Dating for fun: right or wrong

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Ok, so I’ve been broken up with my beloved for at least three months now, and since there’s been almost zero communication it’s clear he’s not going to suddenly come to his senses and want to get back together or anything. So I want to go on some dates. I’m so tired of the bar scene, but as I think I’ve mentioned in other threads, it’s fairly easy to meet people online (in fact that’s where I met my ex). I’ll say hello to people, or they’ll message me, and a pretty high percentage of them say (after seeing my photo) “you’re so handsome” or words to that effect, and if they seem cute and fairly interesting, it’s not hard to arrange a meeting.

I’m not expecting lightening to strike twice and to find another soul mate right away (although I don’t discount it), but I’m basically lonely, and looking for someone to have dinner with, see a movie with, have sex with. I went on a couple dates with two guys I met, and even though I kept things on the most surface, casual level, it seemed as though both of them assumed we were in some kind of dating situation almost right away. Now this is very sweet, it’s nice to know people like me, etc., but I did nothing to encourage this besides just be there… they were certainly extrapolating things in their minds.

So I met another fellow last night, (age: 25. looks: maybe 17. I feel vaguely pervy but will get over it) who seems nice. We had cake and coffee, hung out for an hour or so. But it’s the same feeling for me that I got before; he’s cute, he’d like to hang out with me and I wouldn’t mind spending time with him either, but am questioning the ethics of “dating” someone that you know there is no possibility for a real relationship with. I mean, maybe we could hang out a few times and I’d discover a real connection between us, but I doubt it, you know? And this morning I got an email from him saying, “thanks for the wonderful evening”… I mean just that wording seems to imply he’s already overdoing it a bit.

So if I can satisfy my need for companionship, sex, someone to sit across from me at a restaurant, etc., and not hurt anyone’s feelings, is this ok? Or should I just wait to “date” someone who I know I’m truly compatible with? I know there’s no real answer to this, just wondering what some other takes on the situation are.

― Sean, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

It's a hard one, and arguably I'm very much in the same boat right now. :-/ But I'm really just playing things by ear, and it sounds like you're much more focused right now on ensuring things stay, not shallow, but fairly restrained, say. I think it is okay, yes, but I think perhaps you need to be more upfront? Not spilling your life story out, or the full details of your situation, but just mentioning that you're still, for lack of a better word, rebounding.

Somebody very dear to me found love, the best kind this person ever felt, just after finally putting a past relationship finally and firmly in the past. This development wasn't predicted, but it happened -- could happen to you, and you leave open the possibility that it could -- but my friend took the right attitude of just not predicting anything and staying true to oneself, and being open about that to the other person. And things turned out all right. Could happen to you too. :-)

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"So if I can satisfy my need for companionship, sex, someone to sit across from me at a restaurant, etc., and not hurt anyone’s feelings, is this ok?"

More than ok. Admirable, even. I mean, it takes a bit of effort to make the dating rounds. Loads of people just wait for something to happen, to stumble upon a person they might possibly click with--at work, through mutual friends, that kind of thing. And they wait until they've gotten all the right signals from the crushee or they don't make any kind of move at all. I think what you're doing is very healthy. Even if you know you don't want to get serious.

As for dates that are a little too eager to get the relationship ball rolling, well, there's not much you can do about that. He'll get the point, eventually. Or you might actually find your feelings intensifying in spite of yourself. I've had my heart broken by guys I thought I'd never see again after the first date.

Basically, I think what you're doing is fine and that you should just enjoy yourself. And if the date gets a little more hung up on you than you'd like, just let them down gently. But firmly.

Do you find yourself running into exes a lot in SF? I used to get that in the East Village. One of the drawbacks of that big city small town vibe.

― Arthur, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

As long as you don't make any wild promises or lie, Sean, I think you're making the right steps (and of course, I wouldn't assume you'd do the former two things anyway). Be honest, if you think he's getting the wrong idea.

― Brian MacDonald, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Dating for fun? Sorry, I only date for awkwardness, discomfort, humiliation, and rejection.

― Nitsuh, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

you stole my thunder Nitsuh.

Just make it plain that you are out for a casual relationship and there should be no problem.

― Menelaus Darcy, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

tell them where you are at and what you want from the word go. maybe you'll even meet someone who wants the same thing as you, and then no-one gets hurt.

― di, Monday, 5 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

eight years pass...

http://i39.tinypic.com/21eqcud.jpg

― turkeylurkeyknull, Saturday, 27 March 2010 09:33 (fifteen years ago)

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