engagement advice

I proposed to my wife on Halloween exactly two years to the evening we'd met. I hid the ring in a jackolantern.

...about what she might like, i mean (what stone, what shape, etc.)

what kind of thingy did you hide in the pumpkin, AiNYC? how did you pick?

I would melt if someone gave me a ring with a stone made out of meteorite.

I put the ring box in the pumpkin where the candle should've been (i asked her to light the jack'o'lantern....etc. etc. )

http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/08/13/2010256&threshold=3

Then one year to the day after we met and became a couple I took her to *******, it was too crowded during the day by the waterfront, so we saw Spiderman 2, then after we left the theater she asked "where do you want to go now?" and I pointed to the grassy park right across from the theater, by the water, and said "over there."

When we got out to the top of this little lump in the park, she was looking up trying to count how many stars she could see, and I was pointing out some, and then while she was staring straight up at the night sky I got down on one knee and took out the box which had been in the cargo pocket of my shorts all day long and when she turned back to look at me I proposed. That part was a surprise. I'm not sure how, but it was. It's all worth it, for the smile you get, and then watching her spend inordinate amounts of time staring at her finger. You made it! Dream come true! Etc.

The moral of the story is I WIN.

Personally if I got an engagement ring I'd like a plain gold ring, so it could last a long time. And I don't like jewels that much. But if someone I liked got me any kind of ring, I'd wear it happily. I mean what is up with not liking an engagement ring given to you by your future husband, who you accept? Not logically possible. But if it was the wrong size, that would be bad.

revive this
dudes gimme some advice:
is it gotta be diamondz?
do you gotta spend thousandz?

This is so sweet, I don't remember ever seeing this thread before!! Awwww mooks.

My husband proposed by falling drunk off a bar stool in Paris and landing in a heap at my feet. No diamonds (expensive or otherwise) were involved.

We did go shopping for a ring a few weeks later. After much fruitless looking at tasteless rocky lumps in Bond Street we ended up in a second-hand jewellers in Wood Green that had a beautiful silver ring with some kind of gemstone in it. I tried in on and it fit perfectly. The jeweller made the biggest mistake of his career by telling us that it cost £9. HELLOO I AM TRYING IT ON MY WEDDING FINGER SAY IT COSTS £200 YOU FULE NOBODY WILL BUY A £9 ENGAGEMENT RING

i enjoy the cute story upthread from alex in nyc

lol @ me

Of course it doesn't have to be diamonds, it's just the tradition and one can break those, y'know. :-) Try to find out what she likes. Check what she wears to get an idea of her style.

I think the rule in Japan is that it has to be about three times your monthly wage. But I don't think I have heard it being used outside said country although in the US they seem to give big stones. Here it very much depends on the couple.

Jesus, I think mine was about a fifth of my other half's monthly wage. I chose it myself the week after we decided we were going to get married.

Yeah I think it's de beers that does the bit about "How else can you make 3 months salary last forever?"

I think the rule in Japan is that it has to be about three times your monthly wage. But I don't think I have heard it being used outside said country although in the US they seem to give big stones. Here it very much depends on the couple.

― Nathalie (stevienixed), Saturday, December 5, 2009 8:09 AM (42 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i think here in america its that at least two african miners need to have died to obtain your diamond

I have read 6 weeks or two months (UK) - never 3 before? Obviously you should only pay attention to this stuff if you/yr spouse will find the fact you spent $$$ a gratifying one.

I designed own ring here: http://www.holtsgems.com/ - fun!

If neither you nor yr girl care about diamonds get a fairly large and very bright but relatively low clarity stone, VS1 or VS2, from somewhere ethical like Canada - that will keep parents/relations happy and impressed for a reasonable price - then flank it with other cool stones.

Dude, what the fuck, VS? I would never ever go for anything higher than SI because, with the naked eye, you can't tell the different between Loupe Clean, VVS, VS or SI. So SI is the way to go (for me anyway). You're right about the high colour.

Mosenite is a good alternative and it come from space.

De Beers are fucking evil, so avoid diamonds plz

Moissanite

hmm!
some good points
some band points
what means vs and si, dudes?
and fuck the whole 3mo wages bullshit, there's never any money around.

vintage rings are the way to go. and more morally sound.

Gravel Puzzleworth, are you teh marrieds!???!?

VS, SI etc: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diamond_clarity#Gemological_Institute_of_America_.28GIA.29

Nathalie, I said VS because it said on that page "SI1 denotes a higher clarity grade than SI2. These may or may not be noticeable to the naked eye" - I agree no-one will actually see the flaws in an SI1 diamond but it is worth the £50 extra to have a completely clear & unworried conscience when someone is looking?

Going to a jewelery quarter is really fun, I wd definitely recommend that.

x-post I am teh engaged! I will be married next summer though!

awwww mookie!

My wife and I are both kinda "eh what's the point" about jewelry, so we just gave each other plain silver bands with the promise of gold bands to come.

Yes, if anyone gave me a diamond I'd have to throw it back and ask what I ever did to make them think I wanted money spent on that drek. This is probably why no one ever has.

er the last two thoughts are meant to be separate

your boyfriend is married??

bff not bf

best friends forever get with it que

that's nice that your boyfriend is also your best friend forever--too bad he's married to someone else

u_u

joint bank accounts say more about financial commitment in a relationship are more likely to do damage to a relationship than a ring does imo, symbolism aside

Yeah, my feeling is I will wear an engagement ring if the guy does. I think they're kind of corny but if you're into claddagh rings, they're good for both parties.

really?? ytth and i have joint accounts, and no separate accounts, since pretty much the day we got married. makes buying surprises pretty damn tricky, but we have a complete understanding when it comes to money, so it works fine. which reminds of the other thing i was gonna say: my rings were paid for by both us, essentially, because we share total financial responsibility.

that was xp to jjusten

We also have joint checking and savings accounts, along with personal savings accounts.

yeah we got a joint bank acct before we got married b/c I was pretty happy to let her handle my (meager) finances. We split the price of the engagement ring; it's the only piece of jewelry (with the wedding ring) she's worn for 10+ years now, so I figure it was an ok investment (though the rock is tiny, what do you expect on a grad student stipend).

it's funny, i was just saying the other day that we're both terrible with money, but somehow together we're much better (we have actual savings!! i've never had savings!!).

yeah having a joint checking account is good (for y'know mortgage and bills and shit) but having separate checking accounts for everything else is a life-saver imo - no relationship, no matter how good, benefits from the stress of justifying purely personal purchases.

also balancing one checkbook/account for two people is a goddamn nightmare

um that is exactly what bank websites are for

that was something i hated growing up, when my dad would get mad at my mom for spending too much on something which was usually something necessary like school clothes and which he didn't understand because he never shopped for that stuff, and it made me want to be like *my money is mine* forever. which is unrealistic obviously but argh

will never share my bank account, wtf you people are lovecrazed maniacs.

i mean, power to ye and all but

yeah obv im not trying to speak for everyone here, but the fact that i dont have to pull a T/S organic free-range pesto vs videogames where you shoot zombies in the face makes separate accounts pretty awesome.

people let their pesto just run wild like that?!

you would not believe the shit that pesto will get up to when left unchecked

o that pesto

My boyfriend and I set up a shared account the second we decided to move in together - a full two years before we got engaged. I think it's wonderful! I'm also terrible with money and better with the money in THAT account, and thinking about asking if we shouldn't just have one account once we get married.. planning for wedding is good because it's teaching me about this magical thing called ~budgeting~. I was raised by parents who were terribly irresponsible with money. :(

But regardless of whether it's going into separate accounts or joint accounts, it's the same amount of money! If you can afford buying it if the money goes into separate accounts, why can't you afford it if it goes into a joint account?

I suppose separate accounts are good for explicitly enforcing a discretionary spending budget but IMO you should have that regardless of whether all you money sits in one account or in separate accounts.

Haha in my life there's no real "discretionary" spending -- half the time it's "Do I want jeans without holes in them more or less than I want groceries? Oh wait."

my bf & I each have personal checking & savings accounts plus joint checking (for bills & rent) and savings -- exclusively joint accounts are a bit scary to me but maybe makes more sense for single-income families

But regardless of whether it's going into separate accounts or joint accounts, it's the same amount of money! If you can afford buying it if the money goes into separate accounts, why can't you afford it if it goes into a joint account?

as the dude with the vastly fluctuating income, i am WAY more comfortable keeping K as independent as possible of that particular rollercoaster - also, i think that for some (many) people, the inequities in a two earner household can bring some real misery and negative feelings about your "worth" in a relationship, and thats worth avoiding as well.

related and prob more in the keeping of the thread topic note: im happy for people who can feel comfortable with it, but the idea of buying an engagement ring with a joint account is absolutely impossible for me to imagine.

lol that is why you get the joint account AFTER you get married

i am doing a pretty hilariously bad job of placing things in the appropriate "after married" timeline tbh

the inequities in a two earner household can bring some real misery and negative feelings about your "worth" in a relationship, and thats worth avoiding as well.

I joked once that I'd have to marry money, and my friend said, "You never want to find yourself in a position to say, 'Honey, can I have $200 to buy a gold-flecked rug for the downstairs bathroom?'" So true.

This was circa, like, the Nanny Diaries and lots of talk/speculation about How Rich Women Live.

well yeah, in that situation you should be controlling the books anyway so he should never actually find out how much that gold-flecked rug was until well after the fact, like say on his deathbed

see, we used to have separate accounts, just because y'know i was supposed to in this country to get a 'US experience!', not to marry my LDR, so we had to look legit. and it was a total pain in the ass: trying to track money across accounts was hard to manage. much easier now that it's all in one account. we were both terrible at keeping track of our spending, and at long term savings, until we got together. as for the justifying of spending: ytth comes from parents who seem to have a good setup in that regard, esp because his mother earned significantly less as a teacher than his dad. we have a similar situation. my mother was/is a money controlling freak who has her OWN account, but my dad isn't allowed to and has to ask my mum when he wants to buy anything (even tho he is and always has been the main earner). so i try not to be a bitch if my husband wants to blow $200 on a special edition of a graphic novel. it all seems to balance out in the end!

I've never had a shared account with anyone. But I've tried to convince R for us to get at least one of those online maxisaver things, so we can pile the rent bills & a bit extra into it, as we seem to run out of money constantly. He wont go for it gah. So I'll just set up one myself and he can put money into it or something I guess

yeah I know that for some people it's nuts to share cash b/c one is a big spender and the other (usually) isn't. It works for us, and tbh it was good to find that out before we married (since the joint checking account before marriage wasn't loaded with cash, not much was on the line).

So, where is a good place to get an engagement ring in the UK / Europe these days?

idk

many congratulations, though

Thank you!

ebay

grats

spent three hours today looking at rings on ebay, but that was for xmas present and no congrats are required nor would they be welcome

why would anyone congratulate you on not being able to use ebay efficiently?

lol

wp 'vari

So, where is a good place to get an engagement ring in the UK / Europe these days?

Turns out the answer is Brighton. Not a great photo but:

http://i.imgur.com/BB7naor.png

Eeh, so that's why you were in the Lanes? The jewellery quarter!

Congratulations!

Thanks!

We had a nice lunch in the Basketmakers' Arms so thanks for that as well.

From OP:

I have never seen her wear a ring. She has tiny little hands. Neither she nor I are particularly fond of the whole DeBeers marriage cartel thing nor the marriage industry at large. Nevertheless, were I to sack up and do this, what should I do/purchase?

Engagement is nice and it's sweet and I'll be damned if you need a ring for it. My wife and each have a gold wedding band. When we married gold (similar to the present) was just a bit off its all-time high. It hurt, but we shelled out for them because they meant something to us. We never even considered engagement rings. Our thought was, what's the point?

Totally legit. Shouldn't be worrying about what other people think. Ignore the advice about how much you should spend (the worst kind of bullshit tbh) and just go for something that suits you.

congratulations SV!!