A difficult week, but I think I've managed to come through it

Certainly I think that my frame of mind and frustration with the world in general contributed to my views of these boards recently. Indeed I threw a fit, and verily it was hissy. From my no doubt distorted viewpoint IL* did seem to be nudging rightwards, with lots of vaguely offensive stuff being hoarded under the aesthetic floorboards of irony. I think Jess' silly post was the last straw and I'm glad that he was contrite about it. As I've been busy moving for most of the last ten days I didn't actually get around to looking at the boards until Tuesday lunchtime, and note the general (war-inspired?) edginess (though not really that edgy). In any case I think a break from the boards (both as consumer and participant) was well overdue.

I originally wasn't going to say anything about Jess' post at all and was simply not going to contribute (at least for a while). But it did strike rather a bad chord in me, so I asked Ned not to run my Pulp piece in the FT update as I wasn't sure I wanted to share aesthetic space with this sort of guff (even though they are completely separate entities, to most folk they did appear joined at the hip). If it hadn't been for that I simply wouldn't have said anything. I didn't post a reply directly to the board as I was far too upset to be rational at the time and would have undoubtedly given Jess a five-star Technicolor bollocking. But I'm a widower now and not in the mood for conflict. I wasn't intending to be a sneak - I just didn't have the will to argue within me at that particular time. I was more disappointed than anything, really, as Jess seems to talk sense for most of the rest of the time. If you're reading, Jess, I will get back to you privately about this, as soon as my own computer's up and running again (I'm having to use the one in my office at the moment).

The actual move itself took place on Saturday. Fortunately I was too hot and knackered by the time I had spent 90 minutes loading the National Sound Archive into the van to worry too much about looking back at an empty flat (which I purposely didn't).

I thought I was going to lose it when we drove out of town on the A40. It was a gorgeous day with clear blue skies, and the Oxford skyline seemed clearer and more defined than I had ever seen it before. It was horrible to think that I was leaving a place in which I had made my home for 20 years, especially under such circumstances, and it took all of my strength not to break down. I kept my composure, however - Steve or Cathy would look at me from the corner of their eye and immediately start engaging in conversation, for which I was very grateful.

When, at the other end of the journey, we came off the Westway on the Paddington sliproad and made into the centre of town - and the car radio suddenly crackled into life (XFM!) - it felt as though I had come out of the other end of the tunnel and that I was back in good old London again.

My new place in Streatham is very nice; pretty large (a bargain at the price) and insulated enough to keep me as content as I can possibly be.

In my head I never had any doubt that I was doing the right thing, but my heart just needs to be reassured about this every two seconds or so. I'm not fooling myself that everything's automatically sorted - there will be delayed reactions and so on (plus I will have to return to Oxford periodically to do some work on Laura's grave/headstone) - but it was a barrier which desperately needed to be overcome and I'm glad that I was able to do it.

I enjoyed seeing everyone at the Bull & Mouth on Tuesday - Tom and Mark S I know anyway, but it was good to see Andrew L who listened very patiently to my Guinness-induced melancholy. I'd like to do a lot of more of this kind of socialising as it's a bit easier than abstract/non-flesh and blood posters.

I will probably do some posting again in the fullness of time but need to sort my 'phone/PC out - there's a line in the lobby which needs to be strung into my quarters, and I've yet to meet either of my two alleged flatmates (perhaps they don't exist????) to make sure that they won't be upset by tripping over my cables first thing in the morning. So communication may be one-way for a while, but I'll let you know what happens.

Some briefs:-

Ned: if you still want to run that Pulp piece on FT, you have my OK to add it in. If it's too late, then that's cool too.

Ducky Fuzz: I really didn't realise that you were Chris T-T - Laura loved your "Panic Attack at Sainsbury's"; she was always a big fan of good storytelling in music. A pity she's not around to hear your new one (which come to think of it I haven't yet - must get around to it). I was very moved by the kind e-mail which you sent me - it meant a lot to me. Sorry if my reply was a bit offhand, but you know how it is - if you're in a state, rationality is a distant citadel which you can't readily storm. But do keep in touch.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say right now. I think we're all on edge at the moment for one reason or another and I don't really want to contribute to that feeling. But just to let you know, I'm still here and surviving so far.

It's only 11 weeks this coming Saturday since Laura went; seems like a lifetime. My interpretation of the clear view of the spires and the sunshine on Saturday may sound corny/Disney/sentimental keech - but it really did feel as if Laura was smiling down on me, watching me, urging me on, wishing me well, still by my side now and always.