A Compromising Situation

Soft limits are the point where you may compromise, depending on the situation. Hard limits, I will not move upon. Some people approach these in different ways – I know one person who completely doesn’t understand that when asking for things there is a point where the answer will be “no”, irrespective of the situation. It is just “no”.

I actually find that the better people at compromise are those that are givers themselves, and those that seem constantly on the take (and always perceive themselves as a giving sort, which is really funny in itself as I) they never do II) they have nothing to give) are really poor at understanding there are such boundaries.

The amount of times I have heard the “I would lend it to you if you were in this kind of situation” really bothers me. Because the simple fact is that I wouldn’t get myself into such a situation in the first place, so would never be asking for this! The way some people seek compromise is just wrong.

Err….I drifted a bit off topic here. I suppose I may have to come to some compromise soon. I am looking at a job in London – whether I will get it I doubt, but I suppose I might. My girlfriend is a trainee scots lawyer. I suppose that may result in some form of compromise, but it will be more an absolute decision I guess. Probably won’t come to that though.

Compromise is something that two people have to agree to do, otherwise it's something else by definition (telling someone they must 'compromise' is often code for just wanting your own spoilt way).

I think this is quite important, and a good way of looking at things. Because it works in almost all situations - work, creative, even relationships. If a person insists that you compromise on a hard limit, it's a probably sign that the people in the relationship are just incompatible.

when I make compromises I try to make it clear that I've made a compromise, so that people don't just take it for granted.

This is SOOOOO Urgent & Key. But not in a passive-agressive sort of "look, I'm making a compromise for you!" way, but rather so the other half doesn't take the compromise for granted. Suffering in silence != compromise. This can be as problematic as not compromising at all.

Or is the mechanics of compromise the same?

I suspect that one can be a little more lax with work compromises, since it's something that doesn't particularly affect you emotionally. Creative situations, however, (such as bands) are often very much like romantic relationships, so I've found that the compromises involved are a lot more similar to relationship compromises than those involved with work compromises.

After all, with a job, you usually get to go home afterwards and walk away from it. It can upset/affect you, but only so much. It's a lot easier to leave a job than a marriage.

This could be because I have my values wrong, but really work matters a lot. You spend a lot of time there and it can be something that you really value (like, if being in a band was your main source of income)

Also, I am struck by the wisdom of whoever said that it is important to let people know when you are compromising. I dont think I do this enough.

Like Gem, my worst was the exact same thing - different countries, no one wanted to move, he couldnt do it, we broke up. I mean what can you do.

It wasn't what she wanted. I did. But I wanted her more. We stayed together. We still vacation there and moved to the mountains instead. :)

That story sounded better in my head.