Humans should have been built with one mouth for talking and another, near the stomach, for eating

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Then we could do the following simultaneously:

- eat and talk
- drink and talk
- eat and drink
- chew gum and eat/drink
- chew gum and talk
- cough and drink
- perform a solo duet
- perform mouth-to-mouth when not within range of an ambulance driver or bicycle pump
- autofellate/autocunnilinge

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 01:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Wait, how do you figure that last one!?

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 01:48 (twenty-one years ago)

You'd need a bit of a long tongue.

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 01:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Indeed. Or a mouth on a stalky kind of oh god stop the images I am getting plz.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 01:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, it'd do away with cutlery and bending down, and such.

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 01:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Paging Doctor Benway...

― Chris F. (servoret), Friday, 30 July 2004 02:54 (twenty-one years ago)

chew gum and eat/drink

Surely only one can taste? This is madness.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 30 July 2004 02:59 (twenty-one years ago)

The ability to auto-fellate would have disastrous consequences for the survival of a species. So, I poo-poo your idea.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:01 (twenty-one years ago)

oops, do you know how babies are made?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, and do you know what I'd do if I could fellate myself?

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Wear it down?

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:07 (twenty-one years ago)

No. The correct answer is "nothing else".

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Because you've worn it down?

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:09 (twenty-one years ago)

No, I propose three mouths. One for eating and drinking, one for talking, and one on the and of the long stalk that Trayce posits, for pleasure. In this world, it's a HUGE controversy and hot-button political issue whether people should use ther third mouth for self-gratifiation or other-people-gratification or for the... uh... good of... something. The conservatives argue that using the third mouth is against what God intended, since it's clearly designed for sucking up spilled sugar off of cafeteria tables, AND THAT'S ALL, YOU SINNERS! Meanwhile, second-mouth purists stay up very late at might so that they might stuff their stalk-mouth with long pieces of bamboo, procured from what are now highly illegal bamboo farms. Many third-mouth advocates openly claim that eating bamboo makes them feel very good, and even brings them to orgasm. When two-mouth advocates are caught with bamboo, their careers are inevitably over.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:12 (twenty-one years ago)

The ability to auto-fellate would have disastrous consequences for the survival of a species.

Ron Jeremy can do this, you know.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:15 (twenty-one years ago)

I always thought that having two heads would be proper evolution. One for evenings out, unscrew it the next morning, replace with the other while the night before's cools down and you're good to go. And of course they wouldn't look the same, just to keep people guessing.

― jim wentworth (wench), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:26 (twenty-one years ago)

"If I had two faces, you think I'd be wearing this one?"

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Kenan I think you have been reading too much Phillip K Dick, dude.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:29 (twenty-one years ago)

(haha.. Dick... see what I did there... I'll get me coat)

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:29 (twenty-one years ago)

I like Jims idea. I want two heads. The batteries are worn out on this one :(

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Um, Trayce?

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Hey, I meant the batteries in my brain, perv ;P

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 03:39 (twenty-one years ago)

we must never forget the pleasures of silence

dumb people talk to much already

fat people eat too much already, filling our precious spaces with their sickening bulk

both of these problems would be vastly increased with this genetic engineering proposal

it must be stopped before the fatties take over

― Paladin, Friday, 30 July 2004 03:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, go puke up your lunch.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:04 (twenty-one years ago)

or...cum it?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Heh. Now theres an ... unusual image =)

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:07 (twenty-one years ago)

roxy, you are a whore and a filthmonger.

But seriously, that's really weird and gross.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:39 (twenty-one years ago)

But then no more of those times where somebody laughs really hard while drinking and it comes out there nose. I don't know if I want to live in a world where this doesn't occur anymore.

― kickitcricket (kickitcricket), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Who's to say there won't be an extra nose as well?

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Smelling in stereo? Hmmmm. I wonder what that would be like?

― kickitcricket (kickitcricket), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Like bringing yourself to orgasm with bamboo.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh you say that about everything.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't knock it 'till etc.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:54 (twenty-one years ago)

"How was the concert Kenan?"
"What was it like meeting the Pope?"
"What's it like to masturbate with foliage?"

― oops (Oops), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:54 (twenty-one years ago)

You guys.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:56 (twenty-one years ago)

"How'd it feel to sit on that broomstick by accident?"

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 04:56 (twenty-one years ago)

"What was it like meeting the Pope?"

Silk, dude. Silk and satin and the most combed cotton known to man. The Pope doesn't *need* to masturbate with all that going on, much less with bamboo.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 30 July 2004 05:01 (twenty-one years ago)

The Pope masturbating? You're sick.

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 05:02 (twenty-one years ago)

He has a cardinal to do it for him, obv.

― Careful with that Almanac Eugene (Autumn Almanac), Friday, 30 July 2004 05:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Only on ILX could a thread about humans having 2 mouths turn into one about the pope masturbating.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 July 2004 05:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Burgess Shale fauna to thread.

― MarkH (MarkH), Friday, 30 July 2004 06:51 (twenty-one years ago)

we must seriously face the threat of genetic engineering to the normal population

fat people with two mouths could expand their gravitational mass so quickly as to form black holes

these would mostly be clustered in the midwest

this could prove devestating to the agrarian regions of this country

the threat is real

― Paladin, Friday, 30 July 2004 07:41 (twenty-one years ago)

I tried SO hard to find a picture on the web of one of those guys who paint their fat bellies like a face and then put on a giant top hat to cover them from the belly up. For whatever reason, that was the first thing that came to my mind when I saw this thread.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Friday, 30 July 2004 08:26 (twenty-one years ago)

this isn't quite what i imagined, but oh well...
http://chumpco.com/~snicker/philly/Thumbnails/47.jpg

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Friday, 30 July 2004 08:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Can you imagine what this would do to heated dinner party debate? The middle classes would kill each other.

Paladin, I have no time at all for people like you. I realise your last post was mostly a joke, but the underlying prejudice is offensive. Please go back to whatever pro-ana message board you came from.

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 30 July 2004 08:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh my poor heartses.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Friday, 30 July 2004 08:52 (twenty-one years ago)

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