Do crying strangers want to be ignored or looked after?

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I was on the tube on my way home last night, and at the first stop a girl got on, sat opposite me, and proceeded to sob her heart out for the next 20 minutes. There was nobody else in the carriage. I wasn't hammered, but I was drunk enough that I didn't quite trust my own reactions to situations like that. Should I have said somthing? I'm not sure whether, if it was me crying lots in a public place, I'd want somebody to ask if I was ok. I kept thinking of examples of things that might have upset her (getting dumped/bereaved/attacked/sacked/etc) and none of them seemed to be things I could've helped with anyway. I decided that I'd wait to see if she looked up, and if she had done I'd have tried to make sympathetic-looking eye contact and mouthed "y'alright?". But she didn't, and I got to my stop, and I got off and went home.

― JimD (JimD), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:29 (twenty-one years ago)

If you can't help then don't intrude. I guess that's the best way of putting it.

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe I could've helped though. Maybe she was upset because she'd gone out to try and meet new people but nobody had spoken to her all night. Or something.

― JimD (JimD), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Dunno about that, I had an awful time once of being unable to prevent myself from sobbing in public, and all the people just walking by averting their faces made it worse.
Then when a woman stopped and asked me if I was ok, I was able to stop crying enough to mutter 'Yes thanks I'll be fine" and somehow her kind gesture helped me to regain control.
I even felt better-ish.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:42 (twenty-one years ago)

I've cried in public. I was really embarrassed about it and didn't want anyone to notice.

― Maneating Leopards of India (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Obviously it kinda depends on WHY she was crying - I suspect her reaction to you if she was drunk and very emotional would have been entirely different to if, say, her mother had just died.

I think waiting to try and make eye contact, or just going "are you okay?" is the best course of action. It's easy to see how this would be awkward, but if she sat directly opposite you in an entirely empty she obviously wasn't hugely bothered about being noticed - it was either a call for help or she was entirely oblivious/indifferent to your presence.

Situations like this would be much easier if I was a woman, I think.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I would be embarrassed about people trying to help, but I'd also be pleased and feel a bit better about the world.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:55 (twenty-one years ago)

i would think a simple 'are you ok?' would be most suitable in this situation. Then if she needs your help she'll say.

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:55 (twenty-one years ago)

They're pretty much bound to say 'Yes' though - that's the social convention.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

She might have been drunk and just received a particularly unpleasant rejection from someone, in which case she might have noticed your kindness and pounced on you on the rebound.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Damn right! Bewildered crying fuck!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:58 (twenty-one years ago)

I hate men.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:58 (twenty-one years ago)

We hate ourselves.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 08:59 (twenty-one years ago)

They're pretty much bound to say 'Yes' though - that's the social convention.

They might say "DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?!"

― hobart paving (hobart paving), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I think it can make it worse if you are in such a state that crying can't be stopped, and no one stops or makes comment.
I certainly didn't think i wanted anyone to stop and look at me, it was embarrassing enough to be crying where I was, but my sense of desolation was eased so much by that one woman stopping,I will always stop and ask now, if I ever see someone else in the same situation.

― donna (donna), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I did this once, asking if a crying woman was okay (she wasn't, her dad had just been diagnosed as terminal), and ended up getting a job interview out of it! Fwiw, we talked until I got off the train and she seemed really pleased that I'd bothered.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

she was probably going to tell you that she lost her tube ticket and couldn't get out of the tube system and whether you could lend her the 30p she needs to pay the penalty fare.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

They might say "DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?!"

This it true. However, I wouldn't take that as an invitation to help.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:06 (twenty-one years ago)

that's more an invitation to the fight club.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:07 (twenty-one years ago)

"Um, can I help at all?"

― Andrew Blood Thames (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:07 (twenty-one years ago)

"Bitch, does you want some six inches to shut up your fucking wailing like?"

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:08 (twenty-one years ago)

"were coldplay really that shit?"

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

They're pretty much bound to say 'Yes' though - that's the social convention.
But if she needs help from said random stranger then it will be an opportunity for her to say so rather than just saying it out of the blue as such!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Situations like this would be much easier if I was a woman, I think.

I maybe think this too. I was also very aware of the fact that she was really beautiful, which meant I couldn't trust my own motivation. Would I have felt the same urge to interact with her if she'd been a minger? Not wanting to be sleazy was definitely a part of what made me keep quiet.

― JimD (JimD), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I experienced this last year. I was walking through the City to catch a bus and a businesswoman walked past me in floods of tears. I stopped, but then realised I didn't know what to say, so kept going. From the advice I took the next morning, I assume asking if they're OK is about the best you can do if you choose to get involved. Though personally, I'd probably just say something evil.

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:12 (twenty-one years ago)

would you have asked if it were a bloke crying?

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:12 (twenty-one years ago)

I would definitely.

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Blokes don't cry, wimp.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

"Just made contact with a tearful minger? Need an escape route?"

God, I hate those ads.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Hang on, there was no-one else in the carriage but she sat OPPOSITE you? that alone seems a bit unusual, and possibly a sign of a request for attention.

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Stevem OTM.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:16 (twenty-one years ago)

"I saw this thing on ITV the other day..."

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I said that upthread, grumble whinge moan etc ;)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

yeh but i'm better looking than you

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:19 (twenty-one years ago)

would you have asked if it were a bloke crying?

Hmm. Yeah, I think I probably would've. I wouldn't have been double-thinking my own motivation then, or over-worrying about the outcome, I'd have just responded naturally.

Man, I so got gender issues.

(x-post) Aw jeez, don't start telling me I should've pulled her. She was lovely...

― JimD (JimD), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry Matt. Stevem's just so much better looking than you.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:20 (twenty-one years ago)

It was one of those defining moments in life, Jim, and you fouled it up.

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Nick was that a x-post? oh dear

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:23 (twenty-one years ago)

The thread title really ought to be changed to "Do crying strangers want to be ignored, looked after, or hit on?"

― Alba (Alba), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Something similar to this happened to me in Feburary actually - I was sitting opposite a girl and a guy, but this was in a pretty full carriage this time. The girl was looking visibly unhappy being there, kept trying to get up out of her seat, possibly to get off the train altogether, but the guy kept grabbing her arm and forcing her back down into her seat. This happened several times.

They seemed to know one another, but everyone else in the carriage could see what was happening and was looking nervously at one another. But the bloke was very scary looking indeed, and no one did anything. I felt bad, and several horrible scenarios flashed through my mind as I got off the train - but on the other hand, what good could I have done?

(xpost Steve's made me cry now)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha, no, it was a deliberate "let's headfuck people" moment. Worked!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Steve's made me cry now

Are you ok Matt? Is there anything I can do? Fancy a shag?

― JimD (JimD), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Do I fucking look okay?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Also how dare you take advantage, you heartless cad.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Hoorah. This role play has reassured me that my actions last night were the right ones. Me = content.

― JimD (JimD), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:40 (twenty-one years ago)

the costumes really assisted the credibility of the role play i must say

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Roleplay?! Matt's SOBBING HIS HEART OUT you cad!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:42 (twenty-one years ago)

i think you did the right thing, probably. she would have looked up if she wanted to talk to you. on the other hand, i think matt's situation was different, and i probably would have stepped in. but since i'm a girl, there's less chance the wanker boyfriend would have punched me for getting involved, so that has to be factored in...

― colette (a2lette), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I think some people on here were on a train where Robbo pulled the communication handle because of a similar situation (maybe Lixi and Sarah??)

― Porkpie (porkpie), Thursday, 29 July 2004 09:47 (twenty-one years ago)

was lixi pulling on sarah's arm or was it the other way round?

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 29 July 2004 11:06 (twenty-one years ago)

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