cutting people completely out of your life

In both cases the people had done some horrible things to me, and I wanted nothing more to do with them because in both cases it was pretty clear that they weren't likely to change their ways.

The one person I don't think about at all anymore, but my ex-friend I do think about once in a while because she has tried contacting me a few times since then.

Years later I re-visited the place, and bumped into one of her friends who told me she was still behaving in exactly the same way, at exactly the same pubs and clubs and with exactly the same people. My life had progressed to such an extent that I kind of welcomed the fact she hadn't moved on, not because it vindicated me in any way, more because it made her seem constant, one dimensional, like a superhero or a mythological character. In other words, someone who was never real.

It struck me as something I wouldn't really like to go through again.

I regret doing it, if only because it's almost like the 2+ years I knew this person were a complete waste; yeah, I know they're not, but then, there's this whole part of my life that we shared that are now (to me) nearly invalidated due to various indiscretions and stupid moves on both our parts. I think I WANT them to be invalidated, honestly - just cut everything out, all the bad parts, even the parts that might be OK but suffer from that taint.

I think, eventually, I'll come around and accept what happened - that there were good and bad bits, and that, regardless, they're a part of me, in some fashion. Right now, though, I'm trolling in some serious denial of everything associated with her. I'm gettin' there, though.

i have myself been cut off by one person, tho hello'd and smiled at nicely two or three times since, when paths have crossed

in both cases, i wd have zero problem making up, but they have to make the move

Both them are extremely bright, unhappy, not v.grown up ppl: i do think abt em now and then, and i guess assume barring accidents or moves to distant lands that stuff will be sorted eventually

For me, the only way I got over it with any finality was by coming back, and experiencing the weird illusion that I'd never gone away. which was equally creepy in many ways....

Of course, keeping one's self busy and active is also a good way to occupy one's time. Unless you enjoy excessive self-pity - then close the blinds and lie down, already. (And play _Massachusetts_, the Scud Mountain Boys album - it's perfect pity muzak.)

I don't regret cutting off contact abruptly with anyone I did it to, from my live-in ex to certain members of my own family. When people behave a certain way, they should not be given chance after chance to "make up for it". I DO, however, regret some of the people I've accidentally cut out of my life by just sheer laziness and not keeping in contact.

If having someone in your life causes you more pain than not having them in your life, a clean break is the best. Better than letting it fester and letting the person continue to hurt you. Out of sight finally equals out of mind, it is the only way that you will ever forget them.

Mind you, this is a last resort. Not to be taken lightly. I've only ever taken the conscious decision to cut someone out about 3 or 4 times in my life. Every time was completely necessary, and I've never regretted it. I've only ever regretted not doing it SOONER and hanging on to something which was so clearly destructive.

When I was on the receiving end, it was a college acquaintance who was so appalled that I'd tried to ring her after 2 years, she made her feelings clear and rung off. I seem to recall staring at the handset, dumbstruck, a la John Shuttleworth's acting masterclass.

When I did the severing, it was a girl I'd met through work, got very friendly with over a period of months, visited (600-mile round-trip) a few times and developed a slightly fractious relationship with. One evening ('Four Weddings and a Funeral' was on the telly) she rang, we chatted amiably for twenty minutes, bickered over some triviality for five, and I thought 'I could end this right now'. Down went the receiver. I never expected to see or hear from her again and I haven't.

I'm cold, me. If you need any kittens drowning, I could do it.

wow kate. that is exactly my personal situation today. but i didn't even really have to cut the person off, i just found out what a revolting person they were, hate came so easily after that. it was a welcome hate because its resolved a lot of shit that had been lingering for far too long.

(I'll be damned if Ned gets all the egomaniac points today!)

Except I already did, since I am so great, so you're damned and off to hell you go. Easy!

I wouldn't drown those kitties. I'd burn them. Only the purifying flames would cleanse them of their sin.

I don't charge for this service.

That's basically the only time -- everything else has merely been a case of falling out of touch. Cutting people off runs contrary to my nature, really -- flagging friendships will usually die a natural death, rather than needing to be pointedly terminated. I guess if someone had actively preyed on my good will, I might have occasion to cut them off. (Almost typed "cut the moff", which sounds rather interesting.) But since I've never had any friends who turned out to be true parasites, or who really tried to screw me over, I've never had to do that.

I've spent years in therapy working out that I'm OK and that its every one else that has the problem.

I have an ex who freezed me out of her life during the worst period of my life. It was just bad timing in most ways, and I understand why she did what she did (while not forgiving it). It was shortly after we split up, and she just disappeared on me, never returned any calls, texts, etc. I hadn't done anything 'wrong', she just couldn't handle the long-distance relationship, and the aftermath of a long-distance breakup. So she disappeared. My father passed away. She re-initiated contact, by way of condolence, but ended up causing more damage by flitting in and out of my life as she could handle it. I wasn't in a state to ignore her, and ended up picking myself apart in dual longing for her and grieving for my father. After a while, we met up, and formally ceased contact.

There's been the odd gesture since then, unwise text messages on both sides during weak moments, attemptedly-latonic email entensions of friendship/contact on both sides that were mostly ignored/rebuffed. Nothing whatsoever for months. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I spotted her staring at me at a gig (she's moved back here, I guess). I blanked her, I guess. I didn't want contact.

So at ATP this weekend, as my girlfriend and I entered the building, there was a monitor standing near the entrance displaying photos taken of revellers the night before. As she chatted with colleagues, I absent-mindedly gazed towards the monitor, which was displaying a photo of her and her boyfriend, I guess, snuggling together. The cosmic weirdness of the timing and everything made me laugh out loud, but it unsettled me. Partly, perhaps, the sense that this girl who I'd loved so much, who'd been unable to commit to the relationship to any concrete degree because she felt too messed up, had somehow made it work with someone else (but then, so had I, I guess). Mostly, however, it was an anxiety of confrontation. In the past, I'd spotted her with her best friend (who, throughout our relationship, morphed from friend of mine to complete stranger/enemy) at a couple of festivals, and tried to pretend I hadn't, convinced that it would engender an unpleasant confrontation (I M WUSS). Instead, I would stand, gazing into thin air, convinced they were laughing at me behind my back. Now she was here, and I started to get the Fear of what this might involve - a confrontation with my girlfriend, perhaps, some kind of shenanigans. I feared looking an idiot in front of her too, a loser. The usual, ugly, emotional-wreck stuff.

So I told my girlfriend about the monitor and she laughed, and made a joke about my ex's large bum. We caught some bands, had fun, hung out. I thought I spotted my ex at one point, but she didn't see me, so I moved away accordingly. Later, tripping on mushrooms, I passed her exiting the Slint show. She spotted me, and shot a look I would classify as shock/disgust/anxiety. I sort of smiled wanly through her and walked off. It didn't upset me too much, but I've dwelt on it a little afterwards. I know the worst thing in the world would be to let this girl back in life - she's like crack to me, addictive and utterly destructive. But I can't deny I'm attracted to the chaos in some way - I am compelled to the relationship like picking a scab. I know its ugly and unhealthy, but somehow I can't help it.

Only I can. I have cut her number out of my mobile phone. I shan't email her. If I bump into her out in town, I'll be cool, not-unfriendly, but distant. It hurts too much. She could make me feel the best I've ever felt; she could make me feel like Hell. I don't want the risk and I don't want the ride. I wish I'd never, ever met her. I wish I wasn't compelled to pick apart the meaning of her expression on saturday night.

if darragh is decrepit then I'm a goner

Making new friends is another thread! It's an art imo. Maybe a lost one but some things about meeting new ppl after 30 don't change.

like anything else it's a lot less intense than when I was sixteen but yeah you're right- another thread may be wiser

rip mh

I'm doing a *lot* of inadvertent ghosting lately (cf the post I made on FB the other day, cos this is weighing heavily on me at present).

It just sort of snowballs, like you think "i havent emailed this person in months/I didnt go to their last 2 parties/they probably think I'm a shitty flake now and dont WANT to see me anyway".

Having a sudden "family" also means I'm adjusting to part time being a sort of parent with no free time, and I'm not good at pacing my (increasinly limited) energy and positivity as a result.

I mean, one of my bandmates defriended me on FB a while back after also suddenly ceasing any jams or contact about the band. He's denied defriending me (which is fucked up - its right there on the page! It doesnt happen by mistake!) but I think he's basically Lou Barlowed me. Meh whatever.

Jerky ex best friend update: still fucking nothing and it's been over a year. I still have no idea what the real reason behind all this was and I think now more than ever that the way he handled this was appalling and just plain cruel. That said, I'd forgive him in an instant if he contacted me with an apology and an explanation.

I totally get how you must feel :( So frustrating.

Months ago, my best friend of 30 years changed his profile picture on Facebook to a picture of Eve Plumb and i wrote something like: You Wish! and he unfriended me and I haven't had any contact with him since.

...

Xpost that's insane!

weird

I'm sorry u lost a pal but that's a great story.

things seem to be getting pared down to me and the cat, whether by choice or neglect or other

sorry about eve plumb!

found out through only remaining mutual friend that a dude i cut out of my life years ago because he is a dickhole (was explicit to the ex-friend about this) and dont think about much/at all still apparently talks about me a lot to the only remaining mutual friend? like, a lot, as if we are still friends. it feels...weird, but also kinda funny because it is perfectly emblematic of what a loser he is

also a friend i cut outta my life because he was gross and misogynistic has had some kinda breakthrough about it recently and wants to be friends again as a result - which its' great that he's changed! but i kinda just feel like, why bother now at this point reconnecting? like, what are you bringing to my life? doing fine without your friendship. feel like it is mostly just that he wants me to "sign off" on him, and i have no time for issuing blessings atm

Somehow Facebook + NYT know I'm doing this right now.

I only knowingly cut off one friend. We weren't ever that close, and he was a jerk a good portion of the time. I actually kept it up much longer than I wanted to. I'm pretty sure I was his only friend at the time, so I felt it would be shitty to just end it. I was 20 when I ended it; I'm 36 now, and I realize life is too short for that shit.

I only have a few close friends now, all of whom are married (I'm single atm). If any of them were to cut me off I'd be an emotional wreck for years, so I'm crushed by many of this thread's posts.

you just gotta do this sometimes. it's a big world. i probably advise other people to do this more often than i should. though.
https://31.media.tumblr.com/396e336b48323bf111527329d414521f/tumblr_n4ttusukhh1ta3x8fo1_400.gif

cutting people completely out of your life

Pretty much exactly 10 years later, he emailed me. To say he is OK and hopes I am but he shouldn't be writing me and we still can't talk.

._.

Wow way to dredge things up for you instead of just letting things stand, if there isn’t going to be any change to the situation. What a selfish prick.

jeez that's lame as hell

i posted on the 77 "what's happening now" thread about a friend of about 15 years who cut me off last month because i wasn't quick to respond to a text about fantasy baseball. he had a tantrum and called me a couple names and then has been radio silent since. i couldn't do anything more than send a text offering an explanation that i was kind of busy and spread thin, without really apologizing because i don't entertain people getting dramatic over allegedly broken social decorum anymore and a delayed response on a text is not the same thing as staring at someone with blank disinterest, some folks still don't get that. plus i've been dealing with more serious private shit in recent times and my focus is therefore more hazy. but fuck it, i'm not explaining that to him. good riddance tbh.

That seems so weird and extreme! I'm sorry though. It is never a fun experience. That reaction really seems disproportionate. O, you might have worked this out but this is the person we both know irl. Anyway full disclosure - I messaged him on linkedin about a month ago because I saw he had viewed my profile and I missed him. I just checked and before that I last messaged him in 2019. He didn't respond to that and I didn't expect a response to this. When I saw the email I got so excited only to see that we still can't talk. It is what it is but it sucks and I hate it.

yeah it was really extreme. he seems like an angry guy in a lot of ways, which was another reason it might be good riddance and another reason i replied calmly.

i thought it might be that person but didn't want to pry about it. i'm vv sorry that occurred.

lol if my close friends got mad every time we didn’t immediately respond to a non-emergency communication, we’d have no friends. My bff and I have been exchanging “yeah I’ll call you this weekend” messages back and forth for several months and still haven’t gotten around to talking.

it's very disorienting to be thrown into a situation where people who were part of your life are suddenly completely and totally gone. when the band i had been playing with for 3 years sent me a text last monday cold-dumping me with no prior discussion or warning, i was stunned. the band shaped hole in my life will hopefully close up before too long, though it remains perplexing to me how people can decide to excommunicate someone completely (I haven't heard from 2/3 of them at all! not even a "thanks" or "no hard feelings" however insincere).

with a little more thought, it feels like a blessing in disguise for me -- i have no idea what they will go on to do (or not do since they removed their drummer) and it's no longer any of my concern. bye!

i do not f/w people who guilt trip about response times (or anything tbh)
maybe i failed to read some signs or properly interpret a silent treatment i didn't realize i was receiving; ultimately, i think when people can't communicate in a mature fashion, they resort to these controlling and unsavory tactics.

LL, this reminds me slightly of how one of my favorite bands broke up (a noise trio I won’t name): the drummer texted the other two saying he just didn’t want to do it anymore. And that was that - a decade or so of amazing explosions ended in a text.

They put out their last full length a year or two after that, resisting the urge to call it “Break Up By Text Message”.

full disclosure - I messaged him on linkedin about a month ago because I saw he had viewed my profile and I missed him. I just checked and before that I last messaged him in 2019. He didn't respond to that and I didn't expect a response to this.

no offense but as someone (weirdly!) who has actually met this dude, you are just fucking with him

he had a crush on you, which you egged on because you enjoyed it, and he cut it off to save his marriage. you may miss him as your friend but you have no respect for him, and you have absolutely no right to complain about it as if you've been done wrong

you succeeded! he finally responded! now fucking leave him alone unless you're willing to back it up by fulfilling his dreams, which you aren't

Wow.

Thanks for the hot take and extremely hostile post! Clearly you are an expert after meeting someone once for two hours max iirc but you are wrong here. I don't consider messaging someone once every 5 years fucking with them. I think ending a 15 year friendship with absolutely zero explanation but then proceeding to look at the person's linkedin profile every two-three weeks for the next TEN YEARS is the fucking with part and if you can't see that then I don't know what to tell you. Also, and I sorta thought this was clear though I guess it wasn't, but my main issue wasn't even the friendship ending (tho obv I have feelings about that) it was the way in which it was handled.

Mookie wtf man

hi -- i very much regret certain word choices and the overly hostile tone. probably should have written it privately or simply not at all. honestly sorry about that!

but i don't think i was wrong

So you wish you had called me a piece of shit in less hostile tone? Thanks. You can think you're right. I don't. We can disagree and end whatever this was because I'm too angry to discuss it rationally any further.

I have rarely deliberately cut people out of my life, because I am endlessly forgiving and carrying grudges makes me feel horrendous. The one exception has been a cousin with whom I was extremely close during childhood through early adulthood; we started to drift at some point, and then many years later I learned that he had been exceptionally abusive to another family member. I saw him briefly after his mother died (he refused to come up for her death; I was there instead) and it was chilly, and then never heard from him again, likely because he assumed (correctly) that I'd learned about his past abuses.

My entire paternal family has cut me out over politics and facebook. I used to feel bad about this but they are frankly horrible people.

The best man at my wedding has decided not to speak to me; we were very close for a number of years, but he was an active alcoholic who periodically went on the attack for no reason. He has sobered up and is better, and we were again on speaking terms until I learned he came to town and didn't contact me and also told mutual friends not to tell me he was here. Bizarrely he requested to follow me on instagram several months ago; I let him but didn't follow back or engage with him in any way and then he unfollowed after a while. This is just narcissistic dumb behavior and I've come to accept that I don't want people like that in my life going foward.

xp ok

agree with akm

I'm old and can remember many times when I deliberately cut people out of my life. Mostly I've regretted it, with friends who offended me (I now see the offending incidents as so ridiculous), and when I was in love with someone who was well meaning but who could not return my affection because it was too painful. But also friendships that ended because someone was in love with me and I couldn't return their affection. I wish I could repair those relationships. I feel shitty about all of them

But not for most. In my 20s and 30s and even into my 40s I was trying to understand my friendships, and most of the time when a friendship ended I was thinking 'this is not a good person' and was happy to see the end of it. But also anyone who was addicted to too much drama in a personal relationship was not for me and I steered clear

I think you have to trust those instincts

Just had to do this with an old college friend, a deeply unhappy and self-righteous person, estranged from her family and most of our mutuals acquaintances, and prone to sending wildly out of pocket text messages. (Our last big fight included her saying "I'm ashamed to know you"; this one ended with her wishing death on my cat.)

We used to have a lot of shared musical and literary tastes, which is why we were friends (that, along with an unrequited crush I had on her). But somewhere along the way, she turned into an anti-woke complainer who calls me up to rant about people on Goodreads giving high ratings to a book just because the author is a disabled queer Black feminist. Her world seems to get smaller and more hateful each day, while I have been on the opposite journey.

Fittingly, the conversation that led to me blocking her number began with her gushing about Lauren Oyler, another person who spends too much of her time thinking about Goodreads. (To be clear, any amount of time is too much.)

Whatever, they deserve each other.

I cut someone out of my life maybe 6-7 years ago because she got super mad that my best friend of 20 years, who lived out of town, came into town and we went out for the night without her. I had introduced the two of them shortly after meeting her 5 years before.

I have her blocked on everything. I guess she is a newspaper obituary reader (friend thinks she has a Google alert on me) because when my Grandma died in December, within a day of the online posting there was a note saying she was sorry to hear of my Grandma’s (& Dad’s, mentioned as predeceased) passing. Then she signed it as just two initials so I could never be totally sure.

I was weirded out but thought the message was sweet enough - hate the just vague enough initials bit - the other friend is less charitable and was very much “why is she so fucking obsessed with you and weird about it”

Also for those who know my Twitter username etc is Lexy + dee to stand in for my D last name.. (now stee for my married S last name..) and a while after we met she, also an LD named woman, changed hers to the same format. Why so fucking weird LD

She can change her name but she can’t grow an extra foot tall

I have probably been cut out of former friends’ lives but if so, they are people I had already drifted away from either geographically or in terms of interests or politics and hadn’t even thought about them much… As in, if they have blocked me, I wouldn’t notice…

Oh wait! There was this chick Lori… 24 years ago who I had been good friends with and she sent me this really nasty email saying how I and partner were horrible and she can’t be friends with me or him anymore… I kept my distance from her after that, then she moved away about a year later … about 8 years ago she moves back and just acted like that never happened… I am nice to her but I definitely didn’t feel like rekindling that bff friendship we had before

And because there’s a l cohen thread in SNA, I remember hearing Chelsea Hotel in my late teens, and struggling to understand the experience of “I don’t think of you that often.” And now as an older person, I know that feeling really well… so many people who i had been close to at points in time that I don’t think if that often

about 8 years ago she moves back and just acted like that never happened

ugh that is the most obnoxious behavior, I despise it

I've only ever cut complete contact with a friend once that I can think of. It was a slightly fraught friendship to begin with, he's high maintenance person with a lot of issues, and when he got drunk he had a hard time not hitting on me even though he knew very well I wasn't interested. I could mostly deflect without incident. But then when I got into a new serious relationship he was super bitchy about my gf (now wife) even tho she was never anything but nice to him, and one time he was staying overnight at our place and he and I ended up getting into a really stupid argument that I knew was him kind of sublimating his own emotional stuff and he basically stormed out and drove 4 hours home in the middle of the night, and I was just like, "Well, that's enough of that." Literally not talked to him in the dozen years since, he lives on the other side of the country, and I hear from mutual friends that he's basically still as impossible as ever. I wish him well but don't miss being his emotional support, it was a lot.

Was he out?

Oh very.

OK. I asked because I've met guys like him and when I was younger and decidedly not out was probably that guy without being high maintenance or so obnoxious (I hope!).

I also realize that there are people who I wish I could cut completely out of my life, but I have to interact with them in some capacity because of work or other community things… so I have the category of “avoid/ignore as much as possible, but don’t make it dramatic “

Then I really start feeling old when people i used to think were annoying af become more tolerable because they actually are pretty good to work with in a professional way

xp Alfred yeah I’m sure you weren’t anything like this guy. He’s sort of a grand Southern queen, or that’s his chosen role. Which could make him a lot of fun, lots of acerbic wit, but plenty of downsides.