Quickest Ways To Mend Broken Heart Please

Rather than feel the full intensity of the crushing pain all in one go, I kept telling myself they'd be back or imagine that they must be really missing me by now and that THE CALL would come any day now.

More times than not, it was indeed over but it just gave me a few weeks breathing space to get used the idea that he wasn't going to come back and the pain was kinda spread out a bit - if that makes sense.

Really, there's no easy way to go through it.

Sorry.

If you truly care for the other person, you want them to be happy. If the decision they have taken which will make them happy is that they don't want to be with you any more, then you have to try and respect that no matter how much it hurts. These things are never easy though, and I'm so sorry that you are hurting.

More later...

Sure, it's good to keep yourself busy and distracted, but if you *don't* deal with it, then it will come up and bite you, and you will be so distracted that you won't actually be *able* to do your work. Allow yourself time to grieve, to cry, or whatever. You cannot fix a broken heart in no time, it just doesn't happen.

Also, I like the "life goes on" approach.... because life does go on.

no really.

battle royale really won't help, *fantastic* film
but...an emotional rollercoaster.

I even tried to change my job so that I didn't have the opportunity to think about it so much but that hasn't worked. I tried a new "relationship" but that was misguided desperation at its blindest. And I don't have enough money to shut myself away for six months/however long and grieve properly. Consequently I limp on, having to pretend to the Outside World that I'm OK while knowing deep down I'm not; and when I'm not at work all I do now is long for sleep so that I can dream dreams where Laura's still alive and we're still happy and pretend that that's the Real World as opposed to the horrible one to which I wake up every morning, upon which I roundly curse Whoever's Up There for sentencing me to another day of "life" in this waking hell instead of taking me away quickly, quietly and painlessly in my sleep. Hopefully the day will come soon when I won't wake up again. I can hardly wait.

I just want the whole thing to end.

You want so much for something to happen, for someone to come along and pull you out of the cemetery and back into the world, and then you're knocked straight back to where you were two years ago.

I'm just not fit for relationships, emotionally or psychologically.

So it's 30-40 more years (if I'm lucky, which I won't be) of solitude, increasingly fragile memories and dreams which are better to live through than life.

Wouldn't it be more bearable just to end it all now?

What family? What friends?

There comes the time when, like a wounded lion, one simply gets too tired to carry on and knows instinctively that it's time to crawl back into the bush, lie down and die. Yes it is selfish, but then isn't all pain by definition selfish?

You can and will love again as impossible and undesirable as that seems, but it can't be rushed. I think it was Pascal who said the secret to a happy life is the capacity for being happy alone. In my experience, when you get to that point is precisely when you find someone new.

There comes the time when, like a wounded lion, one simply gets too tired to carry on and knows instinctively that it's time to crawl back into the bush, lie down and die. Yes it is selfish, but then isn't all pain by definition selfish?
Look I don't pretend to know you or your situation, but I am curious as to what stops you ending it all. I mean, don't take me the wrong way, I'm not saying 'just do it then' but I really am interested in the very thing that keeps you from actually doing what you verbally fantasise about. (well on ilx at least.)

I'm scared of the pain.

Isn't that crazy? On the verge of doing away with oneself and one is scared of getting hurt. Can't overdose because that means two days of excruciating liver pain. Can't jump off the bridge because I will break my neck on entering the water. Can't even do a Virginia Woolf and walk into the water because I've got a phobia about getting pecked at by passing swans.

So, essentially, I haven't got the guts to do it and will probably end up a sociopathic pensioner who gets hacked to death in his sheltered accommodation by a crackhead for 25p. So much to look forward to!

Hell, yes. Of course you are. No one in his right mind embraces pain. The thing to realize is that the pain has already embraced you. You're past the point where the pain is optional. You can only feel it or go entirely numb.

Numb is a bad option, because it precludes the possibility of ever feeling anything, including happiness. With numb you are joining the living dead. Going through the pain is the only direction that holds out the slightest hope.

As for the fear of the pain, that's where it helps to have someone to share it with. Pain alone is more frightening than pain among those who care about you. Having others about doesn't lessen the pain, but it helps you to overcome the fear of it.

To go through the pain, therefore, I have no option but to commit suicide, is that what you're saying?

Get over it. Just put it away, ignore your preoccupations, realize you're more grown-up, more complete, more whole without X. Say Fuck It loudly to the wind. Throw self-scorn out the window. Occupy yourself with tasks at hand, allow yourself less time to brood, make yourself work extra crazy long hours, toss yourself into activities and actions unrelated to your pity. And it'll suck, probably, but after a while these Other Things will expand to fill the space you feel so acutely now. And drop me an email if you want, I'm always willing to chat abt. this.

LAURA WAS MY LIFE. FOR MORE THAN HALF MY LIFE. I CANNOT GET OVER IT. I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT LAURA. I AM A DISJOINTED FUCKING MESS. I WORKED FUCKING SUICIDAL HOURS FOR THREE MONTHS AFTER SHE DIED TO TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I HAVE NO "OTHER THINGS." NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO WASTE ANY TIME ON ME AND WHO COULD BLAME THEM. MY WHOLE FUCKING PERSONA SCREAMS "NO TRESPASSING KEEP OUT." BEREAVEMENT. IT'S LIKE THAT AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

*pause*

Sorry I needed to get that out of my system.

OK, let's go back to original topic, enough of my dreary depression. I'll go onto my old "angsty" thread and exorcise it there. Again, my apologies for ranting on.

And yet, through all of this, I've managed to continue performing my day job extremely efficiently (obviously too efficiently 'cos it leaves me with time to come here during the day, but then I tend to bob in and out of ILx maybe five minutes at a time in between meetings, clinics and what have you, rather than just being here all day). Work is work, but as Kate said above it doesn't shut everything else out, and in mnay cases can harmfully delay one's already over-delayted reactions to the question of grief.

Donnie, you are much smarter than that. You know what I was saying, as I said it very plainly. You are pretending to mistake my meaning because you are afraid of the pain. I understand that.

You are afraid because you only know that the pain is bigger than anything you've ever dealt with before and you aren't sure you can take it. You've never been down this path before and you don't know where it leads. You're afraid you'll die of your broken heart.

I won't distract the issue by telling you about my own grief. It is irrelevant to yours except for one K&U point. However deep your grief, it won't kill you. What will kill you is depression - which is the opposite of grief. depression is the unfeeling, dead, souless, flat, awful numbness that will eat you alive.

Grief, gut-wrenching as it is, is the feeling that will save your life.

You'll need to trust me on that one - and you will not want to, because if you take my meaning clearly and follow my advice, you will feel a lot of pain. I won't lie like the doctor who says "This might hurt a little" while jabbing you with a hypodermic as big as a knitting needle. You know it'll hurt bad. That's all there is to it. No sense pretending.

To go back to my original advice, you clearly hurt right down to the inmost core of your heart. So, howl. Sob uncontrollably. Let it rack and convulse your body until the tears course down your cheeks and snot runs out your nose in clear profusion. Cry like you haven't cried since you were a baby - screaming, unconsolable, bereft. It didn't kill you when you were a baby and it won't kill you now. You literally do not know your own strength. It will be enough.

I am very sorry you have to go through this. But there it is. It already has happened. You can either live out your grief, or die. You can't choose not to choose. Not living it is dying, as you are discovering already.

I have no option but to commit suicide, is that what you're saying?

On the contrary. Very much on the contrary. Good luck. I mean that quite sincerly.

If at any time you seriously think about killing yourself, you must seek help - even though you say there is no one there. Any help is better than none at such a time.

However, I can assure you that suicidal thoughts do not occur to someone who is in the very act of cathartic grieving - howling, screaming and churning out tears and snot. When such thoughts do happen, they happen at other times. Avoiding grieving cannot prevent such thoughts, whereas active grieving may.

Train yourself out of the endless self pity by teaching yourself to switch off the thought processes when they start. Change the subject with your own brain and substitute a wank fantasy.

Even if it doesn't work, at least you'll be calmer.

tricky stuff

so there i am going through the same kind of shit that MC has in regards to dealing with bereavement, when a couple of months ago i meet a woman.
a gorgeous, funny, sexy woman.
we hang out, go for meals, i make mixtapes, buy gifts, txt, chat about everything and nothing, etc and for two months generally click.
she makes me feel great, something i have missed.
she is currently married, but going through a divorce, and tells me that she only sleeps with people she is emotionally connected to.
so, i take this on board, and just go with the flow.
a week after i deal with my wifes ashes, she comes over friday for a meal.
2 hours into the evening, she tells me that she has been having a relationship with a married man for last 7 years.

fuck this grown up adult stuff.

I'm sorry, that sounds like a really painful and awful and confusing thing to have to deal with, especially when you're in a vulnerable state yourself.

The only thing I can say is, it sounds like she's been *trying* to be honest with you, but not in a way that communicated her situation adequately. Put it this way: she didn't lie. No one has a seven year affair without some kind of connection. I suspect what she was telling you wasn't so much "I can't sleep with you until I have an emotional connection to you" as "there is already a pre-existing emotional connection, to someone else." But it was not something she was able to be open about, for obvious reasons.

I think as painful as this is, it's going to have to be a "live and learn, and move on." People are weird, and complicated. Dating, in your 40s, is even more weird and complicated than it was when you were a teenager and it's like there's a whole new set of rules you have to learn. People are not always up front - sometimes because they are Bad People with Bad Intentions, but sometimes because things are more complicated than you're aware of.

I think it's unlikely that you're going to have anything but a friendship with this woman. If you can have a friendship with a woman that makes you feel good, without having to have a romantic entanglement, go for it. If you hoped for something more, and you view that friendship as something second best, then move on. There are other people out there. Some of whom may be actually emotionally and romantically available to you - unlike this woman. Go out and meet them. I recommend Soulmates.

Fuck that indeed.

How to mend a broken heart? I got nothing. So far my own methods have consisted primarily of 1) weed, 2) patience/passage of time, 3) occasional ranting. Doesn't work as well as I'd wish, but it suffices.

xpost

i aint going down the 'just good friends' option, been there, done that, still have the scars.

i was open re my feelings for her right from the start, and she responded positively (initiating txt chats, calling me up for long chats etc, so this did not feel like a one way street )

a couple of weeks ago i asked if she had been unfaithful to her husband to which she answered, yes 5 years ago.

so i would say she did lie, as i gave her the perfect opportunity to tell me the situation.

hence why i am a little bitten hard about it.

OK, that totally sucks.

Really, I'm not sure of the etiquette of at what point in a dating situation *is* really the right time to say "hey, BTW, I've been having an affair with a married man for 7 years." It's kind of an awkward thing to bring up! I guess I'm trying too hard to see the positive in people, that they can get trapped in fucked up situations for long terms. When, mostly, the whole "having an affair, while married, with a married man for a number of years" is in itself a red flag that this person does not exactly have truthfulness very high on their agenda.

Alls I can say is, I'm sorry that this was your first experience back on the dating field. It is fucked up, but it is also unusual. There *are* people out there who will be physically and emotionally available - to you. This woman isn't one of them, and I'm sorry that she crossed your path. Don't let this experience make you give up, though. Easier said than done, I know.

some wise words indeed, ta wwc

Alls I can say is, you're a fine human being, and you will make an awesome boyfriend for some happy lady, with the mixtapes and all. But not that one.

quick note : the mixtapes was not some sappy teen thing, they were the hook.

i was providing the sounds at a party, she insisted i sort one out for her as she wanted to hear some new interesting stuff.

so i did, and hence the whole thing kicked in ..