Rob Bolton Birthday FAP: Sept 16th, London.

(I know the top end's okay, assuming by okay you mean full of dealers and fights and overpriced booze)

has the Barry once feared by all suffering the same fate as Dirty Den of Eastenders?

I've always found Brixton-fear to be silly. Sure, you can find trouble in parts of Brixton if you go lookin' for it, but the same can be said of pretty much anywhere in London.

I used to work in Brixton, and had a gf who lived there for like three years. I don't fear it (with the exception of the above) but I don't like it much either. I just don't equate "edgy" or even "faux-edgy" with "somewhere I'd want to live".

I will attend, since it's within stumbling distance of my Manor. It's an alright sort of place, I've been there before, no more or no less offensive than any other trendy young watering hole, etc. etc.

And Coldharbour Lane isn't *that* rough any more. I know that it used to be mugging territory, but it's been cleaned up a lot in the past few years - my ex boyfriend lives on the "Baaaaaaad" estate and it's not nearly as rough as it's cracked up to be.

You know, the one where that twat on the telly was wandering around, trying to get robbed, and people kept coming up to him and helpfully warning him "you want to put that mobile away, mate, or someone's going to take it off you" in a very friendly, helpful, neighbourly sort of way.

You all have my personal guarantee that you will see me so drunk that I may dance on the ceiling. Or at least try to. And beware my DJ set - I have been known to play things like ZZ Top and OMD back-to-back...

Rob, you've been to Club FT, you know that isn't exactly going to put anyone off.

hello, i think i might come down for this (although i'll be off for the last tube i'd imagine), as i have the friday off, hurrah.

However, this will not dissuade me from attending the birthday festivities.

I hope you can all make it out - I'm knackered from my trip to Stockholm right now but I'm pretty damn excited about Thursday.

Apparently their "pay one price, drink all night" door policy was lambasted by the police. Sigh.

Thanks to all who came out - I feel like I should apologise (especially to Colette) for the somewhat dodgy nature of the place. It usually isn't that bad! I mean, mens loos not working, stupid bouncers... grrrr.

I got your text Sarah - I hope you're feeling better today!

Anyway, it was kinda a weird night but I had fun. OMG did I really hump ken c rodeo-stylee? Jesus. I realise now that I really shouldn't be let out of the house.

ok, let me see if i can tell the whole story without forgetting any important bits...

it all started when liz started pole dancing.

i thought this was adorable, so took out my camera to snap a shot. a (very large-- at least half a head taller and easily twice as wide) bouncer said something like 'lemme see,' and i thought he wanted to take a picture of all of us or something, so i let him take the camera. then he walked away with it. i was chasing after him, saying 'give it back. um, excuse me? you have my camera...' and he just shouldered me out of the way.

we get to the bar and he started pushing all the buttons, so i said 'can you stop doing that? you're going to break it!' and he said 'you think you can come in here and take pictures of me? you can't do that. are you a fucking cop!?' i said 'do i look like a cop? i don't know you. why would i want a picture of you? can't i just delete it? here, let me delete it' and i grab for the camera and he shouldered me out of the way again, and i grabbed for it, and there was a tussle over it and he shoved me and i may have slapped him (the only part of him i could reach, after he'd started shoving me)

at this stage, i figured out that the problem was probably that he'd had a joint in his mouth when the flash went off, and he freaked out about it.

manager 1 comes up. he takes bouncer into the stairwell, comes back empty handed. i say i want my camera back, that i'm happy to delete the picture, to show the manager how to delete the picture, to have a friend delete the picture. no luck.

manager 2 comes up. same thing. no luck. bouncer comes back out and comes up to me at the bar and says 'i've called the cops! they'll settle this! you'll see! i'll sue you!' and i finally say 'look, why the hell would i want a picture of your ugly face, anyway? i was taking a picture of my friend, not you!'

anyway, the managers walk us downstairs. we stand outside and he goes into this huge rant of 'who are you? no, who ARE you? you think i'm the rasta man and you can just take my picture, but you're wrong. look me in the face and tell me who you are' and i did and said 'i'm colette. i'm at my friend's birthday party. i took a picture of my friend. i'd like my camera back. i'll delete the picture' and he started going on about how he was going to sue me again or whatever and i gave up.

(i'm usually very good at calming down drunk irrational people-- ask charlie no 4 about the arsenal fans that climbed through the window at a party and i had to talk them out. but this guy was totally delusional!)

the police get there. like 2 or 3 police vans, and cops in bulletproof vests and everything! my friend tave's friend matt pulls out his badge (i didn't even know he was a cop!) and steps aside with one of the brixton cops. i let bouncer give his side of the story, and the cops roll their eyes and ask for the camera, which they hand to me. i offer to show them all the photos from the night, and to delete the last one. i demonstrate this, and show the bouncer that the next photo is in michigan in the snow (obviously not the same night) and just before that was me all goffed up from last weekend (obviously not the same night). the cops apologize to me for the trouble, the bouncer is still ranting away. a cop says 'why was he so upset about the picture?' and i said 'i think it was because he was smoking a joint while working?' and he said 'ahhhh. i see'

i said i wanted to leave, and if the police would wait for me while i got my stuff, and made sure he didn't get me, i'd appreciate it. they agreed that it would be a good idea. tave and matt walk me to the bus stop, i got on a bus, and went home. matt told me he'd suggested that the cops run a check on the guy, and he was still being held for questioning when we left.

and i have a huge bruise/welt on my arm that appeared somewhere in all of this. boo.

god, what a weird night!

*makes note for when furnishing new flat*

Also, props to Colette for BRINGING THE PAIN to shitty bouncers.

Another shining example to his race, then. Another walking advert for the B*P.

Cor, imagine if he'd been present at the Big Brother fight. Him and Victor could've got stuck in an infinite loop!

'who are you?'
'who am i?'
'who are YOU?'
'who AM i?'
'WHO are you?'
'who am I?'
'who ARE you?'
'WHO am i?'
'who are you?'
'who am i?'

1. Even if you phone ahead to book it, phone ahead AGAIN to make sure the actual staff that night know you are having a party (they had no idea I had the upstairs booked when we got there).

2. If you plan on DJing, or having friends DJ - it is usually helpful to bring along headphones since clubs don't have them. (I am teh stupid)

3. If you want to play music which mostly resides on CD-R's, make sure that the CD decks can play the damn things. There were many of my discs which just wouldn't work, or take ages to load a track. It was a proper Numark CD Deck, but it was pretty old and well abused. Apparently I was very close to getting a smackdown from Jim thanks to the deck sticking on a dodgy Joy Division/Missy mix! (I really wanted the next track but the damn thing wouldn't advance)

4. Make sure the bar can provide a full range of drinks (including beer ON TAP DAMMIT). Although this was probably a blessing in disguise - if I was let loose on glass pints I would have been in a different world of ruin.

5. Actually, don't bother. Have people over to my house instead next time... (although I don't have a pole)

or bouncers...

still, not planning on going back there at any point!

except that would mean going back...ewww

at least nobody i know reads that paper, right?