The Steven Seagal Haiku Thread

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http://www.completemartialarts.com/whoswho/actionstars/images/seagal.gif

behold the firm life
kicking crotches and tummies
poke out your eyeballs

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

(I can't remember exactly who it was that kickstarted the pic-of-Steven-Seagal/haiku meme [I think it was Gear! maybe?], but them to thread!)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Drinking Mountain Dew
Does not agree with curry -
Fire down below

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:30 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.21cineplex.com/images/news/news4551.jpg
wisdom looking back
lifetime in hindsight is real
i'll get you tackman

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:32 (twenty-one years ago)

ha ha I found the other thread with the OG shit:

A HAIKU

I know what you think.
You think you're above the law.
You're not above mine.

http://www.volny.cz/blizzardsweb/images/star-stevenseagal02.jpg

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), June 16th, 2004 12:54 PM. (Gear!)

I know he did it.
Evidence? Fuck evidence.
His fat ass is mine.

http://www.mediocreminds.com/03q3/misc/pcs/steven_seagal.jpg

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), June 16th, 2004 1:01 PM. (Gear!)

My partners all die
In ambush, by trickery.
And I fight alone.

http://www.21cineplex.com/images/news/news4551.jpg

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), June 16th, 2004 1:03 PM. (Gear!)

Gaijin bushido
Vanquishes all before me
Especially pies
-- VengaDan Perry (djperr...), June 16th, 2004 1:05 PM. (Dan Perry)

[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

DMX and I
He is his brother's keeper
And I got his back

http://www.filmfodder.com/movies/reviews/exit_wounds/images/exit_wounds.jpg

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), June 16th, 2004 1:05 PM. (Gear!)

Such dark territory
This train speeds through this long night
Bogosian is mine

http://www.stevenseagal.movienet.org.uk/undersiege2_1.jpg

-- Gear! (drink_to_remembe...), June 16th, 2004 1:08 PM. (Gear!)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I sing a ballad
A song of great melancholy
Listen or die soon

http://www.hisystems.com/movie/photo/firedown4.jpg

― Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:44 (twenty-one years ago)

well that's technically not a haiku...damn

― Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm down for the count
Or so you believe, my friend
I am hard to kill

http://www.stevenseagal.movienet.org.uk/above30.jpg

― Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.blackbeltmag.com/archives/halloffame/1988/instructor2.gif
awesome wicked bad
some would say out of my head
i'm out for justice

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 16:51 (twenty-one years ago)

He lived in my town
when i sold candy for cash
his hot wife bought some

Inspiring, at least
That Royal Trux song "Stevie"
is one of their best

― roger adultery, Wednesday, 23 June 2004 18:27 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.kinoweb.de/filme/Executive/pix/exe84.jpg
oh steven segal
though i don't know what you do
youre a famous man

(my friend wrote that one)

― I LOVE CLUB BANG!@@! ELECTRO RULES (ex machina), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 18:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Howling like Bong
He sucketh a great penis
Cum stoned daily

― Bong Fellatio, Wednesday, 23 June 2004 19:11 (twenty-one years ago)

You are marked for death,
But no one can kill you, yet
you move so slowly

― BanjoMania (Brilhante), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 19:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I stuff my face
with loads of buttery love
steven segal touched me

― watchy #nexus, Wednesday, 23 June 2004 21:23 (twenty-one years ago)

steven segal strokes
my quivering anal sphincter
before inserting twinkies

― watchy #nexus undernet, Wednesday, 23 June 2004 21:23 (twenty-one years ago)

i did not touch
watchy's girthy beef rod
i am all karate

― steven segal, Wednesday, 23 June 2004 21:27 (twenty-one years ago)

fantastic love oasis
glorious angry karate man stud
bitch fuck hole

― #1 FAN, Wednesday, 23 June 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

His energy drink
His attempt at rock singing
Holy fucking shitballs

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 5 March 2006 04:50 (nineteen years ago)

Nous connaissons Steven Seagal au travers de ces films orientés vers les arts martiaux et là on le découvre dans la chanson. On en a un petit aperçu dans un des ses films : Menace Toxique (que je vous conseil au passage). Et la nous retrouvons notre seagal qui chante. Une pure merveille. Avec un style country (compremez musique de tous les pays et non western). Nous nous retrouvons avec des airs où se mélange orient, extreme orient, occident...
Une pure merveille cet album. A posséder absolument

― amateurist0, Sunday, 5 March 2006 05:54 (nineteen years ago)

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink™ is the result of Seagal’s travels in Asia in search of [~~underage poontang~~] the ingredients believed [by really gullible people] to keep many locals disease-free for life. Seagal says he discovered the benefits of Asian Cordyceps (one of the most rare and treasured herbs used in Chinese and Tibetan medicine for thousands of years [or so some guy working at the hotel desk told me]) while researching immune builders in Asia.

― amateurist0, Sunday, 5 March 2006 05:58 (nineteen years ago)

the kid in me really admires a grown man who travels through asia in search of magical herbs. i hope he travelled by hot air balloon and rickshaw the whole trip.

― fortunate hazel (f. hazel), Sunday, 5 March 2006 06:40 (nineteen years ago)

Would there be a balloon big enough to carry him?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 5 March 2006 14:20 (nineteen years ago)

Stephen's eyes narrow.
For henchman, faces will break.
Time. A man needs time.

― Mestema (davidcorp), Monday, 6 March 2006 11:11 (nineteen years ago)

Trademark ponytail
like Dado Prso but with
dress jacket and jeans

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Monday, 6 March 2006 13:04 (nineteen years ago)

two months pass...

From a recent show
Posted for all to see now
I love this world:

http://images.43things.com/place/00/07/0f/462846xl.jpg

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 04:19 (nineteen years ago)

Baffled by guitar
It seems to emit sounds
I did not intend

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 05:05 (nineteen years ago)

Segal vs. norris
battle at the end of time
loser weep like girl

― -rainbow bum- (-rainbow bum-), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 05:34 (nineteen years ago)

karate justice
problem solved with kick to groin
I rent "Rent" instead

― -rainbow bum- (-rainbow bum-), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 05:49 (nineteen years ago)

steven's enigma
lowly ship's cook not a threat
chop slice break burn crush

― -rainbow bum- (-rainbow bum-), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 05:56 (nineteen years ago)

how do I played guitar?
surely not with my fat penis

― Mr Jones (Mr Jones), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 06:06 (nineteen years ago)

This last seems lacking.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 11:43 (nineteen years ago)

Roffle roffle roff-
Le roffle roffle roffle
My ass just fell off

― Dan (Genius) Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 11:45 (nineteen years ago)

this thread is approved
(o mani padme hum) by
haikunym, buddha

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 12:25 (nineteen years ago)

Great blessings given
By the master of haiku
Now, more asskicking

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 12:56 (nineteen years ago)

sing, Buddha within:
adult contemporary
I can change the world

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 13:09 (nineteen years ago)

this june eleventh
House of Blues New Orleans
eight o' clock PM

and this june eighteenth
at House of Blues Chicago
eight o' clock PM

― Bnad (Bnad), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 13:12 (nineteen years ago)

one of the songs on his new album is called "talk to my ass"

― fortunate hazel (f. hazel), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 14:16 (nineteen years ago)

also a track called "alligator ass"

― fortunate hazel (f. hazel), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 14:16 (nineteen years ago)

seagal in portland
with his blues band on sunday
twenty bucks a head

― kingfish doesn't live here anymore (kingfish 2.0), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 14:18 (nineteen years ago)

steven's conflicted
whether to kill with bare hands
or pat fluffy cat

― -rainbow bum- (-rainbow bum-), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 17:29 (nineteen years ago)

he play geetar too
karate chop then strum strum
man of much talent

― -rainbow bum- (-rainbow bum-), Wednesday, 24 May 2006 17:32 (nineteen years ago)

this here thunderbox
gonna set the record straight
talk to my ass, bitch

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 1 June 2006 18:26 (nineteen years ago)

tea pot but no tea
sixteeen clean bath size towels
no Lightning Bolt drink?
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/graphics/art3/0509061riders7.gif

― Bnad (Bnad), Friday, 9 June 2006 19:00 (nineteen years ago)

No Red Bull for that man.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 June 2006 19:06 (nineteen years ago)

Pardon me, I meant:
No Red Bull for the master
He is so bluesy.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 June 2006 19:07 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, silly Steven
Who are you trying to fool?
You LOVE dirty ice!

― Dan (WTF) Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 9 June 2006 19:08 (nineteen years ago)

Dan you realize
That clean ice helps him achieve
The zen of stupid

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 June 2006 19:09 (nineteen years ago)

Lightning Bolt sweat to be
wrung out of bath size towels
canned, shipped nationwide

― Bnad (Bnad), Friday, 9 June 2006 19:20 (nineteen years ago)

Play blues, shred guitar
Never a strand of hair freed...
Hos show'em front row.

― pj (Henry), Friday, 9 June 2006 20:45 (nineteen years ago)

what blasts from speakers
seagal taking a shower
maybe "born to run"?

― mummy wrapped in bacon (nickalicious), Monday, 12 June 2006 11:46 (nineteen years ago)

when hijacking ships
pay no mind to me baddies
i am just the chef

― beeble (beeble), Monday, 12 June 2006 13:20 (nineteen years ago)

six months pass...

His Energy Drink
Pops up in gmail ad
No fucking clue why

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 00:50 (eighteen years ago)

u need 2 read email faster

― friday on the porch (lfam), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 00:58 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.portlandmercury.com/blogtown/files/2006/05/seagal.GIF

where does fame come from?
where did Steve Seagal come from?
kick him in the chest!

― Zachary Scott (Zach S), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 01:14 (eighteen years ago)

one year passes...

Seagal under siege
Fat greasy buddhist kicks arse
All aboard a boat

― Neil S, Sunday, 23 November 2008 21:01 (seventeen years ago)

The world will forget
Seagal's face unrecognized
What were we smoking?

― nikefanatic90: Sup (Z S), Sunday, 23 November 2008 21:09 (seventeen years ago)

Kick him in the chest
Again, kick him in the chest
Kick him in the chest

― nikefanatic90: Sup (Z S), Sunday, 23 November 2008 21:09 (seventeen years ago)

Gary Busey is
A very nasty person
But he will get his

― Neil S, Sunday, 23 November 2008 21:12 (seventeen years ago)

man, i want to steal all of these and publish them in a book.

― the table is the table, Sunday, 23 November 2008 23:06 (seventeen years ago)

i switched under siege on tonight purely to grab a slice of that 'cake scene'

― Ant Attack.. (Ste), Sunday, 23 November 2008 23:07 (seventeen years ago)

Hadn't seen it before. Cake scene awesome, surprised at the high levels of violence. Surprisingly good over all.

― Neil S, Monday, 24 November 2008 12:08 (seventeen years ago)

nine months pass...

I notice this link
It's "Steven Seagal: Lawman"
TV at its best?

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 4 September 2009 00:05 (sixteen years ago)

yes

― 123456789 (jim), Friday, 4 September 2009 00:10 (sixteen years ago)

Such dark territory
This train speeds through this long night
Bogosian is mine

still feelin this

― like to see people and animal getting hurt or in troubles (nickalicious), Friday, 4 September 2009 03:09 (sixteen years ago)

pool balls rolled up in napkin

seems like it should fit into a haiku somewhere

― the kid is crying because did sharks died? (Hurting 2), Friday, 4 September 2009 03:13 (sixteen years ago)

Steven Seagal IS
Hard to Kill! fistbump party
Sunday, drunk again

― OLIGARHY (Z S), Friday, 4 September 2009 03:24 (sixteen years ago)

My picture hasn't been great
On Channel 5, recently
Black and white Seagal

― everything! yes (gnarly sceptre), Friday, 4 September 2009 12:14 (sixteen years ago)

^^SB

― everything! yes (gnarly sceptre), Friday, 4 September 2009 12:14 (sixteen years ago)

Jean Claude Van Damme you
got one ponytail too few
Hi ya! In the dirt!

― Nate Carson, Saturday, 5 September 2009 04:54 (sixteen years ago)

seven months pass...

cherry blossoms burst
craigslist blooms with "attendants"
my wife wouldn't mind

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36446224/ns/entertainment-celebrities/

― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Tuesday, 13 April 2010 18:09 (fifteen years ago)

spring in New Orleans
the procreant urge invokes
unique reactions

― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Tuesday, 13 April 2010 18:39 (fifteen years ago)

One of his vile drinks
Has the odd appellative
"Asian Experience"

http://www.lightningdrink.com/images/lightningbolt-cans.jpg

― no turkey unless it's a club sandwich (polyphonic), Tuesday, 13 April 2010 18:47 (fifteen years ago)

I'm dying to know;
Physiological thing
Is lactating, right?

― don't you steal my Sunstein (HI DERE), Tuesday, 13 April 2010 18:51 (fifteen years ago)

don't call them "sex slaves"
just pals of the mojo priest
misunderstanding!

― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Tuesday, 13 April 2010 18:56 (fifteen years ago)

six million dollars?
maybe we can settle this
a nguyener is you!

― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Tuesday, 13 April 2010 18:57 (fifteen years ago)

one year passes...

Turned sixty years old
Today, as I have now learned
Crush a birthday cake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3Jji78uEW14

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 10 April 2012 17:08 (thirteen years ago)

five years pass...

I ponder this news
Maybe the food is quite good
The cat shall decide

Today's news: Steven Seagal to open Georgian-Uzbek fusion restaurant in Moscow. He also appears to have taken a cat prisoner. Cc @maxseddon pic.twitter.com/ASrs5voh9k
— Noah Sneider (@NoahSneider) May 3, 2017

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 3 May 2017 14:33 (eight years ago)

portly putin fan
sausage hands around cat's throat
what the fuck is this

― gnaw on my meat oreo (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 3 May 2017 14:38 (eight years ago)

Ukraine bans actor Steven Seagal as national security threat; movie star barred from entering the nation for 5 years https://t.co/3oQsunwqkH pic.twitter.com/SlnV1YsTrV
— CBS News (@CBSNews) May 8, 2017

― mookieproof, Monday, 8 May 2017 18:15 (eight years ago)

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