ILX, WOULD YOU RATHER...

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

HAVE BEEN BORN WITHOUT THE GIFT OF VISION

-OR-

HAVE BROCCOLI FOR HANDS

― Ade (Adrian Langston), Thursday, 22 July 2004 01:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Broccoli keeps the Bush away.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 01:50 (twenty-one years ago)

This is actually a really difficult question. I've got to say I'd rather be blind.

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 22 July 2004 02:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Without Broccoli, James Bond would have been a lesser man.

― jim wentworth (wench), Thursday, 22 July 2004 02:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Several logistical issues should be addressed. Among them, can the broccoli-hands go rotten, or does blood flow through them, to keep them at their bright green best, in some sort of inexplicable symbiotic relationship?

― Simon H., Thursday, 22 July 2004 02:18 (twenty-one years ago)

If it's broccoli, it will grow, and it must remain trimmed. Thusly, you'll never go hungry and you'll be remarkably healthy.

― Gear! (Gear!), Thursday, 22 July 2004 02:26 (twenty-one years ago)

must be hard to wank with broccoli hands. maybe if you dip them in mayonnaise?

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 02:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Why, so you could pretend you'd just wanked?

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 03:12 (twenty-one years ago)

You can't eat blindness with Velveeta, can you?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 22 July 2004 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

I have no question that sight is what has kept me from becoming a musical genius. Or at least Jeff Healey2K.

― CeCe Peniston (Anthony Miccio), Thursday, 22 July 2004 03:43 (twenty-one years ago)

You can't eat blindness with Velveeta, can you?

I dont expect I'll ever see THAT sentence again in my life.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 03:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Why, so you could pretend you'd just wanked?

No, see, you could get em all lubed up with mayo and then rub the stalks together on your....nevermind. I've put way too much thought into this already.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Um, you don't need to refill your penis. It fills itself. It's part of the magic of evolution.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:23 (twenty-one years ago)

fine, you try fucking broccoli without lube, or eating it with KY Jelly all over it. See if I care.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Well I've never fucked broccoli without lube, and I've never eaten a penis with KY Jelly all over it, so I feel a bit third-wheel.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:30 (twenty-one years ago)

hahahaha dude this is hypothetical. I mean if you wanna be able to wank and eat the broccoli hands, you gotta go with mayo lube. This is so fucking obvious.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:33 (twenty-one years ago)

"Mayo lube'?? You're talking like there is no other kind of broccoli.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Fine, butter then. Or melted cheese.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:37 (twenty-one years ago)

For hands?

This is getting silly.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:38 (twenty-one years ago)

I think we're talking about two different things here. Clue me in on what page you're on.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:40 (twenty-one years ago)

You said it'd be good to wank with broccoli hands and mayo. Then you put KY Jelly on the mayo and replaced your broccoli hands with butter and melted cheese. Then I went to the toilet.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 04:46 (twenty-one years ago)

No no no, I was talking about how it would be a bitch to wank with broccoli hands, and you'd want to lube them up to fuck them i.e. wank with them. If you use an edible lube, you could also eat the broccoli afterwords, a la what Gear! said, provided you don't mind a bit of come in your broccoli snack. Then you started talking about how penises don't need refilling and how there's other kinds of broccoli. You lost me there, so I suggested an alternate edible lube in the form of butter or melted cheese. If you used KY or vaseline or lubriderm or astroglide on the broccoli, it probably wouldn't taste as good. You also said "This is getting silly" on a thread about whether you'd rather be blind or have broccoli for hands, which is right up there with dog latin's "castration is different from circumcision." post from earlier today. Ok, then?

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:02 (twenty-one years ago)

You've made my day. That's beautiful.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:05 (twenty-one years ago)

man, if anyone ever doubts the potency of mendocino's "crops"...

― gygax! (gygax!), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Glad to be of service. Tell me about the other kinds of broccoli I'm not familiar with.

fwiw, typing that last post made me laugh so hard I started crying and now my eyes are burning.

gygax I haven't smoked weed in 3 years. I'm like this naturally.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I still want to know what bitch wanks you with broccoli hands.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:13 (twenty-one years ago)

like I said, this is hypothetical in the event thad you had broccoli hands. I never fucked broccoli or any other food substance that I can recall but this thread got me thinking how one would go about it.

You're talking like there is no other kind of broccoli.
please explain that! Is broccoli slang for something I'm not aware of?

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Dude this is Adam yer talking to. *taps side of head in meaningful yet totally nonsensical manner*

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:22 (twenty-one years ago)

So Adam named his dick broccoli? Or he calls pussy broccoli? I don't get it. I've only been posting here 3 months, you know, I don't have all you guys' little quirks sorted out just yet.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:27 (twenty-one years ago)

You know now you have me wondering, as well.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Why Broccoli Would Not Make Good Hands

1. If the temperature drops below 25F, your hands will die

2. If the heads flower you can't eat them anymore

3. Worms

4. YOU CAN'T PLAY THE PIANO

5. Mayonnaise and cum will go all up your sleeves

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:31 (twenty-one years ago)

6. Woks are like, really hot.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:32 (twenty-one years ago)

ok so to extend the hypothetical, even WITH lube, broccoli is somewhat more errrrr solid than hands. wouldn't having a wank with broccoli hands hurt?

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:32 (twenty-one years ago)

That's what the cum's for.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Shit, I mean mayonnaise.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:33 (twenty-one years ago)

so you can pretend you had a wank when you really hadn't? pain-avoidance loike?

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Yep. Or, you can suck it back up there and pretend you're potent and loaded. See answer #7.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:38 (twenty-one years ago)

aaaah. i always wondered how guys faked it. with mayo! it is all clear now.

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:41 (twenty-one years ago)

alright, I give up. Adam is insane.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:44 (twenty-one years ago)

There are other things you can do with your hands apart from have a wank, you know.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:44 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah holding a beer with broccoli hands could be problematic

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:46 (twenty-one years ago)

x-post
who cares?

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Promise me opposable florets and it's broc-hands all the way.

― Aaron A., Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:49 (twenty-one years ago)

might be hard to match them to your outfit too, for example blue and green should never be seen etc and so forth

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:50 (twenty-one years ago)

You can't type, you can't use a remote control, you can't drive a car, you can't cut steak, you can't open baked beans, and YOU CAN'T PLAY THE PIANO.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:51 (twenty-one years ago)

but you CAN make stir fry

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:52 (twenty-one years ago)

me: ARE YUO STARING AT MY BROCCLI HANDS???/
lady x: No, it's just that they clash a bit with you're suit, don't you think?

― Aaron A., Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:53 (twenty-one years ago)

she meant 'your' obv

― Aaron A., Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:54 (twenty-one years ago)

you could avoid that by wearing french cuffs or something, thus satisfying the "something in between" aspect of the blue/green doctrine

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:55 (twenty-one years ago)

What's the Kids In The Hall sketch? Cabbage Head? The memory fades...

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:57 (twenty-one years ago)

What about if you had Cubby Broccoli hands?

― C J (C J), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:58 (twenty-one years ago)

You can't type, you can't use a remote control, you can't drive a car, you can't cut steak, you can't open baked beans, and YOU CAN'T PLAY THE PIANO.

You more than likely cannae do any of that without eyesight either, ya know. To get back to the long forgotten question =)

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:58 (twenty-one years ago)

uhhhhhhh Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder? Hello?

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:59 (twenty-one years ago)

true and if you were visually challenged you wouldn't give a bollox if the shade of green of your broccoli hands didn't really match your blue suit

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 05:59 (twenty-one years ago)

You more than likely cannae do any of that without eyesight either, ya know.

Oh crap crap crap tish posh fuck and crap. Helen Keller could do ALL of those, and she couldn't even HEAR the piano, and remote controls weren't even invented yet. You're full of shit Trayce.

― That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Well at least I'm not full of BROCCOLI MAYONAISE LUBE!!!

*storms out and slams door*

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:13 (twenty-one years ago)

would you have been able to open the door with broccoli hands?

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah its cabbage head xpost. i just watched one of those skits.

― artdamages (artdamages), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:18 (twenty-one years ago)

AT LEAST A BLIND DUDE COULD SCORE WITHOUT NEEDING BROCOLLI SHAPED GLOVES

― Ade (Adrian Langston), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:37 (twenty-one years ago)

imagine trying to put on a trojan/durex/other stoopid brand name franger with broccoli hands!

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Franger! Man I havent heard that phrase in years.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:39 (twenty-one years ago)

maybe that's an indication of how long it is since i picked up? heheh

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Heh.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 July 2004 06:40 (twenty-one years ago)

aaaah. i always wondered how guys faked it. with mayo! it is all clear now.

if it's clear it ain't mayo

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:10 (twenty-one years ago)

You're full of shit Trayce.
-- That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (adam@4bitterguys.com), July 22nd, 2004 7:03 AM. (later)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well at least I'm not full of BROCCOLI MAYONAISE LUBE!!!
*storms out and slams door*
-- Trayce (spamspanke...), July 22nd, 2004 7:13 AM. (later)

sorry trayce, see earlier post.

Shit, I mean mayonnaise.
-- That's the Way (uh huh uh huh) I Almanac (adam@4bitterguys.com), July 22nd, 2004 6:33 AM. (later)

when almanac says shit he actually means mayonnaise. so in fact YOU ARE FULL OF MAYONNAISE LUBE!!! OMG!!!!!!

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:12 (twenty-one years ago)

there are still many unanswered questions about the broccoli hands. do you feel pain if you cut/eat them? how much control do you have over the various stems? i think ultimately the broccoli wins - there is the obvious foodsource, and you could probably do the talk-show scene and make some good cash exploiting your freakishness. and all this wanking talk assumes the broccoli-handed subject is male. what about the ladeez? maybe in their case the broccoli makes for good wanking! lots of litte ribs along the top, etc... and on top of all this YOU HAVE YOUR EYESIGHT.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:19 (twenty-one years ago)

you'd definitely have to choose between eating your broccoli hands and wanking with them, it's two paths of life you have to take unless you like eating secretion and the bits of pube that are inevitably going to end up embedded within.

maybe you can discipline yourself to only wank with your left broccoli and eat with the right one, the new phrase "wank-handed" will arise as the synonym for "cack-handed" because, actually, wiping your bum might be difficult too. and all the fibre you get from eating your right broccoli hand is sure to give you the runs.

being blind, on the other hand may be the safer option - wanking is easy, wiping your bum is easy, both provided that you know exactly where the toilet paper is. no one would call you cack-handed or laugh at you when you can't catch a football (unless they're really mean), whereas i bet if you're a broccoli kid you'd get some real stick at school and PE teachers will still insist you play.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

of course it would be ken to raise the issue of bum-wiping. a very good point, mind you. but you could just get a bidet!

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:37 (twenty-one years ago)

you people are weird.

the gift of sight would actually be a CURSE as you would be constantly reminded of your freakish, handicapping, disabilities.

― Ade (Adrian Langston), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:39 (twenty-one years ago)

obviously many aspects of your day-to-day life would have to be adapted to suit your broccoli hands. i mean, people who have lost their hands/arms do manage to get by with adjustments. i'm still going with the broccoli.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:39 (twenty-one years ago)

and one of those penis vibrator sex toy things would solve the wanking problem come to think of it.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:41 (twenty-one years ago)

or the 'pocket pussy'

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:42 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah that's what I mean. something like that. anyone ever actually use one of them things? no one I know would admit to it.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:43 (twenty-one years ago)

now is that brocoli fresh or boiled/steemed?

― lukey (Lukey G), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:44 (twenty-one years ago)

this whole time I've been imagining fresh raw broccoli, if that helps

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 22 July 2004 07:45 (twenty-one years ago)

me too. although maybe steaming is the broccoli-hand equivalent of putting moistureiser on regular hands to keep them, you know, supple.

i'm also curious about the pocket-pussy things. good idea, but keeping it clean doesn't sound like much fun.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Thursday, 22 July 2004 08:01 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.