Laws of the Playground

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1. Whoever has the best computer, has the best friends.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:16 (twenty-one years ago)

2. Speccy kid in goal

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

3. "Bit like your mum really" automatically wins any puerile slanging match.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:22 (twenty-one years ago)

4. Unless countered with "actually, my mum's been dead for years, you fucker".

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:22 (twenty-one years ago)

5. Boys don't cry

6. A kid who tells on another kid is a dead kid

rules to live by

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:24 (twenty-one years ago)

7. Despite it being strawman bully tactic, no one EVER ACTUALLY gets their head flushed down the toilet.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:28 (twenty-one years ago)

8. anyone admitting to liking indie music will be called a goth (nb this is largely redundant now but it was true at my school)

― Porkpie (porkpie), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:41 (twenty-one years ago)

"the least coherent encyclopaedia of playground insults on the internet"

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

addition to 8 - any music with guitars in it is for grebos, on the other hand if you listen to music with anything close to a synth or turntable in it you're a raver. Again, this probably no longer applies.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:15 (twenty-one years ago)

(1) is surely rubbish?

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

9. Those who wear green on Thursday are HORNY.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

1a - Best computer defined solely by quality of "graphics". Again, this is probably not true any more.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Matt DC - yes!

10. Those who wear purple are sexually frustrated (whatever that meant).

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Only if their leg jogs up and down when they're sitting on their chair.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:22 (twenty-one years ago)

11. Female gym teacher X watches girls a little too closely in showers, according to legend.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

According to direct experience.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:27 (twenty-one years ago)

12. Male games teacher was in the Falklands, and once killed a man, according to legend.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:31 (twenty-one years ago)

suzy OTM

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:32 (twenty-one years ago)

13. Male PE&maths teacher actually TOUCHED young boys a little too much in the shower, and got both sacked and beaten to a bloody pulp by older brothers.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:33 (twenty-one years ago)

benny tied to a tree: http://www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/browse.pl?sid=24

― Jaunty Alan (Alan), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:33 (twenty-one years ago)

14. Someone from one of the other classes has 'done it'.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

(I was the wiseass who asked said teacher if she'd seen The Children's Hour before the swimming lessons commenced in the hope she would back off THIS year)

14. All notes passed in class begin with the salutation "High!", because the skanky girls with stoner brothers do that.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:37 (twenty-one years ago)

pissball: http://www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/browse.pl?sid=40

― Jaunty Alan (Alan), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:39 (twenty-one years ago)

16. "What are you looking at, ugly?"

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:40 (twenty-one years ago)

17. madball will be played with a golfball

― Porkpie (porkpie), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:41 (twenty-one years ago)

I like how Martin Carr has posted there!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:41 (twenty-one years ago)

18. Never ever refer to a male teacher as Mr [Surname] in the company of other kids. He is to be referred to by surname or nickname alone.

18a. Unless he has an amusing name like Mr Dudu.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:44 (twenty-one years ago)

14. Someone from one of the other classes has 'done it'.

you mean you HAVEN'T done it yet?! We are talking about shaving right?

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:44 (twenty-one years ago)

19. Coolest, Youngest Male Teacher is fucking Hottest Female Teacher or Foxiest Sixth Former, depending on who you talk to.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:50 (twenty-one years ago)

20. Coolest, youngest male teacher once smoked dope with some sith formers.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:53 (twenty-one years ago)

ha, we used to go to the same pubquiz as a bunch of the teachers when we were in sixth form and thrashed them most weeks. They hated us.

― Porkpie (porkpie), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:55 (twenty-one years ago)

20. Science teacher whacking ruler stick on desk and shouting "I can wait here all day" is never ever a reason to begin a ceasefire in the proceedings of post-break classroom war. Please continue throwing rubber bladders at each other and seeing for how long one can put one's hand over the bunsen burner.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Boy with right ear pierced = clearly homosexual
Girl with ankle bracelet = prozzer.

― Tag (Tag), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Boy with right ear pierced = clearly homosexual

This isn't true???

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:59 (twenty-one years ago)

21 addedum: I see Tag's earring and raise you 'left is right, and right is WRONG'.

23. No mass gathering organised by the school can begin until the 20 girls in the bitch clique arrive together, five minutes late.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:59 (twenty-one years ago)

24. All fites much begin with much circling around each other going "COME ON THEN!" so you can alert everyone else in the playground who will come swarming round, attracting the attention of the teacher who will break it all up before a punch has been thrown.

25. No one ever punches anyone ever, the headlock is a far more common form of combat.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 10:03 (twenty-one years ago)

What happened to 22?

Okay then,

22. If you touch Lisa or anything that she has touched, you have the lurgy. Blowing on your hand or on the object in question will protect you from this. (this law turned an entire classroom of nine year olds into OCDers for an entire year).

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 10:04 (twenty-one years ago)

(22 was 'sluts wear ankle bracelets')

Not a rule, but on receipt of one middle-school poison pen letter I was delighted to discover my attacker thought I was a HOAR.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 10:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Um, 7 is completely and utterly wrong...

― marvin wang (marvin wang), Thursday, 29 July 2004 10:36 (twenty-one years ago)

26. If anyone drops something of value, then (I can't believe I have to finish this one, do I?)

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:23 (twenty-one years ago)

27. never, ever admit to having chocolate or sweets

― Porkpie (porkpie), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:31 (twenty-one years ago)

28. If you stand next to a girl in the lunch queue, it means you fancy them.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:37 (twenty-one years ago)

further to:
14. Someone from one of the other classes has 'done it'.

and it was a certain girl in another grade, and it was with a hot dog! And then she had to have surgery, with her MOM there.

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

29. All the French exchange girls are well up for it (spoken well before any of them have even arrived)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:44 (twenty-one years ago)

30. You're a gaylord.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:46 (twenty-one years ago)

31. If someone steps in front of you in the queue for the twisty slide, you're supposed to yell at them "No cuts, no buts, no coconuts!" (or at least this was at my school)

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

32. The last one in sits in the bin.

― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

33. If you are caught picking your nose in class JUST ONCE you will be called 'bogey nose' untill you leave primary school. Damn it.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Mandee's rule was equally applicable at the nearby Cameron Elementary too (god I haven't though about that SINCE Cameron).

― CeCe Peniston (Anthony Miccio), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:09 (twenty-one years ago)

34. Snicker at the kid named Mike Bating. Tell him you'll be his slave. Then call him Master.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:09 (twenty-one years ago)

35. The weirdo in the back row doesn't talk because his dad KILLED someone and is now in jail.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

36. Never tell anything to Co11een N0lan because she's a liar and she can't keep a secret at all, okay?

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

37. If you look even slightly unclean or dishevelled then your nickname will be scrubber, either that or you are going out with J00n Kr0ft

― Porkpie (porkpie), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:17 (twenty-one years ago)

38. Sticking up your middle finger at someone means you think the other person is an asshole (whatever that means). Crossing your arms and sticking BOTH middle fingers up at somebody is the worst insult you could possibly give someone. A fight is probably imminent.

― CeCe Peniston (Anthony Miccio), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

39. You have never, ever had a wank in your life and would never dream of doing such a thing.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:20 (twenty-one years ago)

39. If you give me a quarter / 20p / eight pesos / 40000 yen I'll be your best friend until lunch.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:20 (twenty-one years ago)

40. if two people are in a fight and a teacher comes to break it up, both must deny that any punches were thrown, even if both are bleeding profusely

41. throwing a dodgeball at someone's head is funny but totally cheating

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:50 (twenty-one years ago)

42. Yeah, I know he's open and in the end zone, but don't throw to Anthony cuz he'll just drop it.

*cries*

― CeCe Peniston (Anthony Miccio), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

43. The worst possible insult to a fellow student's item of clothing/lunchbox/pencil is to say they purchased it in Oxfam.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:53 (twenty-one years ago)

damn ant you took mine!

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

44. This is incredibly witty:

Miss Suzy had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
The steamboat went to heaven
Miss Suzy went to hell - o.
Operator, give me number nine!
(And if you disconnect me
I'll chop off your behind )
the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass
Miss Suzy sat upon it
and broke her big fat ass - k
me no more questions,
I'll tell you no more lies!
The boys are in the girl's room,
zipping up their flies -
are in the meadows and
the bees are in their hives
BREAK
Dark is like a movie,
a movie's like a show
a show is like a tv set
and that is all I know
I know my father
I know I know my pa
I know I know my sister
with a fourty acre bra!

45. First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:56 (twenty-one years ago)

46. Someone spotted the creepy science teacher who touches students a bit too much going into the "adult bookstore."

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 29 July 2004 13:58 (twenty-one years ago)

the bees are in their hives
BREAK
Dark is like a movie,

Break? I learned it:
the bees are in the park,
Miss Suzy and her boyfriend,
are kissing in the D! A! R! K!
D! A! R! K!
D! A! R! K!
DARK DARK DARK
Dark is like the movies,
etc

And what were all those clapping games that go with it? I think I still remember one.

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 29 July 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

47. It is perfectly fine to go round begging coppers from 2nd years until you've got enough for chips for lunch (you spent your lunch money on ten B&H) but never, ever, EVER pick up a copper off the floor.

48. If all the boys ate fish and chips (insert name) would have very greasy lips

― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 29 July 2004 14:05 (twenty-one years ago)

49. The one who smelt it, dealt it.
50. The one who denied it, surely supplied it.

― Tag (Tag), Thursday, 29 July 2004 21:27 (twenty-one years ago)

51. Deliverer of rhyme, perpetrator of crime...

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

52. The worst swearword in the world is "Fizz" and it means a camel's vagina.

― AdamL :') (nordicskilla), Thursday, 29 July 2004 21:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn Suzy, I'd forgotten that one.

― Tag (Tag), Thursday, 29 July 2004 21:40 (twenty-one years ago)

53. Hey, you know what M4tt Ra1nvi11e told me? That 'dude' really means a horse's dick, so when you're saying 'hey dude' to, like, your teacher you're really saying 'hey horse's dick' to your teacher, isn't that cool?'

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Thursday, 29 July 2004 21:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Deliverer of rhyme, perpetrator of crime...

Our rhymes never scanned that badly! It was "He who made the rhyme did the crime" in my neck of the woods.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 23:00 (twenty-one years ago)

9. Those who wear green on Thursday are HORNY.

No, they're really GAY.

― j.lu (j.lu), Thursday, 29 July 2004 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

"Who said the rhyme did the crime"
"Haha, you just said a rhyme"

― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 30 July 2004 09:10 (twenty-one years ago)

54. Bummer.
I know you are but what am I?
Bummer.
Takes one to know one.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Gonna make me?
Don't make shit, it comes naturally.

And so forth.

― Tag (Tag), Friday, 30 July 2004 09:13 (twenty-one years ago)

55. The careers advice man is a paedophile and he's only working as a careers advisor because he got thrown out of the scouts after a dubious camping trip.

― alix (alix), Friday, 30 July 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

56. Black nail varnish means you are a lesbian.

― alix (alix), Friday, 30 July 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

57.Bundle.

― alix (alix), Friday, 30 July 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

BUUUUUNNNDDDDDDDLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAARGGGHHHGERROFFMEYOUCUNTICAN'TFEELMYLEGSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 30 July 2004 09:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Tag's 54 is tremendously evocative.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 30 July 2004 10:16 (twenty-one years ago)

(to be honest, at our school, 80% of playground goading consisted of "Your mum's dead" or, simply, "Your mum!".)

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 30 July 2004 10:18 (twenty-one years ago)

*spits on the ground*
See that? That's your swimming pool, that is.

― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:22 (twenty-one years ago)

There was no oneupmanship about swimming pool sizes at my school, largely because no one had one. Or am I missing the point?

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:26 (twenty-one years ago)

59. "If you want to be part of my pen club, I'll let you join. Hold still and I'll write the magic entry words, which're "I LOVE PEN" in a sharpie on your hand. I'm number 14, so you're 15... here..."

I LOVE PEN15!

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually, people at my secondary school did, but I assumed this thread was about primary school. And there was still no one-upmanship anyway.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:27 (twenty-one years ago)

60. The lesbian guidance counselor Joyce Labonte has chnaged her name to Juice Labonte.

61. Someone saw two teachers fucking in Stuarts parking lot.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:28 (twenty-one years ago)

62. All vaccinations were administered into the buttocks with a REALLY BIG NEEDLE which meant it hurt to sit down for a week.
63. All the Special Unit kids lived on a caravan site.
64. Anyone called John or Johnny should be repeatedly asked "Can I borrow your robber, Johnny?".

― Tag (Tag), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:36 (twenty-one years ago)

65. One kid in another class got an erection when the nurse checked his testicles.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:39 (twenty-one years ago)

66. You can get away with smoking in a science lesson if you're doing the peanut experiment.

― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:41 (twenty-one years ago)

64. should obviously say "rubber" not "robber". And naturally, anyone called Joe was exclusively referred to as Joey.

― Tag (Tag), Friday, 30 July 2004 11:50 (twenty-one years ago)

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