The UK's oldest and greatest jokes to play on visitors

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

1. Marmite - yeh, go on - whack it all on! Laavly!

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 08:46 (twenty-one years ago)

brothels have a blue light in the window

― lukey (Lukey G), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 09:32 (twenty-one years ago)

When I was younger and crueler I convinced a Spanish exchange student that it was customary to wrap any gifts in the newspaper of that given day, so for example a birthday gift would come wrapped in that day's paper. And verily did her host family receive a bunch of trinkets wrapped in that day's Daily Record. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

― scotstvo (scotstvo), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 11:45 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/oxford/ecards/images/martyr_post_big.jpg

this is the Martyr's Memorial in Oxford. It's similarity to a church spire led to a long standing tradition for "wacky" students to tell tourists that it is the Underground Cathedral and say "to get in you have to go down those steps over there", pointing to the underground toilets.

― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 11:50 (twenty-one years ago)

When you first enter a pub, don’t just order a drink - start by saying “Good evening” or “Good morning” (both are often shortened to “ ’ning”)"

― Alba (Alba), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Pubs have table service - just sit down somewhere and wait for the barman to come over to you.

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 14:26 (twenty-one years ago)

the tube.

― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 14:29 (twenty-one years ago)

The food.

― St. Nicholas (Nick A.), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 14:58 (twenty-one years ago)

the lube

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Ken, your punning is getting out of control again. It's funnier if you do it sparingly.

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

tell people that puns are funnier when used sparingly.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 15:46 (twenty-one years ago)

I recently discovered my friend Marissa thought Cafe Nero was "Cafe Nerd" - when we first saw one (while she was visiting me in London) she pointed and laughed hysterically and took loads of pictures of it. At the time I was like "huh?" then later the truth was revealed. Sorry this has nothing to do with the subject I just thought it was funny.

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

non sequiturs

― j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

salad dressing

― sexyDancer, Wednesday, 21 July 2004 15:54 (twenty-one years ago)

mark, your telling people off/giving people advice is getting out of control, again. it's better if you don't do it at all.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

The Tube is a good one - getting someone a day pass and then sending them on ridiculous tube journeys that end about 10 yards away, and you walk to get a coffee (Bill Bryson covers this game in depth).

― ___ (___), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 16:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't get any of these so clearly they work.

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Vinnie - please try the marmite one. It's lovely.

― ___ (___), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 16:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, I plan to try all of these.

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I like Marmite. So there.

The most annoying tube game is: stations which are shown on the map as interchanges even though they clearly aren't. Step forward Canary Wharf.

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 18:21 (twenty-one years ago)

marmite is fine in small amounts. tricking your foreign friends into globbing a huge scoop on to a piece of toast is not fine. don't be surprised if you get a half-chewed mouthful spat in your lap.

― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 18:27 (twenty-one years ago)

brothels have a blue light in the window

what's a blue light actually signify, then? I think these would all have worked on me.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 18:27 (twenty-one years ago)

my friend Marissa thought Cafe Nero was "Cafe Nerd"
i did this at 1st too. it took me a week before i thought to myself, "why on earth would they name it ...
...ooohhhhhh."

― dyson (dyson), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 18:34 (twenty-one years ago)

There was, of course, a teenage kid who died a few years ago when he tried to eat a big spoonful of Marmite; he had some sort of allergic reaction to yeast.

― caitlin (caitlin), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 18:41 (twenty-one years ago)

i want to start a cafe called cafe nerd.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 20:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I want to start a cafe called Cafe Death By Marmite

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 21:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Death Cafe by Marmite's better. You can play shitty fake emo.

― j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 21:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Death Cafe for Marmites

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 22:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Pubs have table service - just sit down somewhere and wait for the barman to come over to you.

-- caitlin (wpsal...) (webmail), July 21st, 2004 8:26 AM. (caitlin) (later) (link)

haha my indo-english friend somehow thought this was true, and he LIVES in cambridge. we waited for about five minutes before i suggested we go up and order our food from the bar.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 22:31 (twenty-one years ago)

if he went to the O'Neills near Warren Street in london he would have been served by a very nice lady.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 22:32 (twenty-one years ago)

and then played pool while he waited for food

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 22:33 (twenty-one years ago)

omg that pub is awesome

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 July 2004 22:33 (twenty-one years ago)

O'Neills. Okay.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:58 (twenty-one years ago)

it's a good craic

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:02 (twenty-one years ago)

tricking your foreign friends into globbing a huge scoop on to a piece of toast is not fine

Lauren - it isn't tricking them at all. It is more leaving them to their own devices. And not actively discouraging. A completely different game, I am sure you will agree!

― ___ (___), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:14 (twenty-one years ago)

The thing is, I know people who actually choose to spread marmite on their toast like jam.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:18 (twenty-one years ago)

me too. I think it's because they've built up a resistance to it or something.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Marmite is more expensive than caviar.

― alix (alix), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, but less fishy.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:36 (twenty-one years ago)

isn't it though? i mean, i always thought Marmite was supposed to be made of the crap they had left over from making soap, but oh no, it costs £3.20 a fucking jar.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:37 (twenty-one years ago)

still waiting on the blue light ho-house explanation.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:38 (twenty-one years ago)

it's cos they know people are hooked on it. as i say, you build up a tolerance to it and soon you find yourself needing bigger and bigger kicks. soon your sandwiches consist of half a jar of marmite and tablespoon of branston "spicy".

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:39 (twenty-one years ago)

That £3.20 jar should last you five years, if you're sensible and top it up with old bits of soap.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Ribena as well - what do they make that shit with? gold dust?

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Do Americans have Ribena? If not, is it possible to play a trick on them with it (involving not diluting it or somesuch hilarity?)

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:52 (twenty-one years ago)

As far as I know it's not widely available in the states. Maybe telling them it's an effective mouthwash especially before bed?

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:07 (twenty-one years ago)

i always thought Marmite was supposed to be made of the crap they had left over from making soap

Star turn, Dog Latin. Marmite is a yeast extract. They basically take the bits left over at the end of brewing beer (hops and stuff), and process it further in some way. They make it in Burton-on-Trent, in close proximity to the Marstons, Bass and Carlsberg-Tetley breweries.

Which is why Burton really really smells.

― ___ (___), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe it's expensive because of the exciting shaped pot it comes in. Left over beer bits can hardly cost the earth.

― alix (alix), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

It's pricing strategy. Like Turtle Wax, no one would buy it if was cheap as chips.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:34 (twenty-one years ago)

So why do people buy chips?

― alix (alix), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Because tthey are expected to be cheap as chips.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Ever tried polishing a car with chips?

― NickB (NickB), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:44 (twenty-one years ago)

No, but I have thrown lard at cars from a motorway flyover. Which is a little similar.

― alix (alix), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I did that too. I told a tourist that it was an old British tradition.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:46 (twenty-one years ago)

All tourists should be informed of our ancient and sacred lard flinging rites.

― alix (alix), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Mmmm lard flinging. I could do that off Suicide Bridge tonight (I have lard in the fridge and I'm afraid to use it).

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Talking of which... there was apparently a Cambridge prank that involved replacing an absent stone ball atop a balustrade on one of the bridges with a polystyrene replica. This was then shoved off the bridge as punts passed below, leading to mass panic and tourists chucking themselves overboard.

We had a similar version in Salford, but that was more to do with stuffing wetsuits full of tinned spaghetti and flinging them off buildings.

― NickB (NickB), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:54 (twenty-one years ago)

British people always have at least three types of fat in the fridge. Viz butter, spreadable, lard, goose fat and ghee (a high point of my lardy career I think you will agree).

How can "Cafe Nerd" be specifically an American thing? Do Americans have different O's and D's?! I've NEVER known ANYONE to mis-read it! It's the alphabet!! WHAT the NUTS?!

― Sarah (starry), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Mmm, lard. My gran used to give me dripping on toast as a special treat. Mmm, hard salty fat.

― caitlin (caitlin), Thursday, 22 July 2004 09:24 (twenty-one years ago)

They get away with charging loads for Marmite because the pot is twice the thickness you think it's going to be and very heavy, so you are fooled into thinking you have tons of yeasty goodness, when really it is just glarse.

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 22 July 2004 09:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I feel cheated.

― alix (alix), Thursday, 22 July 2004 09:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Marmite jars are like Andrew Mort0ns' Diana book - at first, smaller than you thought it was, but when you open it, larger than you might have thought.

(My god, I need a lunchtime)

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 22 July 2004 09:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Except with Marmite jars it's difficult to scrape the bottom...

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 22 July 2004 09:58 (twenty-one years ago)

I've NEVER known ANYONE to mis-read it! It's the alphabet!! WHAT the NUTS?!

it's the font!

http://hilton.org.uk/facade/cambridge-caffe-nero.jpg

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 10:46 (twenty-one years ago)

i mean, like, if you're on goodge street, say, and you see this...

http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v323/kenjuggle/cafenerd.jpg

at a glance it's hard to tell! esp whilst laughing at the scallies across the road.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 10:53 (twenty-one years ago)

by on goodge street i meant on tottenham court road near goodge street obv.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 10:54 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.