plastic bags and bookmarks, the junky who walks in, takes a book off the shelf and brings it up to the counter asking for a refund, and Big Gay William, who speculates loudly about everyone's love life and sweats a lot.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 18 November 2004 18:26 (twenty years ago) link

When I worked in a bookstore I once waited on a guy who was convinced that there was a book out there, published by "The Gentlemen's Club" organization, about the exotic women of southeast asia. Kept me busy for a good 20 minutes during the store's busiest time typing various keywords (you can imagine) into books in print and turning up nothing.

Then there was the one time I had to explain to a woman the difference between a CD and a tape. I think I've told that story here somewhere before.

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 18 November 2004 18:35 (twenty years ago) link

I've had that same conversation as well, sgs, except it was about VHS and DVD. Like, the physical difference.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 18 November 2004 18:51 (twenty years ago) link

I wish jess was here, so he could talk about the one time he witnessed a "large woman" who walked into a McDonald's in Philadelphia who completely went off her rocker and decimated the entire front counter with a large hammer.

― donut christ (donut), Thursday, 18 November 2004 19:04 (twenty years ago) link

Trish, when I come to visit, can I be Medium-Sized Ambiguous William?

― the apex of nadirs (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 18 November 2004 19:05 (twenty years ago) link

I often explain the the way CDs work and the way vinyl records work. Tape too, but less frequently. Usually I get glazed looks or flatly asked to knock it off.

Fascinating stuff though.

― martin m. (mushrush), Thursday, 18 November 2004 19:07 (twenty years ago) link

Trish, when I come to visit, can I be Medium-Sized Ambiguous William?

Only if you agree to cook for me. Man oh man, that I Love Cooking board.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 18 November 2004 19:54 (twenty years ago) link

You gots it. Judy's after me for another batch of tom kha gai, but tonight I satisfy my heathen lust for cumin, garlic and beans.

― the apex of nadirs (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 18 November 2004 20:28 (twenty years ago) link

two years pass...

There's got to be more recent stories (sadly most of the ones I've dealt with lately are calm).

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 18 November 2006 16:56 (eighteen years ago) link

I'm a cataloger. I don't deal with "patrons." However, the other catalogers are a whole different story. We're a weird bunch.

― molly d (mollyd), Saturday, 18 November 2006 17:48 (eighteen years ago) link

I have a regular patron who calls on a monthly basis to see if his name is listed in Marquis Who's Who. It is published annually. He will often refer to himself in the third person, but slip up with an "I". He also comes into the library to use the online version and prints it out each and every time.

His name: D4vid Buff1ngt0n Wh4m.

― jennpb (jennpb), Saturday, 18 November 2006 17:53 (eighteen years ago) link

Oh! Sad! When I worked reference at an archives, I got a lot of patrons to see the salary roster for the university. There was lots of snickering and sneering.

― molly d (mollyd), Saturday, 18 November 2006 17:56 (eighteen years ago) link

I don't want to jinx myself, but I haven't had any weird patrons today. Just sweet undergrads asking informational questions about the stacks.

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 18 November 2006 18:04 (eighteen years ago) link

Not a patron, but our mailroom guy just got fired for repeatedly and openly watching porn on his computer and generally harassing female employees, leaving smiley face post-its on their desks and giving out lots of may-I-just-say-that's-a-LOVELY-sweater-you-are-wearing "compliments".

― Rebel.yell.For.Internet.cakes (nordicskilla), Saturday, 18 November 2006 18:07 (eighteen years ago) link

Was he not really interested in holding the job, or was he just that stupid?

Not weird but just sad and frustrating -- once a year I have to deal with an Idaho sheep rancher who is either illiterate or severely dyslexic. He has to tell me all his ad content over the phone, which makes me nervous -- if there's ever an error, I don't have a paper trail to refer to/cover my ass with.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 18 November 2006 18:40 (eighteen years ago) link

We have one client who is extremely thick. He wanted to know if a certain dress would fit one of his clients (who was a 4-6) I said the dress was big on me and I'm somewhere between an 8 and a 12. Then he asked if my coworker D, who must be a size 2, could try it on. We must have told him ten times that this dress was going to be HUGE on a small person, but I don't think he understood.

I have also seen him hand over two cards to pay his bill, and look utterly perplexed when we ask him how he wants to split it between the cards.

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Saturday, 18 November 2006 19:31 (eighteen years ago) link

if there's ever an error, I don't have a paper trail to refer to/cover my ass with.

But he won't know.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Saturday, 18 November 2006 20:11 (eighteen years ago) link

A patron is one who has been assigned by a venerable tradition, or chosen by election, as a special intercessor with God and the proper advocate of a particular locality, and is honoured by clergy and people with a special form of religious observance. The term "patron", being wider in its meaning than that of "titular", may be applied to a church, a district, a country, or a corporation. The word "titular" is applied only to the patron of a church or institution. Both the one and the other, according to the legislation now in force, must have the rank of a canonized saint.

― timmy tannin (pompous), Saturday, 18 November 2006 20:28 (eighteen years ago) link

hahaha, yeah, that's true -- hopefully all of his friends are illiterate too. (xpost)

― Joe Isuzu's Petals (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 18 November 2006 20:32 (eighteen years ago) link

I just had an eccentric elderly lady with an accent ask me how to find Arobe on a computer. I said Adobe? She said, yes Arobe. It would be better if I could attach a sound file.

― Mary (Mary), Saturday, 18 November 2006 21:03 (eighteen years ago) link

i have not encountered this in my workplace, alas

http://www.badgerwest.com/images/PatronReposado.jpg

― timmy tannin (pompous), Saturday, 18 November 2006 21:09 (eighteen years ago) link

four years pass...

And how's it been lately?

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 3 December 2010 16:13 (fourteen years ago) link

no necromancer no credibility

― Ectothiorhodospira shaposhnikovii (nakhchivan), Friday, 3 December 2010 16:18 (fourteen years ago) link

Also tech services here. We work in no man's land.
I just wish Carol wouldn't clip her fingernails at her desk twice a week.

― Trip Maker, Friday, 3 December 2010 16:26 (fourteen years ago) link

WmC's story about the Peter Jennings obsessive is still amazing.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 3 December 2010 16:26 (fourteen years ago) link

i work at a counseling center, we get weird patrons each day. The drug addicts are always pleasant.

― I've got a bush like a 50 year old Serbian (chrisv2010), Friday, 3 December 2010 16:27 (fourteen years ago) link

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.