"It's the new Hoxton" - a thread of estate agent buzzwords you hate

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See also putting the word "Village" on the end of everything to make it sound posh.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:55 (twenty-one years ago)

'hand cooked walking distance'

― teh pow! (blueski), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Refering to anywhere you plan to live as a "property". It makes me want to spit. Call it a house! Call it a flat! For fuck's sake.

― Anna (Anna), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:57 (twenty-one years ago)

'in need of tlc' which always means needs to be knocked down!!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:57 (twenty-one years ago)

"Don't go back to Hoxtonnnnn...
Don't go back to Hoxxxtonnnnnnn...
Don't go back to Hooooooxxxxxtttoooonnnnnnn....
And waste another year..."

::insert jingle-jangle guitar riff::

― The 120 Days Of Streatham (kate), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:58 (twenty-one years ago)

"No! Onward! Chain!!!"

― The 120 Days Of Streatham (kate), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Within striking distance. I have no real idea what this means, but I suspect it translates to 'we'd like to say walking distance, but that'd just be taking the piss'.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

'spacious yet intimate' = you can hear the neighbours pissing from your corridoresque kitchen

― teh pow! (blueski), Monday, 20 September 2004 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

"Up and coming" = war zone with a big building site out the back. cf King's Cross, Elephant & Castle.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:00 (twenty-one years ago)

"Popular"

― Ricardo (RickyT), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:01 (twenty-one years ago)

'area of character' = every morning a mad old woman will hover around your gate, naked

― teh pow! (blueski), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:01 (twenty-one years ago)

every morning a mad old woman will hover around your gate, naked

And what are you going to do about me? Call the cops?

― The 120 Days Of Streatham (kate), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"Colouful" = every morning said mad old woman will come up to your door, ring the bell and call you a cunt.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:02 (twenty-one years ago)

'economically adept conversion' = this loft now sleeps 17 people

― teh pow! (blueski), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"2/3 bedrooms" = 2 bedrooms...oh, and a cupboard.

"secluded patio garden" = a tiny piece of concrete out the back, facing a wall

"1/4 mile from town centre" = a mile from the town centre

"family home" = there are painty handprints on the stairs and felt tip faces on the living room wall.

"utility room" = utter shithole with a dryer and kids bikes. A dog also lives and pisses there

"popular area" = you'll be living among plebs

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:12 (twenty-one years ago)

'property' is a misnomer in that you will be dead and gone long before you even come near to owning it

― the impossible shortest special path! (the impossible shortest specia), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:17 (twenty-one years ago)

'good value' - converted on the cheap, barely habitable.
'small patio' - bit in front of basement steps for people to deposit crisp packets and urine.
'convenient' - what does this mean??? convenient for what??? suspect it just means 'small and noisy' actually.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:34 (twenty-one years ago)

'comfortable' = fucking tiny!!

― PinXor (Pinkpanther), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:35 (twenty-one years ago)

'communal gardens' = dirty bit of grass in front of flats covered in broken furniture and rubbish.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:39 (twenty-one years ago)

pan-fried travel links

― teh pow! (blueski), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

'good transport links' = miles from anywhere.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:46 (twenty-one years ago)

"x minutes to tube" = x minutes to tube in a car.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Monday, 20 September 2004 12:56 (twenty-one years ago)

"Edgware borders" yeah RIGHT

― adam. (nordicskilla), Monday, 20 September 2004 14:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Anna, they say 'property' because they are 17-year-old spivs who need to prove they can do multisyllables. However I also suspect an even bigger cunt in a sleazier, more expensive take on the pinstripe suit is probably telling them to say it.

See also: referring to ex-Council places as 'ex-Local Authority'. In the past I have challenged this by saying "That sounds like you're ashamed. What's wrong with 'Council'?" Have I ever received an answer that didn't consist of STAMMERING?

There are a few turns of phrase that only turn up in property copy, but I'm on a deadline and can't afford to think of 'em.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 20 September 2004 14:46 (twenty-one years ago)

"architecturally designed"

Er... arent ALL houses designed by an architect? !?

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

plucked out of the sunday times real estate listings:

"great starter apt." = no one with a dollar to their name would ever think of living in this shithole

"airy" = no insulation; enjoy the winter!

"great bones" = ????

― A. Atom Gorgon (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 04:38 (twenty-one years ago)

but if this thread is about buzzwords, then i've gotta put a stop to "LoHo" immediately.

― A. Atom Gorgon (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 05:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Umm, ewww? That's just gross.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 05:20 (twenty-one years ago)

according to a recent times article, crown heights is "brooklyn's 'hidden jewel'." (oh, that whole "race riots" thing was 15 years ago... get over it.)

― A. Atom Gorgon (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 05:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh yeah, 'great for first time buyers' = IF you earn over £70K pa AND you don't mind living in a shithole.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 06:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"2 Bedroomed": The word you're looking for is BEDROOM.

Also, they are selling the ground floor flat in the house I'm in, and the advert refers to the solid concrete yard with no direct sunlight as a "patio", every time I've been near an open window and watched "prospective buyers" come outside, they say: "Oh. Well. That's not quite what I was expecting. Right. We've got other properties to look at."

― Chewshabadoo (Chewshabadoo), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Communal Garden: smaller than the third bedroom in your 2/3 bedroom property, hasn't seen a mower for 6 years and is full of bees. However, has a great view of your neighbours 'prize-winning perfect-for-BBQ's and parties' garden.

― Craig Gilchrist, Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd buy a house that had "bees" in the estate agent's description.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

But they'd probably be KILLER bees! Typical estate agent doublespeak.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:20 (twenty-one years ago)

'Noho', when fitzrovia is far far better anyway.

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:20 (twenty-one years ago)

"2/3 bedroomed property, infested with friendly bees, near good school"

― Craig Gilchrist, Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:24 (twenty-one years ago)

What would I do with 2/3 of a bedroom? Perhaps that's the beehive and I'm expected to sleep in the bath.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

'in need of tlc' which always means needs to be knocked down!!

hahaha my flat *is* going to be knocked down. in 11 months!

― HKM, Tuesday, 21 September 2004 09:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Especially as Fitzrovia has a long history of plenty of Hos in the area, boy and girl (including the champion spanker in the flat below Nick's old place on Cleveland Street), NoHo is a phonetic lie.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 09:42 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost
Hope you're only renting! at least it gives you 11months to find a new place...

― Craig Gilchrist, Tuesday, 21 September 2004 09:43 (twenty-one years ago)

This (desirable) thread is depressing to one who is imminently househunting. Arrgh.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 10:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh Liz, hang in there lady, you will find your perfect dwelling!!

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 21 September 2004 10:06 (twenty-one years ago)

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