Ralf Hutter's blind date: An ILX Collaborative Tragicomedy

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(Scene: KlingKlang studios. Lights: dimmed. Ralf is at console microphone. Shot of tape rolling. Folio: electronic rhythm and simple German folk melody)

Ralf:

I’m in my floatation tank
I float around and have a wank
It is very dark in here
I bump the walls and feel the fear

(phone rings)

Ralf:
Schiesse!
(Picks up phone)
Hier Hutter?

Ulrike:
Hallo Ralf? Here it is Ulrike. How are you?

Ralf:
Well, as you know, I am rather lonely. That is why you have set me up just yesterday on a blind date. And I am going to go out with this woman tonight, ja?

Ulrike:
That is correct, Ralfie. We worry about you. In your studio with Florian, day in, day out, for 25 years, working on your next album, pausing only to tour. It is not normal.

Ralf:
I feel I am losing touch with ordinary people. That I understand machines better.

Ulrike:
Exactly. And so this blind date that we have organised. So, you are to see a movie together, you and Ute?

Ralf. Ja, bestimmt. I was thinking perhaps ‘Trains, Plane and Automobiles’.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:12 (twenty years ago)

inspired!

roffle!

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:15 (twenty years ago)

(Scene: Ralf's bedroom. Everything is coloured white, black, red and steel. Ralf stands infront of an enormous screen which projects his own image back to him, much like a mirror but only more hi-tech).

Ralf: Ach nein! I am forgetting how to tie even the simplest of half-windsors! It has been a long time since I wore anything other than this efficient all black body stocking.

*there is a knock on the door*

(enter Florian)

Ralf: Ah Florian, my friend and accomplice! Will you be helping me in the tying of this tie? I am afraid that I am rather misfortuned in my memory of such things.

Florian: You are wearing a tie Ralf? But such garments are not efficient! This is not the way of Kraftwerk!

Ralf: My dear friend, I must explain. I am to be going out on a date tomorrow and I want to look my best. Alas, I am afraid she may be offended by my staid appearance. Other than the monthly upgrades on our robot suits, I have not been buying clothes since 1978.

Florian: You.. You are seeing a woman?

Ralf: Ja, naturlich.

Florian: But women are not detrimental to the way man works. Why not visit the room of amour for a short while - you will find the experience not only pleasurable but far less aggravating than the act of courting. Then we can start work on some more versions of Autobahn. I also have a great melody for that song about CD-Rs we wrote together. Are you remembering, Ralf?

Ralf: I have made up my mind Florian, now please help me tie this tie.

Florian: *sigh* Very well, but really Ralf please be vigilant.

(Florian stands behind Ralf to tie the tie)

Florian: Now I am sure it went something like this...

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:33 (twenty years ago)

http://www.scoutdb.org/h2tat/wind_4.gif

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:34 (twenty years ago)

Florian : (in a huff) Nein, es is nicht moeglich, Ralf.

Ralf: Do not worry, Florian, I will learn how to fasten this tie after much practice. There is no need to be frustrated? Remember 1984-1989, I spent all that time adapting the casing for the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer so that it could be transported by bicycle. It took much time, but it did eventually work out.

Floriann : (frustrated) No Ralf, I am not speaking about the tie. It is about you. There is simply no time for you to waste carousing and frolicking with young women. Kraftwerk deserves nothing left than our full undivided attention. You must make a choice, my friend.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:45 (twenty years ago)

(er, "nothing *less* than our full, undivided attention"

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:47 (twenty years ago)

Ralf: But Florian, you are surely aware that Kraftwerk has my undivided attention. For do I not arrive at Kling Klang at 9am every morning, not including weekends and public holidays, and do I not stay until 5pm, with one hour for lunch at 1pm precisely?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:49 (twenty years ago)

Florian : (sighs) After thirty years, you still do not understand, do you Ralf? Kraftwerk is not our occupation, it is our life! One cannot organize one's life by a punchclock. Of course, meals must be eaten at 8:00, 12:00, and 18:00, with coffee breaks at 10:30 and 14:30, since that is the only way. Otherwise, the life of electronic svengalis such as ourselves leaves no time for fun or enjoyment, least of all the carnal variety.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:52 (twenty years ago)

Florian: Ja, but I have noticed something queer about your recent gaze my dear Ralf. You no longer have the spark in you. I see from your eyes you need to feel more than the warm hum of a Moog radiator fan on your bosom. Komme, let me show you how to tie this tie.

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:53 (twenty years ago)

xpost

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:54 (twenty years ago)

(that was bound to happen)

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:54 (twenty years ago)

Ralf : Florian, I am concerned. It is your speech and your gaze which seems to be of the queer persuasion. First you encourage me to be with a woman, then you change your mind and insist that I must only be with you and the custom built Minimoog39491039A. What is your choice?

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 00:56 (twenty years ago)

(screen dissolves)

New Scene: Ulrike and Ute are having coffee at an outdoor cafe in Dusseldorf.

Ulrike: So, Ute, how was the date?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:00 (twenty years ago)

Ute: He is a very strange man, Ulrike. First of all, I arrived at the restaurant and asked for Herr Hutter's table. As I entered the seating area, I recognized Herr Hutter from the photo you showed me, seated at a quaint table in the corner. But as I came closer, I realized that it was not Herr Hutter at all. Rather, it was a robot replica of him!!

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:05 (twenty years ago)

Ulrike: A robot which dis not really work?

Ute: That was the one! It was only capable of a few rudimentary gestures. Then Ralf appears from across the road carrying a bike, all sweaty from riding!

Ulrike: No, my girlfriend! Say it is not such as it is!

Ulrike: Yes, surely, it is just so! And he says, 'Soon I will have the robot working, and it will date for me. But there are still many technical difficulties to overcome'. That is his hello!

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:10 (twenty years ago)

(great thread ever, duh)

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:13 (twenty years ago)

(greatest, even)

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:13 (twenty years ago)

oops, 'dis' should be 'does', and the last comment is Ute's, not Ulrike's. I have never been so paranoid about losing my work to a x-post. (x-post ha!)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:14 (twenty years ago)

Ulrike : What about the rest of the date?

Ute : Well, first, Herr Hutter and the robot excused themselves. Herr Hutter explained that the robot was wearing his best suit, so he went off to the mens room to exchange clothes with it.

Ulrike : Was it a nice suit?

Ute : Ja, sehr fein. It was bright red in colour. When Herr Hutter finally emerged from the mens room after twenty-seven minutes, he was even wearing lipstick to match.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:17 (twenty years ago)

(waiter arrives)

Waiter: What is it to be, ladies?

Ulrike and Ute (together): Two cream teas, please. (They look at each other, and both laugh; scene dissolves)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:20 (twenty years ago)

Scene: Florian alone in the studio. He is remixing 'Tour De France'.

Florian: Ah, what boredom.

(buzzer sounds; Florian looks at high tech screen. It is Ralf. Ralf puts on sillyface and waves. Florian sighs and presses a series of keys on his computer. There is a distant high tech door opening sound)

Florian (to himself): It is already 0905 HRS. Even when he had his heart attack was he not so late as this.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:25 (twenty years ago)

[Ralf enters, wearing a brand new dark blue suit and continuously dragging a comb through his hair. He is softly humming the tune to Xtina Aguilera's "Dirty", while smiling jovially.]

Florian : OK, Ralf, you are late, so let's get going, since there is much work to do .... wait a minute, you are dressed up! Were we not scheduled to work tonight? Do you have another date with that Ute woman?

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:28 (twenty years ago)

Ralf : Yes, Florian, I do. Ute took the morning off from work so we decided to have a late breakfast together and go for a walk in the park.

Florian [stammering] : Breakfast? But it is not 8:00! It is too late for that now. What is happening to you?

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:30 (twenty years ago)

Ralf: Ah Florian! I cannot see enough of this woman. Nor can I stop thinking about her. Or her name! Ute, Ute!We met, we talked, we danced stylishly in one of Dusseldorf's top clubs. Ah Florian! We should have listened to one time Kraftwerk member Wolfgang Fluhr - women are indeed more fun than our machines!

(he slow dances around the studio as if in a trance, tracked only by a camera robot and a shifting spotlight which are obviously intelligently designed to perform this task)

(suddenly he is siezed with inspiration and rushes to the mic)

Ralf:

I'm in love with Faulein Ute
She's better than my home computer

(Florian slams his hand hard down on the console, cutting off the microphone)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:34 (twenty years ago)

Florian: Ralf, I am ashamed of you. First, you refer to our former acquaintance Wolfgang Flur as a "one-time member of Kraftwerk". We both know that he was merely our employee. Secondly, your passions for this creature of the fairer sex are interfering with your duties in Kraftwerk. Furthermore, I noticed that the memory card in your bicycle had been written to four times this week from a remote source. You are not riding your bicycle at your normal levels of 120 km/day -- you are merely overwriting the memory card in the electronic odometer to make it *appear* as though you are completing your mandated workouts! Did you think I would not notice such things?

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:42 (twenty years ago)

it is too late however. rALF has left and fLORIAN feels a vague wave of melancholy at his departing.

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:44 (twenty years ago)

(Scene: Florian, alone again in studio, addresses the camera in a herzfelt Germanic monologue, voll bedeinung, full of meaning, heimat and deep emotion)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:49 (twenty years ago)

Florian:

Ah Ralf! I feel you slipping away from me
Where is your deep feeling, heart brother of the Rhine?
I cannot express this tide of emotion
It pours from my soul
Am I to go on alone?
Is our journey at last to an end becommen?
Oh cry, my lonely soul!
Lament your abandonment!
Shed bitter tears, for now he is gone
And his robot is still unfinished;
Barely more than a cheap mannequin
A show room dummy, if you will
Ah! I cannot go on!

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:53 (twenty years ago)

Suddenly the studio lights come on fully. Or, no, Florian is monetarily confused - these lights are too bright. A round of applause breaks out from what sounds like a large audience, but Florians eyes are still struggling to adjust to the sudden brightness.

Before him stands a man who looks curiouslt like Holger Czukay. He is carrying a large red book.

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:58 (twenty years ago)

momentarily!

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 01:59 (twenty years ago)

(folio: 'Radioactivity' is playing, but spliced into the music of Can, so that it is distorted, dreamlike and strange: we are in a dream sequence)

Florian: Holger? Is that you? (mutters to himself) I am dreaming. It must have been too many long hours in the studio drinking extremely strong coffee.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 02:02 (twenty years ago)

"Ralf," whispers Holger, sharp studio lights refracting crazily from his moustache, "this is your life"

"No!" screams Florian. "No! There has been a mistake!"

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 02:07 (twenty years ago)

(Folio: The music becomes crazier, turning into a track that might have appeared on the ToneFloat record. Loose 'free jazz' drumming. A flute, crating a frantic hippy version of an old German folk tune, with cheap tape delay effect. Suddenly, we see the world spinning, faster and faster, and Florian disappears into the centre of the screen, as if in 1970's impression of a time vortex).

(screen whiteout)

(Screen recover. Birdsong. A neatly mown field, cut through in the distance by an autobahn. Somewhere, a Fraulein is singing old German folk songs. Florian has long hair, blue jeans, and a rucksack with patches sewn on to it, one of which clearly says 'Beach Boys'. Holger, looking exactly the same but with more hair, stands by his side. He opens the red book and begins to read).

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 02:14 (twenty years ago)

"You first met Ralf one midsummers night deep in the raptures of that first summer of love...

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 02:20 (twenty years ago)

(Screen goes wavy and suddenly we see Ralf in his studio. The studio is a mess, half eaten sandwiches etc, books on Stockhausen and music theory everywhere. There is a knock on the door).

Ralf (irritated): Komm!

Florian shyly enters the room.

Ralf: One minute! (he is trying to get an early model drum machine to work, without much success). Ach! If only I had a technician. Not an equally inspired partner as such, but rather someone who can attend to electronic minutiae! But it is not to be. Anyway, who are you and how may I help you?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 02:27 (twenty years ago)

(The screen begins to flicker and become full of interference. We see Ralf frown and reach forward as if to adjust the screen. The interfence disappears and he nods, satisfied)

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 02:44 (twenty years ago)

(Scene: Cut to present by way of dramatic contrast. Ralf and Florian are in the studio, Ralf at the microphone, Florian at the desk, unconsciously waving one hand as if conducting. Tape rolls, and music starts. It is an electronic rhythm over which a simple German folk melody is playing on a synthesizer. Ralf is looking sweaty and dishevelled. What is left of his hair is imperfectly parted. He is clearly flustered, and Florian is annoyed with him, as evidenced by the agrressive way his right hand punctuates the beat. Ralf begins to sing):

CD-R
Glittering CD-R
Downloading from Kazaa
Techno and O-per-a

(Florian abruptly stops tape).

Florian:

No, Ralfie! For the last time! It is in C-Major! Now, we go again, and please to get it right or we will be writing this album still in ten years!

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 03:11 (twenty years ago)

C-Major .....

Ralf:
Florian, when you hit stop on the Tape....it came to me where we have been going wrong.

We have been in the studio, we have been on the bikes ....but still we have been lacking something...

ESPRESSO!!!

Florian:(raises one eyebrow slowly)
Rafie old firend, I think you might be on to some thing

Our bodies need Espresso, like our machines need(pauses and speaks into his vocoder) eeee leeeec tricityyyyy

― espresso fetish (espresso fetish), Monday, 6 September 2004 03:20 (twenty years ago)

(*returns to thread after phone conversation*)
(OK, I'm lost now)

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 03:58 (twenty years ago)

cuts to:

Wolfgang Flur, alone in a wooden cabin, slumped on a couch. walls are covered with vintage Kraftwerk posters, photos, framed polaroids of Flur with various women

Flur: Loneliness... Betrayal... Mein Koffin...

Phone rings. Flur slowly gets off couch, knocking over several beer cans filled with urine on his way across the room. He picks up the phone.

Flur: Hello?

Hutter: Wolfgang! Hi! I have a question for you, my old friend. Uhm, ha ha, [giggling]

Flur: R...r-r-r-ralf?

― (Jon L), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:08 (twenty years ago)

(Cut to Outdoor cafe. We see Ralf and Florian sitting together laughing hysterically. In front of them are several empty coffee cups. Ralf is brandishing a mobile phone which he waves away from the clutching Florian)

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:22 (twenty years ago)

(scene dissolves; next we see Ralf and Florian in a café at a red checkued table with two extra, empty seats, toasting each other with cup after cup of espresso. Ominously, the camera pans to the table, which aready contains many empty cups. Camera pans to waitress who is heatedly debating with café owner).

_____________________________________________________________________
*omg bulbs, freaky x-post - ok we continue, ja?*
_____________________________________________________________________

Waitress: They are insensible with espresso! I refuse to serve them any more!

Café Owner: They are Kraftwerk! And you will serve them!

(Waitress stamps her foot and goes off in a huff with a tray loaded with espresso shots to Ralf and Florian’s table. Scene dissolves)

(Scene: Ute and Ulrike at Ute’s apartment. Lots of fluffy toys on shelves Mirroring the scene before, they are getting drunk, but on peppermint schnapps (an empty bottle is on the table).

Ute: Oh Ulrike, I fear I am falling for him! But he pays me no mind! He is back on the black sauce!

Ulrike: No! You mean he is drinking coffee again!

Ute: Cup after cup! Then cycling for 200 km a day! And I know that Florian is behind it all. He wants us to break up! And so he is pumping Ralfie full of coffee, knowing that this makes him mad like a machine to write music all working day long. He will have a second heart attack, so I fear!

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:32 (twenty years ago)

Ute: I will call him now on his mobile! (bitterly) I know even now he is somewhere in some outdoor cafe, probaably sitting under a tree at a red check table, drinking himslef insensible!

Ulrike: No!

Ute: I must! (dials)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:36 (twenty years ago)

cut back to Flur's cabin. We see him fumbling at a cupboard, too drunk to fit the key in the lock. Finally he throws it down in disgust and, swearing, reaches to heft an axe which is nestled behind the cushions of his lounge chair. Wiping his brow he furiously attacks the cupboard door and then, as it splinters and breaks open he pauses briefly to swig from a small flask.

he reaches into the shattered cupboard and withdraws a shotgun.

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:38 (twenty years ago)

*I think we're heading for some sort of mutliple storyline denouement here*

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:42 (twenty years ago)

the garden of forking ulrikes

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:43 (twenty years ago)

Ralf: (Phone ringing, to the sound of " I 'm the operator of my pocket tele phonie")

"Ralfie here!"

― espresso fetish (espresso fetish), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:45 (twenty years ago)

he looks somewhat puzzled and shakes the phone, then replacing it to his ear we see a horrified look come over his face. his hand goes to his mouth as if to refrain himself from vomiting.

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:49 (twenty years ago)

(cut back to Flur's cabin for dramatic monologue)

Flur : It is now time. My plan has worked perfectly. For thirty years, I have been the shaggy haired, teenage-girl lusting, hippie-dippie, peace-talking, grass-chewing, rollicking happy-go-lucky "whatever will be will be" worker drone. No longer! Yes, Yamo was a failure, even though it was the most perfect slice of electronic apple pie ever created or conceived. I cannot let those two continue to steal the fame that I so richly deserved for so long. It is enough. It is time to act. After today, there will be no more lawsuits for them to file, because when I am finished with them, THEY will be NO MORE!!!

(exits cabin door in a huff. Pauses, stops to pick the flowers growing in a shallow pot near the sill. Smells one, sticks it in his coat pocket, and leaves)

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:50 (twenty years ago)

what this script needs is a sentient, talking synthesizer.

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Monday, 6 September 2004 04:53 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 11 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Have you noticed how this started off as a slow moving, European romantic drama, then turuned into a hollywood action thriller as soon as the Americans all logged in?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 05:06 (twenty years ago)

Actually the other thing it reminds me of is Wolfgang Fluhr's bizarre 'Mother Kraftwerk' fantasy chapter in 'I Was a Robot'.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 05:07 (twenty years ago)

(cut to Flur, riding motor scooter up to cafe)

Flur (in menacing tone) : I see ... they have surely left for the studio. Then that is where I must head. Fortunately, this shotgun doubles as a handy ... I can use the handy to dial into the studio's security system and crack the entry code. Thus, I will enter the studio unnoticed, and then ... then ... ha ha, HA HA HA.

(pauses to ogle 15-year old girls in tank tops walking on the opposite sidewalk, then deftly re-boards the 748A bus, bound for Kling Klang studios)

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 05:10 (twenty years ago)

(sorry, that should be "boards", not "re-boards".

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 05:11 (twenty years ago)

(As we learn in a brief backtracking sequence, the mechanism by which visitors enter the studio is loosely based on Flur's own design for a drum computer triggered by hand movements through the air which break a beam of light: a design which Ralf and Florian patented in the USA long ago. Hence, we see another motive for his revenge; and also the means by which he can enter the studio, for he has the design of the security system, having, in effect, invented it himself).

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 05:18 (twenty years ago)

(Ute arrives at the entrance the the studio, and stares worriedly at the imposing black doors in front of studio. A thin beam of red laser light blocks her path, preventing her from actually reaching the door.)

Ute: Oh no, they have installed a burglary motion sensor. If I break the plane of the beam then I will surely be in grave danger, not to mention my Ralfiekins.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 05:26 (twenty years ago)

(Ute walks around the building looking for an entrance, but other than a small air vent the only entrance to the building is through the black front doors. Dejected she takes refuge in the black, galvanised steel cycle shelter as a shower starts. Unwittingly she brushes agains the carbon fibre frame of Florian's bicycle, setting off a motion alarm in the studio. Florian looks up at the monitor to see Ute nervously smoking a cigarette. Ralf is unaware of what's happening outside.)

Florian: I, um, have to step outside for some fresh air.

Ralf: Are you ok, Floriann? We've only be working on this drum sample for 7 hours.

Florian: I will be ok. I think my cycling shoes are too tight.

(Florian prepares to leave the studio, determined t put an end to Ute's interference. At the same time the bus carrying Wolfgang approaches the studio).

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Monday, 6 September 2004 08:23 (twenty years ago)

(Wolfgang's monologue to camera as bus approaches studio)

Wolfgang: I was always the sexy one. I encouraged them to go to clubs, to check out disco. It is my Italian blood, I think. We Italians love to eat, dance and party. We are very expressive. Whereas Ralf and Florian were always reserved and secretive. I never really knew them. Their music declined after I left. My new project is Yamo. There are many lyrics which tell a story. Lyrics are important to me.

(bus crashes into studio)

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 09:13 (twenty years ago)

(Wolfgang continues monologue)

Wolfgang: How unsurprised I was was to see the bus crash. Ralf and Florian will go to any lengths to prevent my side of the story being known. See! There is no-one with a camera to record this event - their lawyers have their way again! I think I shall write a song about this. It can be on the next Yamo album - a follow-up to the most successful 'Time Pie' album, or at least would have been a success were it not for the conspiring minds of Ralf and Florian. Why must they hate me so and hide my songs?

DR. IVER OFTHEBUS

DR. Iver
You are the driver
The bus has crashed
I walk on the beach
How I love buses!

(picks himself up from the wreckage and strides towards studio)

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Monday, 6 September 2004 09:53 (twenty years ago)

Ute: Wolfgang! Mein Gott! What has happened?!

Wolfgang: No time for the explanation now my Fraulein! Your beloved Ralf is in great danger!

Ute: What is it that you are saying to me?!

Wolfgang: Florian, our once loyal and trusted fellow is mad with rage! It is only a kleine amount of time till his morals go totally Kaput. Komme, I know a way into the secret lab!

Ute: Secret la--? I thought Kling Klang was a studio!

Wolfgang: The time for asking questions is later. We must leave now! Schnell!

(Meanwhile back in Kling Klang... Ralf is lying strapped down on top of a mixing desk, electrodes have been planted in his cranium which lead to a stack of synthesisers)

Florian: Mein dear Ralf, I am afraid it is too late for you *Germanic chuckle*. Despite your brilliance you never could see through my one eventual masterplan! Remember all those years ago when I befriended you. You were nothing but a filthy HIPPIE! And now THIS is how you repay me by running off with this Madchen? Going out to nightclubs! Drinking just champagne! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE SCHNEIDER! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT STRONG COFFEE IS THE ONE AND MOST EFFICIENT FORM OF BEVERAGE!?!

Ach, Ich tut mir leide, Ralf you must be forgiving me - as you can see I am not of sorts at the moment. But you - you my dear friend will be right as rain in only eine kleine moment!

Ralf: Wh-What is it that you are going to be doing to me?!

Florian: Mein freund! There is no need to worry! You will feel no pain - no pain at all. After all, how could I be so illogical as to bring my pal, my buddy to any harm? No! I am simply using the power of our machines to cure you of the cancer in your brain! And now behold --!

*Florian pulls a lever and the studio panels flip over to reveal circuitry and jars of bubbling pink and green fluids*

Ralf: Mein Gott! Florian you are mad!

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 12:26 (twenty years ago)

Florian dabbles with a few wires and presses buttons

Florian: Neon lights, shimmering neon lights, mueheheheheh! Very soon Schneider, very soon! You will be a part of Kraftwerk's greatest creation. Ach, I must check der gamma levels! Radioactivity *gibber* mueheheheh! Discovered by Madame Curie.

Ralf: Florian! Stop! You are mad! Please come to your senses!

Florian: It is too late Ralf! The transformation has already started to begin! You are about to become THE MAN MACHINE!

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 12:38 (twenty years ago)

*Florian pulls a lever and the studio panels flip over to reveal circuitry and jars of bubbling pink and green fluids*

Ralf: Mein Gott! Florian you are mad!

Ralf: You know we abandoned the glories of analogue after 'Computer World'! If I am to be cured by machine, let it be a digital one, I beg of you!

(Ralf is sufficiently incensed by this, that he can break one of the the straps. He flails at Florian.)

Ralf: Unless... mein gott!

(Ralf's hand has dislodged Florian's mask. He now clearly sees Florian has been a robot all along)

Florian: So, you have discovered my secret. Herr Schneider died some years ago, when he rode his bike off an Alp. It was child's play for me to replace him - did you never wonder that I was always here before you in the mornings? Or after you in the evenings? I was able to create another of me, but to make it sufficiently primitive you would never guess. Did you never wonder why, after 25 years, our robots were still a bit crap? I could not risk exposing myself! But I need you Ralf, I need you to hold down my special key. I need you to play a little melody. And I will, have it, do you understand? Nothing can stop me now!

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Monday, 6 September 2004 12:49 (twenty years ago)

oops, I've been referring to Ralf as Schneider, not Florian. Mein.. I mean, my bad.

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 12:52 (twenty years ago)

(Behind Florian, the door suddenly shatters into splinters with the impact of an axe.)

Flur: Heeeeeeeere's Wolfie!

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Monday, 6 September 2004 13:45 (twenty years ago)

Ute (comes running in): RALFIE!

Wolfgang: Clear the way Schneider

Florian: YOU! It can't be! I replaced your bus driver with a mannequin! You should be dead!

Wolfgang: He tasted metal on metal, but not I Florian - you were always so transparent in your work. Now unleash Ralf before I get late-70s on your butt!

Florian: Lechen mein Arsch, Wolfgang! I do not cooperate with hippies!

Wolfgang: Very well, you leave me only one choice!

*A piercing light flashes from Wolfgang's chest and he becomes Yamo - destroyer of all evil. Yamo sends rainbow lightning bolts flying across the room, temporarily crippling Florian.*

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 14:00 (twenty years ago)

(Wolfgang removes shotgun/handy from his pocket, aims it at Florian's head, presses a few buttons)

Wolfgang : Good thing I brought my handy -- I have now dialed into Florian's circuitry and disabled his central processor. I am now his master -- I am his operator! (turns toward Ralf) And yet, I feel the power of goodness and true love rushing through this room. Unless you are hiding a gaggle of 18-year old nubile Hungarian girls in the closet, then it must be the brainwaves of love passing between you and this woman! I could never destroy that, not even if the new Yamo album, which features collaborations with Bjork, Peaches, and Miss Kittin (if they ever return my phone calls, that is) sold more than the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Monday, 6 September 2004 14:14 (twenty years ago)

Chapter 2: a new menace
Rick and Ferris wax their BMWs in the fore court of a medium sized Stuttgart Industrial complex. Ferris is pondering his Sister's apparent lack of deire to talk about the new man in her life.
Ferris. But why do you care? if it is Verboten it is Verboten
Rick: How can I not care, Ute is my little sister, ever since dad died, and mum entombed herself in Neoprene (tm) I have had to keep an eye on her.
The phone rings "Rick here"
"Tis I, Mc HP"
Rick "I know who you are, we are in the same band"
HP "The track attacker knows who your sister lies with"
Rick "Who?"
HP "Our greatest enemy, Ralf"
Rick (apauld) "But Scooter and Kraftwork are swarn enemys, it is tradition"
Ferris sticks two fingers into the wheel well and smeers two muddy lines under his eyes, "Scooter, mount up!"

― lukey (Lukey G), Monday, 6 September 2004 14:57 (twenty years ago)

ROLL CREDITS!!!!!!!!

Missing from the credits - Wolfgang Flur and Karl Bartos.

After the movie are a number of hilarious outtakes.

(i) A drunk Florian chats up one of the crap robots, unaware it is not Ralf

(ii) Wolfgang times his monologue too late, so that the bus crashes into the studio halfway through. To the hilarity of the crew, he continues his monologue after the crash, lying in on his side with a dustbin lid on his head;

(iii) Ulrike opens the door to Ute's apartment and forgets her lines - several times! This cracks them both up and they clown for the cameras;

(iv)During the Hilpert and Schmitz scene, when Ralf comes striding into the room, he trips on a banana skin! The German part of the film crew find this particularly hilarious.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 20:26 (twenty years ago)

Coming soon to ILX Film and Video: the much promised reality sitcom where Varg Vikernes and Ol' Dirty Bastard change places.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 20:33 (twenty years ago)

and don't miss: "Diamanda Galas in Anger management 2"

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 21:02 (twenty years ago)

dvd comes with audio commentary!

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 6 September 2004 21:02 (twenty years ago)

And the outtakes - including a moving final scene, where Ralf and Ute take off in a bridal limousine on the autobahn. The camera pans to the bridal party: Florian is there, drunk but happy: he is best man. He turns to his left and there is Ulrike - clearly, they are now lovers. Also there is Wolfgang, with two foxy women. Clearly all has been forgiven. The camera pans back even further, and we see that Stockhausen and Brian Wilson are regarding the proceedings from a long distance, with avuncular approval. They smile at each other and walk off.

The scene was cut because it prevents a sequel.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Monday, 6 September 2004 21:08 (twenty years ago)

which will star Hugh Grant and Bill Murray

― bulbs (bulbs), Monday, 6 September 2004 21:11 (twenty years ago)

With special and timely cameos from Asia Argento, JoJo and Gerard Depardieu.

― B.A.R.M.S. (Barima), Monday, 6 September 2004 22:28 (twenty years ago)

WRITERS COMMENTARY BEGINS:

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 07:40 (twenty years ago)

They never did go to see "Planes Trains & Automobiles" did they? I was rather looking forward to that bit.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 07:41 (twenty years ago)

Also the bit where Ralf rings up Wolfgang was never really followed through. Nor was the promising Holger Czukay dream sequence, not the bit where Hilperz and Schmidt lay it on the line for Ralph.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 09:24 (twenty years ago)

i liked the bit where it cut to about seven different dream sequences in rapid succesion, none of which actually gave any insight or conclusion to the rest of the story but seemed to work in a Kraftwerk kind of way.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 10:42 (twenty years ago)

They never did go to see "Planes Trains & Automobiles" did they? I was rather looking forward to that bit.
I had a brain lapse and sent them to a restaurant first, but they could have gone to the movies after dinner.

I lost two posts to xposting and was not able to adapt them to fit into the story. The first would have gone before the dream sequence. Florian was singing the words to "Computer Love" and got the idea of going on the internet to meet a woman. This would make Ralf jealous, and cause him to start hanging around the studio more to compete for Florian's attention. Hilarity with Florian cruising the 'net for pr0n and dating sites would have ensued.

The second would have gone after the bus crash into the studio ... I was imaging a big group showdown like the scene in "Rocky Horror Picture Show" when Dr. Scott arrives at the mansion.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 15:07 (twenty years ago)

Also, the part about the security system being based on Flur's motion-controlled drum computer got derailed when the bus crashed into the studio.

Dumb question : is it generally known that "handy" is the German word for "cell/mobile phone"? I used it several times, but maybe I shouldn't have assumed that people knew that word.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 15:23 (twenty years ago)

I didn't know that!

We should've parodied 'Run, Lola Run' at some point around then, when Ute tries to get to the studio to save Ralph.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 16:17 (twenty years ago)

I had an idea after Flur busted through the door with the axe that Ute would actually be revealed to be Florian in disguise...robot Florian having said that real Florian had died, but actually what had happened was that Florian--having just tasted success with Autobahn--went to get forehead reduction surgery. One snip led to the next, and yet another and another, and before he knew it he was a pretty lady, too ashamed to come back to the Kraftwerk fold.

Also, Ulrike would rip off a rubber mask, revealing Karl Bartos. The band would have a tearful reunion, and would release a new album nine months later.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 20:16 (twenty years ago)

Fortunately, everyone else at my house was ready to go out at that point, and I wasn't able to post that to the thread, saving humanity from a Kraftwek reunion.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 20:16 (twenty years ago)

Well I think Sean's killer twist was just what we needed. It does still rather leave Wolfgang at the door however.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 20:42 (twenty years ago)

B..b..but Colin you were lamenting that the European love drama turned into an action thriller. And by the end, it *was* a love story again.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 20:56 (twenty years ago)

That wasn't a lament though Barry. It was an amused observation. I quite liked the way it did that. Anyway, I'm happy with the version we've got. In fact, I'm taking the script to a notable Australian director next week.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 21:03 (twenty years ago)

Ah, OK. I liked the cloak and dagger parts too.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 21:06 (twenty years ago)

i was hoping for an appearance by pisscutter

― gaz (gaz), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 21:15 (twenty years ago)

i had a joke about Ute's behind lined up, and a stunning sequence in which Florian falls for her, but hey.

― bulbs (bulbs), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 21:19 (twenty years ago)

Uterus.

― i'm not supposed to be here (dog latin), Tuesday, 7 September 2004 23:08 (twenty years ago)

four weeks pass...

I never thought Kraftwerk could be this funny.

― luinfalathiel, Tuesday, 5 October 2004 02:19 (twenty years ago)

It was a great thread, and, flushed by its success, I was then inspired me to start this one about Judas Priest, which sadly bombed like The Brown Bunny after Buffalo 66:

Metal God: The Rob Halford Story (another ILX Collaborative Production)

I always hoped it might come back to life again. A forlorn hope, perhaps, cos in the end probably I was the only one amused. Check especially Milton's post, beautifully evoking Rob Halford's stage moves. Ithad me chuckling.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 02:42 (twenty years ago)

OK, I'll weigh in with an awful Kraftwerk joke, which I freestyled at work one day:

I'm the litigator
with my lawyer on retainer!
We are suing
and collecting!

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 15:50 (twenty years ago)

By entering a special plea
I raise my client's alimony

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:24 (twenty years ago)

Fix me up an affidavit
Can't you see I need to have it

― luinfalathiel, Saturday, 9 October 2004 01:00 (twenty years ago)

five years pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-haWSy43Ks

― moley, Monday, 23 November 2009 05:57 (fifteen years ago)

three years pass...

"While she was dancing, a female member of their party kicked me hard on my left foot, so I shouted at her to be calm and mannered."

Wolfgang Flür reviews Kraftwerk for the Quietus

― moley, Tuesday, 12 February 2013 04:41 (twelve years ago)

five years pass...

was

― F# A# (∞), Thursday, 24 May 2018 22:32 (seven years ago)

Pronounced 'Vas'

― Mark G, Friday, 25 May 2018 06:45 (seven years ago)

i wonder what gaz is up to these days.

― Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 25 May 2018 08:22 (seven years ago)

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