warning warning DO NOT SEE 'THE VILLAGE' IT IS A PIECE OF SHIT warning warning

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so i saw this movie last night and MY GOD it is so much worse than you ever imagined

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:48 (twenty-one years ago)

i mean this might even totally destroy m night shyamalan's career, people at the screening were so pissed off. dude should NOT ever write his own scripts again

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Answer me this -- in terms of making the woods seem creepy, better or worse than, to give a recent example, Blair Witch Project?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:50 (twenty-one years ago)

much worse

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Okay, so it's settled, this weekend I'm NOT seeing the Village, but rather, Asian-Americans Get The Munchies. Thanks Slocks!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

does anybody think this guy's movies are any good?

― hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

i mean i don't want to give away any of the lame "twists," but let's just say shyamalan promises a whole lot that he never delivers

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

To quote from the General Movie anticipation thread: The Villages look as - or more - shitty than M. Night Shamaladingdong's last flick, with even more pseudoreligious new-agey shit. Am I right, or was it just generally crappy? s1ocki - the best way to ensure that nobody'll see it is to spoil the crummy fake-twist ending.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, spoil away. Just post a big spoiler warning or else ask Martin or Sean to change the subject line.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:52 (twenty-one years ago)

i don't like the guy's movies but i did think he had an eye for suspensey scary sequences--there were a couple good ones in 'signs,' despite the movie's pious suckiness--but man does he ever shoot himself in the foot here. you won't believe how stupid this movie is.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:52 (twenty-one years ago)

hmm. no water-soluble aliens, though?

― el sabor de gene (yournullfame), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:52 (twenty-one years ago)

s1ocki -- be a dear and give the ending away.

― ENRQ (Enrique), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:53 (twenty-one years ago)

ROSEBUD WAS HIS SLED!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:53 (twenty-one years ago)

here's two versions of what i WISH had happened:

1. village is in long conflict with mysterious blue beings in the woods, which culminates in a huge battle in which everyone but joaquin phoenix's character is killed. him and his surviving cat take to the forest and he changes his name to gargamel in the climactic last shot when we realize OMG IT'S A SURPRISE SMURFS ORIGIN STORY MOVIE!!!

2. village is in long conflict with mysterious woodland beings which we realize in the last shot are ALIENS and that sigourney weaver's character's last name is RIPLEY and OMG IT'S A SURPRISE ALIEN MOVIE WITH RIPLEY'S GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMA!

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, but what did happen?

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:55 (twenty-one years ago)

HIS WIFE'S HEAD. IN A BOX.

― ENRQ (Enrique), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:55 (twenty-one years ago)

OK OK SPOILERS SPOILERS HERE COME THE SPOILERS THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE WATCH OUT FOR THE SPOILERS

HERE BE THE SPOILERS:

ok so hahaha you won't believe this but the creatures in the woods (the ones who wear red robes!) aren't actually monsters at all but the village elders!! they're meant to scare the young ones away from the forest because OMG OMG OMG it's actually THE PRESENT DAY and all the adults are like friends from some support group who retreated in the woods because each of them suffered a SERIOUS PERSONAL TRAGEDY in the city!

and let me tell ya, once i realized those monsters weren't real boy did the movie lose any semblance of interest at all. and wtf, dude sends his BLIND DAUGHTER into the woods to get medicine... anyway it's too complicated to explain right now and i'd rather not, but hooooooo did this movie suck. also worst dialogue ever, which i guess you can explain by the fact that they're actually modern-day people trying to talk old-timey (first hint that things are not what they seem: when did pilgrims ever eat tossed salads?)

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 13:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I hope that flight-paths were considered in the placement of this town.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

don't like the guy's movies but i did think he had an eye for suspensey scary sequences--there were a couple good ones in 'signs,' despite the movie's pious suckiness

OTM Especially that part in Signs with the footage of that kid's birthday party. That part was creepy!

― thorJESUHOY (Thor), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

That is the biggest sack of unmitigated shit since Gargantua let down his pants.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Are there any of these moments (the only reason I would be interested) in The Village?

― thorJESUHOY (Thor), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

jeremy: that is actually mentioned in shymalan's totally vain and self-conscious cameo at the end of the movie!

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

thor: no

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Old people = scary? Is this a reflection on Hollywood's core demographic?

― ENRQ (Enrique), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

(and i agree with you about the birthday party scene, that was totally good, but there is nothing at all like that here)

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

also worst dialogue ever, which i guess you can explain by the fact that they're actually modern-day people trying to talk old-timey

"I say, um, Jebediah, hast thou seen mine container of the electrical effluvia which, er, playest back tunes of great merriment and disport through, uh, the small devices placed in one's earhole?"

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:03 (twenty-one years ago)

it's all "LET US SPEAK ON THIS MATTER MY CHILDREN"

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:04 (twenty-one years ago)

TEH MONSTERS ARE PEOPLE - I KNEW IT!!!! I WIN FIVE DOLLARS ON BET HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

Unbreakable was a great movie though. I'll always forgive him just for that one.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:07 (twenty-one years ago)

i didn't like unbreakable but this was way worse

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I seriously bet money against this dude who was like "WOAH THIS LOOKS SO TEH CREEPY" and I was like "dude I bet you a fiver that there's not even actually real monsters in the woods". A WINNER IS ME.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:11 (twenty-one years ago)

i thought it was sorta charming, i dunno. wasn't great. wasn't scary either!

but i had it figured out VERY early, i swear. something about the first few scenes, and i'm like, 'i bet it's actually today'

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:11 (twenty-one years ago)

dude can you explain me WHY DID HE SEND THE BLIND GIRL TO FIND THE MEDICINE IN THE TOWNS IT MAKES NO SENSE AND IS SO STUPID

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:12 (twenty-one years ago)

and also WORST BLIND GIRL EVER

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:12 (twenty-one years ago)

(in the sense of least convincing performance as a blind girl ever)

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

BCZ SINCE SHE'S BLIND EVEN IF SHE GETS THE MEDICINE SHE WON'T KNOW WHATS OUT THERE

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

SO WHY DIDNT HE GO

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

i mean it was a pretty big fucking coincidence that she did get the medicine and didn't fall down a hole or get hit by a truck or just wander off into some other woods or something

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:13 (twenty-one years ago)

maybe she had sonar.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:14 (twenty-one years ago)

i think i was twigged by all the careful '19th century house' details, something had to be up

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:14 (twenty-one years ago)

he took an oath dude! see it all makes perfect sense! especially the idea that someone fleeing the history dept at the u of pennsylvania can authorize satellite reroutes and stuff

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:16 (twenty-one years ago)

well he was the son of a billionaire

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:19 (twenty-one years ago)

a whole town of kids being brought up to talk this way! ("hezekaiah! you know our laws forbid contractions! do not speak of them henceforth.") and they'll be all inbred! that sort of scary, right?

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:20 (twenty-one years ago)

they never did get around to explaining who actually skinned all those goats and left all those warning signs (was it supposed to be adrien brody? but he was inside when that stuff happened!)

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:20 (twenty-one years ago)

also how bad was that speech that joaquin gave blind girl, when he was all "YES I WILL DANCE WITH YOU ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT MY FAIR, MY SWEET"

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:20 (twenty-one years ago)

would this be funny if you were stoned? worth ... $2?

― Whiskeytown Littlecock (ex machina), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:21 (twenty-one years ago)

still, i had a good time watching it. but the movie ended up being a metaphor for itself, ie monsters patrolling the woods to keep town in line = film's increasingly strained justifications for its own premise

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:22 (twenty-one years ago)

i really liked Unbreakable for lotsa reasons. I never did see the Sixth Sense all the way thru but the 1/2 i did see freaked me out.

― Kingfish von Bandersnatch (Kingfish), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:23 (twenty-one years ago)

hahahaah adrien brody as village idiot!

― thorJESUHOY (Thor), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:23 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah that's the loose end! wm hurt is like "oh, i dunno, one of us is doing it. anyway, good luck!"

― g--ff (gcannon), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:25 (twenty-one years ago)

jon: no i think it would be a pretty boring stoner movie

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 30 July 2004 14:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 195 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

i love, love, LOVE that book cover

― s1ocki (slutsky), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 20:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Bob Guccione, Sr. agrees with you re: Caligula.

What I meant was Caligula actually works as unintentional comedy (IT'S FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!) while Ebert seems to think it's unenjoyable on any level whatsoever.

The porn in it sucks and is pretty tame, btw.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 20:49 (twenty-one years ago)

ebert's review of jack frost (the snowman movie with michael keaton) in that book is awesome. it more tahn redeems any of his more questionable reviews.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 20:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Did anyone actually see the episode where they reviewed The Village? It was pretty funny -- Roeper was SHOCKED that Ebert gave it a bad review. The conversation was like:

Roeper: "Wait, so you're saying it was a BAD film?"

Ebert: "Yes, I thought it was a bad film."

Roeper: "I can't believe you would call it a BAD film. Really? A BAD film?"

Ebert: "Yes."

Roeper: "A BAD film. Wow."

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 21:15 (twenty-one years ago)

A higher-than-two-thirds drop-off in business following opening weekend = not a ringing endorsement.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 03:09 (twenty-one years ago)

order is restored to the universe

― |a|m|t|r|s|t| (amateurist), Wednesday, 11 August 2004 03:12 (twenty-one years ago)

two weeks pass...

I thought the Village was okay, I enjoyed it. It's a relaxing horror/suspense film, it's a new genre.

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 30 August 2004 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

the unsuspenseful suspense film!

― s1ocki (slutsky), Monday, 30 August 2004 17:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"That suspense movie wasn't suspenseful, but it sure was relaxing!"

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Monday, 30 August 2004 17:05 (twenty-one years ago)

It was ok I thought! It would have been better if there actually was a supernatural element to it.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:50 (twenty-one years ago)

WHEN COME BACK BRING GHOSTS

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 30 August 2004 18:50 (twenty-one years ago)

AND XENOMORPHS

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Monday, 30 August 2004 21:19 (twenty-one years ago)

and Xena, Warrior Princess

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 30 August 2004 21:22 (twenty-one years ago)

It sounds like a Scooby Doo episode.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 30 August 2004 21:28 (twenty-one years ago)

only boring and self-important

― s1ocki (slutsky), Monday, 30 August 2004 22:25 (twenty-one years ago)

I have met someone who liked this film.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 11:14 (twenty-one years ago)

m night shyamalan's is supposed to be directing a film of Yann Martel's Life of Pi next. He's going to ruin it by the sound of things.

― MarkH (MarkH), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 11:33 (twenty-one years ago)

And the big twist is THE TIGER IS SECRETLY A LION!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 12:07 (twenty-one years ago)

The Tiger is Bruce Willis!

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 12:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Look Who's Floating

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 12:10 (twenty-one years ago)

MR SHYAMALONG PLS DROP THE "SURPRISE" ENDING THING AND MAYBE YR MOVIES MIGHT BE KICKASS, KY? HOLLA BACK

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 19:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I have no idea where that KY came from and what I was implying with it. I am getting a wee bit OUT OF CONTROL over here.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 19:25 (twenty-one years ago)

maybe more KY is what his films need...

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 23:05 (twenty-one years ago)

and Xena, Warrior Princess
-- miloauckerman (suspectdevic...), August 30th, 2004.

XENAPMORPHS

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 23:06 (twenty-one years ago)

six months pass...

I saw this tonight... I laughed through much of it.

I figured out The 6th Sense in about 10 minutes and told my XGF who punched me in the arm and I couldn't even be bothered to finish Unbreakable because by the stadium part, I really didn't care what happened to either character regardless of what shocking plot twist awaited.

But I thought the Village was funny. It was like the Truman Show meets Jurassic Park meets Little House On The Prairie meets The Sound & The Fury (Caddy/Benjie) but with a unintentionally hilarious plot, hilariously overdone acting, I expected blind girlto bring back a pizza and a cellphone along with the medicines.

― gygax! (gygax!), Saturday, 19 March 2005 08:59 (twenty years ago)

god, I hated Unbreakable. Bruce Willis looking tired + slow pace + Samuel L. Jackson in long overcoat does not = a good film. M. Night Shamalon, I call bullshit!

― Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (Gear!), Saturday, 19 March 2005 09:15 (twenty years ago)

five months pass...

Okay, the scenes of Blind Girl in the forest all by her lonesome were good enough to render this almost defensible.

I think I was less annoyed, having had the twist spoiled, than if I went in blind expecting suspense/horror.

― milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Saturday, 17 September 2005 03:52 (twenty years ago)

when she gets chased by adrien brody?!

― s1ocki (slutsky), Saturday, 17 September 2005 05:41 (twenty years ago)

Well, I came in halfway (right as she's being led toward the Shed That Shall Not Be Touched or whatever), I thought it was just her fear, until his face was revealed. But yeah.

― milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Saturday, 17 September 2005 06:12 (twenty years ago)

As stupid as the half I saw way, it seemed to be worlds better than Signs or the Sixth Sense.

― milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Saturday, 17 September 2005 06:14 (twenty years ago)

haha tossed salads

― geoff (gcannon), Sunday, 18 September 2005 20:36 (twenty years ago)

I like all these movies. And I NEVER see the twist coming, because the lights dim in my brain as well as in the theater (or livingroom). I'm like a sheep, rolling on my back, exposing my underbelly to the fangs of the Hollywood wolf. All they have to do is flash a little CGI in front of me and I'm total tapioca. Anything with special effects or time travel or clones or any kind of weirdness. Very very low standards, that's me. And I have so much fun. Way more than y'all. I don't think you folks are drinking/smoking enuf.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 18 September 2005 23:38 (twenty years ago)

how i wish it were true.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Sunday, 18 September 2005 23:39 (twenty years ago)

I am so sorry. Perhaps a mild head injury is called for.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Sunday, 18 September 2005 23:57 (twenty years ago)

I only mildly disliked this until the twist took it to new levels of badness.

― jeffrey (johnson), Monday, 19 September 2005 00:00 (twenty years ago)

five months pass...

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/hollywood/hollywoodsides/0228061woods1.html

― Adam Rice Lacucaracha (nordicskilla), Friday, 3 March 2006 17:20 (nineteen years ago)

Did Terrified Boy #1 really give $180 worth of performance?

― Adam Rice Lacucaracha (nordicskilla), Friday, 3 March 2006 17:22 (nineteen years ago)

awesome

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 3 March 2006 17:29 (nineteen years ago)

three weeks pass...

when did pilgrims ever eat tossed salads?

Geoff I am so with you on this.

― Dan (ROFFLE) Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 29 March 2006 20:44 (nineteen years ago)

those were some cold winter nights

― s1ocki (slutsky), Wednesday, 29 March 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

It's coming! It's coming! It's in the trees! It's a fucker in lion-quills! Kill him!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 29 March 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

Dan your description of this movie on the War of the World thread is the greatest thing ever.

― My Psychic Friends Are Strangely Silent (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 29 March 2006 20:59 (nineteen years ago)

This sounds like the funniest movie ever made. EVER.

― Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyzay), Wednesday, 29 March 2006 21:04 (nineteen years ago)

wow, it seems i didnt mind this movie when it came out. i never saw it again, though, and it hasn't stayed in my memory

― latebloomer: band to the planet mars (latebloomer), Thursday, 30 March 2006 05:02 (nineteen years ago)

i guess the worst thing about it is that despite the absurdity of the plot, its too dull to be campy fun

― latebloomer: band to the planet mars (latebloomer), Thursday, 30 March 2006 05:12 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

finally saw this, on TV earlier, out of curiosity, expecting it to be bad but because i'd remembered ILX people hating it of course it did not seem half as bad in the end despite the boring dip midway through after the 'not actually monsters' confirmation. enjoyed the later twist but i rarely foresee such things (thankfully). ignorance is bliss, or in this case, just reasonably pleasant viewing.

― blueski, Sunday, 6 January 2008 00:54 (eighteen years ago)

Dued I was supposed to watch this for this 'easy A' type college class called "Gender in the Movies." I have no idea why; I skipped class that day, and most other, which is why I got a big fat 'F.'

M. Night was in People's "sexiest man" issue this year. ?!?!????!

― Abbott, Sunday, 6 January 2008 01:07 (eighteen years ago)

perhaps he is more dashing than matt damon

― blueski, Sunday, 6 January 2008 01:27 (eighteen years ago)

worked it out anyway:
villagers = us
elders = government
dude with the truck = extra-terrestrials
m night = god

― blueski, Sunday, 6 January 2008 01:34 (eighteen years ago)

because the lights dim in my brain as well as in the theater (or livingroom)

Beth is awesome

― blueski, Sunday, 6 January 2008 01:36 (eighteen years ago)

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