What I'd never realised about getting over someone

Right now I just want the pain to stop. I'd do anything for the pain to stop. The way that it hits you and grabs you when you least expect it, a memory, a realisation, a thought ... and the grief just hits you in a wave, and it's so consuming you can't do a bloody thing except cry.

How do you turn pain into a positive part of your character? I'm trying to turn it into something positive, trying to channel it into music or writing or art, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.

Sometimes, I'm perfectly fine, I'm happy and able to function, and then other times it just hits me, he *really* is gone, and there's nothing that I can do or say to change it. How can I make something positive out of that?

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,-so with his memory they brim
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!

- Edna St Vincent Millay

x-post

It's been a whole month now, and if anything, that pain has got *worse*, not better.

I used to keep a 'getting over him' score every day in my diary, 6/10, 4/10/, 9/10 etc. It was interesting because it didn't go up steadily, it was all over the place. But of course the only true measure of me being 'cured' was when I wasn't even thinking about the score any more.

If the "bad, awful burnout period at the end" really did help end the pain, then I should be two months further along in the grieving process than I am.

There is indeed no fixed time -- and a trap to avoid is to not envy or be jealous of those friends who have found their best situation, the relationship that they've got which you want.

Ha ha - I can beat anyone on that equation.

x-post

I disagree with the men recovering more quickly thing. Not the case in my experiance, or that of many of of my friends. Again, it depends on the circumstances.

x-post - sorry, that's just my experience right now. He claims that he was over me (and shagging someone else, natch) 10 days after we split.

I don't want to keep talking about this, but I seem powerless to talk about anything else. I made a deliberate decision yesterday to *stop* talking about it, because it was upsetting me too much.

And then this morning, I realised that I was OK for those weeks because I wanted him back, and I did actually believe that I could get him back. At this point, I have realised that even were he to suddenly change his mind, things have actually gone too far, and I don't even know if I really *want* him back. And the sense of being utterly alone and lonely in the world is somehow *worse* than the pain of longing for him and wanting him.

Something else that helps is finding another object for your affections. I imagine it's too soon for you, kate, but I've found the waves of pain that have been slowly getting weaker over the past few months, since my gf and I split last year, being replaced by unexpected waves of smiling to myself when I think about someone with whom things are... going really well. And now when I think about my ex I just feel happy about the way I changed while we were seeing each other. So it does get better eventually.

I don't think it hurts less for men, takes less time or is easier. I don't think it's possible to generalise like that. I and my male and female friends are equally likely to turn into inarticulate heaps of mush for unpredictable periods when this kind of thing happens. We've had exactly this conversation. (I can't supply a formula for the timeframe I'm afraid.) Incidentally kate, how do you stay so articulate through all this? < /arselicking>

xpost to Kate

Easier said than done, mate.

Although to be fair I don't feel like my heart has been torn out. I'm trying to take this positively, although I did have a bit of a cry last night. I believe we'll still be friends and will probably end up being BETTER friends without the pressure of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff so I'm not the best to talk here, probably. I'm not even sure if I do the kind of "my heart is falling through my chest" type stuff. I don't know if I can.

I've lost over a stone because of this stupid medication I'm on for the weird NOT-A-TUMOUR lumps. I was thinking of cutting my hair or even shaving my head, but I didn't want to uglify myself.

Beanz - I don't know what you mean by staying articulate. I don't feel articulate, I feel waves of rage and pain and grief that I am totally inadequate at putting into words. Also, it helps that this is writing. I'm better at putting emotions into words in writing - I've certainly done my share of screaming and crying and performing over the phone.

Perhaps my curse at the moment is that I am *too* articulate. I would love dearly to go mad, to lose my reason - I've done it before when going through breakups, often with the help of alcohol and drugs. I don't have that option or that crutch any more, I have to stay sober and rational and experience the pain through all of this.

I guess the only thing that makes me feel better is reading/hearing of other people's experiences, and knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that I will live on, that I may find someone else, but that the pain will eventually diminish or grow bearable.

somexpost

Oh, it can be. It can hurt, physically. It can feel like someone has punched you. Your heart actually aches. I always thought it was a stupid metaphor, until I felt it. Its real pain, true story.

Wish I had a solution. We ended up getting back together.

(Though I think somehow hearing about the people that got back together really makes it worse. Because I don't think that we will. Not unless *he* changes, an awful lot.)

I wish you all the best. It takes bravery, but I'm told it is achievable.

We all coped before we formed couples, didn't we? Although knowing that doesn't actually help at all. I found it very shocking to be confronted with JUST how dependant I was.

Welcome to these kind of ILE threads!

In all the obvious ways, not being together has made both of situations (physically at least) *better*.

And he's not going to have to face the pain of being alone, and/or being without me because he has found someone else. That just seems so, so, so unjust.

I try to make myself feel better by knowing that if he doesn't change, then all the things that broke apart his relationship with me will break apart his relationship with this new girl. But that doesn't help right now. It just seems so unfair that he's with someone else, and I can't be.

x-post - no, it's not positive *because* of the pain. But I do think that the pain reinforces the fact that this is something essential and important and not to be taken lightly.

The ONLY thing I've learned about relationships is that they don't solve problems.* They can give you strength to approach your problems if the relationship is particularly healthy - but I think you have to go into it from a good place to begin with for that. Too many people have relationships and hope their lives will improve (its exactly why I got into mine, and why it can be so co-dependant).

I hope that doesn't sound too patronising, I'm sure you realise most of it already - I'm basically trying to say that you're doing the sensible thing by waiting. Otherwise, the roller-coaster just starts all over again.

Hell, though, what do I know - I just climbed right back on it.

(*That, and that honesty really IS the best policy - but sometimes its possible to be both honest and kind..)

(xpost)

Well, it's only been a month. My bitterness will die down, I know this, as I realise the good things that this change will bring about. I hope. That's all I can hope.

Like Lauren said, right now I need to hold on to the anger because it does actually make me stronger, and make me not fall down into depression and "beating myself up" (as Joe put it). I refuse to beat myself up any more. Put blame where blame is necessary. That to the very end, I worked on it, I tried to compromise, I tried to do something about it (even if I did the wrong things at times), and it was his weakness, not mine, that killed the thing.

I found a certain taoist "things pass, things always change, hang onto nothing" attitude helped after my fiancee ended things with me. I dont have any breakup I'm still bitter over or feeling a loss about. I miss people, sure - and I still love some of them too.

But I learnt to be able to say "I love this person, but now our paths have diverged, so time to get on with mine". Its perfectly fine to keep the feelings but not let them ruin you by hanging on to that which is not there.

A tiny offhand comment on another thread just made me cry. A comment about the font of the Underground map just reminded me of Joe's dad, and reminded me of sitting in his dad's study with him, looking through his dad's old stuff. And that just brought tears to my eyes in a wave, even though I'd been happy and even-tempered and calm, and even happy, all morning.

When will these waves of grief stop?

All in all, despite my bitter rantings, I am happy to be alone. I feel natural being Alone, meaning being by myself. I just wish that I didn't have these overpowering emotional and sense memories of *him*.

Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 11:41:16 +0100 (BST)
From: "joe *****" Add to Address Book
Subject: Fleet River
To: mas...@****.co.uk

"The Fleet River in Swift's poem of "The City
Shower"...

"Sweepings from Butchers' Stalls, Dung, Guts and
Blood,

Drowned Puppies, stinking Sprats, all drench'd in Mud,

Dead Cats and Turnip-Tops come tumbling down the
Flood. ..."

A Master of Our Time, Ge0ffrey Gr1gs0n, Methuen 1951

Does he not still feel it? Is it not enough for him? Is he really able to write this off as just "force of habit" that the slightest thing that he reads reminds him of me?

Alba should count himself lucky. All he ever does is go on about the thousands of break-ups that he has had, not seeming to reflect that this means that he must, presumably, have had thousands of relationships.

I think putting more into a relationship can make it better, but only if you've chosen the right person to invest yourself in. Not investing much at all can be safer and perhaps thus "better" because you never lose much if it all goes south, but like with many other situation, higher risk *can* bring a higher yield, and you can be smart about it. I would suppose those that take breakups so hard are also those that had put it all out there, taking that chance, and to escalate the matter had come to actually believe that their risk was going to pay off. The disappointment when they lose is going to be much more devastating and harder to rebound from that some who didn't risk as much. All romantics are risk takers, but not all people are so good at it. Even if you are good, loving someone can still suck it because there are no guarantees, you know?

You can't always be smart about yourself.

it is my experience (and experienced by others in my play group) that the female half of the couple always ends up shedding five lbs. following a breakup... and the guys (myself included) are always like, WHAT THE FUCK, SHE'S HOT. So, y'know... I think it's a real biological function, more than anything imagined.

So smile about that, femmes

We lived together for a year and a half, then he dumped me. I'd say it took a full year to get over him. The heart-wrenching grief lasted only a few months but it was at least a year before I got him out of my mind and out of my hopes and dreams.

About 8 months ago he came back to me. I was very hesitant, didn't even really have feelings for him anymore, but went along cautiously. It took him awhile and lots of "I realize now you are the only woman in heart. I've never loved anyone like I love you" to convince me to be exclusive again.

While I was in the hospital recently, he broke up with me over the phone. After I got out I fought, cried, pleaded and we sort of clung on for a few more weeks. But last week I got fed up of being put last in his life and basically said if he wasn't going to at least treat me with the respect and attention he did his friends then we had nothing left to discuss. He put my things in some bags for me.

So yeah. . .I was heartbreaking-ly sad for a couple of days then I got over it. It's my own fucking fault for going back to the person who crushed me. It's my fault for loving him. I felt really good being single during the time we were apart. I feel great about it now and have no desire or plans to date. I've put the whole thing out of
my head by telling myself, "You don't want him."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ otm

I do that moping thang.

So, Stence, that also means you multitask which is quite womanly as well.

actually, i'm not certain how i ever had a gf, even though i've had a few.

*sighs* You know. Feelings of being cheated out of experiencing a full-on, actual relationship, combined with feelings of wanting the love that comes with such....

Shit.