Being given compliments - Classic or Dud?

Dud: "compliments" that seem like a variant on "You're boring me," such as "Gee, you know so much about [x]."

Classic: most everything else.

xpost Ronan, that's what I did. I think I said "I'm not cool but I try" - UGH! somebody needs to prise the fist from my mouth.

Ego boosts are good, and we all need them...so don't feel bad about your reactions, as they are probably more apparent to you than to others.

"you're really [blank]"
"thanks."
"no, i mean it. you are."
"ok. thanks. i'm going to the bar."
"look, i hope you don't think i'm saying this because i'm drunk. it's just that i really, really think [blank]"

ad infinitum

x-post

xpost

Oh no! it was an xpost to Fergal really. I live dangerously, no such and such has such and suched since you last posted.

I really think it's time I took the rubbish out, later dudes, you all rock.

yeah. I mean, if someone tells me they like my shirt, what do I have to gain by being suspicious? if they're trying to get something out of me, they still have to bring it up eventually, and it's not like feeling good about the earlier compliment renders me incapable of saying no.

(although of course I am frequently guilty of the "that person must've been joking" variety of suspicion, i.e. last weekend when I was dancing quite drunkenly and some girl told me "I like the way you move". but I maintain that this is a totally different thing altogether.)

how does I take compliments lately a list of three ways

1. Yeah? Fuck you, pay me.
2. I guess so but what does that get me, a fucking medal?
3. Liar.

(nb I am not actually responding in this way to ppl it is just the internal monologue)

I think that's a fairly enlightened stance, actually bernard -- to make your enjoyment of the compliment not hinged on the person's truthfulness. But on the whole I'd rather just not put any stock in that stuff unless I have a reason to.

See, people like Tom are really frustrating when you genuinely care about one of them (I'm dating one, I think) but at least you always know exactly where you (and they) stand.

It's the thought that impresses me more than the shared taste

Well expressed, Michael. I agree.

not hinged on the person's truthfulness

How do you know the person's truthfullness? You're making an assumption that unless they are worthy of your respect they can't possibly mean it, or are too ignorant to know how to judge.

It's why I just stopped paying him compliments, Laurel.

Actually to be frank Dr C, it's more like: unless I respect them, I just don't care. I will be happy to be my approval and affirmation from people I know and love.

ahem to GET my approval

So you don't care if I tell you you look cute in a tartan skirt or not?

I will be happy to be my approval and affirmation from people I know and love

Obv I don't disagree with that. I just find your armour-plated response to everyone who doesn't pass your stringent criteria for being allowed to be nice to you a little bleak, that's all.

I'm repeating myself now, so will stop.

What if I know nothing about Scottish highland dancing but I enjoyed your performance and wanted to tell you. I am a complete stranger. You would consider that an affront to your sensibilities because I am not an approved source of opinions?

I guess that just seems rather ungracious and snobby. It's not how I imagine you at all.

I think that's a fairly enlightened stance, actually bernard -- to make your enjoyment of the compliment not hinged on the person's truthfulness.

When people compliment my glasses (which they often do), I will always say "aren't they great?" or "yeah, I like them too" rather than "thanks", because, of course, I didn't make the glasses or anything, but I recognise the shared taste

Trish - I'd wager that most of them are really saying 'YOU look great'.

Surely one only gets like 0.05% of their lifetime compliments from strangers? Why would a stranger compliment you?

-- n/a, Wednesday, October 3, 2007 6:50 PM (40 seconds ago) Bookmark Link

I guess once in awhile someone at a bus stop or something might say "Hey I like your scarf" but how often does that happen?

No stranger has ever said that they like your band/music?

Quick, La lechera let's all gang up on Laurel!! ;)

What Dr.C and La Lechera are saying is essentially the point I was trying to make and also the point I was trying to make before. Yes, there will always be a certain percentage of compliments which are self-serving or have some ulterior motive though I doubt, for most of us, they are the majority. It's not that I know anything about tartans or highland reels that should impress you, it's the fact that I was enthused enough to come out of my shell and possibly expose myseff to ridicule that should impress.

No stranger has ever said that they like your band/music?

I feel like that's a different context because by performing in public you're putting yourself in a position for people to comment on the performance.

Yeah, I think the only compliments from strangers I get are after shows, and usually all they say is, "Hey, good show" and I say, "Hey, thanks." I don't think about it for more than a second.

I don't want to gang up on anyone -- I'm just saying that it doesn't sound like how I know her to be at all.

This is basically the reason I am afraid to ever talk to anyone who makes music, performs anything etc. What if I say, "I really enjoyed your performance" and they blow me off with a blase "Yeah, thanks", implying "Wow, what a dipshit." It just smarts in a totally unnecessary way to be considered unworthy of saying something nice about someone. That's ridiculous!

And give me a break. She knows me.

I guess I'm not a sanctioned opinion-haver on this thread ;_;

strange women compliment other women's clothes all the time, but it's more of a "where did you get that?" thing. and then it is some embarrassing chat on the train like "uhh i think it is from banana republic outlet from four years ago."

i think about doing the same when i covet someone's clothes, but i 1) hate talking to strangers and 2) am afraid they are going to be defensive and not want me to steal their secret shopping spots.

True, Nick, re public performance -- unfortunately I really like STUDYING the dance form, and being in the group that I'm in means performing...but honestly some of our gigs really do push my patience with people-as-a-group to the limit. Strangers in groups stress me out, it takes a huge amount of energy for me to smile and be as chipper and gracious and uncritical as they seem to expect me to be, and it burns me out fast.

When people do actually go on for a bit and want to talk about the band or how great the show was, I'm usually flattered and will relish the momentary sensation of being semi-famous by engaging them in conversation, do the best I can to respond to their questions, etc.

you know what is worse than being complimented? having someone come up to you after a show/gig and trying to give you POINTERS. so obnoxious.

x-post to JayMC Me too.

But from now on I am going to have people do a quiz before they can approach me after a gig, just to check how much they know about garage rock and old punk and to see if they play guitar themselves. That'll sort out the wheat from the chaff and I'll get to talk to some people with critical faculties who deserve to have an opinion.

If people compliment me after a show, I try to make an effort to engage them in a conversation or learn their name at least. But the automatic reaction is to just say "Thanks" and walk away. Not sure if this is modesty (ie not wanting to extend the conversation about how great I am) or just social dysfunction or what. It can be kind of uncomfortable but sometimes it can be nice.

I don't want to be famous, I want to be really good at something for my own satisfaction, and performing is a test just like the ACTs were a test, and I like the test of it...but I don't do it for those people, and having their emotions imposed on me makes me feel obliged and uncomfortable. That's all, really.

"Hi, um, I don't want to bother you, but I just wanted to say..."
http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_14/1120051431x71e33.jpg

On the other hand lots of ILXors came to see me on Sun and I was so glad to have them!! And I hope they had fun and weren't too underwhelmed by my geekiest hobby. But I love them.

laurel i didn't realize you were so introverted!

xpost

I usually say 'Thanks, I hope you can come and see us again, we're playing on the 19th' or ask them if they want a CD or something. If they stick around and want to talk it can be a bit uncomfortable, you're right. Often you get onto talking about other bands or records, which is sort of neutral ground. Usually they're genuinely nice, I have to say.

In my own way, I guess, bell! I'm pretty gregarious when I'm happy and like the company, but otherwise I cannot apparently say ENOUGH TIMES that I really don't like the general populace very much. Ian of all people understands that perfectly. :)

how does I take compliments lately a list of three ways

1. Yeah? Fuck you, pay me.
2. I guess so but what does that get me, a fucking medal?
3. Liar.

-- El Tomboto, Wednesday, October 3, 2007 2:26 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

yes

only not 'lately'

i understand too! please i'm freakishly antisocial myself. i just always think of you as sociable and outgoing and as someone who would enjoy meeting and talking with strangers.

Oh my goodness I love compliments. They are like my Miracle-Gro. And thank you is a wonderful reply to anything, including insults, and to say instead of 'bless you' when someone sneezes.

why would i want to talk to a stranger? fuck you strangers.

When I get compliments, it's usually about my photos and because I am unable to just say thanks, I usually engage the compliment giver in a very boring conversation about why I take the photos and how if I didn't enjoy it, I couldn't keep doing it etc etc by which stage I'm sure they wish they'd never said anything.

Ahahaha Kate. That's one way, for sure!

Amanda: I'm sorry, doll, that I didn't respond to you on-thread -- I think your point is a little different than the ones I was trying to respond to, and I didn't want to lump you together. We will overcome, sister.

would a stranger compliment without wanting it to go somewhere i.e. lead to a conversation from which they may become an acquaintance to be seen again?

i want that jig of glee some day

Trish - I'd wager that most of them are really saying 'YOU look great'.

Ah, you're nice. Thanks.

i LOVE what you have all done with this thread.

This is seriously the worst thing ever. Because I'm young, when people see me in person, they sort of assume I'm like an intern at work, but I'm not. So whenever someone comes into the office (also at parties and stuff), my coworkers/bosses always over-compliment me (and start listing accomplishments and calling me stupid shit like "the future" or "the king") when they're introducing me to new people, and I have no idea what to do except look down at the ground and be like, "i'm not that good" or "thanks" (+compliment the person complimenting me, lol). I know it's silly, but because of my age, this is how every introduction works, and it causes me to leave an incredibly awkward impression because I have no fucking clue how to react but look down at the ground.

due on left should be yout template maybe:

http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Shows/Numbers/30rock/season1/season1_additions/thirty-rock-arnett36.jpg

I have no fucking clue how to react

Looking down at the ground will do in a pinch, because it is clearly a humble reaction and overall that can't hurt. But "humble" is kith and kin to "humiliated", so it is no wonder you would like to respond with more grace.

It is somewhere between difficult and impossible to form rules for acting gracefully. If you feel you must deflect a compliment, because it has been badly misdirected, it is important tacitly to accept the compliment on its own terms, so as not to humiliate the person who gave it by exposing their stupidity, then to suggest terms you think more appropriate -- humorously, if you can swing it.

Something like:

"I can't say if Person Who Introduced Me is pulling your leg or not. If I can be called 'the king' of anything these days, I'm the king of... Insert Witty or Half-Witty Remark."

or:

"I have to be careful when I let myself be introduced by Person Who Introduced Me. He's liable to say such nice things about me that now I'll have to double my output just to keep from disappointing you."

i prefer to call tape store "the answer"

thx, Aimless, that was very very helpful!