My girlfriend and her ex are "friends"

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Here goes... I want to trust my girlfriend, but... she told me she loves me over and over (overboard)and just when we sit down to have a margarita on the back porch swing near the fire last Friday night she gets up and says she has to call some guy she says is her friend about his father's health condition. His name was Fran which I originally thought was a girl when I asked who "she" was. I've never heard this guys name ever mentioned before so I ask questions. I'm inquisitive like that and people in a relationship have a right to know right? Anyway, she tells me he's a guy and she went out with a year and half ago and they're still friends. She calls the guy he's not there and she leaves a message saying she wants to know how his father is doing. After which I say "what makes this guy such a great friend and why have I never heard of him before" and she says she knew it would cause a fight (because she's mentioned other exes at inopportune times and I asked questions about them...and so why bring him up now then...) and he was there for her when she needed him and vice-versa. Doesn't sound too good already huh? I asked what she meant and she said when we had a fight two weeks ago he called her and sensed that she was down and asked if she needed a hug and he came down and went to her girlfriend's house and was there for her. She says there's nothing to be worried about and he has a girfriend and there's no cheating, etc. etc. So we get into a fight and she says she'll be friends with whoever she chooses to be friends with... and totally freaks out on me. She goes home the next day and sees my old profile on a singles site that night and thinks I'm searching so she gets all pissed off at me and we break up. We were apart for a week with no contact and she didn't sleep at her own house one night that whole week, but was at her girlfriend's place (the same one). I decided to go by her house this morning and bring some of things by and talk (because she would have done anything for me a week ago and loved me sooooo much) and didn't see her car there. She asked me if I drove by "Sara's" house this morning (so she thought I did and knew she wasn't there) and we talked about what eachother did last night (a Friday night) and she tells me she was at this ex "Fran's" house and slept there on the couch... she said there was no sex, no hugging and no kissing. I said I thought this guy had a girlfriend ("Toni") why wasn't he with her and she said she thought he was getting back together with her. Then she said they watched a movie and played cards and described everything pretty well....the cards with Palm trees on them that his parents got from florida and the movie (something "Molly"). Anyway, it didn't make sense and I don't know what to believe...even though I'm thinking the worst. He called when I was there and she said "Chris is here and we're talking". I think it was him anyway. She said she loved me and I said I loved her, but this whole thing is really weird and I don't want to even try to salvage this relationship if she lied to me when we were together about "friends" and screwed him last night only 5 days after we broke up. What the hell do I believe or do? Should I trust her, believe her? She slept at an ex-boyfriends house last night!?

― Chris P., Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Why not Ask Jeeves ?

― Vic, Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

you triple posted this shit? we kill you now.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I Think we should kill just for the lack of paragraphs, we have done so for less.

― Ed (dali), Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Seriously, this question may take a few weeks before a consensus is reached. Please stand by. We will notify you immediatley once we produce an answer.

― Vic, Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:29 (twenty-one years ago)

At this time no cash or credit cards will be accepted. All checks can be made payable to ILX: The Advice Committee, PO Box 7453 Los Angeles, CA 90028

― Vic, Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry people for the triple posting. I'm new to this. Can I take it off? Also for lack of paragraphs....I was just typing away. Who's Jeeves anyway? Wanna laugh....I'm a psych major....go figure! She did come out and tell me she was with him and didn't lie.... but she thought I drove by Sara's and knew she wasn't there... anyway, don't kill me. Some helpful advise is appreciated though. Thanks!

― Chris P., Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:38 (twenty-one years ago)

re: triple post
go to the moderator request forum, they could fix it.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:41 (twenty-one years ago)

helpful advice: in 1000 years, all our works will be dust, live accordingly.

― vahid (vahid), Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Chris,

You honestly seem like you're in some emotional distress, and since I live there, let me break it down for you (after trying to wade through your post for the past 20 minutes):

1) People may say they "love" each other "soooo much" even when they don't

2) Once you've 'broken up" with her your girlfriend, in her tearfully confused and/or lustfully lubricated state, she'd be liable and justified to do anything, including sleeping with someone else. Since she wasn't "your girlfriend" anymore after she thought you were looking at online singles, remember?

3) If you don't feel like you can trust her because she's kept stuff from you and/or she's a damned dirty Jezebel-ho, you should try to move on (and at least really "break up" with her). Or forgive her - it's up to you to decide, not internet strangers on a message board who know nothing about either her or your relationship.

― Vic, Sunday, 25 July 2004 08:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, it is perfectly possible that she is telling the truth. You can stay friends with exes, you know. And be friends with blokes without shagging them. And there will be some reason he's an ex and you aren't.

But do yourself a favour and take your photos of singles sites. You ain't doing much in the way of selling yourself as a decent boyfriend to her if you're touting yourself round the internet and deciding who she can and can't be friends with.

Otherwise, what Vic said.

― ailsa (ailsa), Sunday, 25 July 2004 10:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm still good friends with one of my exes. Sometimes we even sleep in the same bed. And we hug and kiss and talk about personal stuff too. But she's still an ex, and there's a reason for that.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 25 July 2004 11:07 (twenty-one years ago)

You're all a bunch of cunts really, arent you?

― scg, Sunday, 25 July 2004 11:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Basically, it's a strange world and all sorts of things can be true and all sorts of things can be not true and it's pretty hard to know. It comes down to whether you're more worried about being made to look a sucker or a jealous prick.

― Alba (Alba), Sunday, 25 July 2004 11:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't see any evidence that she has done anything at all wrong in any of this. I can't see what makes you think she has slept with this guy since you started together. There's nothing at all wrong or implausible with staying friends with an ex, and she is absolutely entitled to do so. I think you're getting this one wrong, Chris.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 25 July 2004 11:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Unless I was in a really settled relationship where we both knew the score about everything, I don't think I'd stay the night at an ex-girlfriend's house (except in an emergency). It's insensitive, I think. People should know that it's easy to get insecure about these things.

― Alba (Alba), Sunday, 25 July 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

The only way to find out is trial by water.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Sunday, 25 July 2004 12:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Martin speaks the truth.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 25 July 2004 12:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I still say chuck her in a lake.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Sunday, 25 July 2004 12:21 (twenty-one years ago)

"This is the tent that I fucked her in..."

But seriously, I think a step back from the situation would be in order. Occupy yourself in other pursuits and let her come to you with the next step. Trying to figure out what she's thinking = frustration and uncertainty.

― 57 7th (calstars), Sunday, 25 July 2004 13:05 (twenty-one years ago)

what is that, slacker?

― cutty (mcutt), Sunday, 25 July 2004 13:15 (twenty-one years ago)

eh, i don't see what this girl has done that is so wrong. look at it from her side, she feels she can't tell you anything about exes because you'll freak out. then she does tell you. and you freak out. then you are kind of telling her you don't want her to see her friend. then she finds your profile on a dating site. then you break up, she is pissed off and single, and stays at a friends house. even if something DID happen, thats sometimes what happens when people break up and are angry.

but she says it didnt. and, you know, thats pretty believable. sometimes you have to deal with gfs being friends with their exes, not everyone has a huge bust up each time and writes them out of their life!

what exactly have YOU done throughout all this, that should make her want to stay with you?

― elber (gareth), Sunday, 25 July 2004 14:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, they'd broken up. I missed that bit, what with the lack of paragraphs.

― Alba (Alba), Sunday, 25 July 2004 15:38 (twenty-one years ago)

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