How far should you pursue a friendship with someone who you find interesting but doesn't appear to be interested in you?

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If you find someone interesting, fascinating, have shared interests or whatever (in your own mind at least), how far should you pursue a friendship with him or her if he or she doesn't appear to find you as interesting? Is there a rule of thumb, or some sort of guideline you can apply?

I'm particularly thinking here of people with esoteric interests, unusual combinations of attributes, people you rarely encounter but are pleased to encounter.

Just curious.

― antonius, Saturday, 4 September 2004 03:49 (twenty years ago)

i wouldnt pursue at all if they werent interested. fuck it.

― ggf, Saturday, 4 September 2004 03:57 (twenty years ago)

try yahoo groups

― Vic (Vic), Saturday, 4 September 2004 03:58 (twenty years ago)

How far should you pursue an internet forum that isn't interested? I say fuck it. Try yahoo groups.

― antonius, Saturday, 4 September 2004 06:46 (twenty years ago)

I don't even know you.

― x j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Saturday, 4 September 2004 06:53 (twenty years ago)

Sorry, I was just making a lazy joke. I liked the sound of those phrases. Permutations on phrases are ... cool.

― antonius, Saturday, 4 September 2004 07:05 (twenty years ago)

i like this thread

― Vic (Vic), Saturday, 4 September 2004 07:07 (twenty years ago)

i don't know that one really can "become" friends with someone. it has to happen on its own, with the right permutation of circumstance and chemistry. (unless it's online, where talk is all you have to go on, and even then that's no guarantee that the person will want to be your friend.)

― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 4 September 2004 07:16 (twenty years ago)

Send this person a gift every day. If they reject you, turn on them.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Saturday, 4 September 2004 08:11 (twenty years ago)

are they going out of their way to avoid you? or do they just wander off when you are still mid-sentence?
Pursuing a friendship with someone who doesnt seem to reciprocate your interest is probably not worth it in the long run.
I agree that friendships do just tend to evolve naturally, so if it isnt happening, let it go.

― donna (donna), Saturday, 4 September 2004 09:02 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, letting it go is the best course of action, I think - which doesn't mean start avoiding them or anything, just don't go out of your way to meet 'em. It's a bummer, of course, but speaking from experience, there's nothing much you can do about it.

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Saturday, 4 September 2004 15:18 (twenty years ago)

Gah. Story of my life, here.

― Melissa W (Melissa W), Saturday, 4 September 2004 15:21 (twenty years ago)

I wasted a LOT of time when I was younger, pursuing friendships and relationships with people that just weren't that interested in me.

My rule of thumb is if things become immediately reciprocal, then you're making a new friend. In other words, if you go out of your way to talk to someone, they should treat you in kind the next time they see you. If they're not showing as much interest in you as you are in them, move on.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 4 September 2004 16:08 (twenty years ago)

One point worth thinking about with relationships, whether friendships or romantic/sexual: if the people you pursue are often not interested in you, I wonder if that means you should consider that you might be pursuing the wrong people? (I'm not suggesting this applies to Antonius or any other particular person.)(Well, I am remembering back to one former ILXer who did ignore friendly overtures from a few people in order to obsessively pursue some others who had no interest in him, and it all ended in tears, literally.) If your kind of person doesn't consider you their kind of person, are you getting things wrong, somewhere?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:07 (twenty years ago)

If your kind of person doesn't consider you their kind of person, are you getting things wrong, somewhere?

OTM. If someone had been able to explain this to me when I was younger, I would have enjoyed my college years on an exponentially greater level - there were, in hindsight, LOADS of opportunities to hang out / party / fool around. I just had my head up my ass a lot of the time.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:17 (twenty years ago)

how far can you control these things? I mean, sadly "he/she wants to be my friend" just isn't enough to build a friendship on. The ppl trying to befriend you = possibly as misguided as you when you're trying to befriend others who aren't interested in you?

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:20 (twenty years ago)

Is the situation similiar to making a post on a thread that no one reacts o?

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:25 (twenty years ago)

If you kill them and eat their brains then they will be a part of you forever. Something to think about anyway. Beats going to the trouble of making them a mix-tape they are never gonna listen to.

― scott seward (scott seward), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:27 (twenty years ago)

Is the situation similiar to making a post on a thread that no one reacts o?

I think once you start treating internet threads as potential friends all is lost, in so many ways.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:28 (twenty years ago)

Dammit, Alba, you ruined my joke.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:31 (twenty years ago)

Make it anyway, and people can put masking tape over mine.

― Alba (Alba), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:36 (twenty years ago)

Hmmm...I've only ever really made friends with people I've worked or taken classes with, and it's always that spark of "you're okay, I like you" that starts a friendship more than thinking that a person has esoteric interests/unusual attributes...you usually find these sorts of things out once the friendship is developing. I guess I would be more intuitive about the whole thing.

But, yeah if they're not open to making new friends or have an air of snootiness, then it's no big loss really.

― jel -- (jel), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:40 (twenty years ago)

[Okay, if you say so. *ahem*]

I said, Is the situation similiar to making a post on a thread that no one reacts to?

[I feel better now. thnx bye.]

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:44 (twenty years ago)

Some people often do not seem interested even when they are. It's some kind of defence mechanism. I think I am probably guilty of this. If they see you making an effort, it will allow them to make an effort too. Unless, of course, they really don't like you.

― Ally C (Ally C), Saturday, 4 September 2004 17:45 (twenty years ago)

Good answers, all very good, thanks. It's just people don't get me, you know, they're so dumb.

O Hamlet, what a falling-off was there!
From me, whose love was of that dignity
That it went hand in hand even with the vow
I made to her in marriage, and to decline
Upon a wretch whose natural gifts were poor
To those of mine!

― antonius, Sunday, 5 September 2004 02:42 (twenty years ago)

another answer: how do you know they are not interested? invite them to something.

― Orbit (Orbit), Sunday, 5 September 2004 02:44 (twenty years ago)

THE REAL QUESTION IS - JUST HOW MANY RELATIONSHIPS DO YOU KNOW THAT ARE 100% RECIPROCAL ?

isnt there usually a more "active" party, a giver and a taker - ideally theres some balance, but that doesn't happen as often as we'd like to think/...

that probably deserves it's own thread. anyway at this point i never continue anything if i get a hint that it's not going to be at least somewhat reciprocal, and likewise try to make it clear when i am being hounded that i am not that interested either, so they know they can continue things - but it's their choice to keep at it (giving their time?)

an exception is when you're romantically pursuing someone i guess, and the person doesn't respond the way you might want them to, or at all. at least there u can use the excuse that they "don't _know_ you yet," - but i guess it's probably best to drop this after about a few weeks or a month at most (then the s-word that rhymes with walker can become applicable)...

― Vic (Vic), Sunday, 5 September 2004 03:00 (twenty years ago)

I'm desperate to be loved, so my guideline, pursue it too far. But not far enough to be considered a stalker. It varies with the person

― Menelaus Darcy (Menelaus Darcy), Sunday, 5 September 2004 03:03 (twenty years ago)

the last paragraph in my post applies to pursuit of total strangers i think. like, ah, friendster (insert joke here)

― Vic (Vic), Sunday, 5 September 2004 03:04 (twenty years ago)

Hrmmmm.

― Super-Masonic Black Hole (kate), Monday, 6 September 2004 07:41 (twenty years ago)

when people appear disinterested i tend to become aloof, and wait until they beg for my attention again. if they don't then it's their loss. i don't make many close friends this way really but i guess i can be more certain at least that the ones who are do actually care.

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 6 September 2004 08:27 (twenty years ago)

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