Amusing poems...

See, now if you had mentioned this first...

I bet we could write you some brilliant personalised limericks before Friday, if you give us enough details to go on!

They studied sculpture at St. Martin's College
That's how Nick
Got on their wick...

"We want to be like married people
We want to do whatever married people do
We want to sleep with married people
And that means each other, not you."
What else could Nick do?
He said, "I'll see what I can do."

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

"The yellowfly has wings of fire
and spreads them like a flame
the bedbug has no wings at all
but gets there just the same"

Young Matt met a fine girl named Kate
Though at first they did bicker and hate
But across many days
Through an alcohol-haze
The ructions did start to abate

Now Matt was a headstrong young man
Who hatched an extraordinary plan
But it all went awry
When kicked out of uni
Due to his boozy élan

Now Kate she was far less foolish
Her degree it did not go amiss
So they moved in together
In the damp Devon weather
But only once she had finished

Remembering how they did meet
When Kate she did call Matt a “creep”
And years ‘twixt now and then
Overtime worked at SWEB
That they’re now getting married is sweet

(i don't know any...)

A is for Amy, the ho from downstairs.
B is for Basil, who's cruising for bears.
C is for Clara whose boyfriend is gay.
D is for Desmond (who made him that way).
E is for Ernest who's hung like a runt.
F is for Fanny, who's British for cunt.
G is for George, smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector and hooha and hug.
I is for Ida whose cherry was popped.
J is for James whose balls have not dropped.
K is for Kate who was fucked in the bum.
L is for Leo who swallowed some come.
M is for Maud who puts out at sea.
N is for Neville and Nookie Navy.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue who hooks at the mall.
Q is for Quentin who really likes feet.
R is for Rhoda who's hungry for meat.
S is for Susan who's got some nice tits.
T is for Titus who plays with his bits.
U is for Una who sucks like a seal.
V is for Victor who's crushed under heel.
W is for Winnie who quivers at ice,
X is for Xerxes who likes that thing with the rice.
Y is for Yorick who got dug up and fucked,
Z is for Zillah who did too.

-- Tep (te...), April 21st, 2004.

'This is your birthday song, hey! it is not very long, hey!'

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/09/CameronShute.jpg

General Shute had an intense dislike for the unconventional "nautical" traditions of the Royal Naval Division and made numerous unpopular attempts to stamp them out. He was particularly critical of the poor management of the latrines which could have led to an outbreak of dysentery. Following a particularly critical inspection of the trenches by General Shute, an officer of the division, Sub-Lieutenant A. P. Herbert, who later became a famous humorous writer, legal satirist and Member of Parliament, wrote a popular poem that summed up the feelings of the men of the RND:

The General inspecting the trenches
Exclaimed with a horrified shout
'I refuse to command a division
Which leaves its excreta about.'

But nobody took any notice
No one was prepared to refute,
That the presence of shit was congenial
Compared to the presence of Shute.

And certain responsible critics
Made haste to reply to his words
Observing that his staff advisors
Consisted entirely of turds.

For shit may be shot at odd corners
And paper supplied there to suit,
But a shit would be shot without mourners
If somebody shot that shit Shute.